Cold feet?!
I'm new to all of this. I'm 30 and have no kids. I've been with my fiance for 4 years and he has 3 girls (6, 11, 16). I've only been introduced to his two youngest kids recently. I know, 4 years later and I actually meet them. But I never pushed him into meeting them.. I let it happen when he felt comfortable. Then again he recently proposed to me back in April. (Proposal was before meeting the kids.) We also don't live together. He sees his kids maybe twice a month for a few hours because they live an hour and a half away. First time I met them me, him and his 2 youngest daughters and did a kid activity.. Another time (just last night) we went to a party. I have yet to meet the oldest. No biggie, she has her own life as a teenager. Both times I met his kids everything went great. I don't think there was anything to complain about. First time I met them I was told they thought I was nice and pretty. That was a relief!
On the way home in the car with the kids in the backseat, I had this really weird feeling and today I can't seem to shake it. I think it's "cold feet". I was sitting in the car and I thought, "I don't want to be a step mom.. I don't even think I want to be a mom anymore." It freaked me out and I got scared. It's almost as though it felt too real if that makes sense. I remember listening to the girls sing in the backseat, looking at my fiance driving then I looked straight ahead and got scared. It feels almost unexplainable. I didn't tell my fiance about how I felt. I thought the feeling would pass but it's still here. I never thought I would feel this way. I have a niece who's 14 that I helped my sister raise since my niece was a baby. I'm great with kids.
Question list.. Here we go. Has anyone ever felt this way? Will this pass? Can anyone explain why I'm feeling this way, because I have no idea!? I keep thinking if I don't want to be a step mom how can I be with my fiance?
Freaking out here!
I think you hit the nail on
I think you hit the nail on the head when you said it felt too real. For 4 years, his kids were "fantasy", almost like a long distance relationship. The idea of them is ok, but reality hit and there they were. They're basically strangers. You need time to get to know them.
I can't say if the feeling will pass or not, but in my opinion, I would give it a little time before I made a decision. You should be able to talk to your fiance about this. If the feeling doesn't pass, you need to seriously reconsider marrying this man because his kids will be around for a long time. It's a totally different dynamic when the kids are around. All of a sudden your fiance is a dad and not just the man you were dating.
It's good that you're questioning this now, before you get married. I hope you can work it all out how you want it. You may end up loving his kids. Over time, it will probably become clear what you should do. Good luck and keep us updated...keep talking to us here if it helps you!!
Yes, I felt this way, but not
Yes, I felt this way, but not after meeting SD...I felt this way before my exbf asked me to marry him (soon after we had broken up d/t the stress of his mother, his exwife, and SD).
I would try and get some time by yourself and figure those feelings out. For me, there was a nagging doubt there and I tried for years to push it down, but those things don't go away if there are real reasons behind it.
Try not to jump to any conclusion either way...just honor that feeling and explore it. I think if you're honest with yourself the answer will come. Good luck to you...
I find it incredibly strange
I find it incredibly strange that it took him 4 yrs, personally, I think there's just something wrong there. I always ask people, what's the big hurry to get married?? I would wait a year, get to know his kids better, get to understand how that whole dynamic is going to work out for you as a stepmom, and the two of you as a couple before you make a big decision either way.
Hi. I took a long breather so
Hi. I took a long breather so that's why it took me a little longer to respond back to you guys. I needed it!
But thank you so much for the responses.
KirbyKat.. I found it odd too that it took 4 yrs to meet his kids. For those 4 yrs I wondered, "Is it me..? Is it them..? Maybe it's her..?" It really wasn't until he proposed that he decided to introduce me to them. Sometimes I think too far into things but a few weeks after the engagement I told my ex-boyfriend who I'm "sorta" friends with that lives states away that I was engaged. I barely talk to him anymore but I thought I would tell him. I told my fiance I called him to tell him. That's when he took it upon himself to text her to tell her he proposed to me. Neither ex really had great things to say.. they're ex's whatdya expect!
She told him, "Well, I hope it works out this time.." Sarcasm most likely. And he had a smart remark back. Anyway.. days later she text him and said, "Don't you think it's about time the kids meet her?" This was his first time introducing any girlfriend to his kids and maybe he just needed reassurance that his kids could handle it. Don't know how I feel about that when he knew for 4 yrs I was wanted to meet them.. I took it upon myself to remind him nicely, and during an argument I may have yelled it too like, "Jesus.. I haven't even met your kids yet!" Just being honest to you guys! haha. I sorta had that feeling I wasn't good enough to be introduced. But he had excuses as in they live an hour and half away and rarely brings them down to his place.. or he wanted to get closer to his oldest again before bringing me in the picture.
The first meeting went well but afterward he admitted it felt as though I shouldn't have been there. I was REALLY confused about that and hurt. I asked another single father about it and he said it was normal especially with me being the first woman he ever brought around his kids, and that he pretty much just has to get more comfortable by bringing me around them more. I had my doubts. He did ask me to go to his ex's house for Halloween and go trick or treating with his kids and him but I got a little selfish on my end and said no. I might not have kids but I'm close to my family and just not close enough yet with his kids and I wanna see my 2 yr old twin nieces and walk around with them. Was that wrong of me?! Now that I typed it out I'm not sure!! After I said no, a few minutes went by and I thought this would have been my first introduction to "the ex" and being at her house with her whole family (mom, sister etc). It's amazing how quickly I turn into a wimp!!! Wow!
Oh, I'm in no hurry to get married. There's no planning and I'm perfectly fine with that. We've had issues here and there in the past like with him talking to his ex way too much in texts about random crap and I don't think it's necessary. It's great they get along here and there but, really, texting a few days out of the week just isn't my cup of tea unless something's going on with the kids. From reading posts I kinda realized this is common issue with some of you. But from what I've seen with my fiance it's calmed down. So before marriage I wanna make sure I'm not going to divorce his ass two years later! haha.
This is turning into a long post.. sorry! One more thing! haha.
The feeling as of right now has calmed down. Did it go away? No. I do need to get to know them better like you all said and I tried. Just like ripley said, when dad goes to the store take that time to talk and what not. I did that when they were over the other day. He was taking a shower and we were talking about dance and tv shows.. but he takes fast showers! They're good kids. I'm worried about the oldest though.. hmmm. Never met her yet. Well, I did notice he is so much different around his kids versus him being around my 14 yr old niece (who I helped raise) or 12 yr old nephew. But yeah, I think it is becoming a reality when it was a fantasy and it scared me and I just need to breathe through it.
Trust me.. I'll be back on the forum soon enough with some oddball question. You guys were so helpful. Thank you.