Jealousy

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I am trying to find a way to deal with my jealousy of my step daughter. She is with me 4 nights out of 7 one week and 5 nights out of 7 the next. I can't bear to see her hug or kiss her dad, sit on the sofa with her legs on his etc. When it happens I feel like it should be me and only me doing that but when the moment has passed and my sanity returns I realise that of course she can hug him etc, she is 7, he is her dad. I don't mind my daughter hugging and kissing him, in fact I love her to. I know this is going to keep cropping up and I am getting to the stage where I am dredding the times we all spend together. I don't want to feel like that I want to feel happy when we are all together. All I want is for us to be a happy family, together.

I don't want this to ruin my relationship with her dad. I have had to talk to him about whats going on because it was becoming obvious I couldn't bear to be around them both.

He initially was very upset but since the initial upset has been wonderful and supportive and although he cannot comprehend why I would feel this way he has said he is prepared to try and help me get over it. He loves me. BUT last night he said he wanted to talk to someone about his side of things. He hasn't got anyone to talk to so I said he could talk to me about this and I would try and detach myself from it. So he explained how sometimes has thoughts that I may be horrible to SD. I was shocked, I would never and have never been horrible. Even though she makes me feel bad sometimes, I know she is just a child, she doesn't mean to and I look after her as if she were my own, wash, feed, clothe her. Look after her in the holidays.

How can I mend this?

Thank you for replying. It

Thank you for replying. It helps a great deal to know that someone else knows what I am talking about. He cannot understand my feelings at all. I hope I find some coping strategies soon. :?

Honestly, I believe part of

Honestly, I believe part of that is because we see these kids as an extension of their mothers. Just my 2cents. Fair? Maybe not. However, I do believe that sometimes these girls are MORE affectionate with their dads than OUR bio kids who spend all of their time with their dad because they want to be "#1" and sometimes they are fed by their BMs that they "should be first", ie. since BM no longer is...hmmm I know, weird, but my 2 cents. It did make my stomach turn too. My niece was NEVER that affectionate with her dad, and we also were not raised that way...to me dad was dad, not someone to hug and kiss so much, etc...especially as I grew older.

Yes you may be right with the

Yes you may be right with the "extension of their mothers" idea. I can see where you are coming from there, I think she must look like her mum because she doesn't look like her dad, but I must remember that she is her flesh and blood and always will be but there is nothing I can do to change that.

And I definately agree that she is more cuddly with him because she goes away to be with her mum and probably comes back feeling a little out of place, maybe? I can't wait til she is old enough not to need all the hugs because I can only see this feeling getting worse as she gets older and more like a young woman.

Yes you may be right with the

I have a SD11 who is very

I have a SD11 who is very dominant and possessive of her father often asking him point blank if she is first and which he always replies yes and it is quite obvious that she is. I guess her need for constant reassurance that her daddy loves her and she comes first may stem from the fact that her mother didn't want her to live with her but for that matter SD didn't want to live with her mother so I'm not sure if that is it or not. In my opinion and only my opinion SD acts very inappropriately at times with her father...kissing him on the lips while saying "I love you Daddy" at least ten times and fully expecting a response back everytime said or she gets very angry with him....holding his hand every where they go and following him around even to the bathroom...laying all over him and putting his arm around her. I may be a jealous bitch but it really bothers me.

I have often wondered that if (God forbid) something happened to me like getting hurt or ill if I would have the support and help needed to get through it because it is of DH's opinion that his little princess ALWAYS comes first no matter what. I think that priorities should come on an as need basis when it comes to the one's we love so it is hard for me to understand DH's reasoning.

I feel at times that this little kid would like nothing more than to have me gone. She has absolutely no use for me except a ride or money when dadddddddddy isn't available. She completely shuts me out of her life to the point that she won't even eat what I cook for meals or even homemade cookies. She could care less about seeing her mother unless there is something going on like a party or BM is going somewhere and SD wants to go. DH is a lot to blame but SD11's personality plays a big part too. She is really a little brat with no sense of humor and you really can't carry on a conversation with her. She doesn't have any problems at school and makes good grades but when you see her at home, she is like a little animal and one would swear she wasn't all right upstairs. Weird and troubling to say the least.

I don't really have any advice but to tell you that don't beat yourself down for feeling jealous. It is normal...lots of us on here have to deal with this and it helps to hear from people who know where you are coming from.

It's really assuring to see

It's really assuring to see that other people have this feeling towards their stepkids, because, like you all, I always feel so angry at myself when I notice those feelings come about. And it's mostly how my fiance's oldest almost copies or agrees with everything he says and does. It's just kind of an irritating feeling I get.

but I always try and remind myself that a) There is something ultimately special and unbreakable between a father and a daughter, and who the hell am I to stand in the way of that. And b) at least she's more willing to be like her father than her mother!!!! Also, she was his first daughter and therefor his first real true love in a sense. My dad raised me, so I know first hand how important it is for a young girl to have a special bond with her father.

Whenever I feel those bouts of jealously I instantly tell them to GO AWAY and think of the positive outcomes of the situation. In my situation, I also have to remind myself that their mother kept them away from their father off and on through out their lives, so their special time with their father such as camping and hiking trips without me is SO SO IMPORTANT!! And part of my job as a step parent is to be supportive of their relationship with their father, especially when their mother has been everything but! So when they come back from their hiking adventures, I ask to see pictures, I listen to their stories, I smile and show my support Its the best I can do.

(No subject)

:sick:

Ugh yeah that's not cool.

I've been there. The

I've been there. The jealously is NORMAL. It's nothing to feel guilty about. Trust me, the little girls are jealous of us too. It goes both ways. I also know that birth mothers can (and do) feel jealous of their own daughters in this regard and vice-versa. It's the female dynamic at play.

The most important thing is for your husband to love and respect you and to always make it clear to you (and your stepdaughter) that YOUR relationship with him comes first. Otherwise, I think these situations can be impossible to navigate.

Check out Step Mom Magazine online. They have a great series on jealousy as it relates to BM, SM & Skids.

I am glad you posted this as

I am glad you posted this as I just put a rant on how I can't stand my ss. I am GLAD I AM NOT ALONE!! You are NOT in the wrong and you have EVERY right to feel that way!

I know I am jealous over my SS8 but its mostly because my husband acts like he's the best thing ever when he is a 8 year old boy who has reading and writing issues annoying and acts STUPID half the time and even (in 3rd grade he's like a kindergardener with his writing and reading) and even so he's the "golden child" and my kids are MONSTERS per my husband.

I sadly look forward to the weekend we do not have our SS and I LOVE when its my two boys and my husband things are great without him around, I wish he could request to live with his psycho mom, he has OCD just like her and is RUDE , pulling food off of his fathers plate w/out asking, holding the fork like a monkey, farting at the dinner table etc...

even now as I sit here I'm BOILING inside over my SS dominating my husbands time, daddeee rub my forehead, daddeee scratch my back, daddee will you snuggle with me and watch a two hour movie! as I sit here waiting for his "attentions"

I love my husband but there is a small part of me that constantly worrys I will blow up over his sons annoying clingy ways and then shit will hit the fan!

I feel the same way

I feel the same way zebra...so scared that one day..it's going to be the wrong day and I am going to lose it over all this crap in my head that has been building up for all these years. I'm to a point now where I'm ready to tell him that I simple can't deal with it anymore...he either needs to try and start treating me like his wife and his daughter like a daughter or I'll make the choice for him and the husband thing he won't have to worry about. I'm so fed up with always being so low on his list of priorities and always being the one who has to understand...I'm tired of looking like a fool and being embarrassed by the way those two act in public and not being able to sit by my husband when we go places or hold his hand or go and do things as couple simple because his f***ing kid thinks that his whole life revolves around her and attention should always be on her regardless of his need to have a family and a wife...she thinks she fills all those roles.

I've let my husband disengage

I've let my husband disengage from mine, and I've disengaged from his. NOT what I truley want but if it saves my sanity than fine!

I have the same issue jojo w/my SS he is all over his dad and if we are snuggling together on the couch he's jumping on both of us to get in the middle

its like really??~

I feel the same way my SD3 is

I feel the same way my SD3 is like this with her dad. I can't kiss him, hug him, hold is hand etc.... with out her trying to come in the middle of it. Yelling at him, or in more extreme cases she has peed on our bathroom floor. It gets to me, he's the first guy I've ever dated who has had kids. And it's a big adjustment, but on top of all of that I can't kiss him whenever I want to without fear of my my SD is going to do. He gets angry when I don't kiss him, and I've tried to explain to him my issues with it, and he doesn't understand he says let her get mad, that's her problem. I don't see it that way though. I've talked to him about how I feel about her always climbing all over him and never letting me sit next to him, that has gotten better. He doesn't really understand my jealousy, but he is working to make things more comfortable for me in this situation.

I hear you Smommy, its the

I hear you Smommy, its the same w/my ss. stupid jealous kids. he's 8 too and its Daddeee. funny thing is the school is FINALLY testing him for Autism and Asburgers because he's so strange. I am hoping he has this problem I can deal with a "problem" but if not, that means he's a little as*. and I get to deal with that. The kid whines about EVERYTHING I make too. I think his mother is drilling in his head that "I'm not his mother" but I know its cause she is NEVER around him and feels threatened. But now he's all jealous all the time and constantly demanding my husbands attention and my husbands son is the "golden child" so I get to just boil over this ! LOL

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