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CrisJ's picture

Submitted by CrisJ on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 4:56pm

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Hi all.
I am new to this site and wanted to get some advice.
About two years ago I became involved with a woman that has four kids to a previous relationship.
We fell head over heals in love, and because her youngest was a newborn and she had just left her husband, I moved in with her very quickly to help her. Being a single unattached 30 year old guy with no child experience, I felt very overwhelmed very quickly.
We tried so hard for so long, and although we had good times, they were far outweighed by the bad. Because her ex husband was an IT manager on a hefty income and I was a student, instantly her family and friends judged me and disowned her for her choices.
We have since had a child of our own, and as strong as I feel for her, the stresses were too much and we are separated. The main issues I had is that she felt I never gave enough towards her other kids. She believed that the bf had no longer any responsibilities to his children since she left him, but I had it all because I was her new partner.. My point of view was that I didn't mind growing into that role, but that it needed to happen at my pace because I was the weakest link in the situation. I know now that moving in so soon and taking it all on was a big mistake.. I should have taken the time to get to really know her first and build a solid foundation before the kids became involved.
What I want to ask is, am I justified in asking for that time to build our foundations properly now? To start at the beginning instead of the middle? We are separated, and she is very angry with me for not being better in the role I took on. I understand that. I see my little girl every weekend at the moment, and would really like to try again in the relationship.. She just wants it all or nothing, and won't allow me to ease into it like we should have first time round.. Because we spent two years together already, am I being soft for asking for that time to build a foundation that we never took originally?

purpledaisies's picture

Submitted by purpledaisies on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 5:04pm

First her way of thinking that the bio dad should have nothing to do with the kids and you to take over is WRONG! Those kids are NOT your responsibility at ALL. they have 2 parents and you are not one of them. That is part of the problem.
If she is trying to keep the bio dad out of their lives she is being a very wrong and messing up her kids.

Now to answer your question: First if you are separated then you have the right to get back with her on your terms and if she doesn't accept that then that is her choice just like it is your choice to choose to get back with her on your terms or her terms.

CrisJ's picture

Submitted by CrisJ on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 5:24pm

I'm almost in tears here. Thankyou so much. She has had me so convinced that I needed therapy so that I could be more of what she needed and less like what I am. I have felt like such a failure, because I couldn't make it work.. I have asked myself a million times if I could have done it better, but all that comes back is that if I could have done it better, then I would have.. I don't give less than my best to anything I do..
I understand it's not about who's right or wrong, but it is so refreshing to hear that people understand where I am coming from..

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Thu, 10/20/2011 - 5:50pm

Fathers/parents are not interchangeable. It's completely unrealistic for her to "slot" you into that role...wrong for everyone involved, especially the kids. I'm sad for you because I can tell your heart is in the right place.

You both need to be on the same page and agree upon the expectations before a successful relationship is possible. IMO she has unrealistic expectations and will have a hard time finding any man to fill those shoes. Please don't feel like a failure...it was not your job to take on to begin with.

My FDH would love me to "be the mommy" to his 3 kids but that's not me. I'm not it. I've been very clear with him about the role I'm comfortable with and capable of fulfilling withIn the family and if he wants something different he needs to find someone different. Fortunately, we got on the same page and are okay with it. You have to be true to yourself above all else.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 12:24am

I hope she married you because of you and not because she was looking for someone to take care/help her with her kids...and honestly, that's what I think. Why? Because I don't know many decent 7 HARDWORKING women who are not looking for a free or easy ride who would shack up so quickly after being divorced...much less one with four kids... :?

Take care of your child and if she wants to be with you, she won't demand that you do the job SHE decided to do when she divorced.

CrisJ's picture

Submitted by CrisJ on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 1:28am

Everyone, thank-you so much. It is such a breath of fresh air to know that the way I saw things is shared by others.. Because everyone around us, including relationship councellors was telling me i was in the wrong, I was starting to think that I was going insane with my thoughts.. Thank-you.

Jsmom's picture

Submitted by Jsmom on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 8:08am

You are not insane....She has some serious issues. You can not be expected to raise someone elses children. She has five kids. She has to be responsible for them. I hope you have custody of your bio child...

sotiredoftheDRAMA's picture

Submitted by sotiredoftheDRAMA on Fri, 10/21/2011 - 8:34am

Whoa! So, this woman already had four children with her first husband, and one was a newborn at the time? THEN - she agreed to have another child with you - and you're not even married (not to say children out of wedlock is wrong.)? Holy crap! That's a huge amount to swallow. Let me tell you that my DH was married to a woman like that. She continually belittled him for not being what she expected him to be. He was in the service at that time they got together. She would call him crazy, and yell and scream at him constantly. She decided to get pregnant because their relationship was heading south, and that, according to her, is what she does. She did the same thing with her now third husband, and now third child. In other words, she has babies when things aren't working out because this is how she makes sure she is getting the money.......Don't allow this woman to do this to you. Unfortunately for you, you wanted the whole family thing, just on your terms. She is on a totally different schedule! Like everyone else has stated, her children have a father, just like your daughter has her father - and that is that.

Basically, this woman has opened a whole new can of worms for you because now you are a single father, and the poor woman you decide to spend your life with will have to deal with a BM - think about that for a moment, and then maybe instead of feeling defeated, you can be pissed about the whole situation and move on.