Extended Step family gifts
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Just wondering everyone's thoughts on extended family giving gifts to SK's? My parents/grandparents want to give b-day gifts to DH kids. One doesn't even come over the other only half the time.
I don't like the idea of it and just wonder if I'm alone.
The kids are very ungreatful and I don't want that disrespect going toward my extended family. And these kids hate me so why should they get gifts from my family?
I think that your family
I think that your family should make that call. They are adults and should decide on their own if they are disrespected and no longer wish to gift the skids. I would not influence them either way. It's ok for them to give this a try and then act accordingly. It could go well or it could reinforce what happens when the skids blow it.
My family gives gifts to my
My family gives gifts to my step children. My dad and Step mom and my BM as well. They give them xmas gifts and they typically send birthday cards and a small amount of cash for birthdays. I would never suggest to my parents that they have to/or should....but they want to so they do.
I dissuaded my family from
I dissuaded my family from gift giving to SD a couple years ago. She made it quite clear she did not want to go to my families get togethers at Christmas and Thanksgiving. Matter of fact she could barely be troubled to go to my sfathers funeral. Did not go to the calling because she was too busy.
Ss is now making the same issues.
Don't visit my family your choice. But no gifts will come either. That is ridiculous. IMO
How did you dissuade them?
How did you dissuade them? Did you call and say that you would like them not to send gifts? I would like to be able to at least say please don't for SS. He is never around.
How does your husband feel
How does your husband feel about this? Would you tell him that you did that?
He is both sad that I feel
He is both sad that I feel this way and understanding because of the response to me. I say they treat me like family then I open my family to them not the other way around. Yes I would tell him and he knows how I feel. I do not want my extended family to give them gifts for any occasion. They are rude to me and they have plenty of extended family to give them gifts that they are ungreatful for.
When my brothers and sister
When my brothers and sister called to find out what they wanted. I said look she wants nothing to do with me or my side of the family. We had been married for 10 years and up to that point she was bought for. Then when my sdad died and she didn't even say sorry for your loss, told her dad I will either come for the calling or the funeral I am not sure which but I have already made plans with friends......I was shocked.
She nailed that shut.
She is always invited was always looked upon as a grandchild/ niece but the fact that I had lost three key people in my life in 18months and she couldn't be bothered to come was huge to my family.
She is also 20. Ss had gifts and MY BROTHERS AND I have decided not to buy but to do something in memory of my sdad as our gifts to each others families.
As for my husband gs is and was completely embarrassed by their behavior. We are also firm believers in you made your choices deal with the consequences.
My Dad does give a gift to
My Dad does give a gift to SS, but not to SD. My mom gives a small gift at Christmas. That is it. They have more grandparents than my son has so I think that is enough. I don't discourage and I don't encourage it. There is nothing wrong with you telling your family that you don't think they should spend their money on your Steps. Nothing wrong with it.
My skids basically wanted
My skids basically wanted nothing to do with my family and even told me that they were nothing to them.
So I immediately called my family and let them know that I would prefer that they not do the gift thing. I have a very small family so it wasn't a big deal plus they knew how disrespectful the kids were/are.
If they see each other, my parents are cordial and polite and ask all the right questions but if SS saw them on the street, he'd have no idea who they are.
My parents only give gifts to
My parents only give gifts to members of NON-immediate family IF, and only IF, they are visiting for the holidays.
Since my H never brought the skids down for the holidays to my parents, ever in the 13 years we've known each other...my parents have never purchased them presents.
Doesn't matter to me. My son(21) buys them presents every year and they never get him anything...never have. They haven't got me a present since they were little (7 & 8 ) and only SS gets his dad anything for presents.
I think that if your skids
I think that if your skids are making it clear they don;pt like you and your family then why should they get gifts from them??? I would sit them down and explain the skids behavior and let them take it form there. It is not cool to reward kids bad behavior toward anyone with gifts!!! I'm not talking just skids but kids in general. If you wouldn't do to, for, or wouldn't for your kids then that what you need to go by. what you would do if they were your own kids!
Purpledaisies, I get what you
Purpledaisies, I get what you are saying. The difference I see is that until/unless the skids become disrespectful to the extended family, they should be given a chance at that relationship.Sometimes kids/skids are at their worst with us, and can do better with other family members, so why hold them to their lowest?
SD could be a real monster at home, please believe me!!!! We had an older couple as neighbours and SD really behaved with them. They thought she was just the sweetest, nicest girl in the world. More than once I thought about letting them know how foul and mean and out of control and skipping school and all- she could be. I even told SD about it and threatened her that I would tell them some of the stuff so they would not be fooled by her facade. I did not do it. One day SD, while we were getting along, told me that I might think she is being fake with them, but they brought out the good in her, and she wanted to live up to how good they thought she was. She said that it was a relief to be able to be sweet and kind with them and their relationship was just uncomplicated and good for her.
That is where I am coming from. Maybe with the grandparents the skids could just be kids and have a fair chance. Once they mistreat them, the extended family can go from there. I know that I would not be held to the worst that I can be.
See this is where we differ
See this is where we differ as my mom is the one I would go to for advice on what to do and therefore my family would already know their behavior just like if they were my own kids. I would have called my mom and ask her what to do.
That is what is wrong with our youth today is that we don't hold them accountable for their behavior and we reward it instead!
I am not saying I would tell my family not to give gifts but to let them know of the behavior and they can CHOOSE to give or not give.
That seems fair. For sure be
That seems fair. For sure be honest about the dynamics and let them choose.
I don't think that it is rewarding them if the grandparents try and have their own relationship and then they act accordingly, either rewarding or letting them feel the consequences.
It's an opportunity for a new lesson with it's own consequences, good or bad.
My family gave gifts to my
My family gave gifts to my stepkids.
My family gave gifts to my
My family gave gifts to my stepkids, until the gift giving turned into a grab-and-run situation. Frankly, it was embarrassing. They would open their gifts, throw the cards unopened on the floor, and run everything out to the car so they could make a quick getaway.
We told my parents to not buy for them anymore. Hell, DH's parents don't even buy for them anymore, and neither do we.
I don't know. It's a tempting
I don't know.
It's a tempting thing to do and easy to rationalize, but I really believe that each relationship is its own and should be treated on its own merit. It is not a logical consequence : " you treat me badly and now my family will ignore you". Let each relationship take it's natural course, don't steer it one way or another. They are already your family and more naturally on your side, they have a right to give this they own fair chance and something good might come out of it. If not, it won't take much for it to show.
My family gives gifts to my
My family gives gifts to my resident Skids (SS9 & SD7)...my grandmother even started giving them birthday cards with money in it, which is huge BTW.
I have been told by my mother, sisters and paternal grandmother that if the non resident Skids treat me like crap &/or don't even bother coming to visit, they see no reason to treat them as "family" or to think of them at all for that matter.
I have no problem with their way of viewing the situation. I suppose it's their way of "standing by" me.
My family no longer sends
My family no longer sends gifts to DH's kid and I personally haven't purchased anything for her in nearly 4 years. I put a stop to it a few years ago when I was told I was not her family, my family didn't matter to her and I didn't matter to her. This punk ass 12 year old brat told me I was a bitch, that she hoped my DH would leave me and she hated me.
Since then, I do not buy ANYTHING for her and neither does my family.
Eh I think it depends on the
Eh I think it depends on the skids. My family gives gifts to my SS they spoil him as rotten as my bio-son. He always calls and tells them thank you when they send him something. They try to include him in everything...but my family doesn't give gifts to my brother's SS because he is an ungrateful brat.
My own family does not give
My own family does not give gifts to DH's kids. There is no reason for them to do so.
When I was pregnant with my
When I was pregnant with my son (DH, SS and I had been together for four years at the time), my family, who I am very close to had almost as many gifts for my SS as the baby in order to make him feel as special. Holidays have also always been even between my BS and SS. That ofcourse does not stop SS or BM from being impossible, but atleast SS feels loved by my family. And, DH appreciates it greatly.
My family has always given
My family has always given gifts to my SD, starting before I married her dad. I would have had a real issue with my parents buying things for my kids but not my step-kid. My SD is a huge, ungrateful brat now, and they all still buy her gifts...just as they would an ungrateful bio. I understand not wanting to spend the money when they are ungrateful...so I tell my family to buy her things on clearance...they don't have to spend a ton but yet her present is still "equal" to the bios' presents.
My sister always gets my
My sister always gets my skids bithday gifts and christmas gifts. I never asked her too but she says she'd feel guilty if she didn't. I have told her they don't deserve it(ss12 and ss13 anyway) and she has seen how disrespectfull and mean they can be but she still does it! Her and her children unfotunatly have been subject to their behaviors and she still buys them gifts. I would never tell her no don't give them gifts and yet I would never be the least bit upset if she didn't. I think it's really something you have to let them decide. She has 2 skids and I buy them gifts for christmas and birthdays. There again she has told me I don't have to but never said don't buy them things.(her skids don't give her half the trouble mine do thank God)