is it time to call it quits
I have 3 kids and my partner has 5, 2 of which live with us, and we have one on the way. At present there are a few issues with my 10yr old daughter and his 11yr old son, I usually try to ignore it, or make excuses for his behaviour but last night i told him to leave her alone, and i wasnt going to put up with his smart ass remarks toward me, well the SS went crying to his dad, who pulled me up in front of the SS to ask what happened like i was the child.....I have no issues with my partner saying something to my kids if they are in the wrong, so why should i sit around and watch his son bully my kid constantly. I have tried for a long time to make it work with all our kids, and i am not sure i can do it anymore when i get no respect from the ss and no support from my partner. We have a baby due in a few months. I am considering leaving, though i do love my partner, and his kids can be great, but i am stressed and my daughter doesnt want to be anywhere near the SS, and im afraid it will eventually ruin her relationship with me. The younger 4 kids see there biological mum/dad every 2nd weekend and half of the holidays.
If anyone has any advice i would appreciate it.
Have you sought help from a
Have you sought help from a councellor first before you call it quits?
I wonder if there is a specialist councellor in your area that specialises in blended families?
Also some great books out so that maybe you and DH can read and be on the same page.
Not sure you how feel but I would probably try to give it everything I've got before walking away.
Thanks No Idea, Yes i have
Thanks No Idea,
Yes i have sought counciling about 6-8 months ago, the councillor couldnt give me any advice, other than to bring him to the counciling sessions and to take each positive and build on them to form a positive relationship, though at the time it did make things a little better. My partner is not interested in facing what is going on. he wasnt interested in attending counciling with me and didnt want me to go either.He doesnt even seem to care that i am ready to walk. My youngest 2 kids love him like he is there dad, and it breaks my heart to think im taking them away from that, and then there is the bub i am carrying, but im not sure where else to turn or what else i can do
I'm sorry to hear that DH
I'm sorry to hear that DH wont seek help. Perhaps he is stuck in a bit of a rut.
A lot of men are very uncomfortable with the idea of seeing a councellor or their parnter needing to see a councellor.
But how can you save something if he isn't willing to try??
I appreciate the difficult situation that you are in!!
We have been going through
We have been going through the same issues for over 18 months, the 11yr old accuses me of having a go at him any time i tell him off for even the slightest thing (i have only done it a handful of times because of this)and my partner seems to think i should have to apologise to his son or justify my reasons. We have discussed dicipline and agreed that in order for the kids to respect us we both need to be able to dicipline, but although he diciplines mine, i cant say a word to his. His son has in the past stole money from me, and i suspect he still does it from the both of us, and it isnt as though he wants for anything. The SS used to hang out with my 10 yr old daughter all the time, but now all he does is bully her, to the point where she doesnt want to be near him, I said something to my partner and he goes off on some tangent about how she gets away with everything...truth be told she gets the most dicipline out of the 5 kids living here, from both myself and my partner.
The eldest living here is 16, he has no dicipline, granted he is a good kid, but there are no boundries,he has his GF stay over regularly, he can buy what he likes regardles of whether we have room (he does use his own money, for example he has a car, and recently got given his fathers ute for work, one motorbike wasnt enough so he got another, then sold both, and recently got 3 go karts, and as far as i can tell is looking to get a trailer. We live in a regular house with a regular yard, my partner and i have 2 cars that need doing up, 2 general use cars, a work ute, plus one more currently at a mates as we have no room for it........oh and 2 trailers........in my opinion the 16yr SS needs to wait until he moves out to do all this, we have 5 others coming up behind him that are going to use him as an example.
My kids are no angels, but they happen to be younger, and we both dicipline them.
My partners other kids we dont see for one reason or another......the teenage daughter had boundries when it came to her bf sleeping over so she left home and a short time later became pregnant, there is a lot more to this but(she is not happy her dad is having a child now he is a grandfather to her 2 kids)
there is another teenage daughter who now lives with her mum, and for one reason or another she rarely visits.
The eldest is still in contact and stays occassionally though he is an adult with his own life.
His kids all lived with him when i met them as the mum had walked out (long story)
on reading my long passage (i apologise for this) it feels to me like i am only looking at the negative, i honestly like his kids, and i guess want a fairytale brady bunch family..........we have had a lot of ups and downs in the past couple of years and just as i thought things were looking up it has all disintegrated from under me
Honestly, it sounds like
Honestly, it sounds like you've already made your decision, your just looking for the courage to follow through. Good Luck
Read this and by all means
Read this and by all means PROTECT YOUR CHILD AGAINST BULLYING. If you correct his son after he has done something wrong and your partner objects to it, then it's time to start planning your exit (hopefully you're not doing anything for his children aka cooking for them, cleaning, washing up, etc):
http://steptogether.org/help.html
Amateur yes i do ALL the
Amateur yes i do ALL the housework and cooking etc, im here when my partner is at work, i also take calls for his business and do any bookwork etc...i do/did it because i love him and want to help any way i can.
Simifan, leaving is on the cards, but i need to make absolutely certain it is the right thing to do as i do still love him, and there is also my kids to consider and they have a good relationship with my partner and the 16yr old, inc my little one yet to be born,
Here's the thing: If you are
Here's the thing: If you are doing all this work for him and taking care of his kids (100% responsibility) but yet are not allowed to set limits, boundaries or discipline for his children (0% authority) and he has shown you time and again that HE HIMSELF either could not be bothered or does not want to, does not have the time for, etc. disciplining and training his very own children, then you need to disengage.
Read the link on disengaging posted above. This means that you would be taking care of your own children but are under NO LEGAL OBLIGATION to care for HIS children SINCE he won't let you set rules and consequences for them either!
There can be NO stepmoms taking on 100% responsbility yet having 0% authority.
I told him today if we didnt
I told him today if we didnt do something now about fixing our relationship, i was leaving,he said he would listen to me but that isnt solving anything, i want counciling, he still doesnt seem to get it and is telling everyone i am moody because i am pregnant.......is the only way to get through to him by me actually leaving ?
I read the link and some of it is relevant to my situation, i sent him the link but not sure he read it