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Struggling Stepfather - Open and appreciative of the experience of others

jaybe105's picture

Submitted by jaybe105 on Sun, 09/11/2011 - 8:48pm

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Hello,

I am technically not a stepfather yet - I have been dating the most amazing woman in the world for going on 6 years now, and within that time frame have been living with her for over a year. We met when I was in college because we both lived in the same apartment complex. At the time that I had met her, she was raising a beautiful 2 year old girl on her own. I have been in both of their lives ever since - I finished school, was fortunate enough to find a job, and now live with them both. In addition, we are expecting a baby this fall. Planning to get married very soon, it's just we would like it to be special and priorities need to be appropriate (still need to become more established at my job, financially preparing for a baby, etc.)

We've been through the normal ups and downs - working together to form a united front, and attempting to feel out when I should discipline and when I shouldn't. My general consensus so far is that step parenting is by far, the hardest challenge I have ever taken on.

An issue that just arose is as follows - I had purchased a new television for the living room upon moving in. My 7 year old step daughter is very fond of television. My personal belief is that a child, especially that age, needs limits and boundaries when it comes to how much television they watch. My girlfriend does not share this belief, and we have both admitted that it would be difficult to enforce limits anyway - she goes to her grandmothers after school and has to stay with her biological father every other weekend (and there is no working together in that area). Long story short, she watches plenty of television (in my opinion, my girlfriend disagrees). She watches roughly 30-40 mins every morning before school, approximately 1-2 hours after school at her grandmothers, and the sky is the limit on the weekends either at our home or at her dad's.

Today, (Sunday morning), she had watched a little under 4 hours of television. Her mother took her to girlscouts and to the store in the afternoon and they returned around 6:30 pm. I was using the television and my step daughter came and sat beside me for a few minutes before requesting that she watch something else. My initial response was "No, you have already watched a lot of television today and now I am enjoying the television". This prompted her mother to ask me in front my step daughter, "Can't you just share it for a little while". I became frustrated - I said no, and restated the reason why, along with the fact that it was my television and that I am happy to share it, but just not now. This prompted my step daughter to argue that it was "our" television, and not mine. To which I also disagreed firmly and added that I am happy to share it as I do frequently with my step daughter, but I was not ready to share it at this exact moment. To this point, my girlfriend sided with my step daughter and said yet again in front of her daughter said, "Well, I just need to get a television for the living room then for everybody and then you can move that one to our room". Again, a concept that I firmly disagree with. It came to light soon after that her mother had promised her that she could watch television when they returned from girl scouts today. I regretfully argued with my girlfriend in front of my step daughter before eventually giving up and letting them have the television as I went else where in the house.

I hope to gather opinions on my thought process here from members of the forum, and I appreciate any of your advice whether or not you agree or disagree with my stance:

1. I do consider the television, as with everything else in the house, "ours" - but I do not believe that a 7 year old has the same rights to things within the house. This is the foundation of my argument. Adults and children are not equal - adults have priority on all things under the roof that they pay for. Regardless if my step daughter had watched 4 hours or 0 hours of television - the adults of the house dictate the usage of the television, period. A sub-stance I take with this issue is that the television is technically "mine" - I do very much want my step daughter to feel comfortable using any of my things, but I do expect her to respect my possessions, regardless of their communal usage. Very much like I should be respectful of her toys and her own possessions.

2. I do not agree that my girlfriend challenged me on this issue in front of my step daughter. She understands the concept of a united front, it's a mountain we have overcome long ago - In my opinion, this should not have been an exception - Am I missing a variable here? (besides the fact she had earlier promised my step daughter use of the television?)

I understand that times have changed - but looking back at when I was 7 years old, if I would have asked either one of my parents if I could take over the television when they were using it and if they had responded no - I would dare not push it further.

I hope that wasn't too long winded, and I hope that it isn't too trivial of a discussion - but I feel I would benefit greatly from the responses of forum members. Thank you for reading.

mommaofsoontobe4's picture

Submitted by mommaofsoontobe4 on Sun, 09/11/2011 - 10:50pm

agreed...in our house, there are limits on the children's TV watching and what they watch. 2 boys and 1 teen girl. We make them all go outside to play and have other constructive things for them to do. IMO most moms and dads tend to use the TV as a babysitter. I would position that to your GF so she gets to see what this girl will grow up knowing. (ie. momma had more important things to do then to have anything to do with me for hours)

As for SD demanding that you SHARE the TV with her....next dinner, make some for you and GF. When SD gets confused about where hers is, let her know that if she wants to talk to you like an adult, you will treat her like one and she can get/make her own food. Maybe even suggest that things that your money has bought for her is ALSO "OURS". Seriously...I agree with you....there's something in the water these days that makes kids blatantly disrespectful. If BM has an issue with you teaching SD respect for adults, let BM know that that will set her up for failure when she's a teen or adult and she can't respect authority enough to care about staying on the right path. If she met you in college, she should hopefully understand.

Good luck and keep us posted with any progress.

herewegoagain's picture

Submitted by herewegoagain on Sun, 09/11/2011 - 11:07pm

You are 100% correct. Your GF is wrong. By her doing this she is allowing her daughter to dictate what happens in the house and she is NOT the adult in the house.

By the way, I have a 10yr old with my husband. Sometimes he will come in with one of his friends, while my husband is watching TV, and grab the Wii remote and go straight to the TV to start playing Wii. My husband normally says nothing...and I have told him time and time again that OUR son will NOT do this. Thankfully, my husband is now getting it and when our son does this, we both (or he) tells him "nope, I am watching TV, when I am done, then you can use it. I will let you know. Find something else to do." Of course, if we're not watching it, no problem...but our son will NOT dictate what he gets and when in our home. I have told my husband if he allows that, I will NOT...because the reason his daughter (from a previous marriage) is a PITA and thinks she is owed the world and is an EQUAL or better than her parents is because of that lazy parenting and allowing her to run the show...kids do NOT run the show. PERIOD.

Kes's picture

Submitted by Kes on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 2:52am

Agree with you on all points, particularly your GF should have supported you in front of her daughter, even if she didn't agree, and sort it out with you in private, later. You HAVE to be on the same page with SKIDS.

RaeRae's picture

Submitted by RaeRae on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 8:00am

Ooooh the tv thing..... I was raised learning that, when an adult was using the television, the adult was using the television. If a child was using the television and an adult wanted the television, the adult got the television.

DH and I disagree about this. He put tvs in the kids rooms, yet they are always on my living room tv watching kid crap. I'm not a kid, I'd like to watch the news on my tv in my living room. That's why the kids have tvs in their room, DH. "Well, look, they are all sitting in here quietly, isn't it nice?" No DH, it isn't nice. I'm sick of hearing the spongebob song, I'm sick of icarly, I don't care for martha speaks, I'd like to watch the news.

There is no television in our bedroom. I'll get one soon, and every time he decides to change the channel when I get up to go to the bathroom or put the laundry from the washer to the dryer, I'll leave him alone with the kids and go watch the news in my room.

I feel you. As an adult, who works and takes care of everything, you are entitled to sit and relax in front of the tv when you want to.

OptimisticMe's picture

Submitted by OptimisticMe on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 8:57am

I agree with you completely on all points, except I am not too worried about the amount of TV my kids watch as long as they also do activities that don't involve the TV like drawing, reading and playing outside.

I totally agree that if an adult wants the TV or anything else for that matter that YOU pay for, you get first dibs. If she was watching the TV and you wanted it, I see nothing wrong with telling her it is your turn and she needs to hand over the remote.

This is the problem with today's kids...they are entitled little brats and it is our fault for letting them get that way. We need to stop meeting our kids' every demands and start expecting more from them.

Also, she NEVER should have questioned you in front of the daughter...talk about undermining your authority. She just picked her daughter over you in a way. And taught her daughter that if she wants something you are using, it is ok to take it from you. If she had promised her daughter she could watch TV, she should have told you she promised her and told her daughter she could watch when you were done. So you had the TV when she wanted it??? That should have been a life lesson that you don't get everything you want.

hbell0428's picture

Submitted by hbell0428 on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 11:21am

I agree and speak from years of experience......NEVER EVER let them see or hear you question one another. Fake it if you have to; fight about it if you must - but once they learn divide and conquer - its over!! Good luck; pick your battles and stand by them.

Doubletakex3's picture

Submitted by Doubletakex3 on Mon, 09/12/2011 - 9:22pm

I'll date myself with this story but oh well. Not only did I not get to pick what was on TV, I functioned as my dad's remote control. I'd sit near the TV and he'd tell me which way to flip the channel! My how times have changed in such a short time! At least the TV was in color. LOL

SpinachSmoothie's picture

Submitted by SpinachSmoothie on Thu, 09/22/2011 - 1:21pm

I really can't comment much on the TV issue as we don't allow our son to watch TV before school, not until after he's completed his nightly homework, and on the weekends, WHEN he's not outside playing. However, I really don't understand why your girlfriend (fiancee?) would blatantly “shoot you down” in front of a child. (Hormones, perhaps?) I’m giving her the benefit of the doubt because I just can’t wrap my head around the obvious dissention. Are you two OK other than this particular issue? I ask because her actions seem to indicate she’s showing you the united front is between her and her daughter. I have seen this dynamic numerous times in SP households of my friends, and let me tell you, with another child on the way, you two are really going to have to work extra hard at communicating and presenting a united front for both children or they WILL be running the household; not you nor your GF. The stress of caring for a new child is undescribably difficult even with two parents who are on the same parenting page. It might be high time for some pre-marriage/post-baby counseling or that wedding you’re holding off on might never happen. (And that’s not the worst thing either; being stable parents is the most important thing you two can and ever will be)! Good luck. I hope your GF realizes how easy it is for children to come between a couple, especially a child who does not show respect towards both parents and parents that can’t agree on parenting!

PrincessFiona's picture

Submitted by PrincessFiona on Thu, 09/22/2011 - 1:40pm

I agree with you 100%. You seem to have a reasonable approach to parenting and have sound parenting expectations. That being said, it sounds like you and your wife have found a weak spot in your agreement of parenting. Sounds like a good place to compromise.

Maybe you back down from your stance of how much is too much TV and agree to not keep mentioning it and she in turn agrees to honor your theory(which I agree with btw) that the adult calls the shots, when the adult is watching TV the child waits.