Wow...the first part of your post made me look twice! I thought you were talking about my situation - all the way up to the pooping! :sick:
I'm with Foxie...if it's attention she's looking for, she'll get it when you tell her to wash out her panties!

Is it really your SD whom you can't stand, or the way she's being raised? Children are products of how they're parented. If their parents are doing a crappy job of raising them, its undoubtedly going to show. Is that the child's fault, or the parents'? Her parents are the ones who are supposed to be teaching her stuff like how to use the bathroom properly, how to act around others (i.e. it's not ok to flirt with daddy or be mean to your daughter) and how to control her emotions. They apparently aren't doing this at all. What they are doing (even if it's unintentional) is creating a tense environment for her to be in (kids can pick up on how we really feel about them no matter how we "act") and setting her up for failure as a teen and adult, because these behaviors will make her the laughing stock of her friends and acquaintances.

There are a few things you can do and should encourage DH to do. If SDs medical, educational and personal needs aren't being met by BM, call CPS on BM. They are obligated to look into every claim they receive. Have DH get a court order/parenting plan stating very clearly when he gets SD. Also have the order/plan carve out times when he can call SD a couple of times throughout the week when she's at BMs. Ask DH to get SD into counseling. If he agrees but BM doesn't, get it mandated in the court order. It sounds like she (SD) needs it desperately.

At 9, she knows how to flirt. That's scary. She's also pooping in her pants. Does BM subject her to questionable people? Google "signs of sexual abuse" in children. Even if she wasn't sexually abused, it's worth knowing the signs and symptoms.

Document everything BM does that could be used to help DH in court. Keep all communication with her confined to text and email so you can print it off and keep it for future use. Only answer her calls in emergencies.

Pullups for Miss9. Nothing else. And she can poop herself until the cows come home. Throw all her soiled underwear out. And ask your DH if he thinks this works in school. I doubt she poos herself there. So why at home? ANd make her sit in it on a chair covered with plastic. In fact, she has to sit on a plastic mat at all times to save the furniture. If it is attention she wants, she's got it!

And honey, the next time he agrees to you watching his daughter who you are not allowed to direct/discipline, pack a bag for you and DD, pop SD in the car, drop her off at Daddys work and tell him you will be back in a couple of days. If it works for BM it MUST be OK for you too. BYEEEEEEEEEEEE!

The pooping...well, yes, I say put her in pull-ups...no doubt. Then have a roll of bags, so she can change them herself, put them in a bag and go out to the trash can and throw them out. She will NEVER do it again.

The butt in the air naked? Loser skid used to do some crazy stuff...DH didn't see it as majorly f#$%#$%ed up...he would argue with me. Then I said, "well, I guess if she can do that here with you and she doesn't live with you, then she must be used to doing it with her step-dad..." That crap stopped real quick. Anytime he felt she was being "sexual" in a weird way, or not covering up, he would punish her. Worked like a charm.

About watching HIS kid while he works...HUH? Why? No, no way. You do it now and he will forever expect it. It is HIS child. If he didn't have you he would have had to say NO. The same should apply. My DH tried this BS just once. I told him exactly the same thing..."if we weren't together, you would have to stay home with her or take her to her mother's...and if you are with me so that I can take care of your daughter, then let me know so I can get out now." He never expected it again.

As far as being short with you and your BD...I can see how that upsets you. My DH used to do the same with us when loser skid was around. It ticked me off. Eventually what I realized was that provided what he was punishing our son for was reasonable, then at the end the ONLY ONE who would end up a loser was HIS kid, not ours...which of course, at the age of 10 my kiddo is AWESOME! Polite! Generous! His kid? A loser. That's what crappy parenting did to her. Not my problem either.

Unless you are 100% sure there is not a health/physical reason that she is still pooping her pants at age 9, then there is some serious therapy needed for this child IMO. It’s clear to me that there is some disturbing things happening at her BM’s house that is creating some of this acting out. I agree with another poster, if DH does that with your schedule again, then drop her off at his work, or better yet, don’t be home when SD is being dropped off.

RE: The Pooping In Pants Issue

This is a complex problem, but the solution is actually a pretty simple one – not necessarily a pleasant one, but a simple one. Your stepdaughter has somehow managed to make her bodily functions your (yours and your husbands) responsibility and her messing “incidents” (stop calling them “accidents”) your problem. That has got to change.

You and your husband need to sit down with your stepdaughter and lay down some new rules. Your husband can do most of the talking but BOTH of you need to be involved in this conversation. It needs to be explained to your daughter that at her age, her bathroom functions are entirely her responsibility. Her dad and her stepmom will no longer be involved with her bodily functions in any way as they now will be entirely her responsibility. Tell her that it is entirely up to her how she handles her bowel movements (or whatever you call it). You can tell her that you prefer that she does them in the toilet, that being the cleanest and easiest way and the way that other girls her age handle it, but that it is still her choice. If she chooses to go in her panties, you won’t yell or scream or punish or even shame her – it’s entirely her responsibility and her choice to make and you are no longer involved in that decision.

But you also tell her that if she chooses to go in her pants, then she also chooses having to clean it up afterwards. Present her with a dozen new pairs of panties and half dozen washcloths. Explain to her everything that cleaning up after a mess entails: cleaning out panties and pants, cleaning herself, getting herself new panties and pants, putting the cleaned out clothes in the wash, and tidying up the bathroom after herself. This entire conversations needs to simply be factual and non-judgmental and non-punitive. None of this clean-up process is a punishment as there is no more punishment for going in her panties because it is entirely up to her whether she does that or not. Cleaning up is simply what she has to do when she chooses to go in her panties. It’s all part of the process just like wiping oneself is part of the process when she does go in the toilet.

It is entirely inappropriate for a 9 year old girl to be going without panties and it is similarly inappropriate for her to be wearing pull-ups. She is perfectly capable of using the toilet like a girl her age should, so there is no legitimate reason for her to be wearing anything other than panties. And if she make the choice to mess in the panties, she then she makes the choice to clean up the panties. It’s very simple – she makes the mess, she cleans the mess. Panties will no longer be thrown away just because she messes in them.

When she does go in her panties you and your husband should not react at all. Do not give her the attention (negative or otherwise) that she seeks. Tell her quite simply and matter-of-factly, “I see that YOU CHOSE to defecate (or whatever you call it) in your panties – so now you need to go in the bathroom and clean yourself up. Again, no judgments, no shaming, no punishment – just her taking responsibility and cleaning up her mess. There are no more talks with her father afterwards because there is nothing to talk about. She made her choice to go in her panties and now she has to clean it up. Her choice and her consequences – there is no need to talk about it further. You and your husband are not to be involved in her bodily functions anymore.
When she CHOOSES to mess in her panties, she doesn’t get alone time with her father. She doesn’t get a reaction or attention from you or anyone else. By messing in her panties, she doesn’t get to control what you and your husband do. All she gets is the dirty, disgusting, tedious and time-consuming task of cleaning it up. She cannot disrupt whatever pleasurable activity that you and your husband are participating in by messing in her panties and she cannot participate in it herself because she’s stuck in the bathroom cleaning herself up. When she does finish cleaning up, she should be perfectly free to join back in with no punishment or shaming or even any overt disapproval. It was entirely her choice to go in her panties and she fulfilled her responsibility by cleaning it up afterwards. But she’ll have missed out on some time with you and daddy because she was stuck in the bathroom cleaning up her mess. If she doesn’t want to stop what pleasurable activity she’s doing for 2-3 minutes to go use the toilet, then she’s going to have to stop it for about 30 minutes or so to go in the bathroom and clean herself.

Your stepdaughter sounds stubborn and this won’t work overnight. She’ll quickly understand that cleaning up her own messes is not fun and she’ll get tired of that rather quickly. And she’ll eventually understand that she can’t control you and your husband by messing in her panties and that doing so won’t get any reaction from you or one-on-one time with daddy. It will soon be apparent to her that the only person she is hurting by going in her panties is herself. Then she’ll make the right choice, FOR HERSELF, and stop messing in her panties.

In most cases I generally believe that a decent buttwhooping a time out will cure things, but I have to agree with this post.
She's 9 not 4 and she needs to learn to be responsible. Also, I would recommend explaining to her that it's going to be hard to have fun or do anything interesting when she is always having to take care of her own messes. Finally, if she doesn't clean out the panties then explain to her she will not be receiving any clean ones or any clean laundry until the panties and the bathroom have been cleaned up. Even if she doesn't like it, I doubt she will like wearing dirty pants and panties either.
Tell your husband that you WILL NOT deal with it anymore. You won't clean up after her nasty little disasters, and you WILL NOT wipe the girl's butt for her. She can wait till her daddy gets home and he can do it himself.
Finally, stick to your guns. It's terrible that this could tear your marriage apart, but be strong. Either he will shape up or you two will break up, but even breaking up couldn't be the worse thing. You could instead wind up cleaning up after a 18 year old whenever she feels the urge to not go to the bathroom.