I raised my kids way differently!
Hi everyone. I'm brand new here so forgive me if I don't use the abbreviations much. Too confusing at this point! lol.
I have been with the man of my dreams for over 3 years and we got married last September. We are perfect together and I love him so much! My two boys are grown and although my husband is 7 years older than me (he is 50), he and his ex-wife started late in life and I now have 8, 11 and 17 year old stepsons. I have to admit that I didn't expect to still be raising children this late in life after already having mine raised. It's depressing sometimes that I still have another 10 years. I know if wouldn't bother me at all, however, if they were good kids, but honestly, sometimes they are the worst kids I've ever known!
There are so many issues, but mainly they all revolve around the fact that I believe in a completely different way of raising children. I feel as though I can't say anything though, because they are his kids and he's entitled to raise them however he wants. I could go on and on, but I will just post a couple of examples for now.
His kids are the most "entitled" kids I've ever met in my life! They expect everything in life and nobody but me seems to think this is a problem. They help themselves to everything in the house without asking if it's okay. It bothers me so much to see them all going through the cupboards and refrigerator and taking whatever they want. They have NO LIMITS on anything. It doesn't bother me so much with the 17 year old, but the 8 and 11 year old are way too young to just get into whatever they want. If they want a huge bowl of ice cream right before dinner, they have it. If they want 8 cans of pop a day, they have it. I've had to go to the store to get more things for dinner because they've gotten into stuff without asking and then there wasn't enough. I always had to ask my parents if it was okay if I got into something and I raised my boys the same way. I see nothing wrong with this. The house food shouldn't be a free for all for kids who don't know how to eat healthily. They stay home all day now with it being summer, and they are into stuff all day. Last night two of them didn't eat dinner because their stomachs hurt. I told my husband I knew it wasn't their stomachs hurting. It was because they'd been into things all day. Sure enough, an hour later they were hungry and my husband was in making them dinner on new plates literally as I was throwing their food away that they wasted at dinnertime because "their stomachs hurt!" Also, he waits on them hand and foot. I make their plates for them (if I don't they take all the food and then nobody else gets any-then they throw it away because they can't eat it all). My husband carries their plates downstairs to them (they eat in front of the tv) and asks them what they want to drink, then comes back up and gets that and carries it down. When they are done they just leave their dishes downstairs and my husband brings them back up for them. I used to do all that when we first got together, but I refuse to do so now and it makes me so angry that he does it. They have NO chores so I am pretty much doing it all, plus working a full time job. They trash the house and never pick up after themselves.
They are the most disprespectful kids I've ever seen. The 11 year old actually told his sweet grandma to "get off his property" when she came to the house to pick him up one time for a church class and he didn't feel like going. He, of course, wasn't punished. He was just asked if he understood how bad that made grandma feel and if he could not do that again. I just can't believe it. I would NEVER in a million years let my kids treat anyone like that. Especially their grandma! The grandparents, however, don't help too much either. They are pretty lenient with them also, although not as bad as their dad. I've already talked about them not having any limits. The grandparents were laughing the other day because the youngest one asked if he could have some dried fruit and when he was told yes, he got the whole bag and started shoving it in his mouth one piece after another. They thought it was funny and just commented on how much he LOVES dried fruit! Give me a break! If the kid wants some dried fruit, get him a little. Don't let him sit there and stuff himself. But that's what they all allow. The same kid, when I brought doughnuts home one time as a treat for them, took a whole doughnut, shoved the entire thing in his mouth and then took another one and went downstairs. I was so mad. It's ridiculous! Anyway...as I said, I have a million things to get off my chest, but I will close up for now. For those of you who took the time to read this "book" thank you! Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Your husband has created
Your husband has created monsters and he continues to feed them. Literally. That's crazy. The sad thing is that he seems to be fine with things as they are, and I'm quite certain they are too.
((((Hugs)))) go out to you!
Totally Lost---WELCOME. I met
Totally Lost---WELCOME. I met and married my husband after my children were grown. His were also grown and out of the house but there were still so many problms that I had never considered. Most were due to the difference in our expectations of our children and the way they were raised. At one point we were filing for divorce . My first suggestion would be to keep your finances separate. Pay your fair share for housing,food,utilities and cover your own expenses for personal interests. Let the parents of these children be responsible for their financial needs. It is not as aggravating to see food wasted, material items destroyed or money being handed out when it is not your hard earned money paying the price. When the children come to visit they are there to visit dad. The divorce papers do not list you as the one they are visiting, do not list you as care taker or list you as being responsible for their needs. Sounds like you took over early on trying to fill the role of being a parent but you are not. It is often difficult to change what has become the routine and is now expected of you. When you realize you have taken on responsibilities that are not yours and feeling taken advantage of then it is time to back off. My husband has recently started to have more then his once a year contact with his children and grandkids. He plans to bring them here for visits. I will be polite, friendly towards them,but not putting myself out for them. The earlier days of my doing the cooking, changing diapers, entertaining,bathing,washing clothes, and paying for their needs while he is off volunteering at his numerous social clubs, visiting his friends or off in the garage or yard trying to look busy so he won't have to deal with the grandkids is over. I came into this marriage with the attitude that his children/grandchildren were also mine. Wrong idea- doesn't work. There was a lot of resistance to change on his part. The first time I said I was not going to go with him to pick up his grandkids,and made my own plans to visit with my own family. He threw a fit. I was accused of hating his children and grandchildren, called some pretty evil names. He used every guilt trip strategy possible. If they are going out to eat or going somewhere I would like to go, then I will join them. Otherwise my days of child care are over. There are certain rooms of the house that are off limits to the kids and those are the areas I retreat to so I do not have to deal with the kids if I need my quiet time. If they make a mess and husband does not pick up it remains there .