Does anyone else live with a "Disneyland Dad?"
The way my fiancé treats his step kids, SS12 and SD10, drives me completely insane! Every weekend that they come here is Disneyland for them (and the opposite for me).
Fiancé travels all week and kids are with BM. So when he comes through the door on Thursday nights it is with the kids and the first time any of us have seen him all week. I might get a kiss hello, but after that, fiancé is usually up SS12s butt the rest of the time. SD10 locks herself in her room and plays with toys and watches tv.
Fiancé is from then on tripping over himself to give skids whatever they want, particularly SS. Ice cream? Video games? Movies? Mini golf? Have friends over? Stay up as late as you want? They ask, they get. No matter if their behavior is whiny or if they fight or mouth off. He just wants to make things nice for them here because it is so awful for them at BMs. Yeah. Listen, I know she is not an award winning mom... Doesn't cook or clean, but those kids have figured out how to guilt their dad into everything with tales of misery at BMs.
In the meantime, I am sitting around, watching everyone make a mess of the house I spent the week cleaning, stuck at home because the kids and their friends are always there (BM doesn't let us have friends over because the house is a mess dad!) and I feel like I am am only there to be a maid
Neither kid has any responsibility. Fiancé says they are too young and that he doesn't want them to spend their time with him working. He can't see that they are spending their time with him turning into spoiled, entitled little brats!
He seems to think that in a year or two that we can get custody of the kids. That will leave me to take care of them during the week when he is out of town. I have no desire to care for these kids he is raising. BM is no better, she is just plain lazy, so they are learning no responsibility over there either.
The whole situation just sucks and seems to be getting worse instead of better. I can't say anything to fiancé about it. He thinks #1, I have no kids of my own so I don't understand, and # 2, I am just being a bitch about the kids.
Isn't Disney supposed to be fun?
As much as I don't like BM, I
As much as I don't like BM, I have really felt for her on this one. I would hate to be in her position with Disney dad exH
Its supposed to be. I have a
Its supposed to be. I have a disney dad too. Its taken a lot of fighting and putting my foot down, but he's getting better.
Sounds like its time to use your voice. He doesn't get to ignore you, take you for granted and he needs to make arrangements if he gets custody. You are not a live in babysitter.
He needs to pay attention to you even with skids are there and he needs to learn that all this spoiling is going to make for crappy teens and adults.
I disengaged a few months and my SO started seeing skids for what they really were. I never thought it would work, it did.
When he has to deal with them all the time without you, he should feel the sting.
Mine was the same way. I don't understand cause I don't have kids. I'm just being picky.
Now, start making plans on skid weekends with your friends. Start letting him do his own thing with the skids. He'll learn. If he doesn't you will be less stressed. DO NOT CLEAN UP AFTER THEM ANYMORE.
Start with this. And don't give in. If he whines, gets mad, makes you feel guity... that means its working.
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Things I no longer do when disengaged.
1. Wash Dishes that SO and skids make
2. Getting used towels that SD leaves in her room from the weekend
3. Getting dishes left in their rooms
4. Their laundry before they go back to BM
5. Give advice or input in conversation with skids
6. Have conversations with skids.
7. Give input or advice to SO. If asked, I give the most objective and brief answer possible.
8. Correct their inappropriate behavior, burping at the table, rude comments about other people etc.
9. Spend the whole weekend with skids. I do one activity maybe two. Other than that I find something else to do.
10. Put items away that are left on bathroom or kitchen counter
11. Clean for their visit. Whatever cleaning is done is what I would do normally whether they are coming or not.
12. Do favors or parental duties, e.g. Teach SD how to drive, take her to the mall, or entertain her because SO wants to spend time with SS or run his own errands.
13. respond to any negative behavior, eye rolling, huffing, etc.
14. watch or listen to material with skids that makes me uncomfortable because it is age inappropriate.
15. Cook unless SO helps with cooking and clean up.
What I will do
1. If skid asks for medical attention, I will give it
2. If skid talks to me to joke in a friendly manner with me or to ask about me, i will respond in kind.
3. If skid talks to me disrespectfully, they will be told they can cease talking to me until they want to do so respectfully.
4. If skid enters a room i will say hello if I have yet to acknowledge their presence for that day.
5. If skid asks a general question and SO is not around, i will answer. If its for permission or something more involved, I will send them to their dad.
6. If skid invites me to play an activity outside, I will do so. AS long as we are all being respectful of one another.
7. Leave the room if I find any topic of conversation uncomfortable, inappropriate. If I can't leave the room, my headphones go with me (car situations) and those go on.
I retain the right to remove myself from any duties or situations where I feel I am not being respected or appreciated.
Brave stance. This is a good
I too, disengaged some years
I too, disengaged some years ago and would recommend it as a tactic to make life at least bearable. I adopt a very similar approach to the points listed by alwaysanxious.
However, recently I became quite resentful because I feel that I am ignored too much by DH when SKIDS are here - and asked DH to look at allocating his attention more fairly. I feel that at 16 and 14 they do not need constant entertaining by their disney daddy, but should be doing things on their own or with peers more. I have yet to see how effective my request is going to be, as I only made it a couple of weeks ago. We will see.
Kes, I went through this too
Kes, I went through this too although SO was already doing it. I've had to make a lot of requests and be on SO's butt about this. Just keep reminding them that you still exist
Well you are not alone. Even
Well you are not alone. Even if his doing poor in school, if hes rude and hes not behaving in a good way yes hes treated like a KING! No consequences at all he just asks and he gets it.
I get so frustrated with this and yes believe me I know what you are dealing with.....every time that the kids come to the house and in a second they make a mess of your house...and you have spend time and effort to keep clean and decent your house. I hate that so much.
When you don't have the support from your partner is so difficult because the kid does whatever he wants....is like ohhh hes just a kid....let him be. I dont agree on raising a child with no restraints and to have everything he asks because then hes not going to work hard for things in life and hes never going to see any value on anything that is not material.
My SO used to be a Disney
My SO used to be a Disney Dad. It was sickening, but we have come a loooong way from there. At the beginning of my relationship with my SO, the skids lived with BM about 3 hours away. SO was allowed to visit his kids on weekends and when he did, he would open up his wallet to whatever their hearts desired, whether we could afford it or not. After all of our bills were paid we would usually have $800 left over for the month. It all went to my skids. Often our electricity would get shut off or our water and we would almost run out of food because SO had to buy the skids new clothes and shoes and toys every he visited them and take them to various amusement parks since he didn't want to spend time with them at BM's home. I forgot to mention that the reason he never brought the skids to our house at that time was because our car was on it's last leg. He would risk breaking down in the middle of nowhere just to spoil his kids rotten for yet another weekend. 2-3 years later we have full custody (much to my dismay) and the skids have to earn just about everything that they get. Once they came to live with us and my SO caught site of their horrible, entitled, selfish behavior..he really started making strides towards changing and the skids no longer completely view their dad as an open wallet. I would give almost anything to get the skids out of my house, but I have totally disengaged-which has helped me TONS and our lights aren't getting shut off anymore, which is always a plus lol.