I never thought about disengaging simply because of my biokids. My SD manipulates so badly that it has it's affects on everyone in the house. My Bioson began to feel like an outsider in his own house. I refuse to back down. I refuse to go unheard. My husband used to do that until I called him to the carpet. He was really so wrappted up in his guilt over his divorce to their mom that he honestly thought what he was doing was right.
I feel really bad for you. Keep at it. Stand your ground. What's right is right! I would seek some type of family counseling. Maybe a group session would help. If not that, then maybe couples counseling. You should be supported not alienated in your own home.

I tend to agree with you. I did disengage from my ss when he was about 9-he is 13 now and he is certainly no better, but worse IMO. The only thing that is better is that he no longer lives in our home. He is far mouthier than he was a few years back-he mocked me last visit because I asked him to put his blankets he urinated on in the laundry. So I am not sure disengaging is actually the route. Now, let me say, I do believe in disengaging to a cerain degree-if he wants to not do his homework, get F's etc, well, I dont care. Do I think he needs a consequence for this? Well, sure I do-but if his parents dont care if he is a loser at school then I am not going to put any effort into it either. I also can do this because he doesnt live here-if he did I'd probably handle it differently. Give MY kids rewards for good grades and just ignore his bad ones.

But when I disengage too much-dh just doesnt step up to the plate the way I think he should. Some of it is that he just doesnt remember, doesnt know how, whatever-some of it is he just doesnt want to deal with difficult things. Of course, that means nothing gets addressed or at least not consistently. I've been doing alitle experimenting and have found that the weekend I was engaged and stayed on top of him and told dh everytime he mouthed off to me was better. Now ss wasnt better-he was worse-but I found it didnt bother me as long as dh backed me up.

So therein lies your problem. Your dh is being dumb. I would disengage right now by just stopping to do things for ss if he is rude to you. I dont think you need to tell anyone this or make an announcement just do it. For example if he spends the morning screaming at you, then asks for a ride to baseball practice, the park, whatever-calmly say no. Of course he is going to want to know why-simply say, "I am not happy with how you treated me earlier so I dont feel like taking you xyz" Then walk away. If he has had a horrendous afternoon, perhaps, decide to take a spontanous trip out to get some ice cream and take the children that are well behaved (it helps if you have a good skid that way it ceases to be a step issue)and just dont invite him. Tell your dh you are out to run an errand and you'll see him later. You sound as if you are primary caretaker in this home-this skid needs you whether he wants to admit it or not. Start saying no to every single request he has and always calmly tell him when he asks it is because of how he treated you earlier. You are not yelling at him, you are not putting hands on him, but you are delivering a powerful consequence.

I started doing a little of this right before my ss moved out (he actually had to move due to my dh's deployment)-Everything he asked me I said no to if he had been inappropriate to me. Everything. For example, he screamed at me for 10 mintues one morning before school for some thing or another, then hears the bus, and hurriedly grabs his assingment book and tells me he needs it signed. I said, "no I'm sorry I am not willing to sign that for you after hte way you've just treated me". He'd act up in the evening and then tell me he's ready for soccer practice, "no, sorry I am not going to take you because of the way you acted". I never really got to reap any rewards to this since he moved out-but I think it would have worked. He does know now that I will not do anything for him (at all) if he's not nice. I dont do his laundry, I dont cook nor clean for him-unfortunately my dh sabotages this some and does it for him some of the time, but ss does at least ss the things I am willing to do for the other kids when they treat me properly. Which I do this with my own kids as well-if they are acting poorly toward me they know they do so at their own risk and that there will be consequences. Because they do need us. I rarely need to raise my voice with my kids, I never use any sort of physical force whatsoever.

Reclaim the house. Tell your husband either he gets his act together and gets his son acting like a young man and not a young thug or you will be showing them all the door. If he wants you to watch them during the day he backs you up 100% or he is taking the brood to work with him. You have no legal right or responsibility to watch them for him. His time His kids.

And mention to his son that the next time he leaves crap on the toilet seat or pees on the floor (in fact ANY of them) then you will be taking a photo of it and putting it on facebook with their handiwork tagged with their full name. Then all their friends can see how they behave. And their father may insist you take the photo down but by then it will be too late. EVERYONE they know will see their pooey toilet seat and pissy puddles.

He is making excuses for his son because je is a guilty dad. Ugh! One of the least likely I would make love to... if you get my drift

I would toss them out with the trash if he doesn't grovel and ask fr forgiveness.