BM... why do you act this way??
I’ve been dealing with my sd’s bm treating me like crap for 3 years now. She refuses to see me as sm or parent even though I and my dh have been raising my sd. She hasn’t contributed financially except to buy sd an outfit for the new school year and feed sd when she’s visiting her bm every month or so. I would think most kids see their bio parents more often than that when they only live 3 hrs away, but bm claims she never has any money. There may have been a few times bm did something nice for sd when bm got her tax return, but I could count on 2 hands how many times she’s contributed financially. Not to mention the TOTAL LACK of emotional support bm has for sd!!! I do EVERYTHING this woman should be doing herself, yet still no gratitude for ANY of it.
I’ve been trying to wrap my head around what it is like to be a bm with a sm in the picture… hard to do because I don’t have bio kids of my own. I was wondering if there are any bm’s out there who could explain this un-excepting behavior to me? I know some of it is jealousy on her part… none of which she has a right to be jealous about. Anything I have with my dh or sd has been established by commitment on our parts… me and dh’s house, family outings… vacations… to include emotional connections as well… girl talks, etc. She had the same opportunity to have all this before bm cheated on her husband (now my dh) 3 times and left him for another man… sorry… not my fault!
I know divorces happen for all sorts of reasons… but as a bm, when thinking about leaving your husband… like in the situation above… do you not consider the fact that when you go your separate way that your children will then have a 2nd mother figure in their life? I mean seriously, if you plan to divorce isn't this something to think about! Are you prepared to share your child with another woman? Your child may love their sm…they may just like her… they may hate her… but no matter what I believe a bm should be prepared to except sm whether she likes it or not. No one says bm has to “like” her or the idea… but a bm must be prepared to "except" it and do what’s right regardless of bm's personal feelings.
Am I wrong? Do I have this all mixed up?
2nd thought... who made the
2nd thought... who made the rule that it should be the sm or sd to "suck it up"... "do what's right"... "except how bm's / bd's or dh's family treats you"?? Seems like everyone I talk to thinks it's my responsibility as a sm to endure all this crap because bm isn't ready to except it... or sd wants it this way or that way. No one has ever said to my sd's bm what I just stated above... why the heck not?? I'm here because I love a man... bm is were she is because she choose to leave. Am I making any sense?? :O
thank you!!!! I mean...
thank you!!!! I mean... really? What makes these bm's think they are so entitled to treat us sm's like dirt because they made bad choices? Just erks the crap out of me!! My sd's bm divorced my now husband,. married the 3rd man she cheated on him with, divorced him, and then claimed she wanted my dh back (we were just starting to date at that time), all the while still talking to the guy she just divorced ANNNDD one of the guys she cheated on him with... OH and did I mention when she was married to who I will refer to as "cheater husband" she had step kids of her own!! So not only does she think she's entitled, hate me because she jealous, she should know exactly the position I am in as a sm because she WAS ONE!!! Wrap your head around that one! A past sm who can't treat a current sm with ANY respect or graditude. Grrrrrrrrr }:)
It is NOT your responsibility
It is NOT your responsibility to do A THING for sd!! YOu do not have to put up with that crap.
YOu need to leave EVERYTHING up to your dh to handle. He needs to deal with bm and if he can't help you with sd or be supportive about having his kid mind you he needs to handle his kid. You need to disengage! May not have to for a very long time i didn't have too, my dh saw the light after a few months and became a very supportive and wonderful father and husband. Sometimes it just takes you stepping back and letting them handle everything for them tom see what you are going through.
even though this was not my
even though this was not my original post i just wanted to say i appreciate it. its hard to disengage but you are right it is DH child or in my case children.
my dh has always supported
my dh has always supported the fact that sd should/will respect me and that I am an authority figure in the household. When sd was acting out in the very begining about not wanting me around and wanted her parents back together he told her "your mom cheated on me 3 TIMES! That is not going to happen, you must except that... he told sd he loved me... it's his life... his choice...if she didn't like it... well there's the door. Now after reading some posts I can tell you that he does kind of have that flawed opinion that I should just be able to treat my sd as my own, never give up on trying to love her because she doesn’t know what’s good for her… you know where they expect you to feel the same as they do… ANNND he does has a bad habit of letting me take on a lot of the mothering roles because he sucks at it and well I’m a girl lol. We were having a situation with sd one time and it had to do with us approaching her about ahhh sexual activity… he’s really bad about just turning a blind cheek to those types of things because he hates the idea of having to sit and struggle to communicate… he really does struggle with words! I got so frustrated that I flat out asked him what he would do if I wasn’t there… he kept saying…I don’t know… until finally I pressed him enough and he said “I’d probably call bm to handle it”. Then it all was perfectly clear to me… I told him I was the sm and him and bm the mom / dad… it should be them having these hard conversations, struggling, etc. and I should be the friend… he did not like that answer! It’s much easier for him to expect or hope I will take on the challenges of motherhood to a teenager than fight to communicate with his ex who also happens to be a horrible communicator. I have disengaged a lot recently... just hit a point where I was starting to resent my sd, and dh along with stupid bm. I'm not going to just stop caring, but I have left a lot of the responsibility up to my dh and encouraged him to be more of a parent.
Really the person my dh has a hard time handling is his EX... he HATES arguing and will avoid it at almost all costs!
Personally, we haven't had to
Personally, we haven't had to have any contact with BM for years - I have adult skids. But I sometimes go to this website to read for interest's sake (No-one's the Bitch!), based on a book co-written by a BM and SM who try to put their differences aside in a very honest manner. I think it gives a good perspective from the BM point of view. I feel that there's an overwhelming sense of "ownership" that the BM has towards their ex-husbands and, I know in my case, that was what seemed to motivate our BM to behave the way she did. I also believe that given that they agreed to or instigated the divorce, they should truly let their ex-husbands move on and should move on themselves, but their residual feelings influence how they act out and cause drama in our lives.
http://www.noonesthebitch.com/http:/2011/05/26/what-all-stepmoms-should-...
There are lots of interesting blogs on that website, but this one might be the most relevant to your question.
Dory.... THANK YOU for the
Dory.... THANK YOU for the website!!! I went to it and found some very helpful blogs. thank you, thank you, thank you!