New, young stepmom... and i really need help.
I met my fiance a little over a year ago when I was 26. He was hesitant to date me b/c he thought I may not be able to handle his situation. He has 2 children, a son who is 11 and a 9 year old daughter. I don’t want any children of my own but I love the family feeling I get from being with his kids. On our one year anniversary he proposed to me (I guess he saw how well I can actually handle his situation). He has been divorced for a little over 6 years now but his ex is still as crazy as she was when he divorced her…
My fiancé has primary custody. He has 5 days and she has 2 days a week. She was addicted to oxy, arrested several times for multiple charges, he put her through rehab 3 times during their marriage to try and save things. On the 3rd time she cheated on him with some guy in rehab. That was his final straw, he divorced her. 2 years ago she had him arrested for domestic abuse. While the kids were with him the cops came to get him. She had a bloody toe… She later dropped the charges once he had her drug tested to prove she was still taking the Oxy with no RX.
Now that I’m around, and she sees how much her kids love me and that they look at me like I’m their mom since I provide more support and stability than she does, it’s like she’s suddenly trying to win the Mom of the Year award. She owes my fiancé $500 a month in child support, which he has never once even asked her to pay and she hasn't ever paid it. My fiancé pays for everything, EVERYTHING!! If she takes them to the Dr she has them bill him for the $25 co-pay. She is useless. In the past 3 weeks I can count on 3 fingers how many days she has seen her son. Oh, yes, 3 times. She’s always SO sick or complaining about something but never so sick that she can’t hang out with her boyfriend.
I’m 27. I don’t want children but I LOVE my stepkids. I have had to sacrifice a lot b/c I love my man and his kids. It’s not even a sacrifice. I want to be with them and his kids want to be with me. I do not try and take away from her role as “mom.” She does that on her own. I am always respectful to her when I see her, I am always willing to give up my time to work around her schedule with kids. But I am beginning to grow bitter and I don’t want to be a bitter person.
She recently sent my fiancé a barrage of text messages about how he needs to communicate with her. Now, communication about the kids only, YES! But she wants to tell him about her feelings and what’s going on. No, b*tch, you got my future husband arrested, cheated on him and didn’t give two sh*ts about him or your kids when you’re running around taking drugs! She told him she shouldn’t have dropped the charges against him and wants to take him to court for more custody of the kids. She can barely handle the two days. I’m starting to hate her and everything has happened so fast between my fiancé and I. We’ll be married within 2 years of meeting each other. How do I deal with her? How do I not hate this woman? I can feel the hate just growing inside of me and it’s going to make me crazy. I am counting down the days till both the children are old enough that I never have to see or hear from her again except for at a wedding or something. It’s easier for my fiancé and I when I deal with her b/c I am straight forward with her. I know that even with my little experience of being a “mom” that I am leaps and bounds better than her.
I want to have a conversation with her. Is that a bad idea b/c I really feel like it would help me out.
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD IDEA. In
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD IDEA. In my opinion your asking for it with starting to communicate with her. She seems unstable and your husband should be the ONLY communicator with her. Just my opinion.
What is it that you think you would gain by this? There is nothing - you will regret it.
Stay away from the crazy. I
Stay away from the crazy. I learned the hard way dealing w my husband's noncustodial ex that the best contact w these women is NO contact.
So, it sounds like while I
So, it sounds like while I think I could be a reasonable person for her to deal with I shouldn't do it. I will limit my communication with her to things like "where should I drop the kids off?" when I have them.
SM1994... I did tell my fiance he needs to set down an exact schedule for the days he and she will have the kids so that there is no un-needed communication and he will also tell her to not text him to tell him about work or her boyfriend or for advice on the boat her bf wants to buy or about her rash she suddenly broke out in.
Yes. As reasonable as you
Yes. As reasonable as you are capable of being, if she isn't, this isn't going to go well.
He does have to be willing to control his amount of contact with her for the sake of protecting you & his children from the crazy. If she isn't willing to respect boundaries with texting & calling, etc, he needs to contact the police & file harrassment charges.
Certainly HE needs to communicate with her regarding the kids, but it sounds like that doesn't meet her communication requirements/demands.
If she still has issues with Oxy, why is she getting unsupervised visitation? Does your bf have concerns regarding their safety with her?
As another SM who has been whipped by BM with the olive branch I've extended far too many times, do not concern yourself with communicating with her, getting to know her, helping her get to know you better so she'll see you're not a bad person, etc.
Crazy is just that. Don't try to figure out why she behaves the way she does toward you guys. Don't try to help her see how good a person you are. Don't try to let her see how good you are to her children.
It's a waste of time. Crazy doesn't work the way normal does. Focus on your bf & his kids & making your future together the happiest you can make it.
Also, you mentioned that you can't wait until the kids are grown so you won't have to deal with her anymore. Please don't allow yourself to believe that she will go away when the kids are grown. She won't go anywhere. You may not have the same issues you deal with now, but I think something happens with crazies when they realize all these years they've had a tie to the ex & when the custody/visitation/CS is no longer an issue, they grasp for anything else to keep that contact.
She's been sober for about
She's been sober for about 14-15 months now (although at times we have had our doubts). He is always concerned when she has the kids. The kids have both our phone numbers and ipod touches to contact us whenever they need.
I love this. So helpful to
I love this. So helpful to my situation. Thank you!
take your time and get to
take your time and get to know him a little better. normal, amazing men don't get involved with women who are so messed up. what was up with him that he got involved with her and had two kids with her?
I will let you in on a little
I will let you in on a little secret, you are buying yourself a ticket for a ride on a roller coaster that never ends. Think carefully before you get on that ride.
I've been on the coaster for about 8 years now. I think 2 or 3 years in it really hit me that I will never have the life I had dreamed about. BM is/was an ever present source of frustration/annoyance/anger.
I too thought knew what I was getting into, you never really know.
I make a daily choice not to let the negative energy eat me alive. It really is a choice.
On bad days I hate her. I hate what she does to her kid. I hate what she does to my kid (previous marriage). I hate that nobody can control her ... including the courts.
On good days I pity her. I can't imagine going through life turning people off and not knowing why. She can't see it is her behavior that makes people avoid her so she blames us. She shoots herself in the foot all the time, she is her own worst enemy.
Now that the kid is older and we have limited communications with her (the order defines what is acceptable communications, we're on our 3 contempt filing on that issue) ... things are better. Quieter. Calmer. But, we're still counting the days till 18 so we can stop paying lawyers.
That's basically a very positive picture of what the next 9 years are going to look like for you. So, as I said, choose carefully.
We are almost practically in
We are almost practically in the same boat. I am 25 living with my boyfriend and his 3 children. He won primary custody shortly after we met. Sounds like your fiancées ex & my bfs ex are two peas in a pod. Literally reading your post, I thought I was reading about my boyfriends ex.
I'm the primary caretaker for the children. My bf works 60 hours a week and I chose to quit my job and stay home with his children. The closer we get the more jealous and hateful his ex gets. She keeps threatening to take him to court again because she doesn't want the kids with me. Mind you, she walked into court and said she only wanted them every other weekend. It was her decision.
For a while I stayed out of everything. I never spoke to her at All. Until she kept blowing up at my bf and trashing me. The hatred I had for her was consuming my life. I got physically ill any time we had to exchange the kids with her. The sight of her made me sick. Finally I got to a point where I thought if we had a civil adult conversation, for the sake of the kids and my sanity, it would get better. I was wrong. For about 2 months she only talked to me. Chose not to communicate with my bf, and did nothing but trash him to me. If your fiancées ex is anything like my bfs, and it sounds like they're twins, stay out of it. She's so unstable. One minute she's thanking me for being so good to her children and the next she is telling me to to F myself, leave her kids alone and stay out of everything. I've chosen to let my bf deal with her. She's not worth me getting upset. I have an amazing relationship with the kids, better than I could have asked for. At the end of the day, I tuck them into bed every night. I am their mom. She just gave birth to them and is sad and pathetic. The best thing you can do, is be happy. Have a wonderful life, as best you can while dealing with this, love your fiancée and love the kids. That's what I've decided to do.