Full Time Stepmom Needs Advise or Just a Vent
I am a full time stepmom to my DH's 14 year old daughter. Enough said. Her mom has nothing to do with her, but everytime she doesn't get her way here she wants to "go live with her mom." Yeah.. the same mom who doesn't speak to her. This time it was over a cell phone. She broke her phone because she wants an iphone. She's not due an upgrade so it was going to cost $500 to get her a phone. She had a kicking, screaming fit. She hates me! Her dad is no longer her dad! Blah blah blah. She is so spoiled. She is one of the teens who thinks the world revolves around her.
Needless to say she is grounded. She won't be getting a new phone for a long time, and of course, she is not speaking to us. I hate walking on egg shells around her. I feel so helpless. DH does all he can for her, but nothing is ever enough. I say she is way over induldged.. .. but I'm just the stepmom.
She shouldn't get a new phone
She shouldn't get a new phone right away no doubt about that and a child should never have an iphone. When you do decide to get her a new phone though if you have AT&T you can buy a (go phone) at walmart for like 35 bucks and it works with an AT&T sim card. When my husbands phone broke we just got him a go phone at walmart and it is a good phone but its simple. They have slightly more expensive ones to but if you just want her to have an emergancy phone and one to text on its perfect. You just have to open the back and put the AT&T sim card in under the battery. I don't know if other networks let you do that but it would be worth looking into to save some money.
When you get ready to replace
When you get ready to replace it go to Radio Shack and get one for 10/15 with the basics, which is all she needs.
I'm a custodial stepmom too.
I'm a custodial stepmom too. DH needs to get her into counseling. It sounds like SD has a lot of abandonment/unresolved issues regarding BM.
She's not getting any type of
She's not getting any type of phone for a very long time. We have a family councelor who seems to be on vaca when we need him most. No matter what she's mad about it's always my fault. I'm not the one who broke the phone, but it's my fault she can't get an expensive phone. This child does without nothing. She is on two cheer teams costing thousands of dollars a year. She goes all the time. We are just a middle class family with the same struggles as everyone else. My husband and I do without even basic necessities to accomodate this spoiled child. I'm at my wit's end.
When my SS14 packed a poo
When my SS14 packed a poo cause he got in trouble he said he wanted to go live with his Mum. DH had had enough and booked him a bus ticket for the very next day.
20 minutes before the bus left SS changed his mind. He knew he wouldnt get looked after at BM's house.
My personal take on teens
My personal take on teens with cellphones:
If it's absolutely necessary for her to have a cell phone, then I guess you could get her a used phone, but I would make her earn it. If it's something she uses to keep in contact with friends, since she broke hers (on purpose I assume?) I wouldn't even bother getting her another one. If she wants one, let her come up with the money for it and if she can't, oh well. She's proven to you that she isn't responsible enough to take care of the one that you did get her.
My 14yo SD is contantly brings up the cell phone issue. When she lived with BM, we gave her and SS one to call us on and she proceeded to send out over 100 texts in one day when the phone did not have a texting plan. She had to figure out a way to come up with the money to repay us and consequently lost any cell phone privledges. I will consider getting her one when she shows some responsibility, otherwise, I see no reason for it.
I have a couple of SDs just
I have a couple of SDs just slightly older than yours, and let me say that from my experience, their entire generation for the most part is over indulged, inpatient and self centered much more so than generations before them. But look at the different world they were brought into. Instant food, microwaves, explicit TV and radio, over exposure to sex, violence and death, most of their friends have ts in their rooms, a cell phone and ipod a laptop on and on and on. Most of us break our necks to shuttle them from one expensive activity the other, As my husband said the other day when we were discussing this, by our actions, by trying to keep them busy and out of trouble, we've over indulgged them and basically have taught them that the world actually does revolve around them. Our bad. I think that as soon as they can be allowed, 15 or `16...alll these kids should serve at least once at your local food kitchen and work a Habitat for Humanity project,...perhaps they will see that not everyone is as fortunate as they are.....not only because of what they have materially, but because they have a parent who cares enough about them to be looking for and asking for help...
So about the cell phone deal. Much as I hate to admit it, in today's world, it probably is a good idea for your teen to have some way to get ahold of you. Having said that, you have to set parameters. NO Iphones, that's overkill, unnecesssarily expensive and in my opinioon ridiculous to even consider for a teen. I don't care how much money the parents have. What we did was start with basic phones, and as they showed they could take care of them and follow our rules, we progressed up. Stil no internet service..they don't need that on their phone. If they mess up, they lose their privedge is suspened...period! Their Dad scours the bills monthly....if there is excessive texting, texting after hours or any use of those phones while grounded from them, they lose the phone for 2 weeks. We have one who has coincidently broken her phone when some new phone comes out or she just wants a new one, or her sister's contract is up and SHE gets an upgrade, We caught on quick to that deal. Now if anything happens to that phone, loss...breakage...anything before her contract is up, she pays half for a replacement. If she can't do that, no phone till she can.
I'd get her Dad's buy in on this of course, but the walking on egg shells around her. Nope. She is in control ot your home that way. I don't think so. I'd go on about my normal routine...if she wants to be part of the family great, if not...ok. And the threats to go to her bio Mom's,,,,,I'd tell her I understand,...how can I help her make the transition. ....
I don't find teens too complicated, but if they are so inclined and you let them rule.....rule they will. It's tough. Letting go in the ways you can, gradually so that they are allowed to grow up, but at the same time, keeping control of them for their own good and yours.
Good luck.....let us hear from you.
ps I have a blog goodstepmom.com I share some of my experiences as a SM of 3 teens.....might find a tidbit or two on there....