Sacrificing events
I got into tonight with my BF. He has his kids a fair amount of time and even goes to their events on his "off" nights during the week and days on the weekends. Well, he had his kids on Monday, Wednesday and Saturday this week and I planned events for us on Sunday to get things done (nothing glamorous- looking for a new apartment, errands, then a family BBQ, etc) and he tells me on Saturday night that his son won his little league baseball game that day and now has one on Sunday at 5pm- the ONLY weekend day we agreed we would have together- to get things done and just enjoy each others company. Well, noon rolls around on Sunday and he tells me he really wants to go to the little league game and he's sorry but he is going to go and skip out on our day we had planned. We really got into it- my argument was that he can't be in a relationship with someone if he is not willing to give up any of his kids events. He should have stayed miserable and married or just be SINGLE. It was his only off day on the weekend- he had them Saturday and will have them Monday (his son has games on BOTH of those days)- but no- I get the shaft on what was supposed to be our day. He tells me I am selfish and that his son needs his father and he is not willing to sacrifice going to his game.
I honestly don't know what to do- I basically said thanks for giving me a glimpse of my future with always coming second and not even being able to get one day together on the weekend. I am so frustrated and don't know what to do- I feel like I have had enough.
And just an FYI- his divorce is final next month and due to a crazy ex-wife I am not allowed to meet the kids until then which is why we couldn't go to the game together. He doesn't have a custody agreement for his separation which leads to a crazy schedule and a lot of headaches.
Am I being selfish? Is this something I can expect for my future every weekend even when he doesn't have the kids? I feel like I will always get the shaft and any event his kids have will always come before spending time with me doing regular stuff (his kids do a million activities so their BM has an excuse for being a stay at home mom). Ugh, I am so angry!
yes this is what you have to
yes this is what you have to look forward to. He's all about his kids. its selfish of him to be in a relationship if all he wants is someone to work around their schedule.
Its great that he is such a good and present dad, but it makes for a bad significant other. One day, he'll be alone because he will have no one but his kids, and they will have a life.
You know what to do, you just don't want to.
I am sorry, but I agree with
I am sorry, but I agree with your comment he should've stayed single. I think all these freaking people with kids from a previous marriage, that want to continue putting their kids first 100% of the time and always put their spouse second should have just stayed single. I think they are indeed selfish women and men who expect the world to cater to THEIR needs and those of THEIR kids. Yes, we knew they had kids...no problem with that. But honestly, NONE OF US had any idea that being married to someone with kids meant that we were treated like garbage, our needs always came last and the SKIDS ruled OUR time. So yes, I do believe that anyone who remarries with the expectation that their spouse should just put up with it should've stayed single or put up with the mistake they married or had kids with.
I appreciate your honesty
I appreciate your honesty ncmom- I don't have kids so maybe I don't get it. To me, it seems he wants the benefit of having his old life and family and going to all of his kids events like he always did, but without having to be miserable and married. I do feel like on his "off" days and weekends then he does need to sacrifice some of those events and can't constantly be going to baseball games and swim meets- where does that leave time for us? They do a MILLION events- they are involved in everything- so it makes it very time consuming. He has a great job, he works a lot and he has his kids 4 days a week in which we can't be together because of the ex-wife. It does make it VERY difficult- he does make time for me- but I feel like as soon as something better for his kids comes along (even on the days that our supposed to be ours) I get the shaft.
I am younger then him and we do want more kids- I am interested to know how things work for you- like I don't want to feel like a widow to his first borns while I am stuck at home with an infant and toddler. How do you balance that?
I don't agree with the statement that the kids should come first- I never have. I have seen too many marriages fail (like my BF's) because the mothers entire being was wrapped up in the kids and did nothing to make the relationship work. I am a firm believer that your significant other should come first, then your children. Maybe its because I don't have kids- but even my parents taught me this and they were amazing parents to me and my sisters.
He doesn't have to remain
He doesn't have to remain single because he wants to put his kids first. What he should do is find a woman who shares his views.
I don't think you're being
I don't think you're being selfish, but I do think you're seeing a glimps of the future. If you get this emotional about one day, you're going to have hell for a relationship if you stick with it. And if he can't put you first when he's "in love", just wait until you're the "old ball and chain". Walk away before this becomes your life.