Adult stepson ruining our home life and my husband has no guts
I have been with my husband for 5 yrs. He came with 2 kids (now 22 girl and 25 boy)and me with a 12 yr old. His son was living with him when we met and moved into the home with us when we married. After a few months the stepson moved out because we made him pay for his own groceries. I couldn't keep food in the house for the rest of us. He played the pity card with his mom and left his great job with a future and benefits to live with her and be sporadically employed. No rent with us or her. He is a slob...dirty. He moved back in with us last yr with the understanding that he would go to school, get a life, he has no friends and wont leave the house but for work. Only buys his own food when I physically babysit him through the store. He only helps out if his Dad forces him to and is constantly disrespectful of me, my daughter and our home. Everything he owns smells and is caked in grime. We have a VERY nice home in a VERY nice area. We have gotten him counseling, he stopped going, gotten him meds for his depression, won't take them, helped him with losing weight, you name it and we have helped him. Now realize there is nothing wrong with him, just excuses and that he is just lazy and feels entitled. My husband won't do anything from divorce guilt and I am left to be the bad guy in everything. He and his ex have left me to do their dirty work...fix their son. I am done and am barely speaking to him. My husband seems to think that this is fine to be like this in my own home. The SS is also engaging in things that are potentially harmful to him and that could cause dangerous issues in our home. We have confronted him about it and he just waited a few months and started up again. He thinks we don't know. I don't want to lose my marriage but it seems to be going that way. Oh, and his ex wife is still in love with my husband. He would NEVER go back to her so I don't worry about that but I am becoming more resentful everyday. HELP! I have literally tried everytjing. Lists, timelines, ignoring, helping, enabling, nice, nasty and NOTHING works! My patience is gone and the resentment is also because I have a child to raise and do not feel i should have the responsibility of caring for a grown man. He is not a baby but his parents treat him that way.
Dear SS, Well, the time has
Dear SS,
Well, the time has come. You have overstayed your welcome.
You are gone by Friday. Locks will be changed. No excuses. Find an apt and a job. Good luck to you.
Please don't make me call authorities.
SM
======
Dear DH
Yes, I put my foot down. If I don't I will be leaving you. Since I love you and would prefer not to divorce you, I decided to change what was causing our problems.
SS will be gone by Friday. Since you aren't doing anything, I am taking the upper hand. I'm willing to chance that you will leave me or hate me for it. Either way, we will divorce. I might as well try to do something first.
It up to you how you want to help your SS, but it won't be by having him live here anymore.
Signed,
Your DW
If only it was this easy.
If only it was this easy. Letters have been written. Counselors have told my husband that this could lead to us having problems if we don't face it together. He is NOT a weak man but in this instance he is. His philosophy is we have done everything we could do for him so now SS will have to deal with the consequences down the road. I see it as what consequences? He still lives here financially free, destroys our home, has no respect for us, never leaves the home and acts like an ass. He has no plans on moving out so what will his consequences be? None...he thinks he can live here free and easy until he is 50. I have mentioned apartments...but what will I do? Duh, get a life! I have mentioned making friends...but that would take effort. Mentioned how people ruin their lives playing video games for 12 plus hours a day and am met with life is so boring fantasy life is fun. What an imbicile. My husband is a smart, educated man but in this instance I am not sure what is going on and why he thinks it's "okay" to throw me and our daughter(she is his now) under his lazy sons bus!
Letters to either of them or threats don't work. they both sit there like look another person leaving me. My husband won't fight for us. he is living on another planet when it comes to his son. Total denial! He clams up and somehow it all becomes my fault...i am the bad guy. He never sticks up for me unless I make him. Thanks for the suggestion if only it would work.
My point is if you are
My point is if you are heading down the road to splitting up, just take the bull by the horns and don't let yourself be tortured anymore. You don't need your husband to back you in kicking someone out of your house. If husband goes against you, he should go too. It sounds like you could chance splitting whether you do this or not, so why not just go for it.
He isn't a renter, he isn't a homeowner, he has no rights there. get boxes, pack his stuff, put it outside and tell him good luck. Change the locks. its mean, but it gets the job done. SS has been coddled. Not your problem. I bet you have someone who would come help? If you are threatened, call police.
Otherwise, you are stuck with SS and you hate DH anyway, wouldn't you prefer to have it on your own terms instead of doing nothing?
Threats don't work because they aren't followed through. Follow through.
I feel for you, really. Im
I feel for you, really. Im in a similar situation and I feel like my husband WONT do what he needs to do to protect us from my entitled, self-centered, spoiled, arrogant ass bratty stepson and his wife and child. I really dont want to take it out on anyone, but I'm at the point where i cant even play/bond with the baby bcause I'm so resentful at these manipulative assholes. My husband is just riding out the time till my SS goes to the Air Force in late May, i cant wait. but what i fear, are the resentments I have piled up over this situation.....what to DH and i do then? ...DH acting like a freaking ostrich with his head in the sand, or up his butt..meanwhile, I'm stressed, not sleeping properly, not eating, and neurotic. I want to let things go, but its soo hard when i come home and this mo'fo is sitting in my beautiful basement playing videogames like a pre-teen. Im just tooot frustrated! I am ALWAYS the bad guy- my step son told me I'm anal retentive about cleaning and that since I harp on it so much, i should be thanking him for his improved cleaning habits, i should be thanking him for washing his dishes and mine for that matter, i should be thanking him for cleaning the basement because he needs positive reinforcement...whaaaat?????....I need to thank you for cleaning up behind yourself???really??? I'm just so exasparated....
I am going through something
I am going through something similar with SS21 - has spend the last year in rehab and dealing with is bi-polar issues. Was living in a sober living house until he recently announced he was moving back - with no plan. My DH told him we would do what he could be basically do not rely on me - need to figure out yourself. BM wants us to get him an apartment, a car and pay for him to go back to school - because he is all better and has been through the 12 steps. Of course we do not believe either one of them.
My DH is prepared to let him live in a shelter. SS21 therapist confirmed there is no reason he cannot hold job - just one excuse after another.
This is not about money - this is about skids standing on their own two feet. SS21 will not longer manipulate us with the BS abandonment issues.
I refuse to see him when he gets back. Making it clear that until he gets his act together I am done. We have been down this road time and time again - give an inch takes a mile. Not this time.
Your SS needs to go.
Secondclass, I too have
Secondclass, I too have walked in your frustrated shoes. If DH isn't willing to listen to you and set his son straight and make him an accountable adult, you may have no other choice except to leave your situation . . that or continue to grow more resentment and miserable and life is much too short for that. You have to get DH on the same page to see he's enabling his son and not doing him any favors.
I moved in w/DH and SD against my better judgement, but DH wanted us to bond. Never happened. I thought SD was kind, pleasant and loving. I found out she was lazy, a slob, rude, mean spirited had a negative disposition and a sense of entitlment. Her plan was to finish school, get a job and get a place. She finished school, pretended to look for work for a year, finally found work then changed her plans to wanting to save for a home (another 3-4 years). I couldn't stand being in the same room with her. And my health was starting to suffer.
After SD got a job, I had a long talk w/DH and set down my set of new rules. First off, SD had to pay real rent . .not a pittance . . every month . .not when she felt like it. We were not going to carry all the bills while she went on shopping sprees. Second, she had to buy her own food and stop mooching off us. I also put an end to DH asking her if she wanted us to bring her something back for dinner when we went out, or picking up her favorite treat at the store. She's a working adult, and has a car, so she can pick up her own dinner/treats. Finally she has to clean up behind herself.
I convinced DH that he was hurting her by enabling her. Once she embarrased DH by calling him at a business meeting to ask him where the can opener was. So DH began to see how his enabling had damaged her.
DH didn't want to give her a move out date because he didn't want to hurt her feelings, so I told him if she was still here in a year I was leaving (that would give me time to save and prep). Then I went away to my sister's for the weekend to put something on his mind.
After I got back DH was a different man because he was afraid I wasn't coming back. Since then, he's done a complete 360 regarding SD. Fortunately she's getting married next year and will be moving out. Soon she will be someone elses problem. Now things are tolerable and life is much better. And for the record, SD will turn 28 in a few months. If SD wasn't getting married or if plans don't work out, I'm prepared to leave my DH. I signed on to live with him not a nightmarish adult SD.
Good luck.
I fell
Your pain currently going through this myself,A grown man of 28 still living with us and his two primary school younger siblings ,No aspects of getting a job never helps around the house,Wakes up late eats us out of house and home,Stinks like crap,Can't even clean his room,Really taking its toll on me and his mother,Getting to the stage I can't do it anymore ,I want to enjoy family live without having a big healthy man child living with us