I just feel like I am seeing a theme here on the boards and I have seen it in my dh as well. Is there some sort of genetic meaning to this? Was it addressed in Stepmonster? I dont remember.

My ss is 13 and dh's firstborn. I have two bios with my first dh. They are 13 and 11-he has been in there life since they were 9 months and 2. Their father is deceased so they view my dh as their father and he is definitely bonded to them. Then we have one dd9 together. My dh is a good man, truly, but often clueless. He has seemed almost obsessed at times over his son (although unwiling to actually put forth effort to parent him without guilt).

An example-my two oldest kids get Social Security Survivors Benefits from their father-while this goes to ensure them a nice life and such the money goes into the general pot. My dh was hurt in Iraq and got social security disability last year. He got backpay from the time he was injured and we got a sizable lump sum-two of the lumps were for his son and our dd9. Teh money for ss went to bm since she had physical custody of ss. She got 6000.00 tax free income. She, in an amazing moment of glory, agreed to give us back 2000.00 of it-but did tell us she intended to spend 0 of the 4000 on ss and she expected dh to spend the 2000.00 on things he needed. Ok-whatever. Well, dh immediately volunteers to bm and ss that he will buy ss a computer and a cell phone. He tells me this after the fact. I'm like,excuse me? Why would you say that? His justifiction was that bm expected him to spend the money on ss and that it was technically for ss and he felt like he should get some things out of it. I reminded him that we got the full 6000.00 for our dd and he hadnt said anything about getting her a darn thing. It went in our savings account. Then I reminded him that the amount that my two have collected over the last 10 years far exceeded 2000.00 and yet we did not go out and buy them a computer or cell phones. (although they did have cell phones that they bought themselves with money they saved and they paid for the first 3 months of service). We had also already bought ss a cell phone which he lost after a few months. We paid for it outright and paid for the montly fee as long as he had it-although he never called us and bm was the one who used it for the most part. When I brought this up to him that it was hardly fair to take the social security money and spend it on fun things for ss while the other kids get nothing-despite the fact that they all have received more money than him. He seemed dumbfounded by this information, but did agree. He ended up buying nothing more for ss than we bought for the other kids (clothes, etc, things we would likely buy anyway).

MY point is that he rolled on this easily enough-said he just didnt really think it thru just said the first thing that came to his mind when bm told him she expected him to buy ss some things he needed. I just dont get it-I think of all my kids-not just my first bio. He thought of purchasing things for ss, but not for his dd? I could even understand if he didnt think of my two bios (who he will be adopting at some point), but his own dd? Likewise, when he was in Iraq, his mom drove 6 hours every weekend to visit with ss but saw my 3 kids (we live 15 minutes away)maybe twice in that time. I had to repeatedly bring it to dh's attention before he understand that it was wrong of her only to be paying attention to ss (who made sure-despite the limited amount that he spoke to us-that the other kids knew he was staying there eowe and getting money, fun trips, etc)He felt it was ok for his mom just to get ss-so that ss could continue to have some connection with his side of the family. Um, duh? My kids, and our kid, doesnt need the same thing? Well, she felt sorry for him because his dad is away. Um, again, duh? The rest of the kids father is away as well. Again, once he fully grasped that this hurt the other kids-he told his mom to take all of them, alternate them, or dont take any of them. She chose not to take any of the kids.

My kids can also not get anything that ss does not. My dd graduated elementary school last year. They have a ceremony and everything. My ss is in the same grade, different school. They do not have an elementary graduation, but one after middle school. When we attended my dd's graduation we got her a card and 25.00 (not exactly over the top gifts)and his first reaction was "Shouldnt ss get something too?" I said, "IDK-did he graduate?" In his school they dont even end elementary at 6th grade, but rather 5th_I suggested to him when he has a graduation ceremony in 8th grade then it would be appropiraite to get a gift then. By the way, for all his focus on ss-he didnt even know when he graduated. In the past, I've bought my ds basketball shoes as he was playing basketball. We have to get ss basketball shoes too even though he's not playing basketball-however we dont get either of the girls new shoes.

Reading others' stories seems to confirm the same. They are so focused on their firstborns that they are ignoring their new borns or other children. Is there some genetic basis for it? I dont think my dh is trying to be difficult-he usually sees the wisdom in what I am saying (sometimes quicker than other)and goes with it-but why do I have to say anything? Why doesnt he see these things on his own? Anybody have any theories?