Do they seriously expect me to love my SD like my own daughter
DH and I had an argument yesterday over something unrelated to SD and his nutty parents, but somehow we got on that topic. He came out with saying I needed to stop pissing off his parents and they said that "I need to act more like a mother to SD" and not treat her any different than the baby I am currently 7mths pregnant with.
Excuse me? She is not my kid, how on God's green earth can they rationally expect me to love and feel the same for her as I do towards my own biological child? I told DH this, I can tell they have really been on him lately bc some of the crap he said yesterday would not be stuff he'd come up with on his own.
They are talking about dressing SD and my baby girl up in matching outfits, well I didn't act over the moon excited enough I suppose bc they are pissed off over that as well and DH even said "That since our baby isn't born yet that SD is #1 for now". He said he didn't mean it later, and that he is just stressed over all this bitching back and forth, plus his cow of a mother just had a minor stroke so I think he is feeling guilty and wanting to please her now more than ever. He only sees SD like once every 2 wks or so, I just think I suppose that he is saying some of this stuff out of guilt trips laid on him by his nutty parents. Do you agree? They make me sooooo beyond mad, they have always treated him like crap and now that he is happy and doing great with me and we are having our own family it is driving them nuts!
"I need to act more like a
"I need to act more like a mother to SD"
Horsepucky. You don't "need" to do anything.
>>They are talking about dressing SD and my baby girl up in matching outfits<<
Oh dear.
Look, jlmx2 many of us on
Look, jlmx2 many of us on here have been accused of playing "favorites"-when this is not even applicable. Loving your own child and enjoying the bond that exists is not playing "favorites". She is not treating her baby better than sd as the baby is still inside her and sd is only seen every 2 weeks. It's ridiculous.
It also seems to me that it is her dh and the inlaws that are playing favorites. Making a big to do over sd but not much mention of the baby to come. Hmmm, perhaps they should look at how they are treating the op and her unborn child.
I've been there and done that. My inlaws once told my dh that they were disappointed in me because I didnt enjoy my ss's visits more. Umm, he steals my panties and bras, devised a plot to murder my son, and either completely ignores me or screams at me. Oh, yeah, like I am going to enjoy that.
To me a major issue with stepfamilies is that so many DO push for the stepparent to treat the stepchild exactly like their bios. NO, no, no. Completely wrong. Most of these kids dont want to "bond" like that with us-they already have a bond with their own mother and if we would just back off a nice, caring relationship could develop naturally. A stepmother/stepchild relationship is not supposed to be exactly like a mother/child relationship and it is ok that it is not. There's nothing wrong with that. When we try to replicate that we make the child feel guilty for having those feelings for another mother and often cause them to resent us and push us away.
What you must do is treat your sd with respect, kindness. You don't have to love her like your own, you dont' have to dress her like your child, you dont have to have a relationship with her on your inlaws and dh's terms. Just be kind and caring and hope that someday that is returned.
No not touchy-it's just that
No not touchy-it's just that many of us smom's are accused of all sorts of asinine things and I think it stinks when we come here and "one of our own" accuses us of the same thing. If she wanted that she could just go hang out with the inlaws and dh some more.
Amen. Thank you! I agree
Amen. Thank you! I agree with what you said so much, they push and push me, not so much DH but his parents. Lately since I don't talk to them more than I have to, they are now calling and getting on DH about me behind my back. They don't seem to realize that the more they push and prod the more it makes me resent the whole situation! I don't know why they don't see that and why they seem to resent the fact that my DH and I are happy and having a family, and are trying to stir up resentment.
I know exactly where your
I know exactly where your coming from I am 4 months pregnant right now with my first and my bf has two kids that I just can't bring myself to love they drive me insane more then anything and I know I will love my baby unconditionally...so what I have to say is I guess try to be nice to SD don't need to 'act' or anything just have mutual respect with one another...my baby will always come first! As I would imagine yours will....don't let it tear your family apart u don't need to love her just be respectful towards eachother....does she respect you or is she a tough one to handle?
"If she "acts" like she cares
"If she "acts" like she cares about the SD, then it's less likely to create problems in the home."
Do you know how exhausting it is to try and "act" like you care about someone you really don't "care" for? I think that's part of the problem with "blending a family" - making everyone else feel like they "have" to feel a certain way. We had this issue with my family - my BD and DH didn't blend well. I had to tell them both "you don't have to like each other. you don't have to love one another. but you do have to respect each other and learn to live alongside one another because that's just the way it is and we're not going to live in a house divided" - and that worked. They were able to forge a relationship on their OWN terms without me standing there ordering either of them to "act like" they cared because that's not going to foster anything.
I get what you're saying
I get what you're saying (even without the sarcasm!) and I agree that accountability can be part of the solution, however I was just sharing that I don't think it's as simple as "hey, if you act like you care then things will be better" because you can act like you care about a skid all you want and that won't do a THING to change their behavior or the situation.
I actually DID care for many
I actually DID care for many years-no pretending necessary and it still turned out horribly!
Same. I cared in the
Same. I cared in the beginning. It was met with hateful words to DH about DD15 and me. They make it so easy to stop caring. So freeing.
I think the only thing you
I think the only thing you can do if you don't like your SD (which is me) is to be courteous, help SO when asked (as long as its reasonable and he's not taking advantage) and ignore the rest of it. You are not acting then, you are be respectful to another human being.
If it is so exhausting to try
If it is so exhausting to try and "act" like you care and you really don't, then maybe you shouldn't be in that situation to begin with. As an adult it's your job to take care of the kids in the family no matter who they belong to, that is part of being a parent. It's unfair for kids to be in a home where they feel or are actually treated differently because they have no control of the situation. If being a step-parent isn't something you care to do then maybe you made the wrong coice to start. Maybe you are really just angry with yourself for getting into a situation you don't like. Or, maybe I guess since the child can't control the situation and you don't feel like making the effort to, then maybe it was the DH that made the wrong choice.
What kind of SM are you? All
What kind of SM are you? All children need love and attention from those around them. "If she "acts" like she cares about the SD, then it's less likely to create problems in the home." Thats so twisted.
jlmx2 I think your being a
jlmx2 I think your being a little paranoid but I don’t like your posts, I think your a crappy SM so I comment :jawdrop: . I also comment on other peoples posts so do you think I am I following them too?? lol
hismineandours, I couldn't
hismineandours, I couldn't agree with you more.
HMO I agree but I want to add
HMO I agree but I want to add something here is that everyone 'says' they want step parents to treat their step kids like their own and love them like their own but when it comes right now to it all they want is for the step parent to dote over the step kids and NOT make them mind. IF skids were mine I would have made for darn sure that they got in trouble for a lot of things they have done. But NO I couldn't do anything but sit there and watch them get by a lot of crap that my kids would never dream of getting by with. That is the problem that they say they want us to treat them like our own but that is SOOO wrong!
You hit the nail on the head!
You hit the nail on the head! The really funny part is that when DH was growing up his parents were on him constantly for nothing, yet SD can mouth off, blantantly ignore people, and basically do whatever she damn well pleases and the IL's think it's "cute" or that she's just joking.
I don't think you need to act
I don't think you need to act like a mother to SD. Let her grandmothers do that as her BM is not doing her job. You do need to be kind and polite to her. Try to remember that she's not responsible for BM's mistakes, and that she will only change her behavor at 3 years old if her grandparents make changes for the better in how they raise her.
Have you ever thought about family counseling with DH, SD, her grandparents and your in-laws?
No I haven't I am just done
No I haven't I am just done with his family. I feel they are intentionally trying to cause problems at this point. I am never cruel or hateful towards SD, I just don't turn backflips for her like they all do. She ignores me too, DH even acknowledges she doesn't behave like a normal kid. If you try to show her affection she yanks away, she is very standoffish and not a happy bubbly kid, she makes you not WANT to be around her.
To elaborate more on his parents tho, why I am boiling over the way they are towards me and my 'attitude' if I am talking about my baby or my pregnancy it's like it kills them and them always relate or steer the conversation back to SD. I get that this isn't their first grandchild so maybe to them she isn't as special as their beloved SD is, but she is MY first baby and I feel like they should respect that and let me enjoy the moment a little bit. The outfit thing is just more example, it's like they are looking at her as a mini SD, they talk and say that they think she will look like her, etc, etc and the matching outfits is just one more example to me. DH told me in the midst of our argument that his dad was about to quote "tell me off" the week before, but that he didn't bc he knew my DH would get angry.
"tell you off" about what?
"tell you off" about what?
Because when MIL said she
Because when MIL said she couldn't wait to 'dress them up in identical dresses for next Easter' I just said 'Oh I was planning on picking out something for LO on my own'. I didn't think that was unreasonable of me to want to dress my own child for her first Easter but apparently me saying that was offensive to them and a direct slam towards SD. :?
Like I said I'm pretty DONE with them. It truly amazes me that both my DH and his sister are normal with such wack job parents.
Good grief, what drama
Good grief, what drama queens. What a sorry existence to want to tell someone off for how they dress their child for Easter. Seriously, tell you off?!?! Nutso!! It's so strange they think they have a voice in your decisions. Crazy!
Good for you for staying away from them from now on!
My ex-MIL used to dress my DD
My ex-MIL used to dress my DD and her other grand-daughter in matching outfits. I finally put a stop to it. It seemed she would intentionally pick outfits that looked cute on the older grand daugter and attrocious on my daughter (on a side note, she obviously favored the older granddaughter). When she asked me why I wouldn't let her anymore, I told her that people who like to put kids or grandkids in matching outfits and think it's cute have more money than brains.
"When she asked me why I
"When she asked me why I wouldn't let her anymore, I told her that people who like to put kids or grandkids in matching outfits and think it's cute have more money than brains"
LOVE THIS!
Even if she gets the matching outfits there is no way in H-E double hockey sticks my LO is wearing them. MIL has horrendous taste, she likes the super cutesty frou frou outfits that I can't stand.
What is with the matching
What is with the matching outfit thing!? I have ALL girls at home varying in ages but I wouldn't DREAM of dressing them in "matching outfits". I'm not knocking those that do, but my gosh it's nauseating to me. I don't understand it. MIL seems to get a massive "high" off dressing BD5 and SD8 in matching outfits and yes it's always something terribly tacky that she thinks looks "great" on SD8 but nevermind the fact that it looks completely stupid on my child. I don't do character clothing either and MIL can't seem to grasp that concept either. She still wants to dress SD8 in Dora every chance she gets. I freaking HATE this!! I've noticed that BM loooooves to dress SD8 and her step-sister (BM's SD) in matching clothes all the time, too! They're a few months apart but are almost 8 so it looks really, really stupid!
I don't know. . . What I do
I don't know. . .
What I do know is that now that I have another little girl coming, I've discovered my DD9 thinks it's a marvelous idea. *sigh* I do so hate to back pedal.
On a positive note, I don't
On a positive note, I don't think it'll last long since, as memory serves, my own excitement about *my* little sibs waned pretty quickly after they were born.
That's another thing! The
That's another thing! The passing down! I completely get the idea behind it and sure, I'm saving some of BD5's clothing for BD1 when she's older (actually have been saving them for almost 2-3 years now) so I'm all for it, but I also plan to BUY BD1 clothing in addition to having her wear her sister's old clothes.
My DH and MIL were under the strict impression that BD5 needed NOTHING new when she was born because "we already have everything from when SD was born so she doesn't need anything at all" - what the hell? That was a HUGE fight on my hands for the longest time. Besides - everything that SD had was tacky and nasty crap that I wouldn't dream of putting my kids in! Even to this day, I kindly decline SD's "hand-me-downs" from MIL because they're just NASTY GROSS and MIL gets pissed.
"I think that's probably a
"I think that's probably a common dynamic. For several years, it was like my MIL was compelled to bring up my SD's when we were talking about our own kids. She was determined to make sure they were remembered or carried an even amount of significance. Nobody forgot about them, but I certainly got sick of her always having a pushy agenda."
You too? My MIL threw a massive fit at my BD's birthday party when she was 8 (SD was 3) because I held her party at a place that had nothing for SD to do. Let's see - it wasn't a party for SD it was a party for my BD!! She never misses a moment to interject something about SD anytime she's in my presence because it does seem very much like she's afraid SD has been forgotten. I've gotten to the point that I've actually told my MIL "Ok, teamSD...it's not a competition and there is no need to see how often you can compare the children" - even when we would be talking about how much my bios look like Dad...MIL always had to interject just how much SD looks like Dad - even though she's a carbon copy of BM.
I agree you do not need to do
I agree you do not need to do anything she is not your kid and them expecting you to love her like your own is BS! Even my dh knows that, he told me once that he gets it that why I am not closer to his kids as they have a mom. plus skids are not going to love their SM like their mom either it is a 2 way street! I doubt that your sd loves or treats you like you are her BM! If your dh wants that kind of relationship then he needs to make sure his dd is treating you with all the respect he wants you to give her. Even with that neither of you are going to ever have the same bond as if you 2 were real mother and daughter only b/c she still has her bms family in the pic and maybe even her bm.
You will never love your skid
You will never love your skid like your bio, and for anyone to expect you to is ridiculous. You can care for her, treat her fairly and even love her. But never will you feel the same as you do for your bio. That is just human nature. There is no bond like one between mother and child. Anyone who expects anything else is unfair to you.
When DD was first born, skid#1 asked if I loved her as much as I loved the new baby. I explained that love is different between different people. I asked her if she loved her stepfather just like her Dad, or me like her BM? I told her that there was enough love to go around because love is not divided when there are more people in a family, it is multiplied.
oh my! PLEASE PLEASE dont
oh my! PLEASE PLEASE dont live the H3LL I have endured the past 10+ yrs with the MIL and SIL judging ME over my SD13!!!!!! SD13 has issues that have NOTHING to do with me (dx by psych drs) and STILL I am "the problem" because I "dont hug SD as much as I hug BD's at family gatherings" and although I have strived VERY hard to treat SD13 with love and respect NO ONE ever "sees" that!!!!!!!!! ALL they "see" is that I am an unfit StepMom because SD13 has psych issues/acts out/disrespectful and blames all her wowes on her stepmom having rules and expectations of her just like I have of my own BDs!!! (none of them "see" that SD13 treats me! They turn a blind eye to how SD13 treats ME like an enemy no better than DIRT much less a mom! wont speak, lies and is very disrespectful to me AND her dad!) I hope that you will have the ability to take advice early on and seek professional help before it gets worse! IF I knew then what I know now I would have done things very differently......Not saying I wouldnt have married DH but I would have marked my place in this family as the STEP Parent who is MARRIED to the DH and who is willing to coparent a kid with issues....Not a door mat and the person to blame everything on...that I deserve respect for WILLINGLY accepting such a big role and I would have made DH set guide lines together with me over acceptable treatment of ALL of our kids in the house and that would have been the "Family Bible of Respect" that we ALL lived under....I would have also demanded that DH give me the Step Parent "Legs" to stand on in his absence and I would have Demanded that DH PARENT his own child (real parenting not guilty parenting in fear of the psycho ex) and not dump it all on me to later get sucked into his own DD drama when she isnt getting her way! I wish you the best because YOU my dear are in very much the same situation that I am/was in...but I was too dumb to think that I could just treat SD13 the same/love her like my child/parent her like I have my own and everyone else would support me and my efforts.......it doesnt seem to ever work out that way....now I am trying to take MY life back and put the parenting on DH.....but now all I hear is everything I have done "WRONG" and NOTHING that I have ever done right! UGH!
Good luck.....there are several good books out there to read...get them now before it is too late
Good luck on your blessing of a new baby girl....enjoy it! It is your right! She is should be looked at like the blessing that she is...wish InLaws could see and enjoy that....
I can honestly say I never
I can honestly say I never felt any love for my SD15 and she's the reason I'm moving out. Loving a SD/SS is like being told to love someone you have nothing in common with and I personally am not that good of an actor and don't want to be.
I agree to some extent . . .
I agree to some extent . . . or she could do it herself. She is an adult, right? If they don't treat her with the respect another adult deserves, then she doesn't have to go see them. And seeing as how newborns tend to hang more with mom than dad, well, they'd be tying their own noose.
Oh that’s just horrible. If
Oh that’s just horrible. If you asked me that question I wouldn’t answer it because you wouldn’t know until it happened and for someone to answer that beforehand I would suggest they do not love that child.
A step parent’s love for a step child will always be different to a Bio but not always to the point where they don’t love them as much... it’s just different.
I think her husband probably does need to say something to his parents. She is really in no state to be having this kind of conflict with the in-laws whist she is pregnant.
Well I hadn't given it a
Well I hadn't given it a second thought till I went through this again to see other posts but I guess once I have my own I will get back to you with the answer.
That's ridiculous. Just
That's ridiculous. Just because you married her father, does NOT mean that you are supposed to just fall in love with SD or that she's supposed to love you. Society expects a lot from stepparents and the truth is, loving a stepchild is not something that can happen right away. That relationship needs to be built. It is NOT the same as the attachment that you have toward your own biological child. A lot of stepparents don't even live with their stepchild the majority of the time or have much of a say in how they turn out. I am very good to my SD, but I don't love her the way I love my biological children. Yup, I said it. Sometimes I have to remind myself to give her affection. She has two parents, and I am not "mom" and she knows that. I don't see how anyone could expect me to feel the same way toward her as I do my own children. All I can do is take good care of her and make her feel like a member of this family while she's here.
I think it's very odd that your DH and his family are already pulling this crap and your child isn't even here yet. They're already up in arms over you treating your bio kid "different" than your SD. My DH wouldn't dream of saying something like that to me, and I'm 30 weeks pg right now. He knows what would happen if he did.
I think that it does step
I think that it does step kids a disservice when their Grandparents or bio parents get all sensitive and hurt when the step parent doesn't love them as much or treat them the same. Then the kids think there's something wrong. Kids don't get jealous or hurt every time they see an adult pay attention/give affection to another child. They don't get hurt when their Aunt (for example) gives more love and attention to their cousin. Without someone putting a bug in their ear that the step parent SHOULD love them as much/give them as much attention, it would never occur to them. What they want is love and attention from their bio parent when they are in the household. Whoever thinks that it is possible or desirable to "act" like everything is equal is living in a fantasy world, imho.
UGH! My mother used to dress
UGH! My mother used to dress me and my six years my junior sister up in the same outfits. . . HATED IT and we're bios (although you couldn't tell; two more opposite people have never been born)
Get the book "Stepmonster" and have DH read it STAT!
When my bio son was born, MIL
When my bio son was born, MIL was so upset that my SS, her fair haired grandson, the poor, poor child of divorce, might possibly miss 20 seconds in the spotlight, that she actually said, when I gave her a picture of my son, that she was going to put it in a double frame with a pic of SS, so everyone would know they were brothers. Now, she already had several grandchildren who were siblings, and none of their pictures were displayed in double frames. Each kid got their picture displayed on their own. I wanted to choke her! Lucky for me, she is the worlds worst procrastinator, so she never got around to buying that double frame!
"Do they seriously expect me
"Do they seriously expect me to love my SD like my own daughter"
Of course not, they expect you to revere, cherish, honor, obey, play doormat, coddle and worship SD above all others.....
Whatever you do for/with BD, you are expected to do 3 times as much for SD....so she feels accepted and loved, for Pete's sake!