Newbie - Why did I become a step-dad
I have been married now almost 7 years any my step-son is 11. His father is involved, however he chooses when to be a parent. His dad has no respect for others including my wife and our step-son is following in his footsteps. Our step son has trouble in school respecting his teachers, listening, and completing his homework. The last year his bf has been over the road driving and is rarely home so my step son has not seen him often which has caused more problems. My step son is spoiled he has a computer, i-pod touch, wii, x-box and so on. He had a cell phone which only lasted about a month but we took it away last summer. We often take away things when he misbehaves or is late on his homework. Yesterday his dad buys him a cell phone which we have made clear we do not want him to have. He then goes on to tell stepson and my wife that we are not allowed to take away his cell phone because he deserves the right to talk to his son when he wants because he pays child support. Of course we are not ok with this and it became this big argument and he tells us we need to quit taking away his stuff because it does not work. He also went on to say our parenting style is the problem and how he is just being a normal 11 year old boy and we expect to much out of him. He was yelling and swearing at my wife all along our son was there listening and calling us both names as our son is listening to this. We tried telling him that he can parent how he wants at his house and if he wants him to have a cell phone he can have it at his house. We have a house phone and have never stopped them from talking. I feel out of control. We told our step son he could not have a phone and now his dad is buying one for him. This is also causing problems between my wife and I as she does not like to argue with his father so she would just like to leave it alone and allow him to have the phone. I know it's just a phone but to me this is a big deal that he should have talked to us about first. What will it be next a car or a gun? There are many days I wonder why did I become a step-dad. I am the one providing, putting a roof over his head, giving him rides to school, taking him on vacation with us, having to parent him and for what so he can disrespect me and call me names. I am so frustrated. I always look like the bad guy even though I am just trying my best. We mentioned counseling to his father and he thinks we are the ones needing counseling. I don't know what to do. We also have a 5 year old daughter together which is why I am still here. I love my wife, but I am really unhappy with this lifestyle.
I like to call these parents
I like to call these parents such as your SS11's father and anti-parent. They don't parent in fact, but they love to wield the parent card and wave it around to gratify their own selfish desires.
Discipline is a healthy part of being a parent. Often the thing lacking in blended families, along with boundaries. You are trying to be a good parent and provide not only material comforts but a safe and nurturing environment for a child that is not your responsibility. It is a thankless job most of the time. But is is vital to rearing emotionally healthy children.
Your SS is old enough to know that you are trying to do what is best for him. He is also old enough to know the difference between right and wrong. We owe it to our children to teach them that their actions equal reactions and consequences. Not only to themselves, but others as well. Do not allow him to manipulate the situation, it will only get worse over time.
My own SS7 went missing two days in a row because his biological mother and father refuse to discipline him. Their own volatile relationship provides a great arena for him to manipulate and misbehave. It is utter madness.
I can understand your wife is trying to have as little to do with her ex. She has to be respectful of you too however. It is not as if you are begrudging you SS anything but he has to be responsible. He can still talk on the home phone to his bio father if he wishes. His bio father has no right whatsoever to demand you cater to his whims, especially as you are really the custodial parents.
There are no easy answers as to how to deal with the bio dad. I wish there were. But I think if you feel a need for counseling then you should do it.
Love isn't something you buy, it is something you teach and learn.
unfortunately, a lot of this
unfortunately, a lot of this is going to fall on your wife. she has to stand up to her ex and clearly state that whatever happens in your home is your business. your home=your rules. bio dad has no say so as to what's happening in your house. counseling for the two of you might be a good idea to help you stay on the same page. otherwise...you'll end up the scapegoat/bad guy for wanting to enforce the normal rules of a household. its a tough situation...good luck.
I am sure most of us on this
I am sure most of us on this forum asks ourselves the same question. I know I do everyday in the last 4 years! We would not get a cell phone for my SD15 unless she gets a job to pay for it but here comes the BM and bought one for her to piss us off. It's important that you and your wife are on the same page and support one another in raising your son. My DH and I have different parenting skills and had to seek counseling. It did help. Is there anyway you can communicate to the bio dad via email or txts only rather than having to talk to him? Just so you know, you are not alone in this. Do what you need to do for yourself to keep somehow 'sane' and good luck.
As a fellow step-father, I
As a fellow step-father, I feel your pain. SD17's perfect bio-daddy is definitely an "anti-parent." He sees her 2 days a month and a few weeks in the summer, and does no meaningful parenting. However, that doesn't stop him from doing everything in his power use SD17 to irritate us. He got her a cell phone, which has caused a lot of problems. If SD17 doesn't call him enough, he will call her, ream her out, and get her very upset. Guess who gets to deal with that? Us, of course. Also, SD17 loses things all the time, so guess what again? She has lost 4 different phones over the last 2 years, and we have spent countless hours looking for them for her. These are just a couple of examples of his inflammatory behavior over the years.
At the end of the day, being a step-father is a shitty job. It is **utterly** thankless, unless you have been lucky enough to come into a situation where bio-dad is not around, and you get actually be a real parent. For me, dealing with the skids is a price that I pay to be with DW, who I do love very much. One day, the skids will be gone. You ultimately must ask yourself if being with you wife is worth the wait and the work. Don't factor the skids themselves into your decision - you don't mean squat to them.