Hello, everybody. I'm new here and seeking input and advice about my situation. I've browsed a ton of the forum topics, which are great, but there are a enough key differences that I thought it might be worth starting my own thread.

So, I am a 31-year-old mom to 3 girls (5, 7 & 9) and have been dating my boyfriend for 2 years, who has a 7-year-old daughter and twin 5-year-old boys. What's unique is that our relationship is long-distance. He and I see each other pretty frequently, but it's relatively rare for us to get together w/the kids, since we mostly plan trips for when all our kids are w/their other parents.

...and when we do get together w/his kids, it's a nightmare. I feel hopeless about this. For the sake of not boring everybody to death, the main problems as I see it are as follows: they are spoiled, selfish, self-absorbed, manipulative, absolutely horrible table manners, ill-behaved and whiny, plus have absolutely no sense of accountibility or responsibility. There is a general lack of structure in their lives, and I don't think there's any consistency b/w their two parents' homes; my BF has visitation (Tues/Thurs evenings & every other weekend,) but is in proceedings for joint custody. He does not communicate well w/BM at ALL on parenting issues, and she is pretty worthless, kind of trashy herself... I don't know if they could get on the same parenting page if their lives depended on it.

I know it's not AT ALL productive to compare his kids to mine, but it's next to impossible not to. My kids are respectful, kind-hearted, ambitious, intelligent, sweet, mature and hardworking. Typically, when I have BF's kids in my home, I end up feeling disrespected, upset and exhausted. They are unappreciative and ungrateful when I try to treat them as well as my own kids, and even often overcompensate and treat them BETTER. I've been excessively forgiving of their behavior and tried to tell myself they'll gain respect for me when we know each other better, or they don't know the rules here as well as my kids do. But even when I speak to them to correct their behavior, or to get them to help things run smoothly, they flat-out ignore me! BF does not "tolerate" this behavior in THEORY, but in practice, he appears lost as to how to FIX it.

A couple of examples of the absolute constant whining & selfishness: they were here last weekend, and I was having a brand-new refrigerator delivered first thing in the morning. As the delivery men were bringing the old one out and the new one in, every last bit of food I own strewn across the kitchen counters, one of the sons was REPEATEDLY and CONSTANTLY whining and begging for breakfast, COMPLETELY oblivious to what was going on around him and that there was nobody available to do that, nor anyplace to even prepare breakfast yet! If that were my own kid, I would have said, "Next time you say a WORD about breakfast, you are not getting a single bite to eat until lunch." But I just bit my tongue. Later that same day, when the kids were supposed to be cleaning the playroom, which they TRASHED (my kids were not home,) I ended up cleaning the whole thing in huff, b/c all they wanted to do was whine about not knowing where everything came from, as the kids AND BF looked on, and the 7-year-old started whining about DINNER! Again, completely oblivious to being responsible for this mess that I was-- very pissily, I might add-- picking up! WTF?!?! Entire outings have been ruined b/c those kids can't stop whining about food and drinks!

So thank you if you've read this far. My main problem is, the objective is for me to move to be w/my boyfriend, and as time goes by, the more and more I want to stay as far away from the kids as possible, until they at least are taught some social skills! Is there any hope for that even happening though? I can't relate to the way they have been raised to act this way so far, I am completely at a loss as to whether there is anything I can do differently to help my BF guide them in the right direction. I love him dearly, and I would like to see him AND his kids happy and successful... I would prefer it not be at the expense of my own happiness, or god forbid I have to take ALL my effort and energy away from my 3 BDs to make this to work. I sometimes think my daughters would be a good influence on his kids, BUT I would say I worry MORE that his would be a BAD influence on MINE. I wouldn't say my BF is completely unaware of the problems, but I definitely think he views his kids through rose-colored glasses, so it is hard for me to bring this up with him. On one occasion, when I told him that his daughter's behavior was hurtful to me, he told me I was RIDICULOUS for allowing a child to hurt my feelings! But come on-- I take a lot of pride in my home, and I show my love by welcoming people into my home and taking care of them. I can't stand it anymore. I hope some of you can help.