BM Holds My SO In Contempt of Court - What a Douche!
Yup. SO has been trying to divorce BM for 2 years now. She's impossible and at this point he says it's just a "financial transaction." He moved out long ago, filed etc she's just had control over the whole damn thing because she was pissed off and SO was advised not to "upset her" for fear that she would make things way worse. Well they had gone to court for a legal separation over a year ago and they determined the amount of temporary alimony he was to pay her and his only other responsibility was the mortgage (in his name). She was to pay all other bills. When that was decided I told my SO that there for sure would be problems because she has never lifted a finger or paid one dime of her money towards the house, her family, NOTHING. She's lazy and useless and she's barely a mother. Being the nice guy that he is, he decided to continue to pay the utility bills (which are astronomical) because his adult daughters were living there and he didn't want them to be cut off or without blah blah blah. I warned him not to do that because it would bite him in the ass. My thought was that the court would see he was still paying and therefore could afford this and she would run him into the ground with that information. So finally after she had done/said something particularly nasty, he decided to stop playing nice guy and wrote her a letter with copies of receipts from the bills he was paying and paid her the balance of the alimony money (which was less than half due to the fact that he paid these bills voluntarily). So what does she do? Emails her lawyer and tells him HE PAID LESS THAN HALF OF THE ALIMONY THAT HE OWES ME! He found out the other day that they are holding him in contempt of court! Ok, he pays her and pays for all of her bills, gives his kids money and yet she's STILL disatisfied with that?! She has been living in the lap of luxury since her and SO got married and now because he left she doesn't benefit from that lifestyle anymore and that's why she's pissed at my SO. It's not as if she is in mourning over the loss of her husband. Love has nothing to do with it. Now this contempt is on record and he has to deal with that in court along with all the other shit.
Now I am well aware that he helped her into this and I have told him this as well. I get that he dug his own hole but still...
I HATE BM!!! I HATE, HATE, HATE HER. God help me if I see her on the street one day...I will bury her!
Technically, based on what I
Technically, based on what I understand, the fact that he voluntarily paid other bills for her does not mean he was not liable for the alimony payments. It sucks, but like you said, he did that to himself. The fact that she chose to be vindictive about it sucks considering how much he DID pay, but it's a lesson learned - do what you have to, nothing else, because certain types of people will always take advantage.
Wow! I sorry that you both
Wow! I sorry that you both have to go through this! I would love to see a DH get treated with respect and the BM to get told to take a hike!
this whole thing sucks, and
this whole thing sucks, and hopefully you will have a lenient judge, but going by the letter of the law...
He is in contempt. He should have never paid those other bills. They will in all likelihood be considered a "gift."
Sorry-I can join you in hating on your BM, it is exactly something ours would do. Give her something and she wants more more more.
Unfortunataely the money he
Unfortunataely the money he paid the bills with will be considered a gift. He will have to pay the alimony money. He needs to stop giving her the extra and make her have a come-to-Jesus moment with reality, He also needs to stop pussy-footing around her and finalize that divorce.
contempt is not the word,
contempt is not the word, it's not an order for HER to pay the power bills (holding someone in contempt is filing that they are not abiding by the order), they were getting paid and that's all that matters to the court
Yes, they ordered him to pay
Yes, they ordered him to pay her x amount in alimony and pay the mortgage on the house which he had already been doing. She is responsible (or supposed to be) for the utility bills and anything else she needs. She pays car insurance etc, phone bills. This was part of the legal separation agreement. They still have a final hearing IF it comes to that but they are going to mediation in a couple weeks...they haven't been yet. There's a chance it could be settled out of court which is what they are trying to accomplish but she could also drag him there which is what I believe she will do. SO disagrees and says she told her lawyer she wasn't interested in facing him in court but...who knows, I'm sure she will change her mind. It's the last thing she can control UNTIL the divorce has been granted. Anything aftwerwards is up in the air.
my dh's ex didn't ever call
my dh's ex didn't ever call the utility companies and get them out of his name in return WE were getting the bills, no we/he did not pay them nor did we give the bills to her, so i told him he need to call and have a service order scheduled for turn off, and he gave me the same BS 'don't want the kids going without', so i finally convinced him to order a turn off but OF COURSE he HAS to play nice and call her and notify her :sick: so what does she do? turns around and turns it RIGHT BACK ON in his name....then he decided to play "fair" and called and put a code word on the account and had it turned off, nothing was ever said but she does have his name off now
like the other posts said, he did that of his own free will, he shouldn't have ever paid the "xtra" if BM does not provide that's on HER and can be taken to court for failure to provide ESPECIALLY if she's getting all that excess of :sick: spousal support :sick: spousal support shouldn't EVER be a law either
why???? BECAUSE SHE CAN!
Omg somerg this is EXACTLY
Omg somerg this is EXACTLY what we're going through. He told me he has asked her several times to take her name of the bills but she just never did it. My comment to him is why should she? I mean if he's just going to keep paying her bills why would she bother changing them over? She knows he's not going to live her high and dry with the stupid adult kids in the house so she takes full advantage. It's what every entitled BM would do. I need another word for this BM, the ones I use don't seem to be bad enough to describe what a loser she is.
I agree he never should have paid and I warned him about this several times and said, "Mark my words...this WILL bite you in the ass." Sure enough look what's happened! He knows he f*cked up and acknowledges he made a mistake but yet he's still tip toeing around the situation. He has officially stopped paying those bills and we haven't heard from his kids that there's no electricity or any of that so she must have finally changed them over. What pissed me off is that SD23 could just go stay somewhere else if there was a threat of no heat/electriciy etc, she would be fine and wouldn't put up with not having any power in the house but the reason BM takes advantage is because she knows my SO is not going to cut his kids off and if there's no power she will immediately tell them, "your father has cut us off now what do you think of the bastard?!" I advised him to inform them that he was having issues with her and that she's being difficult but that he needed to let them know there's a chance it could get ugly so you should plan to stay with a friend in the event that there's no electric etc. Doesn't look like he took my advice which is typical but now...maybe he'll listen after her sweetness reported him to her lawyer and she's being a total asshole! We'll see though...
what he NEEDS to do, is not
what he NEEDS to do, is not wait for HER to move, but call in the companies HIMSELF, set up a code word so she cannot reactivate in his name (if her's is listed too then she can) and schedule for turn off, and he NEEDS to specifically tell the company that they are going through divorce SHE lives there and the bill needs to be out of HIS name regardless. my dh did that and it FINALLY got her to move, he did not warn her the second time
You're right. I would LOVE
You're right. I would LOVE for him to be a total asshole to her in the process as well just like she has been! He has been telling me the last several months that this is a "business transaction" and he's not emotional about it anymore like he used to be. I also told him not even to bother with a warning, why does she deserve that after what she has pulled?! But nope...gotta be the nice guy and warn her. I honestly think that just as you suggested above...he's at that point Of cutting her off. Sick of her playing games and he no longer feels sympathy. His kids will have to live in the dark. They don't like it, TIME TO MOVE TO YOUR OWN PLACE! Better yet...move and pay your own bills, it's long past time.
he'll feel so much better to
he'll feel so much better to finally take the lead i mean isn't that what leaving and divorce is all about because the couple is sick of what ever issues, controlling, never negotiating, etc, i know my dh is getting better, but still far from where i hope to see him and bm is VERY CONTROLING
New Name for SO's
New Name for SO's XW:
Succubus - Female demon appearing as a loving woman that ultimately drains the vitality of a man.
For those with an XH who is evil, manipulative, etc who need a name for their X...
Incubus - Male demon appearing as a loving man that drains the vitality of a woman
"Succubus - Female demon
"Succubus - Female demon appearing as a loving woman that ultimately drains the vitality of a man."
LOOOOOOOOVE THAT!! And that is exactly what she is Rags!
You did tell me this wouldn't
You did tell me this wouldn't be the end...I believe you, I was just hoping for him to get through the stupid divorce and then maybe it would be a little while until she drags him back to court for anything. I never know with her. At this point nothing really surprises me and every time he tells me something new about the whole thing all I do is roll my eyes and shake my head in disgust. She's so awful, I can't wait until he's officially not associated with her lame ass. He's still going to have to talk to her about his awful kids I know this, but at least he's not going back and forth about money/finances all the time at that point.
The plan now is mediation in April...they have yet to go at all and the lawyers suggested it months ago but she refused to go. Now all of a sudden she's running out of money and wants a quick fix. Mediation is going to be a nightmare, she will make it so. The final hearing is in May and he's hoping they will reach an agreement so they won't have to go through that but knowing her...she'll drag him there just to be spiteful. I expect nothing less than mean, manipulative behavior from her...turns out it's how she is. Gone are the days when SO would say, "No she wouldn't do something like that." Because she does/can/will and the last time I said that I interrupted and said...remember what you said last time and look what happened. I have told him, expect this bahavior from her, regardless of the last 20 years you have spent with her and you think you know her...you no longer know this person because she's not her anymore and that's something you need to deal with at some point. He doesn't want to believe she's that awful and quite frankly he's embarassed by this. He can't believe who she has become and regrets staying with her as long as he did. It's worse because he waited, he should have left many years ago and that was his mistake. Oh well, live and learn!
We'll see if loser BM drags him to a hearing I wouldn't put it past her but who knows, she might need to get another perm before then and since she can't afford it she might speed up the process in getting the paperwork rolling before May.
"I'm at the end of my rope.
"I'm at the end of my rope. Once I got there and FDH could hear it in my voice (I was sobbing so it was pretty easy for him), he knew I was beginning to bow out. He got the balls to push and get things done."
YES. It's funny you said that because I have arrived here officially. It sucked for months and to a point I put up with it because there is nothing more that could be done by him but the last time she cancelled the mediation date because her friends told her to...I was IRATE. I knew she would pull more shit, it's just expected from her now. I told him at that time that it's long past time to let her fuck around and he needed to deny her a new mediator because she felt like messing things up and making everyone miserable. He agreed and because he was paying for ALL those costs ($1500 for 4 hours) he should choose the mediator without her it's only fair. He went back to his lawyer and said NO we're not budging let her be a bitch. But his lawyer said she might say she won't go at all if they don't agree to a different mediator...so surprise, surprise BM gets her way again! The last couple of weeks I have been seeing bills in her name come to MY house and when I asked SO about it I also said that it bothered me and I don't expect it to carry on. I don't mean to be a bitch here but I don't like seeing her name on bills with MY address on it like she lives here! I told him she has an address, and it's at the old house you lived in she needs to learn her address and that's it. Well the other day we got another piece of mail for her and I absolutely lost it on SO. I told him I was sick of this bullshit and it's no longer ok to feel sorry for her...she's taking advantage and making my life hell. I told him no more bending over and letting her stick it to him. The next time she cancels mediation tell her you will see her in court where yes she WILL have to accept a worse offer but it's her own fault for screwing around. You're absolutely right about that HS, he knows for her to skip mediation and take her chances in court would not be good for her and I don't believe she is aware of that. However, it's only a few weeks before the court hearing that was scheduled and if they don't reach an agreement...definitely going to court. As much as I want them to wrap things up, I would almost rather he take her to court because that would just be the best way to cap her bullshit off. She has had control the whole time because she's more worried about power and control than she is about a neutral agreement of sorts. If she has to go to court she loses because A. She has already said she doesn't want to face him in court and B. She will do worse for SURE because he is already paying her more than he needs to and there's no way a judge will make him pay all her bills for the rest of her life! I told him who cares if it's a couple more weeks...take her to court, she deserves a slap in the face after all she has put him through for her own selfish reasons.
I love that comment about
I love that comment about lining the lawyer's pockets hahaha so true. She's been pulling all kinds of stunts. Her favorite thing to do is avoid my SO and email the lawyer which of course costs like $100 per word. She loves that. She knows that she's not paying for it in the end. Honestly this whole thing is costing a lot but not as much as he thought it would...YET. People have paid a lot more than he has in other cases.
You're right about her being a temporary annoyance...or at least she will become less of a presence over time. I'm sure she'll make a racquet from time to time so we don't forget she's around but I would rather her sneak up on us with bullshit once a year or less than deal with her EVERY SINGLE DAY. MY SO is so ready to be done with her. He has been tip toeing around her and being careful so as not to piss her off and it will be worse. He has taken some abuse but has no choice. I have this feeling though...we will not see the end of her once this is done. She does not have any closure and I believe she will email/call/text with plenty of questions about why he divorced her and when it's done she is done playing around and has no control so she will try to be a pain in the ass in some sort of way. My SO is like...bring it bitch! Once it's over he has no problem giving it right back to her, what can she do? I know the position she is in, she figured...I'll ignore him until he says he wants me back and then we'll go to counseling and I'll make him pay for ever having the audacity to leave me and then the next 30 years I will remind him of what he did to me so he will never be mean to me again. Well that plan didn't work! Onto the next...I will ignore him and drag this out for so long that he will cancel the divorce and just move home, then I will have him TRAPPED. He won't want to divorce me but won't want to be with me either so he will just have to stay with friends and then I'll still get plenty of money. Oops that didn't work either....sigh...what to do what to do? Oh I know! I'll just make this cost him as much as possible for daring to walk away from me and my frizzy permed hair, and then I'll cancel hearing dates and not show up to court and tack on a few emails to the lawyers etc...yeah that's it! THEN when it's over, I'll continue to make that bitch of a girlfriend's life a living hell by emailing him and calling incesently about my kids so he HAS to respond! Yup that way if he ignores me I'll just make up shit about their dad and turn them against him or I'll just tell them the truth - he's too busy for you because he has a girlfriend now and she's more important to him. Oh BM...the games you play SO amusing. She won't be winning the next round...I'll see to that }:)
The XW can't hold SO in
The XW can't hold SO in contempt of court. Only a Judge can do that. XW can file a contempt charge but the Judge will rule.
Your SO made several well intentioned but bad decisions.
1) When alimony or CS is ordered ..... PAY ONLY WHAT IS ORDERED AND NEVER ANOTHER PENNY NO MATTER THE REASON!
2) When SO decided to put his foot down he violated the CO on alimony by paying less that what was ordered.
I would recommend that he immediately send the difference between what he should have paid and what he did pay and stop paying any other bills for his XW and their ADULT children.
SO putting his foot down is a good thing, how he did it opened him up for some issues that could have been avoided.
Nice guys never get credit for being nice in these situations. Hopefully your SO will not be held liable for paying the bills he has been paying for his XW. He set the precedent and a judge may just order that he continue paying the bills on top of alimony.
A good friend of mine voluntarily over paid CS for years. When he decided enough was enough he cut back to only what the CO stipulated. His XW took him to court and won. The new CS was set at the over paid level he had set as precedent and he was ordered to pay back CS to make up the difference he did not pay for nearly a year.
Even my SS-18s detestable SpermGrandMa got nailed by us for being nice. She and SpermGrandPa paid their reprehensible spawns CS responsibility for my SS for years. When we filed for an amendment of CS the SpermIdiot and SpermGrandMa requested that my income (StepDad) be considered and that CS be lowered. In response we countered with a request that the SpermGrandParent's income be added to the SpermIdiot's for calculation of CS since they pay the CS for my Skid, the SpermIdiot lives rent free in a house that they own, they raise his youngest three out-of-wedlock spawn in their home with no financial help from the SpermIdiot, they provide the SpermIdiot with cars and pay his share of travel costs for my SS to visit.
The judge ruled that their income could be considered when calculating the SpermIdiot's CS obligation. However, the judge did not use it though she did use my income.
The judges ruling scared the shit out of SpermGrandMa and we spanked them with taking them back to court for another round every time they got toxic and bitchy with my wife.
This is why if the X can't manage money the NCP can not cover the Xs inability to function financially. Even if the kids suffer.
The kids need to see the difference between how a responsible parent lives and an irresponsible parent lives. Facts and review of the CO's, all communication, etc.... with the Skids will give them clarity on the situation.
Your SO is a good guy, but, he has to stop being a "good" guy and hold his X and adult kids accountable for their own livelihood and life style. He needs to quit paying the bills and force his X to live on her income. Even if he is the one providing via alimony.
The only way that I have found to deal with toxic Xs is to have a zero tolerance policy to any bullshit and to kick their ass in court every time they even think about trying to manipulate. This is how we ultimately got my SS's SpermClan under control. Once a CO was created we kept it handy along with the state and local supplemental rules, we rolled them up and beat the SpermClan with them every time they crawled out of their hole under a rock.
I learned this lesson with my own adulterous whore of an XW. She left for her geriatric Fortune 500 Executive Sugar Daddy. When she filed for divorce we agreed to cooperate, use one attorney, split the cost and that each of us would take what we came with, take the wedding gifts given by our own friends and family and move on. She also said that she wanted me to have the money in our joint accounts. I agreed.
After a few weeks decided that none of the night shift nurses she worked with had amicable divorces and my XMIL felt that my XW was getting ripped off so she got nasty. At that point I told her that since she was getting nasty that everything would go in the pot and a judge would split it. This made her vary nervous since her parents had given US $30K when she graduated from college. I supported us while she was in school so the $30K was a gift to both of us.
I had written all but one of her college papers for her for three years. I never got less than a B on any of her papers. The one she wrote she got a D on.
I had copies of all of the papers I had written for her so when we met in her lawyers office to discuss an amiable resolution I went in with notarized copies of the draft and graded papers I had written. The drafts were in my hand writing.
I did not use an attorney. Her attorney recommended that I obtain counsel. I refused and we started the discussion. I told her that I was fine with our original agreement and if she insisted on trying to push for more that "everything goes in the bucket, the judge will decide who gets what and EVERYTHING about this marriage will become public record. Then I slid the folder with the notarized copies of the papers I had written across the table and said "and these will be given the University".
Her attorney looked at the folder, turned to her and said, "I am an associate professor at the law school and I can no longer represent you because of educational fraud". She went back to using the single attorney that we had already agreed upon and did not try to change anything that we had previously agreed to.
Since there was only one attorney involved she did not want me to attend the hearing in front of the judge. I showed up anyway with my files and sat in the galery. I was the only one in the room besides the judge, my wife and the attorney. The judges asked if "the husband" was present. I spoke up from the gallery and said, I am here your honor. He called me forward.
This PISSED off my XW. I suspect she was planning on some last minute crap. She got snippy with the judge when he got to the part where she petitioned to return to her maiden name. When the judge ruled "Return to maiden name will be granted" she said "THANK GOD!" He smacked her around by asking if there were any children or if she were pregnant. We both said no. The Judge said "I am not sure, she kind of looks pregnant. Young lady if you are disrespectful to this court of this young man again I will order that you be taken to a hospital for an amnio to verify if you are not pregnant before I allow the return of your maiden name". She shut up.
He ordered "property to be divided as possessed" She had moved out and I still lived in the house we had purchased. Technically it was now mine and mine alone.
You gotta love Texas Judges!
SO needs to stop playing Mr. Nice Guy and protect his interests. In court he needs to be calm and professional and let the XW get on the judges bad side. As you describe her, she will.
IMHO of course.
LOTS of good points in here
LOTS of good points in here Rags, thank you.
Now I am scared because of what happened with your friend. You are absolutely right of course he needs to have expectations from adult skids and I suppose he is slowly coming to these things. I have told him I don't know how many times that if he just cuts them loose and expects them to earn their wages like everyone else and doesn't offer to help them...they will surely figure it out. He won't do it though and it's frustrating because they aren't learning anything if he continues to support them. At least SD23 has a full time job and is headed down the right path with wanting a career etc. She plans to move into an apartment in the upcoming months which is HUGE progress for her. I am actually shocked by that information because I thought she for sure was going to be a leech forever but...there's hope yet!
"The kids need to see the difference between how a responsible parent lives and an irresponsible parent lives. Facts and review of the CO's, all communication, etc.... with the Skids will give them clarity on the situation" - yes, precisely. I have never thought about it from that perspective but that is an excellent point! SD's think their mother is crazy for certain things that she has done and rightfully so, she's a lunatic. At least they know this much. It is a problem for them NOT to see their mother struggling and pulling herself through on her own...she's not much of a role model. We knew she wouldn't be anyway, but it's disappointing because now it's just as easy for her to go back to the kids and say...he paid all that time and finally just decided to be an asshole now how do you feel about him! Anything to make him look like the lying, cheating, bastard of a husband/father...she's in.
I agree with you on all fronts too, I wish he would have listened to me before now he's in it deep and I can't help him. I did say "I told you so" in a loving way but it's important he knows that was in fact a poor decision on his part and it's time to start playing hard ball with her. She has been demanding and controlling throughout the whole process so why not be hard on her for a change???
I would not be overly worried
I would not be overly worried about your SO getting hosed in court. If I am not mistaken all of his kids are adults so there is no CS to have to deal with. If he immediately cuts off all support for the XW with the exception of alimony he can go in to the mediation from a position of strength.
I think I did as well as I did in my divorce because my XW and I had no children. Since your SKids are adults there is not as much to fight over as there would be if his kids were minors.
It sounds as if he is a reasonable guy so if he is assertive and reasonable in what he offers to settle the divorce it will likely turn out Okay. The key is to be assertive and be nice until it is time to not be nice. He will know when that is and he needs to set the firm expectation with his XW that they are done, he is moving on and she will have to be accouintable for her own support after the divorce and the splitting of the assets.
THe only thing my XW and I had to deal with after the divorce was the house. We rented it out but on a lease/purchase agreement but my XW decided she wanted the house when our tenant attempted to negotiate with us to just sign over the house without paying us more than the remaining balance on the mortgage. I was fine with it, I had moved out of state to finish school and wanted out from under the liablility. My XW moved in the house with her Gertiatric Fortune 500 executive sugar daddy and commenced to spawn out of wedlock with him. We agreed that she could have sole interest in teh house if she re-fi'd and go me off of the loan. She never did.
4yrs later she sent me a quit claim deed and $10.00 to get me to sign my interst in the house over to her. I refused and told her "I get half". I suffered through a few weeks of her vitriolic crap, I got another of her lawyers to dump her and ..... I got a check for half of hte equity based on the sale price she was trying to get when she sold the house.
By that time I had no desire to be nice and I go half. I was on the note, took the same risk she did and did not make a dime in rent after she moved back in the house. So, I GOT HALF!
Your SO will learn or he will pay. One way or the other.
Good luck.
Again, all IMHO of course.