Question of paternity--Has anyone else dealt with something similar or could offer some advice?
I couldn't find any other issues like this on here, but am looking for some clarity. Here's the story as told to me: DH was in the military stationed in another country, dated a local girl for a few months while there. They decided to get pregnant before he left for war(don't ask me what kind of sense this made, she was 19 he was 22). So for three days they tried to conceive. On the thrid day they had a huge fight, broke up, and didn't speak for a month. She comes back pregnant, he decides to marry her. (Somewhere around that time and in that month she was also hanging out with a "friend" of hers, another military guy.)
They marry, he goes to war a month or so later. He had a hard time getting ahold of her after he left, and noticed quite a bit of money ($10,000) was missing from their joint bank account. A few months later into his tour he is pulled aside and gets a stern talking to for abusing his wife before he left, and finds out she's trying to divorce him. He starts divorce proceedings himself and cancels her access to the money.
Home on leave to be there for the birth, she will not let him see the child until the day before he has to go back to war. When he arrives home he finds their apartment empty and had about 8 months of unpaid rent due. Still unable to see the child. She refused paternity testing when he asked her, but he signed off as parent on the birth certificate.
Another guy, the "friend" wants a paternity test also, but DH ignores this guy because, I guess, this girl was able to convice him the baby looked like DH, it's DH's, blah blah blah. Afew months after his tour, he is set to get out of the military and move back home. We get together at this time.
I've tried to talk to him and give him some encouragement on being sensible and "just finding out" but he's usually reluctant. DH asked for paternity test 3 years ago but she refused, talked around it, talked about how much like DH this boy is.
Fast forward 3 more years, the kid really doesn't look like him. MIL and FIL agree. Even DH said he's not 100% convinced the boy is his. Child support issues have never been resolved between countries, but DH has never been very persistent on enforcing a paternity test. BM ignores us unless she's trying to get money from him. She's tried to be conniving with me and his other family members, to get information about us and use the legal system to her advantage. She wanted spousal support, child support, and money for college. She also thought she could get part of his military retirement just by being married to him for the short time she was.
Question is: Wouldn't it make sense to try everything possible to get a paternity test?
I think DH might be afraid of the outcomes. If it's positive, he would probably owe lots of money in arrears; If it's negative, he wouldn't have the son he thought he had, whom he has loved and missed all this time.
What do you guys think? I'm trying not to be the evil SM here, but the thought of having this crazy b!tch out of our lives is a nice one.
I should add that he did not
I should add that he did not abuse his then wife and her estranged father informed him (when he was home on leave during war) that she had admitted to planning to screw him over from the beginning.
Krisnkids is right....the
Krisnkids is right....the court won't care what the outcome of the paternity says because he signed off on the birth certificate so they will regard him as this child's father.....I actually have a similar situation to where my ss bm actually was caught cheating on my dh with his friend. He gets upset if I mention anything about my doubts and I have to learn to accept the whole thing because I know there is nothing i can do. Sorry I know how bad it really does suck! The thought of not having to deal with the whole situation really is a nice dream to have lol.
Yes depends on the state-in
Yes depends on the state-in my state I know that no matter how many years-they can stop child support if dna proves no match.
I can relate to you so much! My bf and his ex were 19 when she got pregnant-she later admitted to cheating on him but it was a month before they supposedly conceived.
The girl looks pretty much exactly like her mom-only suspicious thing is his ex is NOT petite-she's on the big side-and he's fit now but was chunky as a kid-she seems very petite/lean...
Anyway, the bf when him and his ex split did one of those online kits he ordered and sent in-did not tell her-came back no match.
Him and his parents discussed it over and over-what to do-what if the test is wrong, it's not court approved test -could have been a mix up...and she had been his D all this time-he decided not to do a thing.
NOW hes wondering and back/forth on the court approved test-I don't know why-he's ready to almost walk away-slowly but he's so conflicted between loving her and seeing who his D is becoming raised by her crazy, selfish, entitled, bully BM.
Sometimes I think it's unfair to me to not know either way-because I have problems bonding-as does he because we aren't sure. I mean I may be dealing w/all this ex psycho mess and his kid which by no means is like some of the ones on the board but problematic none the less....and it might not even be his kid??? Not sure what he would do is the problem-he knows he would do something and that it could change the relationship for good w/his D-maybe he's not ready for it to change...who knows.
Don't know...we normally don't dwell on the subject long-at least your guy is ready to do the test-she's not cooperating which is pretty telling IMO.
I on the other hand have presented my opinion on it that he should do it but I won't push the matter, his choice, his kid, his child support, his ex life.
Thanks, it's nice to know I'm
Thanks, it's nice to know I'm not too far off my rocker. There's no real relationship with SS due to BM's refusal to communicate by any other means than the legal system (and oh-- The Atlantic Ocean!) but if there were, I might just consider it a wash and try to be a good SM even though it would still bother me. I can relate @overit2, how effing unfair it feels--like we do it if we HAVE to, and there's a chance we may not have to, but don't have a whole lot of authority to make it happen.
@maux, do you feel like you resent him for this? I'm afraid of that happening to me!
In this state, if you sign
In this state, if you sign the birth certificate, you are on the hook for support. Even if DNA proves it wrong later on, the man who signs is the father. And, there doesn't seem to be a time limit here. Whenever BM decides to go after baby daddy for support, he owes all back funds, and if she had the baby on welfare, he gets to pay back the hospital bill and reimburse the state for services received for the child. Nice, huh?