Step Mother at a loss need help and advice please
I never really thought it was much of an issue my husband and i have been married now for over 4 years. we have 1 daughter who's 3. He has 2 other children from a previous marriage. ages 7 and 6 the kids love to be here i feel that there mother neglects them personally im not saying this out of spite but at times they have come to us with there clothes smelling like cat urine not fitting them not haveing clothing or medication that they need.
I need advice i tried to talk to my husband about how im supposed to love or even get close to my step kids when i never speak with them. The youngest fo the 2 rarley asks to speak to me but not the older one. I think i have spoken with them 1 time in the last 2 months. he only speaks with his kids 1 a week its a set time that him and his ex set up.
Do you think that im stepping over my bounderies as a step mom?
Also my husband is in the military so it makes it quite difficult for us to visit them as much as we would like now that we are stationed further away we offered to have them take a 2 hr flight to us and pay for it but the ex wife is not comfortable with it. so being that its a very long drive my husband plans on flying out to see them. i guess im hurt that i cant see them as well.
While he was deployed his ex wife took the kids to Disney i asked in an email if she wouldn't mind emailing some photos that way i could put them up on our walls. his ex emailed him and told him that i had no right to do that that she wasn't send photos and that they weren't my kids they were theirs.
i really dont know why its starting to bother me now after so many years
any ADVICE PLEASE HELP
First off, I have to hand it
First off, I have to hand it to you for at least caring. It is obvious that you care for these kids. Don't let go of that. There will come a day, perhaps when these kids are adults, that your care and affection will pay you back. I have to agree with some of the other replies - I would shy away from meddling with the situation between your husband and his ex. Sounds like there is a lot of history - and a lot of hurt - between the two. When the kids do come for visits, be the best stepparent you can be. Some day, who knows when, you might have them a lot more. Take care of yourself, Rachel.
Rach: I agree w/boottuff.
Rach: I agree w/boottuff. Don't try so hard--it will get you no where. I know we all think be nice, give unconditional love, treat the sk as you would like to be treated or just like you treat your own flesh and blood AND some day, the SK will see that you have their best interests at heart. Sorry...just does not work that way. Take it from me. Been around 13 yrs with my DH, been in the lives of the SK since they were 4 and 5. Give them everything I gave my own kids...now at 18 and 20 they have nothing to do with me or my husband. All my husband gets is bitched at by his daughter who sounds exactly like her mom. My husband sacrificed for these spoiled brat kids. He gave 1/2 of his monthly income to pay their illiterate, psycho mom for her vagina-mony and even in this 11th hour as child support is winding down that bitch continues to call my DH and scream at him for her lousy support-while neither child is living with her(they have both moved in with girlfriends and boyfriends).
The bottom line is, no matter what you do, no matter how decent you are and try to reach out to SK they will resent you. They need a bad guy, they need someone to blame and that person will be you because they cannot blame their dad or their mom. Kids are not equipped with reasoning skills or compassion and are afraid to see the truth. Maybe they will down the road when they age, mature and maybe become a step themselves, they possibly, maybe, will give you a small % of credit for being a kind person who truly tried to love them, but by then you will either be divorced or dead so what does it matter?
Best to concentrate on your marriage and your child. Don't do what so many of us have done--spend all your time trying to give and get love from SK that will never be reciprocate and miss out on some really great times with your own children, who will love you no matter what.
I'm going to be the voice of
I'm going to be the voice of hope here and tell you my story.
DH and I are military. SD15 was 6 when BM left DH for the second time. DH spent a lot of time driving 15 hours each way on long weekends and leave to see SD. I came along when SD was 10.
Now SD15 has a serious case of hero worship for both of us. She behaves for us, and wants to make us proud. DH was a Disney Dad for a long time, but he hasn't been since I came on the scene. We're just a family; we punish her when she needs it, and she does chores around the house. We'd love to have her full time, but BM would fight like a demon against it.
It took me more time to grow to love SD15. I was mostly indifferent to her for the first three years. As she's gotten older, we've been able to talk more and I really like her now.
Good luck to you.
I just want you to know that
I just want you to know that you're not alone. I to am having similar circumstances. I have a great relationship with sd10 and ss11 every other weekend! BM controls everything with my skids. They don't get to have friends over, no after school activities, BM even monitors court ordered phone time with DH by making the skids put the phone on speaker when he calls. My heart hurts so bad for these children and I know they feel uncomfortable when they talk to their dad and she's listening and laughing in the backround it makes my DH feel like not calling. I feel like they're missing out on being children. And as the SM there's very little I can do. I sometimes get concerned because I care so much I have no children of my own. I have never disliked someone so much as I do the BM. I am a christian and I pray everyday to forgive her evil ways but so far I haven't. Hang in there and remember your not alone.