My responsibility to move in with him?
OK....I've been seeing a guy for a while....he has two kids. They are...a handful. Before when I was there every single weekend, they gave me attitude at every turn. Now that I have two jobs and studying for exams, I can only go there every other weekend and now they are thrilled to see me! I might even like being a step mom if it continues! And I do love this man.
Anyways...he lives with his mom (and grandma, uncle, cousin) and is saving to get an apartment of his own. His mom inquired when we were going to move in together. I am open to that possibility, but not now. Why? I would like to see that he can get a place on his own, and can be financially independent without me to pay half the rent. I'm not gonna be someone's meal ticket to getting out of their mom's house, I have done it before and it turned to into a distrastrous 5 year relationship with me supporting the both of us. I swear that's the only reason why I am hesitant NOW. If he can get his finances in order and stop going to the bars, etc I'm totally there to move in with him.
In addition, since it's been a while, I've been thinking of purchasing a condo on my own, just so I can stop renting and put my money so I know it will come back to me. He won't move in though, pride issues maybe? His mom got snide with me the other day while I was reading the paper and smirkingly said, 'OH...looking at condos huh???'
I told this to his female friend (who claims to love them and that SHE is their 'surrogate mom'). His female friend pulled me aside and did say, 'If you're going to be this relationship, then it's YOUR responsibility to move in together to show the kids the stability of a two-parent home. You can't be making your own plans. In this relationship, it's not about you anymore, it's about the kids. I love those kids and if you eff this up for them I'll be there looking for you.' She pregnant on her fifth child, so she has extensive experience dealing with kids and is a good mom.
Ahem.....thanks?
Now....for some crazy reason I have this feeling of being trapped??? Like I'm no longer allowed to make my own decisions for my life now that the kids have grown attached and vice versa, for fear of backlash and being blacklisted from his friends and family.
I always feel left out cause all his female friends/cousins are moms and always talk about their kids, and I have none. And sometimes I feel like a bit of a loser when trying to interact with the kids, like I'm being judged like I don't know what I'm doing (which I don't, I'm not a mom). Like I almost wanted to have a kid just so I could fit in!
Any suggestions?? Thoughts, opinions?? Any would be appreciated.
I don't mind being a stepmom, but I feel there needs to be some stability first.
Thanks guys, I love this forum.
Man, this is a tough one.
Man, this is a tough one. First off, you have to be true to yourself. This means that unless you are 100% committed to committing to this family and taking these kids on as "your own", you should probably think twice about getting into this relationship. You mentioned already being bonded with the kids, but what happens if one or two years down the line when you are REALLY bonded with these kids and the relationship with their father is all bad? Then you are in a really tough situation. The fact that he is living with mom is a red flag (or at least yellow?). Is this boyfriend gainfully employed? If no, this is another big problem. This is supposed to be a partnership, not a free ride for this guy.
Couldn't have said it better
Couldn't have said it better myself.
One comment . . run. I
One comment . . run. I agree with everything Naturalmom above has said. Plan your life. If you want to buy a condo, start looking and keep your business to yourself. Tell your mom and family and friends, and keep his family out of your business. You don't owe these people any explanation for what you do with your money and how you're planning your life.
It sounds like sonny boy is looking to latch on to someone to take care of him and his kids . .don't let be you. You deserve better. Mom and the female friend need to mind their own business and get a life. They have advice for you, but haven't been able to motivate your SO into doing anything with his life. They have a lot of nerve. They're already butting in and have made you feel guilty, and will continue to cause trouble if you don't get them out of your business.
Let Sonny boy prove that he's worthy of planning a future with, if not I'd consider moving on to someone else with like minded future goals, plans and aspirations . .preferably without children. SO's got "trainwreck" written all over him. Good luck.