How to avoid nightmare skids: steps to take with young skids
Background: I have only been married for a year. I've got 2 great skids: ss6..yes twins!
They are sweet, funny, kind, playful and affectionate. They love me, love their dad and love visiting our house. They always want to stay longer. We have problems of course, but they are typical problems from boys of that age. I teach 3rd grade, so I've seen it all! They are little things, like being picky eaters sometimes, playing too rough or not wanting to clean up toys right away. They see me as an authority figure and DH backs me completely with discipline.
BM is actually not bad, especially after reading some stories on here! We have them every other weekend and 2 nights during the week. She is very flexible if we ask to have them extra for something special or need to switch nights. She loves her kids and wants the best for them. She is a little overbearing and overprotective and tends to spoil them sometimes, but she disciplines them, has a good routine and shows them a lot of love. She also doesn't try to turn them against me or DH, even though I'm sure she would love to! They keep any negative things out of earshot of the kids or in email.
Now for my question...I have read a lot of negative stories on here and I am hoping to avoid nightmare teenage skids who have no respect. How do you do it? Since my situation is relatively normal without a lot of drama, is it possible to raise skids that love mom and dad and even smom (just a little!)I do love my skids and we are hoping to have one of our own soon.
There have to be people out there who have some good situations. What did you do when the kids were little to make that happen? I am so afraid of what will happen when the boys get older. Their mom is very emotionally dependent on them.
So are there any steps that we can take for a smoother transition into the teens? My DH is very open to all suggestions from me. He is fantastic! Thank you for any and all suggestions!
Thanks for responding. I know
Thanks for responding. I know my "problem" isn't very exciting or drama filled. I am here mostly to learn how to keep it that way! I am also here to learn how best to respond and react to feelings that I get sometimes, like jealousy or bitterness. Even though I love my skids, there's still that lagging bitterness that his ex had all of his "firsts" with him. It's hard to have these kids that I love and do a lot for, but then I'm told by their mom that I will "never be any kind of mother to them" She wants me to love them and wants them to like me, but there's always this invisible line in the sand that I'm not supposed to cross and I don't know where it is! It's hard not to overstep my "role" when I don't really know what it is! It seems that I'm supposed to love them and do "mom" type things for them without being allowed to get the "mom"type love in return...so frustrating!
I find myself subconsciously holding back a little out of fear that they will turn on me one day. When it comes down to it, a mom has a lot of influence over her kids and if she ever made them choose, I know where their hearts really lie.
Wow.... I can relate to this
Wow....
I can relate to this all so much. My oldest SS has done all of the stuff in StepAside's post (but we don't have any children between my husband and I yet, but I am sure he will do everything you described when we do) and it is hard! So hard. I have invested so much love and tears into having a good relationship with him, it hurts for him to say mean, hurtful and untrue things about me!
However, I have three Skids under 7, and we have a great relationsip so, I am hopeful that I won't experience these same problems with them as we transition into their teen years....and I have the same feeling of jealousy towards the ex-wife!!!
My biggest concern with having children of my own is that my skids will get more from everyone, including their dad, to make up for the time he can't be with them! It is scary, but I love my skids and my husband very much and I am hopeful for GOOD RELATIONSHIPS with everyone involved.... probably a long shot, but hopeful anyways!:)
Well, she's not the greatest,
Well, she's not the greatest, but she could be much, much worse! Her greatest wish is to be looked upon as the best mother on the face of the earth. She plays nice with me most of the time I think mostly so it doesn't reflect badly on her to other people. I am happy for relative peace, though, even if she is being fake most of the time! I am also very resentful of the fact that we pay her child support and alimony, which adds up to more than I make as a teacher! It's frustrating to see my DH work so hard to give away half of his salary so she can be a stay at home mom to kids that are in school full time!
I never enjoyed watching most
I never enjoyed watching most of my stbxh money from work going to another home, personally just so one lazy , fuzzy, BM could upgrade her cable and texting services. (just to name a few)
Would have been nice for him to be able to put that dough in his actual REAL HOME. Oh well. That's our system.
stpmom2b, I understand and
stpmom2b, I understand and can totally relate to you.
My step situation doesn't consist of a "batshit crazy BM" like some others on here, either. Don't get me wrong, we've had our moments with her and her PAS'ing of skids, etc... However, it does also bother me that we pay BM massive CS$$$ (to the tune of over $1,500/mo. for FSD16 & FSS13) to a woman that only works part-time and has only done so for the past 2 years and despite the fact that we share true joint 50/50 legal & physical custody with her!! These kids are in school full-time!!! Grrrr!!
So I can understand TOTALLY how you feel about the fact that you sit back & watch your DH's hard-earned $$$$ go out the window to a BM that sits at home most (if not all) of the time. Yep, I hear you and feel your pain. Very frustrating and annoying when I think about how many things OUR HOME and OUR LIVES that money could be used for (instead of funding BM's body art/tattooes/piercings, her shopping desires on the internet and at the mall, etc...).
I personally think that the reason it frustrates me (us) as much as it does is because we can't wrap our heads around the concept of being a LAZY, DEPENDENT LEECH of a woman - we don't understand why these women aren't TOTALLY EMBARRASSED of themselves and their need to live off of other people. KWIM??? We are hard-working, professional, educated women who, if we were put in the BM's position, would NEVER NEED (or even accept, for that matter), money that isn't necessary. We do not have that ENTITLEMENT MENTALITY that these money-grubbing BM's have. Hence, we just shake our heads and struggle to grasp the whole CS$$ concept. We are SO COMPLETELY OPPOSITE of these women, that we cannot comprehend how they think/operate/act.
Not me - I have too much pride, too much self worth. If, for any reason, things didn't work out between myself & my FDH, I would NEVER accept a DIME from him. I have my OWN money, thank you very much. I would take what's mine, would NOT GO AFTER what is his - and move forward with my life.
DIVORCE = END OF MARRIAGE = GAME OVER
Unfortunately, these leeching BM's simply can't grasp this simple concept...and they have absolutely NO PRIDE and have NO CONSCIENCE.
Hmmm...it sounds like you
Hmmm...it sounds like you think I don't belong here.Honestly, I've looked around and there aren't too many step parent sites that are active like this one is. I think this site exists for more than just to "vent". Although, I have a good situation compared to many, there are still things that I would want to vent about and I would hope that I'd be welcome to do so even though I don't have a horrible situation.
I think that being here I could learn from people what they would have done differently and also how others deal with their feelings. It's good to know that I'm not alone because of that and I hope that I'm welcome to vent or ask for advice even though my situation isn't as bad as some of yours.
I think you belong here. I
I think you belong here. I don't have the issues with DH not supporting me or things like that. SD15 loves me and I think is thankful I am around for many reasons. SD6 loves me too, she is going through a VERY tough time right now with ODD and her BM.
I have the same thoughts you do about sometimes feeling jealous and resentful towards my SDs and this forum has helped me find boundries, not feel guilty about it and many other things. The BM is a real piece of work at times and has drawn that line for me as well. I think you can learn a lot here and add a lot.
Agreed. Its called
Agreed. Its called StepTALK.org.
Stick around. I'm sure there are many on here that could benefit from your perspective and be more than happy to share theirs
Obviously 
Wish we had an experience
Wish we had an experience like that, but I have to say...I do know a few other good friends that have skids and do NOT have these issues. And no, it's not me! or DH...hehe...
My DH's best friend and his wife have a great relationship with his now 19yr old...basically he told his EX...WE ARE NOT playing games. I respect you. You respect me. When she got married, he took the guy aside once and said "I respect you as my daughter's stepdad, you will see her much more than me...don't ever forget she has a father..." He has NEVER allowed his daughter to bad mouth his ex...same the other way around. Anything the daughter has attempted to say, he will call her out in front of anyone and say "you are lying, and I will talk to your mother". The mom does the same...they stand behind each other, she never interferes with his time, his weekends, nothing...this kid has been doing EOW since she was 1 and she's 19 and STILL does EOW!!! There was never an "I don't want to go" because mom would not have put up with it...neither dad. Basically, THE PARENTS took charge...
I have another friend who actually STOLE the husband away from the wife, go figure...and she has a decent relationship anyway...the ex-wife, geez, I'd whack her, but anyway...the parents basically have not allowed any disrespect from the child about EITHER parent...and there is NEVER an "I don't want to go, or I don't want to go back"...it's been 12yrs and she's never had any major issues.
Again, everytime I see it work it is because the MAN had the @#%#%lls to stand up to the ex, set the rules, and not allow any games...the woman also did the same...they backed each other up, they never allowed the kids to talk about the other parent or even complain about the other parent or siblings or anything at each other's house...if the kid wanted to complain, take it back where it came from...
If more parents did this, life would be so much better for everyone...especially the kids...but well, there you go...
I have only been with my SO
I have only been with my SO for 2yrs but the one important lesson that I learned is: I need to know my role and not cross boundaries. That is a two way street. That protects me and them.
Like you my DH is supportive, a wonderful partner, and is a great Dad. However I do have one of these crazy BM's to deal with. Who is selfish and hurts her own childredn. So I do blog about that, but it is good just to have some ladies/men on this site to help you with the day to day stuff.
My daughter is 29. My SO's kids are 10 and 13. It's been a few years since the kid thing for me. So I seek advice and read the blogs to learn and see what works and what doesn't.
Welcome to you!
Welcome and have fun with us...sometimes I sit at my desk and laugh out loud. It is good to laugh.