She sounds like a jealous witch. How old are the skids? Would it be appropriate to let them know that you've been asked to tone it down by their mother?

You are not wrong for being a caring person. It is natural to hug and kiss your skids. HOWEVER, if BM is as nasty as ours, BM will ruin that for you and you will have to accept it.
When skids used to talk about me positively and tell BM all the stuff i did for them, she became a jeolous jerk. She tried to turn them both against me by calling me b*tch, wouldn't let them come into house until dad was home, etc. They can't handle someone else being another true mother figure to their kids. My SS11 still greats me with a big hug around my waist when he comes back, but SD9 is a loyal and treats me badly, just the way her mother wants her to.
You may eventually get to a point where her alienating the girls against you happens and it will hurt you but you will have to dissengage to keep the peace between you and DH.
Good luck!

And what would she have her future BF/DH do? Would she tell him the same thing? I doubt it. What is it with these women and their double standards!?
There is nothing she can do legal wise, she can just make everyone's life a living hell.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. If you stop showing the girls affection they may think they did something to make you stop. If you don't stop then BM may take it out on the girls and make them feel like they have to chose between you and their mom, which is a completely absurd. Her insecurities are not your problem and I say you keep on doing what you're doing. The girls are old enough to figure things out and see why BM is acting that way, and if they have questions for you about it you'll be there to answer them and I'm sure you could handle it beautifully.

And like Raspberry said, let her try and file a report and be laughed out of the station

She's making silly threats because she is threatened by her kids loving you. Some people just can't deal with another woman in their kids life. It's ridiculous. You don't change a thing. There is no law against hugging your step kids. Don't do it in front of her anymore if you don't want to antagonize her. Otherwise ignore her. The loon.

I have two SDs, ages 6 and 10. I have been with my DH 4 years, and married to him 1 year (though we were engaged one year in and would have married if not for lack of money and desire to "do it right"). I knew the kids before DH and I were involved, through my family of origin, so they are very comfortable with me.

BM has a personality disorder and is extremely angry at DH and I, though she ended her marriage and there was time between their breakup and my involvement with DH.

The girls are very affectionate people and we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone, and most all are affectionate. It would be very odd if the only people I was not affectionate with were the kids. Yet BM would really like it if I never tucked them in, and has told the kids they may not kiss me on the lips, and so forth.

SD10 is her mother's caretaker, and will be true to anything her mom wants, at least on transition day. SD10 has boundaries and I respect them. She still really loves me and considers me a close person in her life, but she reminisces about the days when I was just her friend, not her stepmom, and was more fun. Sometimes she is really angry with me.

SD6 is more vocal about mom's instructions, and since she was 3 or 4, I have responded to her announcements ("Mommy says I cannot kiss you on the lips" or "mommy says you are not supposed to put me to bed" and the like with questions..."How do you feel?" "What do you think about that?" She usually says something like, "That is silly! You are my STEPMOM!"

I let both kids take the lead on how much affection they want from me, with the exception being that when they are having a really hard time and pushing me away I usually make sure to express love to them anyway in some way, so they know that I am there for them even when they are upset. That I am not intimidated. I kiss them each goodnight, but I give SD10 a choice about getting a kiss or hug or whatever she wants, and she knows she does not have to. But she always wants a hug or kiss from me when she can choose what she gets.

My situation is different because of their mom's PD. Their mom is very affectionate, so I am not so much needing to make up for a colder mom like the one in your skids life. But she is terribly unstable, loving them too closely one minute, totally ignoring them or raging the next. They sleep in the same bed as mom and have no personal space whatsoever. It is a balance between giving them personal space and showing them consistent love. I am aware of how much it is useful to the kids for me to be truly stable, to really love them no matter what. Affection is an important way of showing that.

Because BM is so unstable, I do not really pay attention any more to her wishes for me not to be affectionate with her kids. I do take into account where the kids are at, and especially for SD10, I try to be really sensitive to and supportive of her attempts to make boundaries, as she really cannot do that with her mom.

But while I do not react so much to BM's issues, I am very sensitive to the criticism of other SMs and moms who react to the idea of a SM and skid being close emotionally. In our family, this is just how it is. SD10, and to a lesser degree, SD6, go through being more or less close to me, being angry about their parents not being together and about mom's anger at us, but most of that is a reaction to their mom's constant drama about being the victim of all she encounters--we ruined her life, in her view, despite the fact that DH (and I, to a degree) have supported her financially, been inclusive and loving, even in the face of her violence and aggression. But when I hear a "normal parent" being critical of my closeness with the kids, it hurts.

Mostly I encounter this on chatrooms populated with folks from a more conservative culture than mine, where affection is not openly expressed. I have sought out the advice of child psychologists and a therapist --the kids' psychologist, a child psychologist I see for parenting advice and understanding of weird stuff I see in the kids, and a therapist I see occasionally for my own development. Each has expressed total support for my closeness with the kids. The T said to me, "In my line of work, I see a lot of people and hear a great deal about people's upbringing. And believe me, step-parents often have a pivotal role in people's lives. A loving step-parent can make all the difference."

I do not think that the kids are confused by me being affectionate. I think that when they tell their mom about this, that it creates friction with their mom and stress. They have to balance their need to be loved with their need to avoid mom's anger, and there is some basic way I cannot make those choices for them. They have a really hard reality there, in that their mom prioritizes her need to the only one they love over their need to feel loved and safe and comfortable in their lives, and mom is willing to go to great and destructive lengths to insure she is the center (such as threatening suicide and abandonment). i cannot protect them from the reality that that is who the mom they love really is.

But I can show them another kind of love. It is less gushy, but more constant. It is not intimidated by anger or rejection. My love respects boundaries, but is not dominated by others' drama, confusion, or emotion. It is a love that does not need to be central to them, but that is open to being depended upon. There is a little distance in my love, especially with SD10, a love that is part observation and awareness, love that can say, "Aha! I see who you are! How interesting!" rather than just being close and snuggly and absorbed. A love that is not the only priority of my life, but one of them, and a love that does not trump my own needs, but that goes side by side with them. This kind of love is a special kind of love that stepmoms can have, that does not need the kids to achieve any particular goal, they are not reflections of me--a love that does not want my own needs for love to be filled--those needs are well satisfied by my DH, my friends and family. I do not need my SDs. They do not need me.

I think that it is true that my SDs will continue to go through times of trying hard to make it miserable for me when their mom is having a hard time. But I do not think that will make me not love them, and I think that with my staying power, my love will be of great benefit in part BECAUSE they are permitted to reject it. They do not have to be any particular way to be loved. They still need to behave with some level of respect.

I have been looking around lately at what kids seem to like their SMs and which do not. The main category of kids not liking SMs seems to be kids whose SMs do not like them, either because SM is too young to deal with the complexity of DH, her own kids, and her SKids, or just because they have a very limited relationship. The second category is steps who want the kids to like them more than they do or who require that the kids treat them like a mom, call them mom and the like. I really do not know of situations in which a SM loves the kids and the kids hate the SMs. This idea that loving a kid who lives in your home is somehow wrong or bad for the kid seems false to me. I do not think it necessary to be distant from a Skid for the skid's sake--it is more for the parent's sake that this may be needed. If YOU do not like the kid, distance is probably a good plan.

Out of curiosity, exactly what would her police report say?

She sounds like our BM- she told the boys that they could like me but not love me...that they couldn't kiss me on the lips.....and many more ridiculous things. Police report? Hogwash. She is simply rallying against the institution of the stepfamily. What goes on in each house is separate from the other. She cannot control your relationship with your skids!

this maybe be an old subject for you. But I've had something similar my SKs Bio Mother says that she doesnt want them hugging and kissing me on the cheek goodbye she tells them that if they say that they love me when we drop them off that she will punish them. I am just curious has it gotten better or should I just worry for the future!!! all of us are tired of her ways my boyfriend myself and HER two boys my SKs my oldest SS told his bio mother that he wants to live with us permanently and felt brave enough to tell her she said that she respects that and is ok with it...but OMFG.when they come home the stories just keep a comin....

I on the other hand have been as loving and as fun as I remember my mother being I refuse to not love her children because she has mental issues and sees me as a threat!!....I love my SKs as if they were my own, she should be lucky I dont ever overstep my boundaries as a SM because I could and really piss her off she went from having the kids 50/50 to we have them full time during the school year and she has them 3 months out of the summer