I think it is unfair to ask this of this woman. She is doing her best in this situation that SHE DID NOT create! All she is doing is stating a fact that they don't have the money! She also stated a fact when she said her dh is not allowed a second job. Why should she worry about the decisions that someone else made?

Yes HE as their father should worry about how he is going to see his kids. And if his wife says there is no extra money then he needs to find a way to get that extra money not her. This is no different than anyone else here DISENGAGING!

"Plan on working for the rest of your life to support your child.. DH will come first in his eyes so get on the work train and tell yourself that your doing this for YOUR kid .. he can deal with his how ever he wants"

Truer words never spoken!!

OK, I'm confused. You said you were willing to move to Denmark where the cost of living is much higher (not to mention your moving costs), but you're not willing to make a conscious effort to scrape together $1000 so he can see his kids?

I totally understand wanting to be home with your kid but it is not always an option. I had to go back to work when my baby was 6 weeks old. I had no other choice. Your DH is asking you to be a team player and help him with his kids and you refuse.

No, it is not an ideal situation but it is the one you find yourself in. I can't imagine telling my DH he could NOT see his child. I don't think we would stay married for long.

Elizabeth she is not asking him to not see his kids only that she is asking that he not ask her to work JUST to fund these trips.

I understand where she is coming from, these are his kids and he needs to find a way to come up with the money so she can start funding their future.

I can also see where he is coming from but I still think he should not push all the financially responsibility of funding his kids trips on her as she had nothing to do with what happened. This is his responsibility as they are his kids. this is no different than any of us DISENGAGING people!

Yes she should go to work but not for the sole purpose of funding his kids trips and that is what he wants!

I think the real problem here is that her H says, "This is the way it is going to be and you are not allowed to have an opinion."

To which Lola replied, "But we are married and have a child. I really believe we should talk about this because I have opinions too.

And on and on until both parties are so entrenched in their positions that there is no room for discussions or compromises.

LOLA: Question for you. Do you have any skills that could translate into a job over the internet? Is this something you could work into doing? How about running a daycare yourself?

And like Foxie said, just because he's not allowed to have a second job doesn't mean that he can't do extra things for cash.

Purple-I see her point-I do..her BM sounds like a nutcase!!! YET YET- something we are forgetting-and she is tryign to find a job, i know how tough it is----but her job solely wouldn't fund the trip-because if she were contributing financially towards her part of home/own child expenses it's likely he could save up that $ to see the kids.

And YES IMO the green card SHOULD be a priority---Lola-YES you've had a tough situation to bare-but be prepared to fully support yourself and child-or at minimum you shoudl be contributing half of the living expenses also-and understand that he is probably hurting to see his kids and he is entitled to use his check towards seeing them-even if circumstances changed that you guys werent' prepared for OR deserved.

Sometimes as parents we don't care about the cost-the sacrifices-the inconvenience-waiting for a green card....parents will move mountains to see their kids. So I agree don't be a doormat but expecting contribution towards bills isn't being a doormat-think of it that way rather then "just funding the tickets".

I don't think the guy is being selfish. He is trying to make everyone happy and still keep his kids in his life. I understand the x is a bitch, but it really isn't about her, nor is it about you. This is about the kids. ALL of the kids. They'll never get to know their little brother only seeing him once every two years.

I've said this to my own children about their stepmother, she may stomp and piss and moan, but it really is dad's responsibility to put his foot down and grow a spine.

I certainly would never let someone mooch off of me and then let them tell me how much I can spend to see my kids. I'm sure if you put the shoe on the other foot, you would agree.

The answer to all of this is for you to at least get a part time job to help with your own upkeep so that there is some money left over for him to see his kids. If you don't want him to spend all of that money bringing them over, you have to compromise and support his decision to go and see them in Germany.

Here is what I think, for what it's worth.

I can see where everyone is coming from. I agree with overit in that he needs to see his kids. I think you know that too.

Sit down and have a long, calm talk with DH. Try not to come off in an accusatory, negative tone. You can offer to compromise with him and say, "I know that you really want to see your kids. I married you in part because I saw what a great, loving dad you are to them. I care about your kids very much and want them to be as involved in our lives as humanly possible. It's very important to you that you're in their lives, and it's very important to me, too. I want to help you, and I will help you in researching international family law, father's rights, and immigration. I will help you with the paperwork so you can get another job to see your kids as soon as possible. I will find some lawyers you can talk to who know a lot about international family law. However, I cannot use my money from a new job to help with your kids' expenses. This is because we have so many bills that need to be paid. If we do not pay them, we could lose our (insert house, phone, water, etc. here) and BM would do everything in her power to make sure you never see your kids again if that happens. Let's come up with a game plan to get you a green card/citizenship ASAP." If he disagrees with anything you say, remind him that if you lose your home/phone/electricity due to unpaid bills, BM will work to make sure he never sees the kids again or at least she'll create some other really big drama.

I have some questions -
How long have they been divorced, how old are his kids?
You have a masters degree and were working for your phd but moved to MASS so DH could do research, right? Did you move for his new job before or after kids moved back to Denmark?
If she moved the kids, why doesn't your CO state she has to pay for them to travel back to visit?
You keep saying you purchased the gifts for his kids on your credit card, but you don't have a job, so he's paying the bill for the gifts for his kids.

I can't fathom how someone with a masters degree and almost phd can't find a job that will pay enough for childcare, retirement,funds, credit cards AND save up $3000 in a year for the skids to come visit. It's not like you're looking for minimum wage jobs, right? You're looking for 6 figure incoome positions... you'll have plenty of money to being his kids over to visit.

You married a man with kids. He married a woman pregnant with his kid. He should donate plasma. $60/week cash. 52 weeks a year. $3120... Voila, Skids Visit!

Perhaps you might want to try a temporary agency. It might not be exactly what you want, but it is much better to be looking for a job when you already have one.

I think what is frustrating for most here, at least it is for me, is that you keep reiterating that if you were to bring in a pay check it would be to fund his kids' visits. You would want to use it to save money, buy a house and have more children. I think what we're trying to pound in is that your money is pooled together with his for household bills. What ever is left over would give him the ability to save for the visit and give you the ability to save for all of the things you want in life. You married a guy that has kids. I would not be able to respect a man who forgets his children because of a divorce and replaces them with other children. I mean really, if he could do that to his kids now, wouldn't you be concerned that he would do that to your children as well?

Also, if you were absolutely miserable in your relationship with your husband, you're telling us that you would stay in it for the sake of your child?

Sometimes two happy homes are much better for children than one miserable one.

the parents should pay for half the trip (to enforce this he should buy them plane tickets for the way to him ONLY and she should buy them tickets for the way home) he should get a second job during the year and let that buy their way here make HIM pay for it. if it's a priority to him he'll make sure that happens. he PROBABLY could've stopped the move by filing against it in court (where she would've had to move back or send the kids back to him) i can't move out of state without protest from my ex let alone another COUNTRY how long ago did she move? if she didn't get him proper "warning" he could probably still file for her to move back-check the decree.....i'd do it JUST to piss her off. that's just wrong but look on the bright side, at least you don't have to worry about a phycotic bm banging on your front door and threatening cops and all the drama of a "local bm"

Lola Lehigh - I can see your point in all of this and I agree with you - the BM in your situation made the decision to move her children that far away from their father - just because she wanted to be a bitch and punish your DH that does not mean that you can never have children or build a family with your DH - I dare one BM on this board to come on here and bitch about this - no one fucking told them how many kids they could have with their DH's and quite frankly from all the horror stories most of them after having one child tricked the DH into having more. So quite frankly just because the BM decided to move across the world should have no bearing on whether you have 1 or 2 or 6 or 10 children - no ones business but you and DH.

Now as far as seeing the kids I see you have stated many times on this blog alone that you are not talking about forever just for a few years until you get back on your feet. I understand this completely - when I first married DH we were very poor - he was starting all over in a different state and I moved from a great job and had to start all over again myself. We had a child right away and if anyone had told me that since we did not have a lot of money that we should wait until we were more financially stable I probably would have slapped them. Our BM wanted to be foot loose and play the single woman so she sent SS to us and paid no CS the first 13 months - this decision was made without consulting me - made me furious but what can you do. We have been married for close to 7 years and luckily my SS could not handle living with my DD since he is so spoiled that he moved back with his mother - we pay CS and we fly him out to see us 3 times a year and fly back to see him once a year - when he first came to live with us we could barely afford to pay the ticket - now though things are looking up and our financial outlook has gotten much better. So I am sure that once your financial situation gets better than the money won't seem like so much.

Also as far as the kids really getting to know each other - come on what they will fly over to see you all in the Summer for a few weeks - you all after a certain number of years will not really know the children and your children will look forward to the visits but when there is that much time in between most of your visit is spent just getting comfortable with each other. Your DH will have no say in their raising or anything - and that is the choice that BM made when she moved to another country. When my SS comes to visit DD and him are good for about 3 days and then they start to get sick of each other - they really have no relationship because there is a 12 year age gap and we see him 4 weeks a year.

You getting a job even waiting tables is stupid because by the time you pay child care there will not be much money left - the two of you made a decision about who would work and who would stay home and quite frankly that is none of our business why you all did that - and you are right you have to think about your future and your child and hopefully more children (which I hope you all have) - it is not your responsibility to work to get money to pay for the tickets for his kids - you did not create them or quite frankly this mess - so good luck hope your hubby can come up with the money but if he can't then skypeing will have to be the way - and tell BM that if you want to say hi to the kids you are allowed - also keep adding your name to the presents - she cannot dictate what you do and nor should she - she made this situation now she needs to lie in it. Also with the whole green card business once it is done then you will have more money - so right now worry about your situation here in the states and let BM worry about the kids in the country that she ran off to to try and get DH back - too bad that plan backfired!!!

Just reread your original post and if your DH wants to make this a priority then HE needs to get a 2nd or 3rd job not you!!

I don't think any of that matters, the where's and the why fors are just flotsam jetsam now. I'm sure BM's reasoning for leaving were two-fold, (1) to be a bitch and take te kids away for control and (2) so that she could be with her own family and support system through this trying time.

The point is moving forward. I totally get your position Lola. I get the frustration and the jealousy of having to share sometimes... all of us have gone through these emotions at one time or another. Being an adult means swallowing some of those feelings sometimes. I'm not saying your wrong for having them. I just think you're wrong for acting on them.

As sad as it is, most men will do whatever their wife tells them to do in order to keep the peace at home. So, in essence, as much as a stepmom doesn't think she has control, it is the total opposite. Men are mostly idiots and don't know how to facilitate their own relationships with their kids, especially if they perceive that it causes friction at home. Sometimes we just have to be the bigger person even when we never get any acknowledgement for holding their family together.

Good luck to you Lola. It sounds like this is going to be a constant battle in your marriage unless you both can come to some kind of compromise.

I think I would have to say that IF it that much of a priority for your dh then HE needs to do what HE can do see HIS kids! End of story.

He also needs to understand that getting his visa is going to be the best way to make his a priority.

Am I the only one who sees this?

Seems like you, dear Lola, are the gravy train here. Even though you are not working, it is YOUR credit you are using. YOU gave up everything to be with him. YOU are expected to work to pay for his kids to come and visit. And, correct me if I am wrong, but being married to a US Citizen gives him certain rights, too, doesn't it? I don't think you realize it, but the ball is in YOUR court right now. HE needs YOU!!!!! Time to stand your ground and tell him like it is. If he wants his kids to come and visit, then let him figure it out. I agree that there are ways for him to earn extra money that don't involve an actual extra job. You need to get back to work and start taking care of YOU. Get accounts in YOUR name only. Get some money saved up for you and your child. You definitely need to start looking out for yourself, because it doesn't appear that your husband is looking out for anyone but himself.