feeling alittle hopeless/ at wits end
I am besides myself and don't know how to handle my newly blended family. I am hoping to get some words of wisdom. I will try not to drag this post out.
We blended families is June. My children moved from out of state to our new home. Ages are 16, 14, and 12. The oldest two are boys and are doing well. My daughter is doing horribly. We chose to move out of state because my family is here. In addition my fiance daughter lives here also. At first our girls were very excited to go to school together. Before school began my step daughter told my daughter ( BIG TIME TOM BOY) that she would not fit in if she doesn't do something with her hair other than pull it in a pony tail. My daughter went and got a cute hair cut the next day. Well that evening my step daughter told her that she cut her hair to short and that she won't fit in. I told my daughter not to worry about it.
Fast forward, instead of step daughter helping my daughter out with being the new kid in school, step daughter's friends are bullying my daughter terribly. To the point I have her in therapy. My fiance talks with his daughter about the bullying/ as she has become a part of it, but this child has never been truly reprimanded for it.
We are also in the process of planning her batmitva. My fiance and myself are Catholic, her mother is Jewish. My fiance was layed off in October and has yet to find work. He is paying 100% of his child support, but this batmitva has killed us financially. We are two weeks away from the big date and my child support is now paying for the end of it. My problem lies with his exwife called and told him she now has hired a bus to drive the children from the ceremony to the reception a whole 2.5 miles. We need to give 250.00 towards this bus and he agreed. Well I hit the roof!!! Two of my children's birthday's are days before the batmitva and I had saved 250.00 for their bday gifts/ parties. This money is now gone due to this stupid bus!!!!
Since Oct. we have really cut back because his half of his unemployment is to pay child support. I know we are a team and I had no problem doing more than my fair share to help with our household expenses, yet my kids have been told no over and over again when it comes to extras. That goes even with my kids playing sports. My oldest son is gifted as was able to take 12 college credit courses this spring. However, we had to pay 700.00 towards this. It would have been wonderful for him and a great help his first year of college..However, the finances are not there to make the payment in Dec. so we had to tell him no. As much as this tore me apart, We just had to cut back.
However, his daughter is never told no. This batmitva has become a circus and has financilly bankrupt us. When I speak to my fiance about it he tells me that we just don't understand how big of a deal this is in the Jewish faith. I understand it is indeed a big deal, but why throw a small wedding when the finances are not there???? It's simple economics!
As of Sunday after I found out about this bus I can't even look at him or his daughter. I am LIVID over the fact that MY children are going to have to do without once again while his daughter gets a big Batmitva.
I love this man with everything in me. He is kind to a fault. I think this is where the issue lies. If someone was broken down six hours away and called him for a ride home, he would be there. I think his kindness is being used against him with this batmitva. He only invited 20 family members to the event to keep cost down, but his ex invited 112 people and his daughter has 26 friends coming...The spending is out of control. He gets told how much his half is and pulls it from his pocket. However, his pockets are empty right now.
I want to speak to him, but am so angry that I need the words to help me talk to him. Because right now my words are not so very nice going through my head! LOL!
Any advice would help greatly.
Wow, just finding the words
Wow, just finding the words for how horrible your situation is tough. Batmitva? Really? If the mother is the one who is Jewish, then let her pay for it.
Your problem lies in the fact that your husband is just too nice. I have one of those at home myself, so I completely understand. Notwithstanding his inability to put his foot down, he really should not be spending money he doesn't have. There is a simple answer to his ex-wife's requests...NO. Time to have the sit-down with the SD and tell her, there IS NO MONEY since Daddy is without a job. Any further money to be spent will have to come from her mother, not from your family. The sad part is, you are the one that is footing the bill really, since he's unemployed. Unemployment doesn't go far, and the fact that he is paying half of his unemployment for child support is even worse.
You have GOT to get him to tell this woman NO or she will drain your bank accounts and not even give it a second thought. This is not a time for fuzzy math...my two cents.
I wish you the best of luck, I really do.
I feel your pain. My SS is
I feel your pain. My SS is never told no but my BS has to follow all the rules. By him argreeing to pay for this and your kids suffering, you are going to resent your SD if you don't already. I wish I would give you some advise but i am in the same boat. Good luck!
If he is paying child
If he is paying child support, he is under NO obligation to pay for the Bat Mitzvah (it's two words, means "Daughter of the Covenant"). Both I and my ex-husband are Jewish, but since he is paying child support, I do not get a penny for the kids Bar and Bat Mitzvahs - that's what child support is for - for the kids' expenses. Talk to him about it, and ask him where it is written in his divorce decree that he has to pay for the Bat Mitzvah.
Another very helpful thing with blended families - keep your money separate from his. Otherwise, you and your ex-husband (who, I assume, is paying child support for your children) will be supporting your new husband's kid.
As far as bullying... I can't even imagine what I would do if my SD and her friends were bullying my child!!! I'm sorry, but you really have to step up and be an advocate for your child! If you can't do anything with the husband, talk directly to the kid. If that doesn't work, go to the school principal. My son was bullied on the bus last year, and I organized an entire campaign at his school! I had meetings with the principal, the teachers, and the district superintendant. I also organized a parents' group against bullying. As a result, they actually introduced an anti-bullying program at the school, with outside consultants as well the teachers conducting workshops with the kids, and also very strictly enforcing no-tolerance policy for bullying. This year, there's been no bullying at all so far. But I keep checking with my son (and daughter, as a witness :)), just to make sure I don't miss anything. Bullying is a very serious business - a lot of kids kill themselves over it.
Good luck!
MX4 is absolutely right. If
MX4 is absolutely right. If you do not keep your money separate, his daughter will continue be a 'have' while your kids will continue to be 'have-nots'. It is not right for your kids to do without while she is never told no. Especially when your son was denied an educational opportunity, yet she is being given a lavish party. And if your kids find out that YOUR money is going to pay for all of this stuff for his daughter, it's possible they will begin to resent you for it.
There is alot of sadness in
There is alot of sadness in your home and it seems to be you and your kids..not him or his daughter....First of all your money should not go towards events of that type for his daughter that is between your DH and his exwife..NOT YOU.... your child support you get from your ex husband is for your kids..period....
As for your SD bullying your child....oh my gosh I would kick her butt from here to the moon. You really need to please take care of your daughter...and really if your DH does not have the balls to do so..well too bad for him but now this is your flesh and blood and she comes first..I mean really your daughter is relying on you to take care of her....please take care of your daughter....very bad things happen to kids that are bullied....
Z
I am very angry over all of
I am very angry over all of this! It's to the point where I can't stand to look at him or his child. His exwife came to our home on Sunday to discuss the plans and I got up and walked out of the room. I could feel my face getting hot and I was about to BLOW!!!!
I am one inch away from telling her off and letting her know that her ex husband is OUT OF WORK, paying her FULL child support, and it's my dang signature on the checks that is paying for this circus!!!
For the love of Pete, I understand making it a special day, but the size of a wedding when he is out of work is INSANE!!!!!
I don't even want to go to it. Isn't that horrible?
The rehersal picture day is next Wed. his ex made it for 4:00 in the afternoon! My kids get out of school at 3:45 and I myself is in school again and have an exam at 2:00pm. I told her we will not be able to attend and she seemed annoyed. Personally, I don't want to be anywhere near her until the day of the ceremony cause I'm ready to let her have it!
Col951031 - I think YOU need
Col951031 - I think YOU need to put your foot down to HIM and maybe he will find his balls with BM.
He is paying CS even when he is unemployed. If BM wants to send the skid to the MOON, SHE uses the CS SHE RECEIVES to do it.
YOU are not contributing anymore to this event. I think he's/you've already contributed enough.
This is a boundaries issue and I have a feeling that other instances of this are going to crop up as well.
Thank you! I have been sick
Thank you! I have been sick over this. I'm at the point where I am going to say what I truly feel to whomever mentions this dang thing to me.
My wallet is closed. So I have no idea where he is getting the money for this bus or the rest of the money to pay off the reception. He can borrow it from his mother if he has to..because I KNOW he will never tell his daughter no.
I posted on your other blog.
I posted on your other blog. I just want to say, this needs to stop now. You need to seriously put your daughter and son first. This is wrong. This is not your kid or your religion. I am a catholic married to a jew and not everyone does this. Jewish or not. This is Bullshit.
Your son and daughter come first. Honestly, I am ashamed that you didn't pay for your son's AP classes. That is awful. You are sacrificing them for a man. Unreal...Close your wallet and get your kids out of this situation.
I have to stop because I am reading this and getting mad at you for letting this go on so long.
The reason why I could not
The reason why I could not pay for the college credits is because my ex husband had stopped paying child support for six weeks. In addition df lost his job. At the same time I am in school full time and working.
Believe me if I was able to pay i would have. but it was food on the table/ roof over our heads that had to come first. i would have sold my soul to get the money to pay for AP, but I was unable to. i asked family members if i could borrow and was turned down to it being due Christmas week. So unless you can figure out how to support a family of five with limited income let me know.
i already feel horrible over it, but thanks for letting me know how ashamed you are of me. I'm sure you never had to deal with an ex husband who pays for nothing and would have continued to do so until the courts finally caught up with him. So please do not judge me as I did all I could to provide for my family during a very unexpected financial time. I resent you saying that I'm sacrificing my kids for a man. This same man helped me pay my mortgage and purchased everything my children have needed for the past year when their father would not. We never expected him to be layed off when he was.
You guys don't have to be so
You guys don't have to be so mean about it. I think she is probably doing the best she can. The only thing I can say is that I'm sorry for your situation and I hope you will begin to keep your childsupport for your children and cut the bar mitzvah off and tell the bully girl, sorry.
Nope nothing in the decree
Nope nothing in the decree states he has to pay for this.