Well for the sake of an introduction, I'm in my late 20's and have been a step-mom for over 3 years. I live in the South with my sweetheart and his 3 kids. The oldest, in her mid-teens, lives with us full-time while the younger two split time between our home and their mother's home. This is my first time reaching out for advice and guidance about being a step-mom.
To be sure, this is nothing I ever wanted. I made a conscious choice to avoid dating men who had children, and if I found out someone I was dating did, I would end it immediately. Why did I make an exception this time? It was an easy decision. I met this man, and something told me that I needed to put down all my previous opinions about kids and just get to know this person. I did and I am very much in love with him. I am in this relationship completely for him, not for the kids. I love them but am not maternal by nature. My relationship is my number one focus.
When the kids are at our place, I am the primary care-giver, making meals, doing laundry, homework, facilitating fun activies, etc. My sweetheart is present, but I am undoubtably in charge. I've spent time wondering why this is and have concluded that it's because my sweetheart just isn't really interested in being right in the moment with the kids. He loves them immensely, but being an active father is not exactly his strong point. On the other hand, I think that I might perceive him that way because I have taken over and he's just falling in line with my decision. But the bottom line is, if I'm not doing those things, making the household run, following up on chores, checking homework, it will not get done. I can't tell you how many times lately I've been tempted to just take a long bath and let him handle everything for a night. I honestly believe things wouldn't get done and then I'd still be left with the clean-up the next day. And left with taking the responsibility if school work wasn't done, if lunches weren't made.
I am angry. I am resentful but only to a degree. I feel trapped. All I want is my sweetheart by my side, and I cherish our alone time together. I don't want to raise kids, but because of my decision to love this man, I am required to.
I need to know how to handle my anger and frustration and negative feelings over this. I swear, I'm a babysitter and that is all. I am not appreciated by the kids, I am not even noticed sometimes I think. It's hard because I've never let on to anyone that I don't want to be a mom, I just fit into the role and to be honest am very good at it. My sweetheart tells me that eventually the kids will realize all I've done for them and at that point I'll know it's all been worth it. That statement does nothing but make me feel like I'm serving a prison sentence and I just have to wait for my release.
My situation is not unlike many of yours, I'd assume. I don't have any girlfriends, though, who are step-mom's and zero family that are. I'm so alone in this. That's why I came here. Hopefully I'll be able to find some calm from this community.