How Long Does It Take to Fit In With HIS Family??
So...I met my SO's parents last night for the first time. A little background for those who do not know: I have been with my SO for 1.5 years, we live together and are very happy. We don't live with SD20 and SD23 (they live in his old house with BM) Anyway, things have been really slow to happen because of the divorce (which was in the works when I came into the picture) and the way people are handling it. So meeting his parents has taken a lot longer than I expected.
So my SO's parents were very nice and sweet. They are genuine and probably the most down to earth people I have ever met. I thought the visit went very well and SO agreed with me. However, when we got in the car to go home my SO was telling me that he had spoken to his mother earlier that day before we went up and she said that if she wanted to be in her son's life she needed to accept me and what he is doing in his life now. I don't know what to make of that comment. Yes I want them to accept me and I want them to see their son and be comfortable around me as well. However, I took this as...we must TOLERATE her and what you are doing. This seems so unfair to me. I know that this situation is obviously not normal for lots of reasons but it's so important that people make judgements based on WHO I am and not based on this situaiton that I am in. I am not the reason for the divorce and they all know this but I feel like they struggle to WANT to get to know me. This really hurts my feelings. My SO says, "It's not you and you could be anyone in this situation." Yes, but I am not. I'm still me so how can I not take it personally? I haven't done anything wrong and I understand that people need to get used to the situation and used to me being there. My SO says that no matter what he will be with me and it doesn't matter if he has anyone's blessing. He tells me that if people are not going to be supportive and they by chance did not like me then he's just not going to be around them and we have our own life without them. This makes me feel very important to him of course.
My question to you other SM's. How was your transition into a family that was there before you? Did you have a tough time adjusting? Did you feel like an outcast and like you had to EARN your place with your SO as far as the in-laws are concerned? I never make a bad impression on anyone and people generally like me a lot when they meet me...this is the first time I have ever been judged for things that I cannot control. I'm looking for you to share your experiences with me and not so much to convince me to turn around and get out of this sitauation so I hope you will keep that in mind.
I get on really well with my
I get on really well with my SO family
They make no secret of the fact they despise his exwife and always have.
His mom is a bit loopy, his SD never really wanted to be their SD so he is ok.
his sister I get on with but only spent time with her recently (she tried to maintain a relationsip with the BM for the sake of the skids and her kids as they are all close in age) but cant stand her now
His bro is a nice enough but his wife is insane so we all kinda steer clear of them.
anyway there are lots of kids across the fam so they all do the usual get togethers every few months.
Spunki this is something I'm
Spunki this is something I'm trying really hard to do. I have always been a person who cannot handle when people don't like me and I'm just being honest...it hasn't happened a ton so it's weird when that does happen.
However, lately I have been WAAAAY better about not caring what his kids think. They are adults and just recently he has said...it's my kids' problem if they don't accept you, it's not mine. This is a totally new revelation to him! It's a big deal and I needed him to get there so I'm glad for that but I just don't want to be at his parents' house and feel all awkward or out of place because their eyes are boring into my head. They seemed so nice so I'm hoping they don't compare me to useless BM but it's a possibility.
My situation coming in to
My situation coming in to DH's life/family was a little different than what you experienced, but it was the same in a lot of the emotional ways. DH and bm were never married, and kiddo was born at the end of their dating relationship. His family loathes her and her family for a myriad of reasons, and vice versa. I met DH when kiddo was about 1 1/2, BM had been MIA for about a year at that point and the first thing that his mother said upon meeting me 8 months into our relationship wasnt even to me, she looked at dh with me standing right there and said "She isnt going to be another "bm" is she" that first meeting was full of "bm this" and "bm that" from MIL and FIL. So that was nice... But my MIL and I get along pretty well now and found out we have a lot in common. My BIL and I are close and have had phases of being friends. Other family members to this day have flat out rejected me (race), kept their distance, or warmed up. Its kind of a mixed bag. Recently my husbands youngest brother, who is married, had an illigetimate child with his.. i dont know what to call her.. mistress, i guess. The mistress was instantly welcomed into the family by everyone and was told to come to the family xmas where the wife and other children would also be. I have just decided that it is what it is and I cant compete with screwy logic and lack of boundaries. LOL... it just takes time to see where the chips are gonna fall and youre early in the game.
whoa. That is messed up about
whoa.
That is messed up about the out of wedlock kid alongside the kids with his wife.
Ya, i dont get it either.
Ya, i dont get it either. The rationale behind it was that "they are all my grandchildren". The rest of the story is that youngest BIL bought wife lots of expensive jewelry and theyre now fine, he still has sleepovers with the mistress and their kid, they all three get together so the kids can play together and the wife and mistress act like BFFs and talk on facebook everyday. me and my logic just cant compete with that lol. its this soap opera in real time that DH and i watch from a distance.
You could read my blogs on
You could read my blogs on inlaws....be prepared though. :O
My husband's family has been
My husband's family has been friendly. They have been kind of stand offish too. They have told me that they are a little nervous to get close to someone since they were also very hurt durng the divorce( it was ugly). I just continue to be myself and over time I know they will come around. They always tell me thank you for loving their son and brother they way that I do. They also include me in everything. They have also admited at times it is kind of akward for them but I understand that and really try not to take it personally. All in all the transiton is going well. I did receive lots of looks and there was much talk when we first started to date. The ex-wife told everyone we were having an affair while they wre married. Which is not true and started many rumors and ill feelings. But, not it is getting much betetr. Especially since the ex-wife ended up pregnant before the divorce was even over. SO hang in there...it sometimes takes the family a little while. They might just be protecting their own hearts too.
That is good advice StepAside
That is good advice StepAside thank you. I didn't recognize you with the new picture!
I know that the divorce has been difficult for everyone involved and this does include me of course. It's not his choice that it has been dragged out by his ex but he's doing all he can to not be taken advantage of with the alimony situation etc so that is what it is. As far as I am aware, his mother has stayed out of his affairs and those of her other two adult kids as well. His older brother is on his third marriage (I think?) and there wasn't a ton of resistance or issues about that but he also was not married as long. I'm not sure if she didn't want to meet me or wasn't ready or what the hell that's about. I don't know if my SO is partly to blame for this as he hasn't been pushing it up until the last few months. It's been busy with the holidays too so there was some scheduling conflicts with myself as well. Anyway, I don't think she is an overprotective mother or anything, she does want her son to be happy but she has never been angry or made comments to him that he should not be doing things. She likes for her kids AND grand kids to make their own decisions and seems to keep a distance but you're right...perhaps I should observe things for a bit before I get too cozy with anyone.