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Adult Skid causing SM to begin resenting Fiance!

Ziska's picture

Yes, I am there...."resentment" has taken over my life and I am tired of dealing with a moody fiancé who mis-directs his anger over his loser child towards me.

Here is some back-ground: We are supposed to get married next year, been together for almost 10 years(yes, I've been dragging my feet on the wedding thing)and both of his kids have lived with us from about 16 on until now (SSS one is 23, the other SS is 21). The older is gone and in the military (but who knows how long), but the younger one is a total manipulative loser. The older one is not any better but at least not living with us anymore. They are expert liars, cheats and lazy as the day is long.

Yes, I do have some anger and yes, I do resent them and yes, I wanna go as far as saying that I hate them. I never thought I would hate anyone, but I really despise them with all my heart. My skin crawls when they walk into the house and words come out of their mouth, words of deceit and manipulation.

Furthermore, my fiance is terribly influenced by this. Meaning that he gets mad when I tell him about the latest crap that was done by SS21, but it's ok if he says something, if I do it I am an angry b-word person.

Let's recap:
The last 4 years have been hell. SS21 began skipping school, not doing his home-work, drinking, drugging and hanging with the wrong crowd (I must say at this point I think he is the bad crowd, so I'm sorry for kids that hang out with him and also for their families).

In a nutshell:
2007: Began drinking, drugging, skipping school
2008: Spring: Dropped out of school, jailed, bailed out, Re-hab, psych-ward, treatment (found out he has been drugging while living with BM since he is 12). We paid for all. Ok, for about 4 weeks, then disappeared again, no word, we still paid for cell phone, then we cancelled it because he was not answering when we called. Summer: Received a call from some girl who claims SS21 has been living with her and her parents and that they are having troubles with him (well, their problem not mine). Further, she states that SS21 claims that his dad (my fiance) is an abusive alcoholic that beats him constantly, and that he has sex with me several times and so did his brother. To say I was in shock, is putting it mildly. Winter:Heard from him 3 months later by Christmas we find out through an ex-girlfriend that the 15 year old he is dating is pregnant and he is living with her and her parents.
2009: Off and on again relationship with SS21's baby-momma (Girlfriend-GF) is becoming increasingly violent (mostly on her part), he is drugging and apparently selling drugs, nobody at their house (his GF's parents house) is working, they sleep all day, play video games, go out all night and live of well-fare...he returns home to us several times during their break-ups, is jailed several times during that time, but besides the first time we refuse to bail him out after that....Summer: SS21 gets married, SS21 & GF have child, who has sever problems (drug use during pregnancy we presume), the child was born with spina-bifida, he continues living with GF & Baby at in-laws house
2010: Spring: the relationship between SS21 & GF is a live Jerry Springer Show, he is thrown out by the in-laws and claims to live on the streets (yeah, whatever)....Summer: Calls us to whine and that he needs another chance, we tell him no...a few weeks later, while I am in England visiting my family I get a call a day before my fiance is to fly to England stating that he is bring SS21, REALLY?...oh well so he brought SS21 who was basically rude, lazy and chasing skirts...he even slept with my 30 year old cousin (yeah, I know that doesn't say much about here either, but anyways)....Late Summer: We return from England and of course he has moved back in with us, I wasn't even asked if that was ok. He made it 4 weeks (that seems to be his magic number), totaled his dad's brand new SUV and then disappeared again, same routine as always, he cannot live by our rules, so therefore he leaves, gets drunk, stoned whatever, and does illegal other things too....Early Fall: In jail again, once, twice, three-times in 1.5 months, that's a record....fiance bailed him out (which made me unhappy but I kept silent)....he disappears again...Late Fall: After last jailing, has problems, car was somewhere on the side of the road, not starting, not registered not insured etc....so again, I helped...I jumped the car for him and said good bye....a few days later he calls asking if he can move back in...so I sit down with fiance, write out contract and say, ok this is....last chance....so now he is back.....and its my own darn fault for being so nice....the contract he has to sign had a list of things that he needs to be doing for himself, and the future and of course about respect to us our home etc....well, more to that later....

....PS: I like to point out that I am the one they ( yes SS23 and SS21) call when shit hits the fan, and not their father or their BM for that matter (who is BAD person), and that basically I am the one holding down the fort, fiance travels alot, and does not want to be bothered most of the time....I really don't think he had a clue about the extent of the drama until this year...the sleepless nights I went through when fiance was gone worried that in a drug-rage I may be attacked, or that he would come over and rob our house, or kill me....his anger outbursts are very very scary.....

This is turning out to be a really long post and I don't want to lose your interest but I really need to vent and I wanted you all to have background. So here is what is going on now:
1-He did finish his GED (took him almost 4 months, really?)
2-Found a job but barely works, maybe 20 hours a week
3-Sold his car that he was supposed to get repaired for way under value
4-Bought a new car (at 29% interest, yes he DID) because his dad and I don't know nothing
5-Had car 3 days totaled it last Saturday, and who had to come to the rescue, yes me, dad was out of town, he is magically out of town almost every time shit hits the fan
6-In the lat week has not being coming home at night, comes home around 2isch in the afternoon, showers, changes, eats and leaves...does not let us know where he is at, does barely work, and if he goes to work leaves early and often lies to us about being at work

Result of the last 4 years and the last couple of weeks: I am contemplating not getting married, because my fiance becomes mean an unjust towards me because of the kids, he is confrontational and berates me..treats me poorly and chastises me in front of the SS21 and also friends. There is so much resentment here from all sides....and I don't want to deal with this anymore...but also love my fiance and wish it could work. When I try talking to him about how he treats me he blocks and becomes mean...I don't know what to do...??

Thanks for letting me vent and I am really looking forward to your support, suggestions etc..!

Help! Thanks, Ziska!

Ziska's picture

Thanks ybarra...what you've said makes me want to cry because I know you are right and because I know that I know, does this makes sense?

Ziska's picture

gofotit: True, just to weeks ago the SS21 called me the C-word because apparently I stole his rolling paper's out of his car............REALLY? And all that Fiance did was have a little talk how we don't talk like this around here and that he needs to stop...and then get this...Fiance sends me an email, saying that he cannot deal with this any longer and that SS21 and I need to find a way to get along...so I am thinking, is this an ultimatum, after everything I've done for you your effing kids and then some....?????

I have to give Fiance that he is very generous with me and has supported me while I am going to law school (decided to go back to get my professional degree at 38), I probably would have left along time ago if I wasn't feeling so guilty for having been supported, and then the next kicker is that the wedding is planned and that my family from Europe is all excited and may have already made arrangements etc....I also graduate from lschool the week before the wedding, this is all becoming a convoluted clusterf*ck.arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I wanna scream so bad but let's just fall right into the bottle of wine I just opened instead! and I am in the middle of final exams too...oh my what a mess....!

Ziska's picture

Foxie: thanks, I really seem to have to re-evaluate what I consider love an what love really is!

Ziska's picture

My dad would have done the same thing your dad did, I would have never dared to talk to an adult in a rude way, to this day I am very respectful and polite even when I should not be....don;t get me wrong, I have obviously lost my shit here and there and screamed and called SS21 a fucking drug addict little liar...but you right, the fiance needs to take the gloves off when dealing with SS's ... maybe I should just go and let them deal with it...for once, on their own!

Ziska's picture

tskarbow: The kid is not currently using, has been off drugs for several months (let alone he is on probation and gets tested every two weeks) so thus far ok (he is definitely drinking alcohol), and those years of fear have kind of past, 2008 was the year he was really at it!

Fiance is another matter. Serious damage by SS21, was already done such as totaling the new SUV, now totaling his own 3 day old car this Saturday, stealing money, oh yeah and my SS21's brother used to steal my undies....oh man, finally putting all this on paper is scaring me and I realize what I have put up with and been guilt-ed into thinking was ok and not to make a big deal of things.....I feel an awaking coming!

Ziska's picture

oh one MORE....we just got the cable bill and SS21 has ordered 3 movies, guess what kind, here is a hint, each movie was 11.99.......so, I come home after a 4 hour exam with fiance jumping down my throat about the bill (I wasn't even really in the door), once we had discovered that it was dirty movies I asked fiance if I should go ahead and take the blame for that now since SS21 is going to deny it and that only leaves me in the house or our cats (and they may be smart but not TV smart...lol) he did not think that was funny....well I did!...arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

GoodbyeNormaJean's picture

Wow, I can't even train my cat to come when I call her or use the scratching post. Frankly, I'm impressed she uses the litter box. You trained your cat to rent porn? If she ever has kittens can I have one? I'll train mine to help the kids with algebra homework and put away all the sock laundry.

That's ridiculous.

These aren't kids, by the way, they're adults. They shouldn't still be coming and going from your house at all. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell the guy it's me or these losers, and if they're not gone in 15 days, I would be!

Ziska's picture

Yeah, my cats are super special Wink , a lot more respectful than the people in the house :O

Well, this is about day 7 of SS21 coming home around 1pm, having stayed out all night again, he did work last night (I checked, got off from work around 11pm)...he never let us know that he was not coming home, same ole for the last 7days.

I am flabbergasted: He comes home at 1isch, either sleeps for awhile or shower's, then watches TV, while eating the food I bought, and of course leaving his towels on the floor in his bathroom and giving a shit about his only chore (well, he supposed to jeep his room clean and clean his bathroom once a week, YEAH)...his chore is to collect all garbage from each room, and take out the garbage including the recyclables and bring the containers down to the curb (SS21 has done that maybe 3 times since he has been back and he has been back since mid September).

SS21 is systematically avoiding his dad, because I think he can tell from my demeanor (I am short, not un-friendly just short, and not very engaging) that something is up...and there is his Dad had it and wants to throw him out....mh...may there be light at the end of the tunnel?

Sure there is still the disrespectful way SS21s dad treats me...and on that matter I need to do more thinking!

giveitago's picture

Hey, so what if they accuse you of just using them to get your degree?? You can practice law and make a great life for yourself, give them NOTHING!! They come to you because they know they cannot manipulate their dad, believe me, I was manipulated by a 13 year old and it's very embarrassing but I owned it, it's out there, I remedied the situation and it's resolved with regard to me being manipulated. I took counsel, I accepted a couple of things I was doing wrong, mainly I got into a 'pissing contest' with girl and that was playing right into her hands.

Fortunately my DH saw for himself what was really going on, at first he was in denial for a bit, and he did say that I should find a way to 'get along' but once he saw for himself, said child filed a bogus assault charge on him, he and I worked hard on getting on track with the system and the child. It's not over yet, not by any means, but the goal is to have the girl working WITH us for her own future benefit. Hey, no one said it would be easy!! Our girl is in and out of juvenile hall and is a hair's breadth from being jailed for two years in a young offenders institute, we'll help her as long as she stays on track but beyond that she can paddle her own canoe!!

Ziska's picture

Thanks for your reply and sharing...it's amazing what these kids get themselves into, regardless of them coming from good homes and having all the support necessary...I wish I had half the things as a kid that we have provided our's with....oh well...

And you right, I should not give a shit about them accusing me of anything, especially not in regards to my degree...last time I checked I went to school three times a night for the least (almost) four years and not any of them...

...I should focus on my finals, got two more this week...and then freedom from school until Jan...a FAT vacation is in order, Mexico here I come....

Thanks for your support!