I would tell them to do a lot of reading and research on blended families, communicate and try to truly understand each others' parenting styles, and most of all...talk to a number of people who have been there, successfully and unsuccessfully.

I would advise them to thoroughly research what exactly entails being in a blended family situation. I myself went into it thinking that as long as I loved DH and he loved me we could get through it and any problems that came along we could get through. I guess I never really sat down and really thought about all the variables. If I had, I would have been more cautious.

I wouldn't tell them anything, but I would ask them a few questions like:

Is your bf/gf a good parent? (they won't change for the better after you're married.)

Are you happy with your current role as pseudo-sparent? (it won't get easier after you're married.)

Can you be happy if circumstances change re: skid custody? (it's bound to happen)

Are you willing to stand by your bf/gf even if you don't agree with their parental decisions? (it's a lot easier said than done)

Are you financial assets protected? (If not, better get to it.)

I would advise anyone thinking of marrying a person with kids to come here.

RRUUUNNN! AND RUN FAST! That is what my mom told me the day i met my now husband. I did not listen though

Exactly, What2Due. Sad but true. If by my age they haven't been married or had kids, there's something wrong with them. If they have, there's a whole different set of something wrong with them.

You can't win!

Let's see...

Make sure the guy has a backbone and won't let BM walk all over him.

It's a bonus if BM and the skid(s) live more than 12 hours away.

Don't EVER give BM your contact info.

If you ever end up with custody, counseling for everybody!

On that last, SD14 is talking about living with us. If she ever gets the guts up to make the move, there'll be at least three counseling sessions a week; 1 for SD, 1 for DH and me, and 1 for all 3 of us. Gymbh

My response to anyone dating someone with kids - is BM alive? If the answer if yes, run, run, run....

Don't Do It!!!! I always told my girlfriends the same thing when they were in serious relationships with guys with kids .. my mom always told me as well .. it's less $ for your fam, baby mama drama (not in those words lol) on and on.

I never intended to marry a guy with kids & wasn't looking for a bf when i started dating my FDH so I thought, no big deal, he's not my 'type' but he's fun to be with ... Now I'm totally in love with him & couldn't imagine life without him, so gotta deal with the baggage.

I think the only reason I'm coping is cause he has a backbone w BM, disciplines him in a way that I would discipline my own children and we've talked and I've been crystal clear - I'm not a babysitter, never will be - & if custody ever changes I will not be expected to give up my time to take care of SS & with support $ from BM we'll hire a part-time nanny/sitter or something.

Hopefully he turns out to be a well balanced adult in which case I won't take any credit, but if he's not, I won't take any of the blame either.

Run fast....

I would rather kill myself that do this all over again.

I had NO idea!!! I had never been in "this" type of situation before. One might call me stupid. I had my own place, my child was flying out of the nest, making great money when I "decided" to start "looking" for Mr. Goodbar.

Well, it was like all the men who were available over 35 years old had some form of baggage. I, did not because I had finished it all up early. I thought the little kid was cute. I had NO idea about his ex-wife though and she has only become worse over the last two years.

What would I tell others? If you are on your own and have your feet on the ground and some "sweet" man shows up in your life bearing baggage, make a run for it as quick as possible. I wish I knew about this site a long time ago.

One more thing- I have several friends who are recent ex-wives but I do not know one that is as psycho as DH's ex-wife. "These" women have a grip on their lives and quickly, "move on." Anyways.

Ah, the power of positive thinking.

I recently had a friend ask me about that. She was in a situation of dating a guy with 2 little boys and a psycho ex....I basically asked her to look at the things that she seen around here, the way my SSs behave and how their dad behaves and how I suffer at times...she has made the decision to end her relationship, and I know it caused her alot of pain, but if I can help just on Woman or Man not to become a StepParent I have done alot....:-)

I would say:
1. Do your research first: read books, join forums, understand the risks and the likely feelings and behaviour of the children, your partner, and yourself. Forewarned is forearmed.
2. Find out what their relationship with BM is like. If BM is too clingy and intrusive or too hostile it will massively increase the potential for stress and conflict with partner and children, and the odds will be stacked against you.
3. Spend enough time with the children to find out if they are well raised and you can enjoy spending time with them. If they irritate you horribly when you spend a couple of hours with them they will irritate you a hundred times more if you actually have to live with them.
4. Understand your partners background and family history, if your families are like chalk and cheese you will be programmed differently in terms of your expecations about how families and household should work and it will make it very difficult to create a consistent, happy household
5. Watch to see if the way the bio parent manages their children is consistent with your beliefs about how children should be raised. Different parenting styles will be difficult and stressful, if not impossible to reconcile
6. Test the water - try making small suggestions about the children and the house and see how your partner reacts. Is he able to accept constructive criticism? If not you are doomed
7. Is your partner able to communicate openly with their children and identify and tackle problems? Or do they brush everything under the rug and avoid talking about problems for fear of making them worse? If the latter, they will be a very poor intermediary between you and their children and even small issues will escalate out of control causing stress and resentment for you and the children
8. Where possible get things out in the open, be clear about your expectations. If your potential step children are exhibiting territorial behaviour or trying to manipulate situations, call them on it, calmly and fairly.
9. Think very carefully about whether your relationship is sufficiently wonderful to merit the tolerance, self-sacrifice and sheer effort required to foster a relationship with their children. Is your partner going to be able to be appreciative and loving enough for himself AND his children?
10. Do NOT move in together too soon, and not until you have agreed and even documented your mutual expectations about how things are going to work in terms of your authority with the children, housework, chores etc etc
11. At the first sign of problems get counselling, it can help a lot and should not be a last resort. A counsellor can help you plan your strategy for managing your stepfamily

This is a tough question because everyone is different. I guess it would depend on the persons involved. I use to be against getting with someone who had baggage and even got on my friends who became involved with men with kids. Now look at me I am in the situation I have lived to avoid. Go figure.

I would tell them if they are not doing well to begin with then it isn't going to work; also, if you do NOT have a united front then just give up!!I am not saying in order for it to work you need to agree 100% but if you are butting head - forget it.
In my situation; we weren't getting along at all and then when SD13 moved in with us FT; it got worse - if you can believe it!!

I'm not saying not to do it; but I am not saying to look for it either....

I would suggest these tips:

1. Don't go into it thinking you'll all be this big happy family. That doesn't always happen.
2. Don't think/hope/expect the kids will love or like you. If they do in time, great. If they don't that's fine too.
3. Talk with your DH about rules, discipline, etc. You need to be able to enforce consequences and rules and have DH back you up. The kids don't have to love or like you. They might hate you. After all, now that you're in the picture, they know that there's no hope that Mom and Dad are getting together again. But they still need to be civil and obedient to you.
4. Encourage your DH to show his kids healthy ways to cope and vent.
5. Talk to your DH about BM and reasonable communication and boundaries. If BM is a looney nut, she should only he allowed to call in case of a skid emergency (and those need to be spelled out for her). Everything else should be saved for texts & email.

I would tell them to look at all angles, the kids, bm, cs, etc
And don't assume that DH will treat your kids-DH and you-like he treats his own b/c he won't have the same quilt with them.
Also look to the future-you may really like the kids-you see them on the weekends but how would you feel if they lived with you all the time. Are you ready to become a mom without being able to grow into the position.
Be really really honest with yourself.

1st thought!!!! run!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 2nd thought, run faster!!!!!!! all that money paid to the ex and time spent with the kids, just for her to brainwash them that daddy is a loser. if there is a nice ex-wife out there.....i've never met her. always stirring up crap because she doesn't have daddy anymore.....and you know who pays??? the kids.