What Would You All Think...And Do?
Okay...SD's wedding plans are getting wayyyyyyyyy out of control.
I have received a text - from the BM of all people - to join in on SD's bachelorette party - the the BM is throwing for her!
As to which is an hour and a half away.
THEN...I'm expected to attend the rehearsal dinner the next night for my husband is in the wedding...
Which again..is an hour and a half away...
THEN...I'm expected to go with SD - and her mother - to the beauty salon the next morning to get our hair and nails done for the afternoon wedding..after attending breakfast with the BM and SD.
THEN...attend the wedding..THEN the reception...
In other words the festivities begin on Friday night...and run clear up until Sunday evening. And it all has me 'hanging' out with the BM..
There is no way in hell I'm hanging out with the very woman that feels she has some sort of control in my marriage to my husband. She has caused so much shit in our marriage..texts, emails, phone calls...LIES...why in the hell would I go out to clubs with her..let alone sit at a freaking beauty salon with the lunatic??
As far away as this wedding is..I'd have to leave my house Friday night and not return until Sunday evening because I can't keep coming home if I do all this stuff. And I am not staying up there all weekend just so I can hang out with BM.
Please tell me honestly...do any of you feel I'm wrong in ANY way on this? Would any of you party it up with the BM or hang out in a beauty salon with her? And would you do it for the sake of a SD that has said hurtful things to you and has told people that you are the reason she 'lost' her father?
I feel very out of place with my SD..and a part of me feels all this is being expected out of me so I can say no and give them something to talk about. I am attending the wedding and reception and do not intend on anything else. I am no way near friends with the BM and wish to keep it that way. Every time I've been around her, she's dissed my husband to my face and the SD just chimes right in. It's an uncomfortable thought to me and I'm tired of having this woman shoved down my throat.
My DH said it was 'kind' of an honor to be asked to accompany SD to the beauty salon...??? What?? With his ex wife..okay..the same woman that just a few short months ago told him she cried when we got married in February..and just before that asked him to move in with her...THAT woman??
I'm not one to just suck it up and go with the flow...this is NOT something I wish to do and am not going to be made to feel guilty about it.
BM is into all kinds of bullshit when it comes to partying..gets loud, drunk..just plain crazy. I can't imagine myself getting involved in that in any way..nor my husband enjoying me hanging out with the woman that still feels she owns him..then dogs him when she gets me alone.
I'm just VERY weirded out here...am I taking this too serious? Anyone think I should go?? Thoughts?
Yes, that.....
Yes, that.....
I think it would be different
I think it would be different if we did get along..but we actually don't talk much.
She told a pretty bad lie on me about 2 months ago that caused my SIL to actually call ready to rip my head off. It was a lie that could have - and would have if I didn't quench it then - made me look absolutely horrible to my husband's family. It was manipulative, hurtful, and mean...and SD never batted an eyelash over doing it. I would have been looked on as something horrible for quite some time if it had been believed fully. My SIL actually apologized to me for jumping me the way she did..actually said she should have looked at the source of the lie..THAT should have told her. She's had trouble with my SD for years so she said she should have been used to it.
SD comes in my home and acts mostly like I'm not here. She wants her daddy..walks right by me and runs to him. Said on Facebook that I took her father from her and she has no Dad now..people actually sympathized with her and remarked at how terrible they knew me to be..when none of them no me whatsoever. Sympathized and told her they were sorry that her dad chose me over her. How awful!
She's made life really hard for me to be around her..I feel awkward and feel nothing she says is in any way truthful. Nothing. When her baby was born I was not asked to get in 1 picture. But her mother's boyfriend who is an on-again, off-again relationship got asked a million times to pose and hold the baby. And I'm her dad's wife..made me feel very unwelcome on such a joyous day. I never said a word though - just sucked it up for my husband.
I guess if I knew what I had done wrong...I'd try to fix it. But I have no idea other than the fact my SD wants control..and I'm not one to chase after someone to give it freely to them..as meaning my DH and my SS.
I am going to the wedding..but the bachelorette party, breakfast, and beauty salon...it's just not a good idea..at least to me.
NewBeginning - I would
NewBeginning - I would definitely skip the bachelorette party, and I probably would skip the beauty salon. Make something up. DH doesn't understand how the beauty salon could actually get "catty" and you don't need the stress.
As far as the bachelorette party - no way jose! Alcohol and that relationship? Bad combination.
Make up an excuse for the other two... book yourself some alone spa time to get yourself relaxed, and go to the wedding. Make sure DH stands by you on it. And then have a great time with your hubby at the wedding!
Agree 100%. I also agree
Agree 100%. I also agree that, due to the time frame, it probably is baiting on their part. You have every right to avoid the bachelorette party, the salon, and the breakfast. No one should expect you to sit there and play nice with those two. Yes, they will probably use it as an excuse to talk trash, but oh well. It's not like they were going to heal the rift anyway.
Stick has the right idea with the spa day. Have some special time with your DH and relax before the wedding. Hopefully they will be so busy with all of the events and preparations that they won't have time to bother you (optimisim here).
Don't worry hun. We got your back.
I don't know...I have this
I don't know...I have this very weird, sneaking suspicion that this is all to somehow make it look like I'm not on my SD's side.
Just very odd to me...
I can remember last Christmas BM texted me to say to me that her and my husband talk more than I know..and not about the kids. When I showed my DH about it, he confronted her about it and she promptly told him she was going to come to our house and kill me...?? Kill me for what...that I called her out to my DH? Then she recently sent my DH an invite to a sex chat room...WTF? As of about a month ago?
I've been told by family members to watch my back very closely for I have a huge knife in it. That SM and SD are really hateful towards me when I'm not around.
I honestly SOOOOOO wish this was not the case for I know I'm a good person. I feel very torn about how I feel..if I knew why my SD was to awful to me, I'd try to rectify it..I would. But for her to just keep trying to set me up to fail..well, it's hard.
This is my very thought.. Go
This is my very thought..:)
Go the wedding and reception and just have some fun! Once it's over..then contact with the BM will be less and less..until the baby has his birthdays..well..we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I know SD has a VERY sick loyalty issue to her mother..it's very toxic and I see a young lady that has hardly any female friends to hang out with..just hangs out with her mom.
So many things make me leery of their relationship...BM went around about 3 months ago telling everyone that my SD's fiance beat her..when he did not. Almost ruined the young man's life. Yet, the fiance is stepping into a marriage with my SD. And just as of last week, the fiance confided in my SH that he was getting the impression that SD was being sneaky..that he felt she was talking to men behind his back.
I plan on being civil at the wedding and reception..I do NOT wish to be alone with the BM for any other reason. And that's honestly how I feel. She has proven how much of a liar she is..and trouble starter.
SD is so much like her mother when she doesn't get her way..last weekend, after telling my DH how terrible he was and how miserable he makes everyone..and threatening to never let him see his newborn grandson ever again...I'm very out of sorts with her. He is my husband and I don't appreciate her attacking him over the MANY lies she told last week..all he did was to confront her and it got very ugly real fast. It got so ugly that he said he was done with her..his own daughter. Now..I knew he didn't mean it...but when he sees her mother in his daughter, it bothers him. This is exactly how hurtful his ex was to him..he almost cried for how heartless and mean she became with him last week.
I almost feel I'm obsessing over this crap..lol...making me wonder why I get put in so many uncomfortable spots. But I guess if they want to keep digging that knife..this would be occasion to do it.
I don't think you're wrong.
I don't think you're wrong. Attend the things you feel comfortable attending. It's your time after all. Weddings are so overrated, probably if SD has inherited anything from her BM, you'll get to attend a divorce party in a few years
Thanks ladies..I SO
Thanks ladies..I SO appreciate all the feedback.
It's really starting to become a very overwhelming thing to me..this upcoming weekend. I'm damned if I go..damned if I don't go. To have my own DH's family tell me I have a huge knife in my back really has kept me leery of my SD in the BIGGEST way.
I WISH things were different..I wish that BM had actually shown our marriage respect..I wish she had not tried for so long to make our marriage have problems..I wish my SD did not dislike me..but I can't change how things have become. I can't keep chasing after what I feel is just not there..right now. Maybe years from now my SD will look back and somehow realize how far she's pushed me away. How far apart I feel from her due to her lies on me. When she lied about me 2 months ago, it was over the death of someone in her family. A DEATH. Made me out to be cold and heartless..my SIL was VERY close to this family member and my SD told her lies on me pertaining to this family member. And that started a huge war that could have turned ugly if my SIL had not had the balls to tell me..it could have spread like wildfire and my DH's family would have had a hard time being around me. If I had not had that ONE chance to squelch it then and there..I would have been seen in a whole new light by the family.
I'm just very confused about all this..you all just ever get to a point where you just wish it would all go away?
Skidsmimi..you just hit the
Skidsmimi..you just hit the nail on the head..EXACTLY. You worded how I feel to a 'T'.
I have been made to feel I'm not a good person unless I'm on their level or playground of some sort.
But damn it..I AM!!
I really am!! You are so right.
I used to feel so comfortable in my skin in this relationship with my husband..then every time I turned around the BM was and IS thrown in my face. SD asked her to spend Thanksgiving with us so her mom wouldn't be alone..has asked us to allow the BM to come down and spend the day at our house..and every time we got a nasty or out of line text/email/phone call, SD defended her mother at all costs. Her mother would NEVER act that way. I was made to feel that just because my DH and BM had kids together that it made it okay to do the stuff she did. And that it was ALLOWED because she had 'done it in the past'.
See - my DH had a few relationships after he divorced his ex. Not anything too rewarding..for as you can see, he and I got together
...but for whoever he had been seeing before, the BM AND my SD would call these women, show up at their homes..and do anything to destroy his relationship with them. Now - I come along..I don't kiss either one's ass..I don't chase after them to make me like them..and her mother and I are EXACT opposites. I haven't taken BM's crap like the other women did..I am here to stay and I have made that remark more than once. THIS is why I am so talked about..I'm sure the BOTH of them are used to getting their way with DADDY because they did for soooooooo long..and how dare I come along and break that little dance up?
Anyway..thanks.
If you are not so close to SD
If you are not so close to SD no need to go to the party BM is throwing, if DH WANTS you at the dinner then I say go, no need for the salon if you're not in the wedding party, and then it would be nice of you to go to the wedding. I forsee the bachelorette party and salon treatment just a way for BM to feel good about making you feel left out of their "circle" so don't torture yourself!
Also ladies...and tell me if
Also ladies...and tell me if I'm making sense here..
I am TIRED of being made to feel I am somehow letting my DH down..that if I don't do what SD and BM feel I should do, I'm letting him down somewhat. I'm just tired of taking it on the chin.
One thing my DH can rest assured in is that my ex is nowhere in the picture..and unless he changes real quick, won't be for along time. He abandoned our daughter 5 years ago and never looked back. He does not have ANY drama from my ex..nor my daughter. So he would have no idea of how I feel when it comes to being married to someone who has a child that throws their parent in his face..and pushes you to be with that parent..it's uncomfortable.
I noticed that ALOT here lately SD has been bringing up MORE and MORE cute little stories of her mother and father..places they went, places they saw..restaurants they went to..holidays..vacations..and sometimes says 'Mom and I were talking about..." and it's usually a story of something the 2 of them might have shared special that I would have no idea of knowing anything about..unless SD vividly told of how DH and BM were so close. Even went as far to tell a story of how DH lost his wedding ring one time and how upset BM had been ..how much it had meant to her. DH has gotten to a point where he really looks uncomfortable and has begun to answer her back with nothing but "Uh..that was a long time ago..."
Thoughts?
I would not answer or
I would not answer or explain, just show up at the events you want to. They are definitely trying to play games with you, so heck, to me if you don't even go to the ceremony I wouldn't blame you!
I would rather stay home with my dog than spend my only life with a bunch of b*tches who dislike me!!! Who cares what they would think or say if you did?!!!!!
DH may even be relieved, and have an excuse to leave early himself!! Do not be pressured into being untrue to yourself honey.
Another thought..I didn't
Another thought..I didn't marry my husband with the expectation of his ex wife sharing holidays with us..because the SD feels it should be. I didn't have a picture in my head that when the holidays roll around I'm going to have pictures to remember with her in them.
I do not wish to have the constant reminder of this woman in my life. I'm tired of being made to feel we have to be one big happy family..we are NOT a family. BM is NOT family anymore. She is simply the kids' mother. She's had so much power for years..and even DH's family agrees..if he had put his foot down years ago..this would not even be an issue today.
I just refuse to have a 3rd person sharing my life with my husband..it sounds sick and twisted.
When my daughter got married,
When my daughter got married, she invited sm to all the events you listed because to leave her out would be just plain rude. But I made sure to give her space and respect and time with my daughter but I was cordial and friendly. I realized she was more uncomfortable than I was, but we tried to make her feel as welcome. My daughter also invited sm's parents and included them in the seating, and flowers, etc. THe wedding turned out nice and everyone seemed to have a good time.
I'd go for the daughter.
i would go to the rehearsal
i would go to the rehearsal dinner, wedding and reception with your dh and thats it. nothing more. bm and sd need no other explanation or excuse- it sounds like you going to the salon is an opportunity for them to open up drama. no way, dont even open that door. and if dh asks why you arent going to these things, simply say "bm and sd should spend that time together" and leave it be.
Thanks everyone..I've just
Thanks everyone..I've just been really heavily thinking this stuff over today. I'm just so tired of being made to feel that what I feel and think doesn't matter - it's what the SD thinks.
DH asked me about the bachlorette party..asked if I was going. Said his daughter was asking him about it. I asked him back if he truly wanted his wife hanging out with his ex wife in bars..around alcohol. Asked him if he wanted me to hang out with the very woman he claims he loathes..regardless of this being for SD's sake. Possibly wanting to catch me in something..ANYTHING..to make me look bad to my husband and his family. Maybe I possibly drink too much..maybe a guy comes on to me..anything they can create drama about. Any minor detail they can use to try to drag me down further to her level.
I then told him I thought he had more respect for me..thought he knew me better than that.
Also..if his daughter was so gung ho on me coming, she would NOT have started the lie on me she did less than 2 months ago. I really hope he understands the kind of light that could have put me in with his family if that had been believed...I believe his daughter to be angry with me for being with her dad and would stoop to any level to prove me unfit as a person. And the BM just looks for ways to stab me in the back further.
I can NEVER see myself hanging out at dinner..lunch..a bachlorette party..a beauty salon..with the BM without my husband.
What would the reason be?
All this drama has me wishing this weekend were already over. I'm so tied of being made to feel that I need to do the 'right' thing. I'll be glad when Monday's here.
Exactly! My thoughts exactly.
Exactly! My thoughts exactly. I have told him that I do what feels comfortable to me and these 'plans' are not comfortable for me. I also told him quite loudly that I would never expect him to hang out with my ex if he chose not to. All he would have to do is say he was not wanting to and I would be done.
And why? Because I would UNDERSTAND. It's a little thing called understanding.
He hasn't flipped out on me, but has stated that I should feel 'honored' because SD invited me to the beauty salon. Yes she did..but with her mother. Which I feel is THEIR time. Why would I want to share time with a woman that clearly hates me?? I am having my hair cut and highlighted tomorrow night for the wedding and I am pulling it up the day of the wedding. I am NOT going to any other expense for my hair and SD knows this.
SD has been distant with me for a long, long time..and finding her thoughts on Facebook on how she knows I took her father away and she lost her daddy really hurt. But it told me why she has been growing away from me. Add to that is her mother making it 10 times worse and I'm pretty much done for. I can't win for losing with these 2 women and I'm done trying.
I am just not going to be told what to do in this case. Simply put.
I'm with most of the
I'm with most of the replies...do not go to anything without DH. I would take the opportunity to go to a local spa and get mani/pedi (thanks for the invite, but I will be going somewhere more local to me). Get a gorgeous-yet appropriate-dress and knock 'em dead at the wedding. Be sweet on the big day, but give most of your attention to DH...he will probably need it!!
Thanks everyone - the day is
Thanks everyone - the day is coming close. The wedding will soon be here. I live in Texas so I hear it's gonna be a hot one for October so I hope the nice weather makes me in a good mood that day!!
Most of my DH's family members are not too anxious about this wedding..in fact, I just got told by my SIL that the reason I'm being invited to the beauty salon is so I'll pay for it all. For everyone going - plus my SD to get extensions it is gonna cost about $400 or more. Well...sorry! I knew there was a motive behind it. I also found out my MIL gave her $$ for the wedding and some of it was given to her mother who is always 'down and out'. Not for the wedding..but just given to her.
I can see SD is all about the money..lol. And she is that way due to her mother being that way.
All I can imagine right now is that fight that DH and her had less than 2 weeks ago..how horrible she said he was and he made her miserable..and he was never going to see his grandson again. And now - her wedding is this weekend and I get to watch him walk her down the aisle portraying the proud father. If anyone only knew the drama that surrounds this kid..they'd laugh at that scene..I know I'm going to have a chuckle inside..lol!
'Cause not 2 weeks ago was this blushing bride about to cut her father out of her life due to him calling her out on her horrendous lies - and he called her out very loudly! She didn't like it and was ready to dismiss him from her life. And her grandson's.
Amazing... :sick:
I will be thinking of all of
I will be thinking of all of you here!! How I have to sit thru a wedding with the BM present and all her glory!! And to sit in pride of how I'm with my husband - and she's not!! LOL! I'm sure it's hurtful to her being she thinks her and my DH are such good friends and all..she's still stinging from our marriage and now their daughter is getting married and she has to sit with the guy she's with - the one she cheats on repeatedly. And treats like shit! And thing is - he's a GREAT guy! Has to be nuts to be with her though...:)
Thanks ladies for all the feedback!! I'll be checking back in!
New Beginning - if anyone -SD
New Beginning - if anyone -SD or BM ask you why you didn't go, just say to them - "I didn't go, because I know this is a special day for you and for BM, and while I appreciate the invitation, I just felt that I would be intruding. I just thought that you and your mom would like this special time alone."
And leave it at that. They can't fault you for that.
Stay strong girl. You will look beautiful, and DH's family is on your side.
Check back in. WE will be thinking of you. And don't forget to have that drink for us!
Be careful - if you go, you
Be careful - if you go, you are stuck - for the entire weekend. It isn't like it is down the street, but 1 1/2 hour away - so that is a serious committment. And it pretty much burns the whole weekend - and there are only a limited number of those.
Listen - I'm a guy, noncustodial SD for 2 stepsons 8 and 4, and SD 17. You really don't have an obligation to go to any of it, especially if you are uncomfortable. Blood is thicker than a marriage certificate, and your DH is the only person you are related to. Remember, it isn't just the BM, it is EVERYONE in BM and SD's family that is going to question your presence there, and question your motives - and believe me, no one will think you are "doing it for the daughter".
I have no intention of going to the weddings or whatever for any of my stepchildren, and we have a reasonable relationship. Disengaging is the best thing I have done for all of us.
Consider the Wedding itself, but that's it - and that is only to support your husband, NOT the SD. Your husband can stay for the reception, and go to the rehearsal dinner. Those events are really for family only, especially the rehearsal dinner.
Considering how she treats you - I would view this weekend as "DH-free"! Do what you want!
Well well. So you are going
Well well. So you are going to be left to pay the bill at the salon.
I wonder what your DH says about his daughter inviting his ex to holidays? Did she turn up?
I think it is time to remind your DH who he is married to. And his daughter will have another family to consider ... her new husbands family. So the invites will stop.
I like the idea of the scrapbook. actually give her 3. One for her (choke) memories of her mother and father, one for her baby and one for her new life with her new husband.
Step back. Be polite. Tell your DH that bachelorette parties for women who have babies with the STB groom is like closing the barn door after the horse has bolted. So you cannot really attend.
It sounds like your husbands family are fond of you, maybe even love you! So hang out with them. Keep your distance from the bride and her toxic sludge mother.
And if all else fails, pretend you are an actress in a soap opera and we are all around you keeping you safe from the toxic waste.
Seriously though, stop feeling guilty. You have done nothing wrong except loosen the grip they had on his genitals. One way to further loosen the grip is to make your husbnads life perfectly normal. He will love you for it and see his daughter and ex for what they are.
Does anyone else find it
Does anyone else find it strange that the BM is hosting the bachelorette party in the first place? Who wants a bach party with their mom and stepmom? That sounds awkward, not fun...
Anyway - What I would do is: come up with a logical reason as to why you cannot attend the bach party (already made arrangements to come into town and it just don't work, etc.) but wish her a good time. Go to rehearsal dinner, wedding, and reception and do your best to have a good time. I would tell her you have already made arrangements to have your hair done but it was very thoughtful of them to include you and this way they can enjoy some special mother/daughter time.
I believe her mother is
I believe her mother is having the bachelorette party because I don't think my SD has many female friends honestly. My DH's family never mentioned it due to all us of being scattered over Texas. There was no way I could have done it living an hour and a half away and I couldn't tell you 1 female friend my SD has - besides her mother.
I see a very sick relationship between them...very odd.
Wanna know how odd? My SD had a crush on a guy last year..he was 22. So did BM - a crush on this guy. My SD saw him on the side for a while..and so did BM. In fact, BM and this guy videotaped themselves having sex and sent it to SD to show they were seeing each other. And all the while BM was seeing the guy she's with now! And he just acted like he didn't know it. BM and SD got into a catfight over the 22 year old.
So to me - it's not surprising her mother is throwing the party..lol. It's the type of relationship they have with one another. It's like they are friends and they go thru spurts where they are furious with each other - then a week later they are together again.
One time my SD came down just furious with her mother. Know why she was mad? Her mother went and got herself colored contacts..SD had wanted money and her mother said she couldn't help her out due to buying herself the contacts. SD blew up and said her mother was more worried about her vanity than giving SD money when she needs it. You would have thought that her mother had really done some major damage..but contacts???
Whatever.
VERY odd relationship there. Jealousy between the two of them that really makes you go hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... :sick:
I'm still reeling over the
I'm still reeling over the mom sleeping with the SD's boyfriend - and sending her a videotape of it!
That's got to be one of the MOST F*CKED UP THINGS I have ever read on this website. Seriously.
Sorry NewBeginnings... The BM in your case has really surprised me!! Dare I say - she's one of the worst??