Stomach is turning- nervous about talk with ss this weekend!
Ok, as some of you my remember, about a moth ago dh found a video on ss12 phone where he was repeatedly hitting ds4. You gave me great advice on how to handle aand what to say to ss. I know most advised to talk with ss right then which we didn't. It isn't a conversation we wanted to do over the phone and we live 2 hours away from SSS. Ss last visit with dh occurred in ss town and te kids and I didn't go. So ss is coming in tonight and my stomach is doing somersaults! Idk why I'm nervous. I think mostly because I'm afraid he'll go crying to bm and it'll be this big dramatic ordeal. As of now we rarely hear from bm so it makes things bearable.
So, that is where I am. I'm planning on talking to him tomorrow since by the time he comes in tonight I'll prob be asleep. Oh, and I have to do the talking because dh is a chicken when it comes to ss. He doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' but yet still agrees he needs discipline. Whatever. Disengaging was great while it lasted! Now I have to step in to protect my kiddo. I'm just worried it will start something more. Any advice? If you pray, say a prayer for me please!
Dh is backing me up. He'll
Dh is backing me up. He'll add in a "This is serious, son" or "we're not kidding". Then he'll gain a little confidence and say his two cents. He just doesn't know how ro start or what to say at first and would rather I do it. I normally wouldn't but this is MY kid getting hurt (really ours, but I'm a bit of a mother bear right now!). Yeah, I wish dh would've taken care of it but he's such a chicken. And if I would've made him take care of it I'm sure t would've been something like "son you have to stop picking on yor brother. You are olderthan him." ss cries. Dh gets quiet and nothing more is said. And that is why it is up to me. Yuck!
I would sit the boy down and
I would sit the boy down and make sure you tell him. ... "Now if this gets back to your mother and you tell her about this dicussion we will have to take this situation to the authroities. You know what you did was wrong, you will never think of doing this again or I will be on the phone to the authorities before you can blink. Or maybe I can get some guy who is 20 to come over and beat you up? You are 8 yrs older than *name*. My 20 yr old friend would be 8 yrs older than you. Would you like some 20 yr old to video himself beating you up? 3 guesses who will win THAT one."
Practice phrases to catch his attention.
Yeah, I don't know if I want
Yeah, I don't know if I want him to feel threatned becausei think THAT will make him tell bm. But I was thinking about telling him that if he tells his mom that I will be 'forced' to show her the video too. That we would just keep it between us unless he says something to her. But I do like your idea about having to tell authorities. And I will compare what he did to ds like a 20 year old beating up a 12 yo. Good point!
I would say let the whole
I would say let the whole world know exactly what ss12 did. He needs to know that what he did is wrong and must pay the consequences. Everybody needs to knows especialy BM. Normally the BD should take control of this but it involves your son, so you need to protect your son from all harm. If you don't SS12 will get even worst. Then he will be beating up on the family pets, then they move on to bigger prey. So show the video and punish him accordingly and do him a favor before it gets out of control.
I know it may stir up a can a
I know it may stir up a can a worms, but I think BM should be told and showed the video. I just would want to get it out of the way. This is serious and if he doesn't get the message, it could get worse. I admire your control of not going over to his house and stomping his a$$ after you saw the video. I would have been driving at high rates of speed to get to the little moron.
We have a violent ss towards
We have a violent ss towards both his siblings here and at BM's house. I don't know if BM in your situation has other children, but she should know what ss has done just in case. I will add though - if she won't care then don't bother.
I read your post with dread as I am waiting for something like that to happen here when ss gets a bit older.
We have found at the moment that ss knowing that his behaviour is communicated through both houses is working because he knows his behaviour is wrong - and gets embarrassed that his dad will find out the trully awful things he does to his sister at BM's house.
Just make sure you watch him with your kids after this - i didn't read your earlier post, but who knows how long this behaviour has gone on - and he might try to take out his getting in trouble on your child.
My ss is not allowed in the same room alone as my bk's at any time. He knows it and we make sure it is enforced as in our case every time we have thought ss has been good with the bk's and leave him alone with them - oone of them will end up being hurt by him.
So getting it out so he knows your onto him is great, but then you will need to just watch him!
See, I don't think bm would
See, I don't think bm would care. Yeah, she has another kid at home that is young too- 2yo I think? I KNOW he has to pick on her too but I don't think it is as bad. He doesn't pick on dd5 muh either other than ocasional teasing (still unacceptable) but nothing physical. And yeah, dd would tell me if he did. The thing is that ss started saying he 'doesn't have to put up with that' if ds does annoy r pick on ss. Yeah we stop ds if he starts it. But ss tends to aggravate ds on purpose to get ds riled up. Which is what the video shows. Anyway, the phrase was so not ss lengo and we know someone fed him that line...prob bm. So if she already is feeding him that I don't think she'll be accepting of any negative info we have about ss. So that is why I want to keep her out. She won't be helpful here.
I have told dh before that I don't want ss alone with the bios. He thought that was extreme but hearing someone else suggest it I might go ahead with that idea.
We had to really crack down
We had to really crack down on it because my bk's are only 3 and 18months - and when I first realised what was happening my eldest was only 18months old and ss was hitting him with with things in the face - always directed at the face. That's when the bm told us what was happening at her house to her bk. I just heard the things he was doing at home (she didn't bother to inform us when we had a baby!) I just had to put my foot down, because ss could literally have caused severe injury to my bk if he did the things he was doing to his older sibling at bm's house.
I don't think it's extreme - although someone suggested to me getting a nanny-cam - but it was really only for use because my ss just denies doing anything. Even when you say - I watched you do this - nope he didn't do it. What can you say to that???
But definitely watch him! And I don't think a trial period would hurt if your partner thinks it's extreme.
Good luck!
Make it clear to the boy that
Make it clear to the boy that you have never been this angry and he does not want to see what happens if this happens again. Explain the concept of how the Grizzley Bear protects her young and explain why you are the human form.
Yeah, we have 3 together. Dh
Yeah, we have 3 together. Dh does back me. Just chicken when it comes to initiating anything. He always wants me to take care of things. I used to years ago. Stopped recently when ss started visiting again. I let dh discipline and handle the talks. This time though I want ss to know how serious it is and if dh handles it then ss won't get it. I don't Allow bios to fight either. Funny thing is that ss hasn't been around them in a month and the fighting, namecalling, teasing has slowed down BIG time here. He has just been such a bad influence.
So true! DH HAS to be the
So true! DH HAS to be the one to do it! He's the parental authority - you can add in your tuppence worth as well, but DH has to be the one taking the bull by the horns.
He won't is the problem.
He won't is the problem. He'll say he'll takecare of it and won't. I can try to get him to but I know him and he's too chicken.