Arguing with DH about all things SS related
So I'm gonna say it. Our lives were happier and our marriage was really at a high point during the time SS wasn't visiting. Dh was admitedly fine just paying cs (it was a reasonable amount) and not having to deal with bm and not dealing wih SS attitude. Our family was growing, we were enjoying our life and I just found out I was pregnant again! Life was good. Then bm got greedy. Wanted more money. Dh even tried making a 'deal' with her. She wanted more money and dh to have less time. Dh wanted things the same, same cs amount & he wouldn't hassle her for more time. Yeah, I know it sounds bad of dh, but it is what it is. We were just happy! But no...bm wanted what she wanted. She got a little more money, but dh got his time.
At first dh was excited about it. Now it is wearing him out- driving 4 hours roundtrip for every other Friday pickup hen again another 4hr drive for Sunday dropoff. Every 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend. Oh, how I can't stand those 5th weekends! They mean that we have SS two weekends in a row because the 1st weekend is after the 5th...Anyway, so slowly things between dh have started to get more tense. All little things i'e posted about on here but it is adding up and taking its toll on our relationship.
A few things lately:
- he feels guilty that we went on a trip without SS. My point is that SS has 2 lives. There are things he gets and gets to do that our bios don't get or get to do. It will never be equal. If he feels so guilty then h should feel guilty about the things ss gets that our bios don't. Whatever.
- he never used to be Disney dad but he is starting that crap. Wants to take ss (only) out places- movies, out to eat, etc. It usually doesn't happen but there have been times where dh goes to town where ss lives, stays with mil & takes ss out to fun places. Usually I agree if we have money AND he takes bios too.
- the problem with spending money on ss is an issue for me. Most often dh complains how broke we are and we have a budget set for a week or so. So I'm in charge of stretching the money til payday. Meaning I have to figure out groceries, gas and whatever else on this amount. Then if it is ss visit, dh spends money on buying ss something & leaves me cutting our remainder of the budget and figuring out what necessities to cut off our grocery list that week. Seriously. This weekend dh walks in with ss wearing a new jersey/helmet set. It costs $40. Yet my car was on empty and the baby was out of diapers, we had no groceries at home but ss was happy.
- then we know when ss is visiting. Sometimes things come up and we have plans to do something else yet still keep the visit with ss. Dh used to ALWAYS leave ss with mil with no problems. When we were dating there were times I didn't even know dh had ss for the weekend because he'd drop him off with mil and not mention anything til Sunday when he'd leave my apt to take ss home. Now all o a sudden dh feels guilty for leaving him with mil for a few hours when he used to do it for an entire weekend?! We don't get date nights often and we had one planned for this weekend. But no, last minute dh wants to cancel.
So I'm getting tired of it. Dh says I need to deal with it because it is court ordered. And he is right. If visitation wasn't enforced then dh wouldn't be getting ss this frequently. We both know the only reason he is faithful to the schedule is because he'd be in contempt if he broke it. In fact, dh could have gotten a once a month schedule instead but opted against it because it would mean we'd have him longer in the summer plus have every holiday with him instead of alternating them with bm like we do now.
On top of it all, dh says I need to change my attitude. Really?! He's also tired of these eow visits with his own son yet I need to change?! Maybe so. But if he doesn't want these visits to happen, why should I?
I think it's time to step
I think it's time to step back a bit and let your DH handle all things SS related. Disengage, as others have called it. I think you're starting to resent him, and that maybe DH is trying to overcompensate. Give it a shot this weekend, find something else to occupy you and the other kids, and let your DH spend time alone with SS. That doesn't mean spending a bunch of money that you don't have, but maybe watching movies on TV, or playing frisbee at the park. Let DH cook, clean, and entertain him this weekend, while you and the other kids do something else.
That is part of the problem.
That is part of the problem. If I let dh handle it all that is when he spends. Each time dh has stayed with mil during ss visitation, my bios and I have stayed home. Then he becomes Disney dad and spends money, takes ss to the fair/movies/events, takes him out to eat every meal and buys him stuff. This weekend the bios and I are actually going to visit my parents. There is an event that I am attending. Idk if dh and ss are going to meet us there or stay home.
I do let dh handle all things ss, but when it affects me and/or bios (our kids) then I get irritated. Especially when he'd raher buy ss a $40 jersey than buy our baby diapers. And yeah, I do resent ss. I dread his visits. But then again dh doesn't always look forward to them either.
Thanks! It's been almost a
Thanks! It's been almost a year since he started coming again. Instead of things getting better they are just getting worse. I feel bad for feeling the way I do but I can't help it. I do feel sorry for the kid, but my pity for him doesn't outweigh my feelings toward my bios! Oh, and new development is that dh is going to have to work Saturdays for a while. That means he'll be with me and kids all day Saturdays. It was much easier to disengage when dh is here. Now I'll have to deal with him all day... Grrr.
Ha ha!! Thanks for that
Ha ha!! Thanks for that laugh!!
I agree Tx mom your dh needs
I agree Tx mom your dh needs to stop spending the money! This is what I did and my dh realized that he was spending too much money. This is before we separated our money. I kept a log of what was spent on what for a whole month and at the end of that month I added it all up and did a % of what was spent on just the skids and it was a lot as dh thought he HAD to take them out for everything and buy them everything. Once I showed him how much he was spending the % of the entire budget for the month he couldn't believe he spent that much. It was like 40%!!! He even got upset with me one time at the mall b/c I seen a sale on clothing for my dd for school and bought them as that was the last day and they were about to close and I didn't want to spend money on a $30 stuffed animal for the skids a piece that was a 1/3 of my budget for my kids school cloths.
Anyway my point is to put it in writing and hand it to him and then go a step further if he still doesn;t get it is to give him a bill of the money he spent on ss that he didn't need to! Tell him that in order for you pay the bills and food and stuff for the month you need that amount of money back to do so.
I agree about the $. You
I agree about the $. You know, if he wants to take his son and spend some time with him, that wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me. But we have a finite amount of entertainment money set aside for the adults out of each paycheck, and a finite amount for the kids, and it's usually for a group activity. Not for one person.
He may not realize he's spending that much on the kid. You might need to keep a ledger of it from now on. Or do what I do. Make it clear that the SS can do what the rest of us are doing. Stay home and watch movies, play video games, sled down the big hill, build a fort, roast marshmallows, but it's not going to be a $100 outing.
DH used to nickel and dime us to death. And by us, I mean I paid everything and he pissed away at least what he made (he's not ambitious and makes about 1/10th of what I do, which I don't care about, but I'm a saver, not a spender!) So I told him what his portion of household bills was going to be, and deducted that right off the top, then threw in his part of groceries, his gas, and household bills that are just because of him (I'm certainly not the one burning up the XBox LIVE, now am I?) then put a set amount in his saving account for when he breaks stuff (like his truck, for example, that he recently backed into my sister's brand new rig, for which we had to pay a deductable for his repair), and he can piss away the rest. Which isn't much. If he wants more, he can get a better job, but I'm sick of being responsible for making everything work while he plays. It's not the cash, it's the point.