Arghhhh......I can't deal with this
So I got what I want….DH is taking SS16 for a long overdue Asperger’s eval. Now, I am sick to my stomach. It was one thing when I and everyone else just thought the kid had it but now having an actual diagnosis is beginning to freak me out. Because now things change…DH has always been in denial about the kid’s really strange behaviors and he always has an excuse. Knowing DH, this are going to get worse. Like my therapist said….he does save baby birds (true) but they control his life (also true). The kid has already been controlling our lives.
I really don’t understand why it is ok for BM to leave the picture. BUT I am EXPECTED to deal with this? I could understand if this was my kid…..but I made the choice not to have kids. I told DH I want BM to get involved….after all she still gets her monthly CS paycheck. This is more her problem than mine!!!! She gets out of work early enough that she can get him from school and take him to the dr’s, therapist and whatever else they will be having him do. I’m just sick…..since we got the 5-2-5 deal and then BM dumped the kid on us in Feb……this kid has controlled my life!!! Because of driving I couldn’t work a full time job (DH has a really good job, it is unreasonable and impossible for him to do the drive). Even working part-time was difficult. We decided I shouldn’t work. I went to school for time…mainly on-line because its easier with his schedule. Then I have to deal with the appointments. Then DH bitches when I say I want to join the gym or go do something…..because everything I do has to be around this kid. Now, its only going to get worse and I am really scared that this is what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life…..dealing with this kid. I’m totally freaking out….the kid is almost 17……he will legally be an adult in less than 2 years……I didn’t sign up to be a caretaker of a special needs adult. I don’t know what I am going to do.
This has gotten worse than yesterday…..I know its going to get worse before it gets better…..but I don’t know how much I can deal with…..I have been hanging on by a thread for a long time as it is.
Here's the thing; when you
Here's the thing; when you married a man with kids, you automatically "decided" to have children. It's a package deal and it's definitely something that a lot of people don't realize until after the fact. That being said, it is NOT okay for you to have to put up with disrespect.... EVER. Not from anyone and especially not from some punk-ass kid with an attitude problem. If you are going to be held accountable for his care, then you are the parent too and both SS and husband better damn well recognize it. It's just as much your house as it is your husband's. The one person's house it's not is your SS's. He is a guest in his parents' home and it's a privilege NOT a right for him to be granted access to it.
P.S. - we also believe my daughter (adopted not bio - I don't have any bio children but consider the girls to be mine too) has Asperger's. We are in the process of getting her evaluated....
Oops, accidentally double
Oops, accidentally double posted!
Well Maux, what can I say...
Well Maux, what can I say... It's too bad that you feel that way, however, that is your opinion and this is my opinion. I am simply stating that, while we might not have signed up for this particular situation, we DID know that there was a past associated with our significant others. Any time children (young or older) are involved, there's ALWAYS a possibility of something like this occurring. I am not telling you that you should not feel the way you feel, you have EVERY RIGHT to feel that way. I am simply giving some input and possibly a different perspective. Just like you did. Whether you see it that way or not, it is something that I have to tell myself every time BM pulls some of her stunts and/or SS gets out of control on his visits.
Please understand that, while we are all here for a common reason, we may have differing views on some things and you cannot dictate to others how you wish for them to respond. The point I made was a valid one, not an attempt to be hurtful. If you read the rest of the post, instead of taking offense so quickly, you would see that it is in fact a show of support for her. Don't be so quick to judge based on one sentence because you might just miss something significant, like the entire point.
yes we knew they had children
yes we knew they had children but we most certainly did not know the severe issues that were going to come along with the whole package. bm never showed up with a big old sign saying "by the way, i dont really care to be a parent, so go ahead and spend your money and your time on the kids i had and refuse to pay child support for. oh, and when i want to see the kids, i will pas them against you and dh so i get to see them at my convenience." the skids never held up signs saying "we're going to be cool when you and dh are dating, but when you move in together and we dont like not having dh all to ourselves, we're going to manipulate him against you so we get our way." and yeah dh, he never showed one iota of just how much he was going to guilty parent and continue to cycle of just giving the skids what they want so they dont run off to bm's. no-one told me these things, they developed over time, therefore, NO, absolutely NOT do we know what we are getting into.
*rant over*
I could not agree more!!!!
I could not agree more!!!!
Maux, you are RIGHT....I did
Maux, you are RIGHT....I did not know all of this!!! If I did I would have ran like hell! So much changed since I first meet DH. His ex wasn't diagnosed with Bipolar until 18 months AFTER I met him. Honestly.....if I knew that up front...that might have changed things ALOT. MY EX IS BIPOLAR....that's why I left him. I didn't want to deal that...why would I go into in relationship with someone with a Bipolar EX? You never know what they are going to do. That alone changed alot.
I never thought for one second that BM would bow out of her kid's life. That is not what a mother does. My mom was always there for me. My friends, married and single parents are always there for their kids. Why would I even think that this mother wouldn't be there for her child? I admit, I was pretty stupid to think that but I could only go one what I knew. Mothers are there for their children. I had no clue she was going to dump the kid on us.
I ws seeing my DH for almost a year before I met the kid. They had an agreement that they would not introduce the child to people they were dating. When I met the kid, he might as spat nails at me. BM told him lots of things about me. At first,BM was putting him up to doing things and the kid wished I would go away...so I excused his behavior. I soon noticed it was a little bit more than that.
I am just finding out AFTER almost NINE years what I got into. Even with the Asperger's for some reason I thought because they are high functioning, they go on an lead "normal" lives. Bill Gates, has Asperger's and look at him. Yeah, I have been on the forums and reading what this people write about no being able to hold down a job etc....but its a bit different when you are sitting there in a dr's office being told this.
I don't think anyone knows what they are getting into. I really think say "you know what you got into" does apply here. You buy a rabid junk-yard dog.....you know what you got into. You get married/inolved with someone who has kids....you never know. You never know with your own kids!!! My friend's daughter was an angel, she is now 19 and she is a feaking demon. No offensive, I think telling anyone that "you know what you got into" is pretty ignorant (unless it involves snakes, wild animals. rabid animals etc).
Those were NEVER my
Those were NEVER my words...NOT even CLOSE. Please re-read my posts and tell me where I said that you "knew what you signed up for". I never once stated that and am in no way, shape or form "ignorant". The only time those words were even uttered was Maux's misinterpretation of my entire post. In fact, I am fairly certain that I said the exact opposite. Please see below:
Post#1
It's a package deal and it's definitely something that a lot of people don't realize until after the fact. That being said, it is NOT okay for you to have to put up with disrespect.... EVER. Not from anyone and especially not from some punk-ass kid with an attitude problem. If you are going to be held accountable for his care, then you are the parent too and both SS and husband better damn well recognize it. It's just as much your house as it is your husband's. The one person's house it's not is your SS's. He is a guest in his parents' home and it's a privilege NOT a right for him to be granted access to it.
P.S. - we also believe my daughter (adopted not bio - I don't have any bio children but consider the girls to be mine too) has Asperger's. We are in the process of getting her evaluated....
Post #2
I am simply stating that, while we might not have signed up for this particular situation, we DID know that there was a past associated with our significant others. Any time children (young or older) are involved, there's ALWAYS a possibility of something like this occurring. I am not telling you that you should not feel the way you feel, you have EVERY RIGHT to feel that way. I am simply giving some input and possibly a different perspective. Just like you did. Whether you see it that way or not, it is something that I have to tell myself every time BM pulls some of her stunts and/or SS gets out of control on his visits.
Mine too! The thing that I
Mine too! The thing that I don't get is that we were actual people prior to this relationship and because YOU have a child we are expected to give that up? Donthinkso. :O
Um, if BM is still getting CS
Um, if BM is still getting CS and has changed the custody arrangements then it's time to redo the parenting plan/custody arrangement. Granted, it won't solve all of your problems, but for crying out loud she certainly shouldn't be getting money for a child she's not parenting.
I really feel sorry for this
I really feel sorry for this kid. It's not his fault he has issues that have not been acknowledged until now. It's also not his fault he has two crap parents, and a stepmother who can't stand him. He has no one in his corner. At all. And THAT is what really stinks.
The three adults in this situation all have choices. HE does not.
Excuse me
Excuse me girlfriend.....where do you get off saying this kid has no one in his corner???? It was ME....the evil stepmonster that convinced his father he needed therapy...it was also ME.....that convinced his father it had to go further.
So there is someone in his corner.
I actually have been
I actually have been following this "story" for a while. And I'm sorry, vents or not, some of what I've read has been appalling. I'll go back to lurking now.
You are better off lurking.
You are better off lurking.
You can't judge people you
You can't judge people you don't know and only hear (read) parts of their story! It's absurd really to be arguing about OP blog. It is what it is! It's a site for VENTING...duh?! Sometimes we say things we don't mean when we VENT, this is suppose to be a place where we can say things without someone climbing up our rears and making us feel like we are the "bad" "uncoopperative" "uncaring" "unloving" step parent, when actually most of us on this site have good intensions and have tried (again, from the "stories" blog postings)and find defeat at every step. Whether because we don't have the support of SO or because the skids or because of BM or because the skiy is blue and the oceans run deep. For whatever reason we are here (on this site and in our relationship) because we CARE!!!!!
If we didn't care and we weren't CONCERNED we would not have searched Google and most def not login and started blogging.
I'm speak for me personally, I have never ever blogged before STalk. I've always been a journal kind of a person, but because of a mjor issue that occured with SD11 and 6 I Googled my issue and found STalk (thank goodness!.
If I didn't care or wasn't very very concerned, for both SD11 and 6 why would have ever made the first step and seek help from somewhere, anywhere?!
I think most of us here are here because we care and we need to start addressing people on this site with that in mind first and ask questions if we need to get more information to HELP!!!
Afterall, most of us already feel like crap because we beat ourselves up (I know I do) about things that we wish we could change.
Thank you....that woman
Thank you....that woman pissed me off. The therapist has told me several times that I do more for my SS than the normal SM or BM does...this woman has a lot of nerve. You are sooooo right we are here to VENT!!!! I have a feeling she isn't a SM.....if BM were doing their job we wouldn't need to vent!!!!!!!!!
Timtogiveup - check out my
Timtogiveup - check out my reply right beneath yours here - I think she is a BM as well!
You're welcome! and in case
You're welcome! and in case no one has told you, don't take any offense to anything anyone says on here. Most are hear to help and be helped, others are here to just make trouble or to stir the pot.
Just know that you are free to VENT and rant about what ill feelings you feel regarding your situation. Even if no one comments - at least I hope it helped you relieve some internal stress in a healthy way. Because I know that it does help me! I don't think I would have been able to "deal" with some of the issues if I didn't have the support and advise of most on this site.
As you become familar with the site, you will know who is truly speaking from a step or bm experience and trying to help and who is not. As one poster said, if Bios would work with Steps we wouldn't need to vent.
Cheers!
What I find appalling is the
What I find appalling is the utter disregard and disrespect that we get as step parents. Is it not appalling that our stepchildren are being taught that it is okay to ignore us or that our spouse ex feels it is okay to PAS their children against them. Is it not appalling to try and make a good and safe home for these children only to be told that we mean nothing to them that we are second class citizens, that our opinions have no value that no matter how hard we try we will still be shit on and abused. Maybe if more BM's would start trying to work with us instead of going absolutely psycho and try to rule and destroy our lives we would not need to be on this site VENTING!!!
I get so tired of people
I get so tired of people saying, oh the poor child - the child has no choice. NO ONE has the choice when they are children!!
NO ONE can choose their family members, including their parent's spouse! NO ONE asks to be born!! Step kids are no different!!
Duh, everyone who survives to adulthood, has to survive their childhood, so why are step children exempt and supposed to have everything made 'perfect' or 'ok' for them, when NO ONE else gets to either??
I see this as the same child focused outlook, to me usually promoted by the bio-parent, that causes a lot of the step problems. It is extremely unrealistic and even patronizing, to the child IMO. Let's live in the real world people!
Evil…..thank you. I am so
Evil…..thank you. I am so tired of “oh the poor child” and want to add “it’s because of his/her mother (or wore yet) stepmother” to that list.
I agree, we all survived childhood and I am sure there are some of us in here survived the days before bicycle helmets and seat belts too!!!!
Even before I was a SM, I could never figure out why children that were “products of divorce” special. There is always some sort of excuse for their behavior or special treatment. When I was in 2nd grade there were 2 girls in my class: one her parents divorced and the other her mom passed away. I had no clue what divorce was, but I thought it was a fate worse than death.
The child focused outlook ……the bio-parent promo. We can’t escape it, you get a plane with a screaming kid….it is their right. You go to the lake; you can’t go deeper than your waist with your raft because “the little ones” will want to. Gimme a break…..I’m so sick of it. You wouldn’t hand your car keys to a 2 year old. Yeah…the unrealistic expectations are a BM problem. I have put up with it for years!
I think the child-centric gig has gotten totally out of control, I agree with you as an adult I find it unrealistic and patronizing. The world doesn’t revolve around children, their likes /dislikes or choices, as adults we are her to see that they are safe and their basic needs are met.
So, let me get this
So, let me get this straight... all we're supposed to do is make sure no one gets hurt and that they have some food each day, something to drink, and a place to sleep at night. Kind of like a dog, right? Maybe some clothes and shoes here and there. Maybe a trip to the doctor to make sure everything's running right. And that's it. Just to meet the minimal amount of parenting necessary. That's our entire level of responsibility to children here on this earth. Is that what you're saying?
Well, that let's me off the hook, then! I don't have to show them any affection, I don't have to read to them or listen to their incessant chatter. I don't have to talk to them or hug them or help them when they ask all those questions about stuff I don't care about. I don't have to say 'I love you' back to them, help them tie their freakin' shoes... I don't have to drive them to their lessons or help them with their stupid, kid-problems. Wow. That's awesome. I can just imagine the wonderful kids that will be produced from that kind of parenting. Wait, I think we already know of some...
I never knew it could be so easy! I can just sit back, relax and let nature take it's course. These kids can make it on their own. If they don't, well then, it just wasn't meant to be, right? They're gonna be just fine... the world doesn't revolve around them anyway, right? They shouldn't have any needs or wants or desires. That's MY job. I'm the adult, so I get all the choices. I get all my needs, wants and desires met 'cause the world revolves around ME, not those silly, little children out there.
Yay, parenting is a breeze when you cut out all that crap, ain't it?
(disclaimer: this is dripping with sarcasm)