Would like other opinions on my SD's silence
OK, here is a condensed version of events in our situation (some of which I have referred to on other posts):
:?
I know that SD has complained about being bored at our place and the last times she came over mostly all she did was text her friends. When they were younger I greatly encouraged them to go outside and play and make friends in our area (the church huge playground is right across the alley from our house). They wouldn't and DH wouldn't MAKE them because he wanted to spend TIME with his kids (which meant watching TV or fishing, I guess).
BUT, sometimes when I would see that SD seemed bored out of her mind and DH and SS were doing something that probably was more male oriented, I would invite SD with me to go shopping. She always would go and we had some good talks in which she would sometimes confide things to me that she wouldn't tell BM or DH. She also had me meet the boy she had been dating and was very depressed that BM didn't like him. She had even mentioned to me that she was sad she felt she had to chose between a relationship with her boyfriend or a relationship with her mom. So I thought we had a close relationship.
[Found out later that there was a whole other side to this story including the boy being over 18, BM forbidding the relationship, BM hiring a PI to tail SD, SD sneaking out at night, BM kicking SD out and telling her to go live with her father, BM threatening to call cops if we didn't bring SD back, BM pressing statutory rape charges on BF. Ending with (as far as I know) SD getting pregnant and having a baby at 16]
Anyway, SD stopped coming down after we found out she was pregnant (October). She said her back hurt too much. OK, whatever, I figured that her life was pretty crazy and hectic so no worries.
Christmas she came down (for the presents?) and got mostly things for the baby. Then she had the baby 2 months early in an emergency c-section and the baby was in the hospital for a month. When we went to visit her in the hospital, she started crying and said she didn't think her dad would come(!).
We had planned a baby shower but the baby was born before we had it! SD came over for the baby shower but didn't bring the baby as it was not good for his health to come over (although he had been to numerous other houses, whatever, I blamed it on BM). She never said HI or BYE to DH who was outside with the other guys and she left right after opening the presents - even before cake.
Right around this time BM told my MIL that SD and DH/her dad were not getting along. We both wracked our brains but cannot figure out what either of us may have done to make her mad (except I think we should NEVER have made her go back to BM when she stayed with us, but DH thought he was teaching her to do what was right. May be what the court order said but I didn't think it was morally right.). So we thought, maybe it's crazy BM acting out again.
Since SD's baby was out of the hospital, we have seen him a total of once, she brought him over for a few hours on Father's Day. (I had sent her a text saying, "See you this weekend!! 
:)"
ANYWAY, SD doesn't call, doesn't even come out to say hi when we pick up or drop off SS. Doesn't even call to say that she is not coming. Just nothing. No texts, no emails, nothing. When we get a hold of her on the phone, she just says she's really busy.
BM says if anyone wants to see HER grandbaby, they have to come to BM's house. Of course, we are not invited.
I know plenty of people will say "Disengage" but it hurts to see DH hurt, not able to have a relationship with his daughter or only grandchild AND I thought her and I had a relationship too!
Does anyone have any insight on this matter for me?? :?
Wow - I feel for you. DH
Wow - I feel for you. DH needs to make it a point to see his grandson, even if it is at BM's house. As a stepparent (step-grandparent?) - we really have no right, and no cause to see the grandchild. Blood is thicker than a marriage certificate. I would disengage before you are hurt anymore. She may show up at your door in the future after the BM kicks her out again....
I have already said to DH
I have already said to DH that I am afraid that BM will try to take the baby away from SD. I warned that we should start saving up as much money as we can to help SD out legally, if she needs it. I figured the grandbaby will have a good start on a college fund if I am just paranoid!
Although now BM is pregnant again so maybe that will help her be less controlling in others' lives and concentrate more on her own. But I do feel that BM is using this baby adn control over it as another means of punishing my DH.
I have a heck of a time disengaging from this one. DH has told me that I am the best parent out of the three of us and I feel very motherly towards my SD. I think that her and BM have had a LOT of issues and BM had HER way too young (BM was 16 when SHE got pregnant).
It is very hard to not know. That is the worst. If she would just say, I don't really want to be around you. It would hurt, but it would be better than -nothing-.
And I have noticed my husband's temper and frustration problems getting worse by the month.
Well daughters tend to be
Well daughters tend to be more attached to their mothers no matter how crazy, just like sons are to fathers. That could be one reason she doesn't call etc.. but not the whole reason obviously. Maybe shes ashamed to face her father because of her teen pregnancy? That could be a possiblity.
What I think you should do is have your DH make the phone calls and attempts to re-kindle the bond that may have been lost between them. Once him and her get back into a more easy, comfortable relationship again I think he should slowly incorporate you in as well. I know that may hurt you in the beginning since you yourself had a nice bond with her. I think that might be the only way. Unless its her own father that shes more uncomfortable with? Then maybe that should be the other way around.
Maybe you should make all the attempts to re-form that bond you created and let her know that you and her father are always there for her. There has to be more to her story, theres definitely more to it than her just being bored at your home all the time.. I'm sure once she opens up to you or DH things will get a lot better. Its all about breaking that barrier.
If its BM thats brainwashing her then you need to really make it clear to her that DH AN you WANT her and her baby in your life. That your always there for her if she needs a break or just wants to talk. I think thats very important to a teenager.
Wow, at 16 to have a baby
Wow, at 16 to have a baby puts a child in a strange place. At 16 they still want to be treated as a child and have others care for them, but on the other hand they have a child of their own and have to act grown up. It's like one foot in two very different worlds.
I imagine it's very hard to come to terms with that sudden change. And I imagine it takes a while for everyone involved to some to terms with the change in roles in her life. do you continue to treat her as a child? do you start treating her more like an adult? how does she expect to be treated? how does she act? Her withdrawl may be more about her own conflicting feelings than about who she wants to maintain relationships with at this point.
I think the poster who said to try to reconnect and impress on her that you are always there for her is on the right track. And maybe offer to help with the baby so she can put effort into her education, if you and DH offer to watch the baby now and again you'll get to spend time with a grandchild and SD will maybe know she can depend on you and come back around.
I thought too that she might
I thought too that she might feel like she let her dad down. Maybe that's why she cried when we showed up at the hospital? I immediately chalked it up to BM telling her that her dad wouldn't come.
It's easy to make BM the villain when she has done so much crap to make our lives hell in the past.