New Here and Seeking Advice About College-Age SS
Hello all,
OK, so I'm here because I'm desperate for some advice. I have 2 SS, ages 21 and 17. I also have a bio 17YO and 10YO. The 21YO attends college in a city 2 hours away. My husband pays for his rent and expenses - in addition to STILL paying alimony and child support for the 17 year old. (His tuition is all scholarship.) He will be a junior this year -- he has a work-study job, but has never made any effort to get another job at all.
My biggest problem is that the 21YO will come home from college to stay with us during every break AND summer AND every other weekend AND even during times that he should be in class, but skips so that he can be home and partying with friends. When he is here, he is never expected to do any chores, eats us out of house and home, borrows my car constantly, and sleeps until at least NOON. I have to clean up after him.
I work at home, and this really bothers me. My husband and I allocated finances so that I pay for ALL of the groceries, and everything for me car (in addition to lots of other stuff except the mortgage). SOOOO, I get higher grocery bills, I'm expected to loan out my car, I have to deal with cleaning up after him and his friends, and have to work at home while he sleeps all day. He does NO chores AT ALL -- my husband has never expected his kids to do any chores. He gives them allowances, and if they lift a finger to mow the lawn he gives them $20.
I have repeatedly commented that any sane 21YO who has their rent paid for at college would NOT be coming home constantly and should be at college, finding internships or studying or doing whatever college students do. He says I overreact because ALL college students come home and stay to visit and it's "nice" to have him around. Well, it's not nice for my chores, grocery bills, or car usage -- but he says this is normal.
I put myself through college without a dime from my parents -- and would not have dreamed of staying home for weeks at a time when I had my own place! AND he has it free! It actually angers me that an ADULT would behave like a high school student like this.
Am I being overdemanding by wanting him out of here and back at college?!
Easy answer - Hell no. Do not
Easy answer - Hell no. Do not give him your car. Make it difficult for him and he won't come home so much. He needs to get a job to learn some responsibility. You need to make your car very unavailable and don't buy the good junk food. Buy healthy stuff. If your husband wants this, let him do the grocery shopping and give up his car.
when i was in college, i
when i was in college, i didn't go home very often because my stepmom was resentful of having me in the house. so take it first as a compliment that your stepson feels comfortable in your family situation, it isn't all based on food, chores and car borrowing, it is a great thing that he enjoys spending so much time with you!
i also paid my way through college but have learned to appreciate that it might not have been bad if it had been a bit easier for me. clearly your stepson hasn't transitioned into wanting to be an adult yet but that will come before you know it, probably as soon as he has a serious girlfriend. and if he has a full scholarship it shows that at least he is functioning very well academically, and a work study job on top of a full course load in my opinion is a full plate for a student who wants to get high grades and not get over stressed.
i wouldn't complain about the extra costs of his frequent visits, he is a member of your family and if he was your biological child you probably wouldn't be keeping such close tabs on how much he was eating...however, if i were you, i draw the line at cleaning up after him and his friends. this will require a sit down with your husband and his sons, maybe you can include the whole family so it won't be so incriminating, but get your boundaries across clearly. good luck!
It's one thing to come for a
It's one thing to come for a visit, but something else entirely to be a lazy slob with no regard for the household.
It's time to put your foot down to your DH and tell him he has to give you extra money for food for his son and fork over his car as well. I would also refuse to clean up after him and his friends. He's a grown man not a 10 year old. He's taking terrible advantage of you both.
If you don't put a stop to this you're going to end up with a situation similar to mine (a college educated SD (26) who lives at home, who has no job, has no chores (except wash her own dishes and she doesn't do that in a timely fashion), and who is a constant source of conflict in our marriage because daddy has coddled and enabled her to the point that she isn't motivated to get her own place.
Put your foot down now before it's too late.