first timer - posting to internet anyway

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Good evening all
My first post to this forum (or any other for that matter). But, while teenagers drive some to drink, I hoped this channel might be more productive. Anyway, I am a StepFather to 2 great sons and have only 2 concerns that plague me:
1) Neither stepSon has ever once shown any affection to their Mom (no hugs, no kiss, no verbal statement of love or affection; truly ... no exaggeration; NOT EVEN 1 single instance in >8 years.) My stepSons are not 16 & 17; generally decent young men but NEVER a single instance of affection for Mom. I can't get my head around it.

2) "Equal" decision-making in anything/everything related to the kids. The boys are horrible acadmic underachievers; care more for video games & cell phones than for homework or studying. GPA < 2; Meanwhile, I was a bookwork, library nerd that graduated HS with >4.0 GPA. I never settled for 2nd best at anything. But, when report cards are released, I am an outsider because my stated 'consequences' for poor grades (i.e. loss of video games, loss of TVs, loss of cell phones) are all rejected as too harsh and unrealistic punishment. I do not view it as punishment but rather, I see it as loss of privileges. Semantics? Anyway, I have a very good family and I hesitate to complain. But, I see my stepSons sprinting towards a future of limited choices, restricted income, and a necessity of being subsidized financially to sustain the standard of living they have come to believe they are "entitled to". I've tried to discuss with my wife but she simply cries and asks 'what do you expect me to do?'

I'm certain there are no easy answers. My wife and I are upper middle class, higher income and enjoyable standard of living. I do not see ANY POSSIBILITY whatsoever that my stepSons could keep up with the living conditions in which we've raised them. Our Grandchildren will likewise endure the consequences of my wife's choices to reject my emphasis on academic performance.

My question is this: How do we as Step fathers reconcile wanting a great life for our step children and grandchildren versus letting them experience the consequences of their own laziness rather than financially subsidize their expectations for luxury?

Welcome to ST! Hopefully the

Welcome to ST! Hopefully the men and women here can offer you some advice, support and understanding.

RE: the affection stuff. Are they generally disrespectful or are they respectful but unable or unwilling to show affection? It sounds more like the second one, based on what you've written here, and if that's the case I wouldn't worry a whole lot - some people, especially adolescent males, sometimes are uncomfortable with that sort of thing. I'm sure that doesn't make it any less frustrating, but I think those times sometimes need to come with maturity.

As far as their schooling goes, I'm sure your wife wants to see them succeed, too - I do think she's taking the wrong route, though. I don't believe in punishment, per se. I prefer to take a logical consequences approach - they are doing poorly because they are spending too much time on video games, and so the video games should go away for awhile until they learn to balance school and play.

That being said, there comes a time when taking things away only does so much, especially as they're getting older and soon will be buying their own things. You can take the TV, game console, PC, cell phone, etc. but there comes a time where they're going to need to make the decision to try on their own. Sometimes that's going to take some struggling on their parts to realize where they DON'T want to be in life. No parent (or stepparent) likes to watch children they love struggle, but there are some lessons they'll need to learn on their own. Another thing I'm interested in is whether or not they have career interests that may not be academics-based - trades careers are based on hands-on skills rather than academics and can often be just as well-paying as academically-based careers, and moreso in some cases. Not everyone does well in school, based on their learning personalities, but that doesn't mean they have no hope for a good future.

The best advice I can give, if your wife won't agree to take items away from the boys, is to try to encourage them to do something, whether it's part-time work for now or looking into trade career paths. The rest is going to be up to them, unfortunately - you can guide but can't force them to put effort into their futures. Lay the groundwork, let the hard lessons set in if necessary and let them figure out what they want out of life.

Thanks for the response. Much

Thanks for the response. Much appreciated! You are spot on about the affection issue ... it's not disrespect; just no affection to Mom or any others. Still weired to me but I agree that some young men just aren't wired that way. As for the academics versus trades or manual labor or anything else,...it's just plain adolescent laziness. Basically, the prevailing plan that the boys cling to is that "Mom will pay for our cell phones, cars, clothes and anything else we need for a long time into the future. Because she is our Mom and that is what she is for." As a stepFather, I find myself speechless, hoping that they are joking. Unfortunately no. This attitude is more than a common occurrence in my wife's family but my own upbringing was quite the opposite. Her youngest sister and brother both still cling to my Mother-in-law for extensive financial support and they are in their 30s. In an attempt to combat this tendency, I've taken my stepSons to (golf) driving ranges and other guy-stuff activities a few times these past months and tried to encourage them to begin thinking about some sort of job or technical trade that they think they might like to do. And, typically, the response is something akin to "after highschool, I'm just gonna hang out with my friends for a year or two while living at home. Then, I'll figure it out."

My wife and I don't want them to make such a poor plan because we know it sets them even farther behind than where they are now. However, it's the tough love decisions which are dividing us. When everything is at the breakpoint, it may come to a choice to force them out of the house because they absolutely assert, "You cannot force me to get a job". My stepSons have figured this out because they've witnessed some cousins do exactly the same thing (21 year old cousins who happen to also be step-children in their respective homes still living at home with aunts/uncles and simply refusing to work; sit @ home talking on parent-subsidized cell phones and eating food, watching TV, etc).

Anyway, except for the laziness, they are well-mannered young men; respectful to neighbors and visitors. They conduct themselves in a mild, quiet fashion and control their temper & tongues. However, they simply state 'matter-of-factly' that they have no desire or intention to work or get a job because they are content to let Mom buy new clothes, pay for cell phones, etc. Also, my wife and I love to cook together so the boys eat very well. They know we Love them and they realize quite clearly that we dread the idea of them struggling. But, they are consciously choosing to leverage that dread to stay at home - doing nothing. It's all semantics I guess: "Leverage our dread" could just as easily be stated "manipulate our love and concern".

The part I really struggle with is when my input gets cast aside as if I am speaking a foreign language. The boys have no disciplinary penalties at all despite having D's & E's on report cards. For instance, the older son recently stated, "Mom, take me to get my learners permit and driver's license." She responded, "OK. Get in the car and we'll go". Meanwhile, I sort of babbled on about why I think that we should discuss the important privilege of a driver's license in relation to the status of his grades and work/job plans. **Picture the words coming out of my mouth in a sort of cartoon speech-cloud** Then, picture the cloud sort of fading away as he and his mother hop in the car to the MVA to get the license. I think the echo of my objections might have been misinterpreted as a knock in the engine or a loose belt. **squeaky-whine**

I do not like making off-handed, smart-arse remarks. But, I admittedly have resorted to blurting out statements such as, 'don't ask me, I just live here' -or- {my personal fave as an oft-ignored stepFather} = "I think I'll just go out back and pound sand." [Funny how that exact phrase has shown up in different context on this forum]

Bottom line I think is that parents want their bio/step-kids to 'have a better life' than the parents themselves have had. My wife and I do not have a common outlook on how that is going to happen with regard to my stepSons. Thus far, most (all?) of my suggestions/thoughts/input have been have been pretty much ignored so I see the boys' livelihood as a nearly lost cause. Eventually, I fear that I'll snap and lose my temper over the manipulation and laziness which is the motivation for my seeking this forum.

Thanks very much if you've managed to read this lonnnnnngggggggg-winded diatribe.

To be perfectly honest,

To be perfectly honest, there's no better motivator in getting a job than to need to. When I was a teenager, my parents (in their separate houses) would keep a roof over my head and make sure I was fed, but if I wanted anything special it would be up to me. I wanted my own computer? Save up your money and get one. I wanted a cell phone? Not until I had a job and could make my own payments on it. There are some things you should and need to provide for them, but there are other things that they need to get for themselves. There's no reason a 16 and 17 year old should not be working; the reason they get away with it is because they're being allowed. Mom needs to stop buying everything they want. It's not about whether or not you and her can afford it, it is purely about teaching the value of money and the lesson that they aren't going to get hand-outs for the rest of their lives. The sooner that kicks in, the better. The boys sound like they need a reality check, and the best place to start that would be Mom putting her foot down on what she will and will not buy for them. I know she wants the best for them, but that really would be the most effective way to accomplish that.

On the other hand, the fact that you guys bought the items means you have the right to take them away, should she agree to that. If the boys buy their own things, you guys can't take them away quite as easily.

I am sorry to hear your opinion gets swept away like that; both adults, biological parents or not, should have a say in what goes on in their home. There are some decisions, technically, that she's entitled to make on her own, but at the very, very least she should be listening to what you have to say and taking it into consideration before acting. Have you sat down with her and explained your frustrations and why you want things to happen the way you do?

Welcome to ST. I am fairly

Welcome to ST. I am fairly new myself. I have one question are they comfortable hugging and stuff? I ask b/c I am not a hugging person or an affectionate person either. I hate to hug! I don't know why.

Anyway i don't really know what to tell you about the other stuff right now as it is late and I don;t want to say something without thinking about it.

First of all, Welcome. Now to

First of all, Welcome.

Now to the nitty-gritty of it all.

With regard to the affection. I wouldn't worry about that. I have two boys (20 and almost 17). While my older one is a hugger and higly affectionate, my younger one stopped hugging me as soon as he turned 10! (He pretty much saves the hugs for "special occasions" like Mother's Day and my Birthday! )
Some kids just aren't, but as long as they're not disrespectful to you or your wife, I wouldn't worry.

Now what I WOULD worry about is the next issue:

Their apparent lack of motivation and sense of entitlement, which appears to be a family trait. This indeed is problematic because you and your wife are not on the same page and it sounds like it is causing you a lot of worry (and possibly a little resentment?)

You say that you and you wife live an upper-middle class, higher income existance? Can I ask- does your wife also work?
Not to be too nosy, but I find it difficult to wrap my head around the fact that your wife would have a strong work ethic, yet allow her boys to sit around and be so lazy and achieve poor grades in school.

As a single parent myself, I always stressed a strong education for my boys, and a hard work ethic. My oldest son is special needs and has Down Syndrome, but he STILL graduated from HS, and works AND goes to a job training program! Out of all our kids (5 teenagers total), he always made the most money out of all of them, and is the most driven and most responsible at home!

And my younger son, almost 17, is working hard to get into a top college next year. Summer jobs are scarce around here, so instead, he's working on college apps and his SAT books and doing odd jobs around the house for extra money, because I can't stand lazy kids!!! Because I'm not lazy.

So I guess what I'm trying to get at is WHERE did this sense of laziness and entitlement COME FROM?
WHY do they expect that they will just have their cell phones and other things paid for continually? Says who?

And when your wife cries and says, "What do you expect me to do," what is your answer?

Because mine would be:
I EXPECT them to do well in school. I EXPECT them to study and get good grades. I EXPECT them to get P/T jobs, and if not, to get of the video games and contribute to the running of this house and do chores. And when they are 18, I EXPECT them to PAY RENT if they continue to live here, because this will not be a free ride!

And one more question: Where is their BIRTH FATHER in all of this? OR is he more of a hindrance than a help?

I think that if you two can't get on the same page in your approach to this, you need to get to counseling. If not, you could very well be on your way to having your own 30-something men mooching in your home one day!

Thanks for the valuable

Thanks for the valuable feedback all. I greatly appreciate it. The insights are instructive.
To answer a few of the questions: 'where is the birth father?' It's a long story but to cut to the chase, he has never been part of the boys' lives; they have never once so much as shook his hand. he knows they are his children and they know where he is but both have made conscious choice to basically never see one another. The lack of any father figure whatsoever for the first 10 years of their lives is one possible aspect of 'why' the boys may feel entitled to let Mom take care of everything. (Mamma's Boys to the Max)
My wife and I both work and are extremely fortunate to have stable, rewarding jobs as a result of years of sacrifice and hard work. But, my wife seems to get more satisfaction from using her income to spoil the boys than she would herself. The feedback provided about "robbing the boys of any chance to take pride in their own accomplishments" is a fantastic insight. When my wife and I can next discuss this critical topic, I plan to insert that thought when appropriate.

Thanks again everyone for awesome assistance.

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