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He has kids and I don't....Things aren't going well

pre_heated's picture

Submitted by pre_heated on Sun, 06/27/2010 - 12:13am

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I will try to keep this short. I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. He has a 6 year old from an ex wife. (They were young, married less than a year) At first I really had problems dealing with a guy who had a young daughter. I was 19 when we got together and kids were not something i wanted to deal with. But long story short, we fell in love and have been living together ever since. The problem is my boyfriend expects me to be a "second mother" to his child. but the situation makes it impossible for me and the child to be close. I feel so much competition. I feel robbed that I will never get to experience the normal first time marriage, first time baby moments together, because he already went and did it with someone else. He has his daughter stay with us maybe two days a week, usually weekends (even though he is unemployed and should have her more) When she is at the house I feel like the third wheel and so now when they are at my house I leave them alone to spend time together. When they go to family parties and outings I don't go. Because I don't want to go. But he thinks that after all this time i should be closer to her, but how? I see her for an hour here or there. Usually in the morning before they head out fishing for the day, we eat breakfast and watch tv. She sits on the couch with her dad, constantly kissing and petting and hugging her dad, which makes me uncomfortable so I sit somewhere else. I feel like im the bad person for not making more of an effort to be part of the family. But the activities they do together like hunting and fishing (I hate) and think they should enjoy their bonding time. I tell him that we would be closer if he left her alone with me once in awhile. It's easier to try to be chummy without him distracting her, not to mention I feel like I have an audience the whole akward time. I guess I'm just looking for some input on the matter. Should I go to the family stuff (where I know I will sit on a bench feeling akward while my boyfriend plays with all the kids) I'm not a social person, I don't enjoy being around strangers. I have tried before, and you would think having my boyfriend there would help, but he ditches me to play with his daughter. I'm miserable, and would rather stay home, but I'm starting to catch the hint that my grace period is over. I guess im just the bitter old step mom. the whole thing makes me glad that I don't have kids of my own....but I also can't help thinking that things would be easier if we both had kids and weren't on such completely different pages.

Thanks for letting me vent
and thanks in advance for all your wonderful blogs, I enjoy reading them, they make me feel like im not alone.

AlexandraL's picture

Submitted by AlexandraL on Sun, 06/27/2010 - 9:11am

Pre_heated, I've felt like you and I have two teenagers. My exBF has an only child daughter and I've been in many of the situations you've described. You're not a mean person...if you read on here, many people feel the same way as you do.

I think it's good your BF is including you in family things...it sounds like he really wants you to be part of his family.

I'm not sure how you could approach your boyfriend, but maybe you could tell him that you're feeling pressured and explain that feelings (for his child) develop over time? Maybe you could find an article describing how most women in a step situation feel the way you do? I am not sure, but regardless of what HE does, you need to stop beating yourself up for feeling the way you do...it's only going to make it harder for you to bond with his daughter, because you're pressuring yourself.

Btw, I seriously doubt your feelings have anything to do with you not having your own kids. I consider myself to be a good mom...my kids have turned out well as people and I adore them, but I have to admit, I didn't feel very warm towards my SD. In hindsight, it wasn't her fault, but my BF's fault for treating her the way he did, not disciplining her, not demanding she show me respect and common courtesy...the same respect and courtesy that I gave her.

I know you don't want to hear this but it is different in a biofamily...it's much easier. You're young and you could find someone without children that you could have your own family with. I found my stepfamily to be way too difficult, stressful...that's why I am not longer with my BF, even though I still love him, I would rather be alone than stressed out, feeling second, etc.

Anyway, good luck. You're not a bad person, you're just normal.

Synaesthete's picture

Submitted by Synaesthete on Sun, 06/27/2010 - 9:38am

The first thing here that really jumped out at me was this...

"I feel so much competition. I feel robbed that I will never get to experience the normal first time marriage, first time baby moments together, because he already went and did it with someone else."

because I've felt that in the past. I don't have my own children yet, but DH has kids from his previous marriage and I've spent a lot of time worrying that doing things with me will be less special because he's already done them. It helps me to talk with him about it - I'm not second best or second rate, I'm a new beginnin. Wink He's excited to share those things with me because it's me, and our relationship is far better than he and BM's ever was, really. I know that sounds cheesy, but he is sincere and it eases my worries (for the most part). That being said, some people are able to cope with and move past those feelings; others are not. It's up to you to do some soul searching and figure out if you can. Have you tried talking with DH about it? If you don't think you can get past, maybe this relationship isn't a good option for you. As much as you might wish it, his past won't change. His child will always be there, and if you aren't someone who can or is willing to move past those feelings, there will always be resentment in the relationship.

I think the best thing to do, as far as bonding with the little girl, is sit down with DH and explain how it feels to be in a stepmother role. Explain that relationships don't instantly form, and bonds take time. Explain that you feel pressured, and would do better if he didn't watch as closely and gave you some space to naturally hang out with her. Explain that you want to go to family functions, but you aren't Miss Social Butterfly and it would help a lot to ease you into getting to know people if he stayed with you and helped with starting conversations or something. Explain that you know he isn't making you feel pressured on purpose and you know the intentions are good, but certain things would make it significantly less stressful if they changed just slightly. Don't bring it up in the middle of a fight. Sit down and talk when it's a good time, and you're in good moods over some wine or over dinner.

Or, if you find you aren't willing to do all that, and you don't think you'll ever get over some of the feelings and hang ups you have, move on. I would recommend trying to talk with him about it, giving it a little bit of time to see if it changes and go from there, but it is ultimately your decision.

Don't feel bad for struggling with these things. Smile It's normal.