step son did effect a great marriage dad just couldn't step in and defend family unit
I just happened across StepTalk this afternoon: still searching for answers to the end of an 18 year relationship and marriage. I too struggled with a very difficult, blended family situation that I see now was doomed from the beginning because my ex husband wasn't able to discipline his children or back me when I tried to step in and help.
I have just spent 18 years in a relationship that is totally over, no contact... no friendship, alot of resentment, not a good situation and it all started with the selfish behavior of a child who knowingly caused problems once he realized his father did not have the backbone to discipline him.
The objective of sharing this with anyone who might read it... is to share the reality of the situation with you.
I waited many years for my ex to raise his children, we did split up and live in seperate households because I could not handle the chaotic behavior and lack of routine and discipline. I respected his need to raise his son's the way he believed they should be raised. He and I were very happy for 4,5 years in a combined household with my 2 children, because they knew my expectations and did not want to disappoint either myself or their stepfather. Once his older son joined our household all hell broke loose, rules changed, priorities changed and at first I felt compassionate toward my ex and his older son, understanding the needs of both. I let things slide as long as I could! I asked him to address his sons disruptive behavior but my ex didn't or wouldn't see it and just began spending more and more time at work.
It never got better... our marriage suffered, the once happy household grew miserable and I lost my haven. Over the years we did everything possible to do what we thought was preserving our marriage: seperate households, his was more like a fraternity house but oh well that's what they liked! Seperate families....grew into seperate lives. My ex wasn't happy with the relationships he had with his boys, but he wouldn't change anything so we just kept going... dating one another, making future plans...just make it through their leaving the house. We loved each other, or so I thought... there were no affairs, we worked our butts off supporting two households... in the end... total waste of 8 years of my life. Just before the finish line...a vibrant, no baggage new woman came along and surprise he is in love and getting married just months after meeting her.
Honesty on the table??? We both were resentful. I wanted him to be the father of a blended family which he obviously was never going to be and he was angry with me for not being able to fix things... My suggestion to any step parent writing into StepTalk.. after initial counseling and attempts at dealing with the chaos of disruptive personalities, if it isn't working and really making you crazy... get out. I allowed my whole life to get off track, made me miserable making all the one sided compromises and in the end it still didn't work out.
Sad for ALL the kids involved, alot of sacrifice from all of us but only one that came out happy was the ex... selfish years ago to not respect my role as a stepmother= selfish now to have bagged it all and fallen in love (unintentially of course) with someone new. His sons learned ???? Dad did this for us but in the end... living without his wife and all the sacrifices amount to 'total waste of time.' my kids were shown total lack of respect as so was I. We just avoided the reality of the whole situation... and wasted alot of time:)
Good god I hope SS waits til
Good god I hope SS waits til at LEAST 18 before knocking somebody up...but mark my words, it Will happen.
Oh wow, your post has so much
Oh wow, your post has so much raw emotion in it it makes me want to cry. I certainly feel your pain as I have gone through something similar. Thank you so much for posting your story. I have had a rough weekend but reading your post makes me feel better about my decision, helps cut the pain of letting go of my best friend and my partner, the man I love and wanted to marry.
I am devastated but know it is right...your post only confirms it. I am so so sorry you are going through this. I understand where you're at. I wish you peace and nothing but good things...you posted a powerful message that really needs to be heard.
Thank you for responding...
Thank you for responding... oh well crying again... but I do know that all I have been doing the past 8+ years is avoiding these tears, and they found me anyway. If my exhusband had put 'our relationship' at the head of our blended family it would have been a happy, loving household, we live in a good school system, great ages of his and mine for activities and similiar interests... we were healthy, young and for whatever reason one child 'outsmarted' his dad and we all missed out because of it. I saw it, but kept thinking it would magically change... I was lying to myself because I did not want to admit that the man did not cherish our marriage enough to either take charge of the situation himself or let me do it. He loved my kids and always admired their spirit, most of their choices and all of the love and respect that surrounded them. I never did, still don't understand it. It would have been so much easier to just address the behavior?
I feel especially sorrowful for his oldest son, who initially started the madness. He was(is)a brilliant young man who was never given the much needed guidance, positive attention and healthy family support that his rotten behavior was crying out for. I know he carries guilt now, he has turned into a semi crazy, irresponsible man. Really smart kid... I could go on about his college degree and where all 4 kids are now... but I know the unfortunate results are just casualties of weak decisions and poor excuses. I believed I was alienating myself from those choices by living in a different household, thought I could avoid the negative feelings surrounding our situation, but it was just avoidance. How could I respect my ex when he was such an irresponsible Dad? I guess if I didn't have to watch I could still see him through my rose colored glasses.
Would have been better for MY kids and myself if I had 'cut the losses' and moved on when it was as simple as different parenting styles. Instead the current situation has overshadowed the memories of the great years we had.
I wish all step families well. It's the hardest situation a well meaning person can get lost in...one day you are lost in love with your new spouse and then wham... "snap out of it" along comes the imperfect reality that is a big part of his life. I didn't even mention the ex wife. How could the wonderful man I was so in love with have been married to such a wacko, and have such a mean child? I didn't want to face the truth... he wasn't perfect after all. We ended up with an 11 year old from hell running our life. By falling in love and remarrying I think he 'thinks' he is starting with a clean slate. hmmmmmmmm.
Good Luck to you... sorry my bitterness might have slipped out for a second, I am trying to work through it without sounding too steroetypical!
Have you and your fiance talked about the kids? A counselor might be able to help you prioritize your roles before problems start. This is not an uncommon situation... a set plan carried out works wonders. My ex husband just couldn't follow through.
I hate to say this makes me
I hate to say this makes me feel a little better too, but it does. I just stepped away from a deal I REALLY WANTED, but reading this makes me realize there's a pretty good chance that even if we worked out the rest of our issues it was going to be unlikely that it would work...
I am touched by your heading
I am touched by your heading "I hate to say this....I had to read it a few times to get the message it was telling me...
Your post just helped me realize I was afraid to say "Hey what about my needs?" I don't think you should feel badly that you have developed healthy boundaries and have the forsight to see that your situation was not a good fit for you. Healthy marriages and kids whether yours, mine or ours are dependent on commitment and the fact that you see the flags is a good thing. The fact that you are not denying that they are there is incredible!
Thanks for sharing that.
oh my... when in doubt I'd
oh my... when in doubt I'd hit the beach. The voice was there for me too, but I ignored it. I will be a much better listener in the future.
I am going through the same
I am going through the same thing except for I am trying to cut my loses after only 4 years (though it seems like a lifetime). I was literally just sitting here thinking that I could get a place to myself and DH and I would be ok. Thanks for posting.
Powerful is right...I dont
Powerful is right...I dont even know what to say except to admit that I feel like you "outed" me and the denial I'm in?? Part of me just wants to say "Yah but!" and then I realize how dumb I sound still hoping that it will end up different for me??
I never found ANYONE (and believe me I've searched) who tried the separate residences to make things work the way we've done. But we never really set out that way, it was more like we'd split up, and he'd start having his eow visits completely away from me, and then magically we would want to be together again. Whenever SS is out of sight, he's out of mind and we are great! So it really does seem like if the visits are done elsewhere, then everything else works?
The biggest differences for my situation from yours is that my only 2 kids are with DH, and we have only been married to each other. DH is an alcoholic in recovery for 2.5 years now, and that boy he has was just a product of irresponsible partying from before we were together. He never really wanted that kid and never parented him (still doesnt, habit??) but is great with our girls! He pays CS and indulges SS eow (unless the kid has a garage sale to go to and cancels) but I no longer allow it around me or in my home. DH has to go to his mother's for visits. Our house is actually MY house so...count me in as one of those idiots "waiting for SS to turn 18 and get a life" because I dont care if BM kicks him out or not, he sure as hell is NEVER coming to MY house! DH would have to leave me and his little girls before that would happen, and frankly, he'd be stupid to do that.
Surely DH's mother or sister would step in and take the bastard in before DH would even try to demand it, and I bet that DOES happen! Sometimes I hate being right....but like a fool, I'm still hoping and praying that we someday get that "normal life" with our girls when that kid grows up. For some reason it doesnt seem so unrealistic because when *I* was in my late teens early 20's, I got a life?! I got roommates, a job, partied...had no use for parents!! I made my appearances at holidays and that was about it! Why the hell wouldnt SK's do the same ya know?
So I guess I'm still hopeful, but my guard is up. I do think about all the things you said, and I feel like you are ME from the future, coming back here to warn me! And my biggest fear, that I really dont respect DH, and after years of being the breadwinner and supporter and awesome mother to our girls, I will be told by DH that he "found someone else" and I'll know I wasnt truly invested, and I'll be bitter that I put up with his baggage all those years just to end up with nothing, when I couldve left and maybe found happiness with someone else? *sigh*