Step Mom ready to call it quits on 2yr marriage because of SS
I'm struggling with our marriage because of issues directly related to my 20 yr old stepson. I'm a wonderful mother and have 20 and 23 yr old boys. I thought another son the same age would be okay in our blended family. I did have my reservations prior to marriage because my ss did seem to be neglected as far as attention and the basic fundementals of day to day living.
Six months into our marriage he tried to commit suicide on more than one occassion, and threaten to commit suicide when relationships were not going his way. The cops arrived at our home one night bc a friend was concerned with his threats. It wasn't until we were in marriage counseling six months later that I find out my ss told the cops it was bc of me. What the !?!?. I was very hurt and this is the start of NO interaction with my ss. Even after marriage counseling our marriage has not been the same.
I have helped my husband in understanding different approaches of parenting, which he welomed and appreciates. It was constant screaming, throwing and terrible language exchanged between the two. I honestly believe that was the way he was raised by his mother and it took months of my coaching for my husband to realize it did nothing to help the situation.
Fast forward six more months. My stepson has finally found someone elso that enjoys watching Steve Wilko, South Park, farting, hiding in his room, and NO social skills what so ever. I think its getting too serious, but no hubby thinks it's a good thing for him. I about exploded one time when my hubby was out of town and I found a used condom in the trash can (just dropped in there not wrapped up and was the ONLY trash). What the ?!?!.
Okay, six more months. My ss gf has started sleeping over on the weekends. Excuse ... she lives out of state. Now, she gets a job at the same place as my ss and conviently needs to spend more nights than just the weekend. Well, she indicated three months ago that she is trying to adjust her schedule and I asked her to communicate with me and to try to help around the house w/cleaning. The first week was good, but the second week it went back to the same old thing. They wait for us to go to bed then are up watching tv, eating, washing their clothes, etc. Weird! The gf does not say hi when she walks in, does not sit down and talk to me or my sons, just my husband.
I've had it but now my husbands says that if we make the stepsons gf move out that his son will move out too. Wow! My husband does support me and my two boys financially and we both want all of our kids to be at home and finish college. Any advice as to what to do next. Let it go, pack my stuff and leave, kick the gf out? I think they both should pay us rent. She does not even cleanup after herself. Their room is smelly, dirty, trash and clothes everywhere. They even have their own bathroom now bc my son goes downstairs to take a shower, etc. I went for the longest time of not cleaning the br, and left notes and told them to scrub the toilet, etc. I spent an hour cleaning that entire br this weekend. I do have support from my children bc they see what our marriage is going through. I don't now what I'd do without my children being there with me.
Hmmm... if she has a job and
Hmmm... if she has a job and so does the SS, maybe suggest a one bedroom apartment and you can help with the bills. Surely it won't be a whole lot more expensive than all the food they eat and laundry detergent they use, etc.
Or maybe you could add on some kind of garage apartment at your current home.
Man that's a tough one. I would NEVER have been able to have an overnight guest in my parents' home. I think you're already bending over backwards.
Me and my husband were raised
Me and my husband were raised that there were no gf sleepovers. Even my own children that live in the house abide by that rule. I do like the idea about moving them to an apartment bc that would put everyone else in the house at ease. Now I feel like I'm being put in a difficult situation, bc my husband is very stern about his son finishing college. If ss moves out and things don't workout then I'm going to feel like I'm to blame.
I was an accident. Parents
I was an accident. Parents married in June, I was born in December. They were 18. JUST 18. Dad worked at night in a 7-11 and during the days he read electrical meters. We were POOR. About 5 years later Dad went back to college and now he's an Obstetrician/Gynecologist, well-respected statewide, and the President of his 100+ physician clinic.
I relate this story to let you know that if SS moves into an apartment and doesn't make it through college it has nothing to do with you, it has to do with his lack of desire to succeed. Plenty of people overcome a hell of a lot worse than having to do their own laundry and cook their own dinner. He'll either make it of his own grit and desire, or he'll fail due to his own lack thereof. I would NOT let his failure be pinned on me, were I you...
I am confused....You are
I am confused....You are right on. Great observation.
One of my best friends just completed her college degree...about 14 months of intense classwork (curriculum designed for working adults) and she is almost 50YO...all the while being a mom to her 4 boys, working part time and huge volunteer work in the community. When there is a desire there is success!
I was never allowed sleepovers (of the opposite sex) at that age either. In fact, about 2 years ago (at age 50) I visited my brother and brought a SO other with me for a weekend...we had seperate rooms! LOL. No big deal...his house, his rules. I had no problem with it at all, nor did the SO!
Times have changed.
"I am confused" is right. The
"I am confused" is right. The other side is that plenty of people finish college and continue to be losers. I think you have to separate the issues. What is acceptable in your house? Your house, your rules. I'd say that if he wants to live with his gf then they need to find their own place and be responsible for it. Lots of college kids do that.
So...you have ALL THREE of
So...you have ALL THREE of these grown "children" living with you while they go to college?? I have to agree that it's high time they get their own places! Even if all 3 or 4 of them go rent one house...surely they all have jobs, right?
Even for people who get along marvelously, it rarely works for 2 adult women to live in the same house if they are not equally ranked. I've done this, so I know first hand. I lived with a boyfriend who lived with his parents when I was still in high school. My bf was 20 (not in college) and was working, but was a mama's boy. His parents LOVED me to death, so when my parents had to move out of state (job transfer) they let me move in to finish my last few months of high school before I went to college. By the time I moved out, I was sure she hated me!
Flashforward, bf and I broke up, and now 20 years later bf and I are married to different people, but I am still close with his mother!! She came to my wedding! So believe me...it's not that we couldnt get along, we just could not live together like that. And I later lived with girlfriends during my 20's, and it was fine because we were all equal roommates.
I really think this situation is just sticky, and when you have "kids" floating between the roles of kids and adults, it doesnt work. You are the parents, you own the home, you make the rules - therefore they are all "the kids" - but truthfully, they are over 20, having sex/relationships, and trying to live their lives as adults at the same time. I think it's time to drop the "kid" title and be grownups. Work jobs, attend school, pay their own way, and have relationships. I worked full time thru college AND paid for it! Dont kid yourself...your kids wont fail at life without you managing it for them. Not sure who is holding on stronger, but I think it's time to think about letting go? They'll still need your help, dont worry!
Well stated and IMO exactly
Well stated and IMO exactly right.
If your SS is old enough to
If your SS is old enough to have a gf sleeping over every night, he's old enough to secure a place for her to sleep.
Also, if he doesn't finish college, it would be due to his own lack of ambition and motivation. Don't allow him or DH to use you as a scapegoat for his shortcomings.
I also agree with the poster regarding two women living in the same house. Two years ago I moved in with DH and SD (24 at the time). I did it because DH wanted me to bond with her. It's been hell from day one because she's lazy, uncooperative, petty and mean spirited. At one point, I came close to moving out. Things have improved however (yes she's still here at 26), but if I had it to do over again I wouldn't.
Finally, if I were in your shoes, I'd have a long talk with DH and recommend that SS and gf get their own place . . since he feels that if she goes, he'll want to go too. Is Dh's loyalty to you or his son and gf? He needs to stop coddling and enabling his son and start treating him like the young adult that he is. Helping him with his own place would be a good place to start.
there is no way in a million
there is no way in a million years that i would put up with this in my home. gf needs to take a hike.
You might want to rethink who
You might want to rethink who owes what. You say that your husband supports you and your children, 20 and 23. But you think your husband's son (and his girlfriend) should pay you rent? Isn't that up to your husband to decide? Also, his son obviously has some emotional problems. His father is probably terrified of what might happen to him, and even if you can't stand him his father probably loves him.
It sounds like you have a wonderful husband who is happy is son has a friend and is trying to give him some time to sort things out and grow up a little. I would try to do the same. There are many worse things than a dirty bedroom.
Hmmm, you are correct with
Hmmm, you are correct with your insight into the situation when it comes to the financial aspect and that's usually how I convince myself into everything is okay, I can live with this. I know we would never take money from our children. I have my moments when I fall apart and feel helpless in this situation. I've only touched on a few of the issues, but you are right, why do I let this bother me? I guess I'm a stepmom who doesn't understand. I know everyone has their own ways of parenting. I believe what hurts the most is that my husband gets into situations with his son and doesn't stand up to him, the ss usually has a way of twisting things to get his way. Well, okay that's not so bad either but how is that helping the ss to become stronger. You are right, he has a gf to hang out with now, but I don't feel it's the right decision for him. Okay, you are going to say that's not my decision either, but as a mother I know that you need to connect with your kids and help them see through some of these difficult life changing situations. Another reason is because ss didn't interact with anyone before gf, you know as far as friend or even family. We always ask him to be included in game nights, dinner at the table, bonfire, vacations, etc, but he declines. The gf has managed to draw him even further away from his family. Letting ss evolve his whole life around gf is not the answer, so I believe. How do you convince yourself that it's ok to stand by and to watch and not say anything. That's what I'm trying to do, but it's VERY difficult.
So do I understand that you
So do I understand that you and your DH are concerned about this son's social abilities? And that's how it all started that you allowed this gf to sleep over? But now you are thinking that it's not going in the right direction anymore?
It doesnt sound like you are very open to the idea of just letting the son move out. Can I ask why? The bottom line is, you are all adults. I am not sure I understand this dynamic of not being able to say what you think and discuss this maturely? These "kids" are just shacking up in YOUR house, and YOU are thinking of leaving?? And if that son leaves, you are afraid your DH will call you on favoritism?
Here's the thing...kids grow up. They move out. They make mistakes. It happens. And sometimes...they move back home. Or they call mom & dad for financial help or guidance. Just because they move out does not mean you stop being their parents. You dont extracate them forever! I struggle with the idea that "kids" their ages still live at home, especially if it's creating problems.
As I mentioned before, my parents moved out of state when I was 18, so I was on my own fairly early. But a few years later, they did return to the state and I moved back in with them at age 21. That did not last long! haha Very soon I was frustrated being there, and they were frustrated having me there. I felt it would somehow offend them if I said "I'm outta here!" and my younger sister and I secretly started looking at rentals. My mom must've overheard us or something, but she did a great thing when she "suggested" that we all look for places together.
We did enjoy having her help and approval of our new place, and she set us up with some kitchen stuff and cleaning supplies...it really was kinda fun. I think she enjoyed being part of it too. And nobody felt offended or angry...it really took the tension out of the whole situation.
I have never been okay with
I have never been okay with the gf staying over. The decison by DH was that he didn't want his son driving back and forth to another state to see his gf. I'm excited that my kids are moving out this year and looking forward to helping them. They are moving in with other friends and splitting the rent. DH made it very clear even in marriage counseling that he was concerned with ss stabiity and didn't belive his son could make it on his own, so we even scheduled several visits with counselor for ss. The decision was that ss is still maturing and will have some difficulties at first but ss would be fine. So, DH has heard from someone else besides me. Honestly my true frustration at the moment is with DH, but I know it will all work out eventually. I'm not moving out, not kicking gf out, I'll just be patient a little longer. It's difficult being a step parent because we truly don't know what went on prior to the years that we became involved in their lives.
Pinkflamingo--From everything
Pinkflamingo--From everything you said, it sounds like you really care about this boy and want the best for him. And you're right--if he's having trouble socializing, even with family, on the one hand you're happy he has a girlfriend, but on the other hand you wonder if it's making him even more distanced from his family. I think some kids have a tough time in their teens but others seem to have a really hard time in their late teens and early 20's. Just being a stable, safe place for him while he's figuring some of this stuff out--a "port in the storm"--is probably the best and kindest thing you can do for him. It will also be a good model of what functioning, nice adults are like, which he also probably also needs. In short--just being a kind person who's concerned-which you clearly are--is probably more valuable than you know.
Your predicament sounds a lot
Your predicament sounds a lot like what I was in, except for the gf. Your ss's behavior sounds a lot like what my ss acted like, down to the nastiness of the room and bathroom. Except instead of a GF to deal with, I had to deal with drugs, porn, and punching of walls and tearing doors off the hinges. RUN. that is all I can say. RUN away and get out. I wish I had. We finally got him out, but it did not really help. There is a lot of resentment in our marriage and my dh has actually said before that his son's problems were ALL MY FAULT. How, I don't know. Wish I had left before.