Should I let boyfriend and sd come home, what to do, what to do....
Been with BF for 6 year's. His daughter didn't live with him when we moved into together, she lived with his Mom becuase of his work shchedule. When we moved in together he obviously wanted his daughter there. I believe that is the point when our relationship started to deteriorate. With her came a slew of very weird behavior and problem's. BF just say's well it's a stage, REALLY A STAGE THAT LAST'S 6 DAMN YEAR'S!!!!!???? This child has stole from me and my children on numerous occasion's, cannot tell the truth to save her life, has tried to light the bathroom wall on fire, continuously fails every year only to be PLACED ahead, went to the school and lied and said her dad punched her (I have two children of my own. I see nothing wrong with spanking MY kid's but it is very very rare. Her on the other hand we DO NOT spank with fear she will lie and call the police, she has said she would put her Dad in jail if he ever spank's her), she has walked up to my sleeping cat for NO reason at all and started punching him. She say's doing that and the fire thing made her feel BETTER!!! I feel I am dealing with a sociopath here, I cant stand to be in the same room with her. I pray everynight for my dang soul for feeling like this about a child, I think what is wrong with me, she's a KID for goodness sake!! His family hate's me and will not accept my kid's or myself. They think I am the root of all evil in this kid's life, even though his Mom has gone through the SAME EXACT thing!!! His sister has come to my house causing a scene in front of all the kid's threatening to fight me. She was pregnant at the time, or else I probably would have. I can see why BF is defensive it IS his daughter and he feels the right to protect her. I feel like I need to sleep with one eye open at night. I don't know if im right for feeling that way or not! BF is truly a good person has a GREAT heart and is GREAT with my kid's. I just can't stand to be around his though. Wonder if as a mature adult I just don't have it in me to raise this kid. She has been dealt a bad hand, BM died a few year's ago, but she acted this way before BM died. She didn't cry at the funeral, it's like it didn't even effect her. Which I assume it had to right, My mom passed a few year's ago and im still distraught over it. I couldn't imagine having lost her as a child. I am at a crossroad's. BF at the moment has been at his Mom's staying for a few day's because of an argument when I asked his dh to help clean like the rest of the kids. Her response was why should I??? That is unacceptable to me and im fed up with this bratty, kid who has absolutely no remorse for the pain she causes other people INCLUDING her father!! He is now BEGGING to come home. We tried to talk to her and ask her how we could change thing's to make her happy also, her response was basically no response other than jsut to stay out of each other's way!! WHAT???????
Sorry, but how old is your SD
Sorry, but how old is your SD currently?
It sounds like she's dealing with a lot of issues; all of these behaviors are attention-seeking in one way or another. I am sure that her mother's death is part of those issues, but I see you mentioned she had the behavior before BM passed away, too. Another thing to look into is maybe having her evaluated with a psychologist. Acting out once in awhile in those ways is normal; having it as a daily occurrence is not and is, IMO, a sign of some deep-rooted issues or perhaps a behavioral disorder (SS10 has a behavioral disorder). Either way, I strongly recommend having her evaluated - she may say not and BF may be uneasy about it, but in reality, if either of those are the case the sooner you know the better because it can start you on the road to helping her not act that way, even if she says she "feels good". She sounds too young to understand her own behavior and clearly you and BF are no closer to understand where it's coming from, and in reality that's more important - we can deal with behaviors as they come but it really would do a world of good if a doctor could help her and you both figure out the root of it all, and treat that instead.
Also, since it is not fair to the rest of the family for her to terrorize everyone, BF needs to put his foot down more firmly with his discipline. I understand you don't spank her, but there are other ways to discipline and cut down these behaviors without spanking. Personally, I'm anti-spanking. He needs to be firm and clear when something is not okay. Don't try to reason with her. Don't try to plead with her. Don't get caught up in a power-struggle - there is no struggle. You and/or BF is in charge, period. I understand his need to defend her but this behavior is NOT normal and ignoring it or downplaying it will only make things more difficult for everyone else (for example, it's causing enormous problems in his relationship with you) and even for the girl when she becomes and adult and has only learned to react the way she does now. It -will- be a bigger problem if she grows up with no help. Maybe showing it to BF from that angle would make a difference. It may make him feel "mean" to put his foot down, but it's in her best interest in the long run.
That being said, it isn't your responsibility if you don't want it. A child with severe behavioral issues is a lot and should it turn out to be a disorder, even more so. If BF isn't willing to take those steps, things will continue as they were - he NEEDS to take these steps for a more peaceful home and a better understanding of why his daughter acts that way. Period. If he is, and you're willing to go down this path because your relationship with him is worth it, great.
If not, I'd suggest giving him these steps anyway and wishing him luck.
Either way, this sounds like a lot to deal with and I think a lot needs to be discussed between BF and you before you make any decisions either way. Action needs to be decided BEFORE he moves back in, if you decide to get back together.
second
second
Thank you all for the advice.
Thank you all for the advice. She just turned 12 year's old. After the fire incident I insisted on counseling and it lasted a total of one session. I have brought it up again and he say's he's uncomfortable with it, he's afraid she will be taken away and he has no time. My point to him is, your kid's are first and foremost. You don't have the time then you find some way to make the time. He doesn't see it as being so bad, but of course I am the primary caregiver of her. He work's out of the house sometime's late night's and my job allow's me to work from home. They are living with his parent's right now, but his whole family enable's her. For example she recently stole a pc game from my daughter and took it to G-mas. Grandma's response was well how come she didn't get one for Christmas too. The whole time im thinking are you kidding me??? She can play with it, she doesn't have to steal it and that's not an excuse. Each kid asked for what they want and the same amount of money was spent on all the kid's. With much of my nagging I did get him to call the counseling office. Supposively he left a message and left my cell number but I have yet to recieve a call from them. I had my daughter in the same counseling office after the death of my Mother and I never seemed to have a problem getting ahold of these people. These thing's that are extreme to me do not happen daily. Problem's with school, hygeine and just disrespect do happen daily. Which I guess I can deal with but the other much more extreme thing's I try to block out but then I start thinking and im like okay what's the next extreme. I know she has low self-esteem, she is a little overweight, not the best skin (which if she showered more than once a week im sure would clear up). You have to constantly tell her, did you change your underwear, you have deodorant on, did you change your pad??? I know it's embarassing but if you don't say it she would just sit like that everyday. I worry about my kid's because they are the exact oopposite. Both cheerleader's, perfect skin, honor roll student's, student council, very clean and lot's of friend's. Im afraid that she is eventually going to be so jealous of how they are compared to her that she may do something to hurt them. Im not sure if I should feel that way, but she has stated that she hate's my youngest daughter along with myself. She is not an ugly little girl, but she refuses to take care of herself. UGHHHH.... I wish Bf would just see that these thing's she is doing is not normal!!!!
Honey, I have to be real
Honey, I have to be real honest. If he isn't willing to admit, and his family isn't willing to admit, that these things are issues and she needs professional help, it will not get better. You know that's true, and that's good but as someone who isn't her biological parent there isn't a lot you can do besides encourage.
She won't be taken away, she'll be given help. He needs to MAKE the time if he wants her to be healthy. Untreated disorders and issues are very dangerous and damaging to all involved. He will be helping her by doing this; she is in for a lifetime of trouble and bad relationships all around if he does not. She needs HELP. That behavior is not normal or okay. Forget the rest of the family, if her FATHER won't admit that and wants to continue to be in denial, that is a problem. He's really just hurting her and everyone else who wants to be a part of his life by enabling that behaviour.
I like your blog post. Keep
I like your blog post. Keep on writing this type of great stuff. I'll make sure to follow up on your blog in the future.3m Filters