I'm livid....please read and respond because I want BF to see the answers - even if they are in agreement with him
After a long discussion with my BF a week ago about how I feel second best because he always caters to his ex-wifes wants with total disregard to how I feel about the situation, he has done it once again. Even after telling him that I need to see ACTIONS behind his words (that have been meaningless when it comes to matters of her), he has done it once again. And even after telling him that I did not want to continue living the rest of my life with a man that I love and adore, but who places his ex-wife above me, he has done it once again. Am I losing my mind, or is he not catering to HER in this situation? He apparently does not see an issue with it.
Background: She left the home in shambles when she moved out in April 2008. I moved in Feb of 2009. I went room by room with his assistance and cleaned out the entire house, boxing items that he identified as holding sentimental value or belonging to her specifically. The other items we didn't want, we put in a yard sale pile. This is not a small house and there were YEARS of items collected that we had to go through. Apparently, she learned that we were having the yard sale two+ years AFTER she left, and she asked BF if SHE could come over and go through the items BEFORE the yard sale and see if there is anything she WANTED. He told her yes. I objected and told him I did not feel it was fair of her to come over here and plunder through the items SHE left behind and that I cleared out. If she wanted anything, she could come over AFTER the yard sale and take what was left because it was going to Good Will anyway. Instead of him communicating this to her, he plays dumb and just doesn't tell her that we are having the yard sale. Because I asked him to call her about another issue (which is part two of this post) she finds out we are having the yard sale and says "I thought you were going to let me go through it first? Sold anything I might have wanted?" So she comes over here during our yard sale and goes through the books that the SS's didn't want. Ok, that's fine. Whatever. BUT, the reason he called her in the first place is because she has some Car Kit that belongs to her car that is stored in our garage and takes up the whole entire top of one of the shelves. AND there are some shelves here that apparently belong to her. They have been here 2+ years and BF has asked her several times to get them. So because we have the garages already cleaned out, I told him we were over half way there getting the garage organized and I wanted to get it finished. Could her please give her ONE WEEK to get her items out of the garage (I felt that was pretty generous since I was tempted to place them in the yard sale in the first place.) We talk about this 3 different times and he says "I agree...I agree...I agree." But what happens? He ASKS (caters) her if she wants them, and she says she has no way to get them (hello...do what every other person does when they need to move something and call a friend with a truck!) So what does he do? He offers to bring them to her (caters). Okay, whatever, it's out of the way. What is her response to that? Well, I don't have room for them right now (I DON"T HAVE F*****G room for your stuff EITHER BITCH!) So he asks (caters) her how long do you need to make room (like 2+ years hasn't been sufficient)? She needs a couple of weeks. He agrees (caters). So now, the woman he lives with has to once again delay her organization plans to sit and wait (cater) for her to make room for HER stuff. Did I mention that she hasn't had a job since Nov/Dec 2009? She went back to school. But she hasn't had time to get HER stuff. I have busted my ass on this entire house of the last year getting ALL her S**T together for her, and I ask for him to put his foot down on ONE thing so I can get something done and he doesn't do after promising me he will. This is just the latest in a LONG LIST of things of this nature over the last two years. Apparently, she will ALWAYS come first.
This is tough because DH and
This is tough because DH and ex-w lived in this house, I assume. So it's not "your" house in their eyes. So they probably don't see why you are so upset about it. Here's where i would have drawn the line: right where she said she has no way to get them. at that point I would have put them outside, said you have one week to find a way to pick them up, or they are being thrown out. If she really wanted them she would call a friend with a truck.
you need more examples
you need more examples really. because keeping stuff in a garage for a few more weeks is not totally unreasonable. i find with BMs...if you do not HAVE to pick a fight than don't pick it. there are so many fights that HAVE to be picked over the course of time, that making hay when it is not entirely necessary can be...against your best interest.
now...i think there might be some communication issue in your home. clearly, you are frustrated. and you want him to do these things...but perhaps you are not communicating clearly enough hat you expectation is. for instance, when you say "she has one week" if you do not want that to be negotiable...the fact is, that is something negotiated between you and BF first..so when the one week was up, you should have tossed them. before boundaries are set with them, you need to make sure your boundaries are respected ...(think kids...they do not respect rules when they see there are no consequences ever)...and as long as your BF thinks all your boundaries are movable and you will acquiesce, then he will keep moving them, making you angry and going on to the next violation of boundaries.
It's not unreasonable, I
It's not unreasonable, I agree. IF he hadn't asked her several times over the last two year. And it was CLEARLY communicated between he and I. We discussed it 3 times before he called her and it was (I thought) understood that 2 years had been long enough for her to get her things (he agreed) and we would give her one week to get them out (he agreed) or we would sell them or dispose of them (he agreed). But this is NOT what he communicated to her. He gave HER NO deadline (she said it would take her a couple of weeks to make room for them) and he said OKAY on top of agreeing to take them to her.
You want other examples? How about just some of these...
1) When he asked me to move in, I told him I was not comfortable with her having a remote to the garage. He said he would get it back from her. I moved in, spent several weeks parking in the driveway because he hadn't gotten the remote back from her. After asking several times when he was going to get the garage remote back from her, he "surprises" me with a remote of my own that he programmed. To this day, 2+ years later she has a garage remote to what is now MY home. And yes, she DOES come over here when we are not here, without talking to us first, and uses her garage remote to drop things off for the boys.
2) She requested him as a friend on facebook. I told him I didn't want her as a friend with him on there because she would know everything we were doing. (Although, she pretty much knows it anyway because of the boys going between houses.) He added her as a friend anyway.
There are soooooooooo many more where he tells me he agrees with me, then turns around and does whatever it is she is requesting.
I FULLY understand that they don't want to make waves with the ex, but there comes a time when you have to draw the line. There is no way I could go in to all the instances that have occurred over the last two years, but just understand that although this instance may seem blown out of proportion, it is just the latest in a long line things where he has "agreed" with me then done the opposite because of what SHE wanted.
And I thought about putting it on the curb in a week because that is what he and I agreed, but if he agreed to something different with her because he didn't want to make "waves" wouldn't that just further anger him with ME if I toss it? Then I would be the cause of why he couldn't meet his agreement with HER. That's my WHOLE point. He cares more about keeping his word to HER than to me.
well based on your response,
well based on your response, it really seems like your BF does not respect you. which is very sad. the remote thing...completely and utterly unacceptable. OMG. our BM is not allowed in our house, ever...but if she had a way to access it, BF would remedy that immediately. and the facebook thing...no way in hell! BM just tried to friend BF and he thought it was funny...like why? he said no...informed her they were NOT friends.
as for the garage stuff, i guess then, if BF went back on the agreement the two of YOU had, then it is time to show him the consequences of his decision to violate your agreement.
so what is the consequence going to be? because it is clear this man thinks he can disrespect you and your wishes left and right..because as of now he knows you will get mad, yell, and accept it...so he is going to get his way every time and he has decided it is worth it to disrespect you because the consequence of you being mad for awhile is worth it...
oh and at this point why do
oh and at this point why do you care if he is angry with you? seems like you put your foot down, and then lift it up because you are afraid he will get mad....so what the hell is he afraid of?
He seems to be a guy that
He seems to be a guy that doesn't like confrontation. He's agreeing and making promises to you so you will not get mad and at the same time is passive with ex so she will not get mad. I might sound old school, but I believe the man should be a leader in the house hold, and if he can't effectly lead your house then he's not doing his job as a husband. It was nice of him to allow her to still go through things before they were sold. I would have let her come over the morning of the yard sale when everything was out, let her take what she wants, including the crap on the shelves and everything else is being sold. You were right to set a boundary on how long she has to get her stuff off your shelves. If it was important to her she would already have it. You are not uhaul or a self storage place. If I were you I would set a date and let her know it's being pitched on that date and that it is up to her to get the things removed before then. It would be better if that message came from your husband, but it looks like he wouldn't do it. He has to realize you're his wife, he's responsible for your happiness and welfare just as you are responsible for his.
LOL...oh she does all this
LOL...oh she does all this too "she could be flirting with him, asking him to help her with her bills, stop him from seing his kids or even be abusing you at every turn"
She stood behind him at baseball games with her hand on the back of his chair and followed him around like a puppy. I did manage to put a stop to that. And even though they have the boys 50/50 (week on, week off) he pays 100% of their expenses. I'm talking EVERYTHING. The only thing she has to provide is food/shelter every other week. And NOW, we are taking on the additional burden of getting them to their extra curricular activities on HER weeks (and will apparently have to continue to do so for the next one and half years) because she decided to go back to school and has night classes two nights a week. And although she doesn't abuse me, I certainly feel like she isn't respecting our relationship.
And you weren't harsh. I do want opinions on both sides.
really...sounds like you need
really...sounds like you need to stop complaining and venting and start ACTING on what you say. otherwise...he will continue to treat you exactly as how you allow him to.
right now...you come across as his personal maid/organizer he gets sex and companionship from, but that he does not feel is worthy of the respect due an actual partner.
Sounds to me like he doesn't
Sounds to me like he doesn't want to fight BUt then there is not fighting and being a whimp. Not my words. My husbands! He read your paragraph and called him a whimp....then he also stated, he probalby still loves her as well.
My advice, i would suggest you guys buy a home together. I personally would never have moved into thier home.
Other posts are right to say.
1. he doens't want to make waves with her.
2. the home you are living in, is his and in her mind hers...she still has access to it.
3. There are no boundaries of space and time because your bf has chosen this.
You cannot control your bf. He obviously wants to be friends with his ex and be open and communicative and agreeable because of his two sons. Or he wouldn't have accepted the facebook option. If he refused its negative and he just doesn't want confrontation. Nothign wrong there BUT if you feel you dont want this relationship in this manner, then maybe this is not the life you want.
Maybe there are red flags for you.
I know you have worked veyr hard to clean the house, organize etcet....but has your bf thanked you? or is he using you? Folkmom has a point, you sound like his maid, his organizer...not good position.
You feel its your home? right? Then do something big...make a big decision and based on his response, ie if he gets angry at you, then you know where you stand in your relationship.
I've loved many guys before who i just couldn't live with.
Advice:Why dont you drop off her stuff after the weeks have gone by on her doorstep. (give a month to go by...its long enough)Leave a note saying, its been a few weeks and we dont have room and we dont want to throw them out, here is your belongings. THen tell your bf, its been a month now and i dropped off your ex's stuff over to her place. See what he says or does?
Why dont you take it upon yourself to change the garage door, system and all. No access for bm to come in. See what he does or says?
oh yah, the baseball thing...it honestly sounds like she regrets leaving him.
Question: you said she left the house with tons of boxes everywhere....is she a hoarder? Does she has psychological issues?
It seems like the only thing
It seems like the only thing she took were his balls....
Anyway, a few thoughts. it does seem like you feel powerless to set up boundaries and conditions in your home and life. No matter what you desire, your BF may at any time change things to suit BM. This is clearly not acceptable for a healthy relationship. Perhaps you could take the top four or five incidents and reframe them for BF--as if it was happening between you and an EX. See how he reacts to that. That can help him see it through your eyes.
Are you planning to get married? Before you do, counseling may be needed. This issue has to be resolved. Either he is used to letting her call the shots due to fear of confrontation or habit, or doesn't want to rock the boat because she may get worse. Worst case, he does still care for her. Hope not!
I could have seen this happening if we had moved into DH's house--not the catering but the lack of initiative on BM's part. Very frustrating! DH did leave some things there for a few years though, we just went to get the rest of it. Of course much of it was stolen, lost or broken. So the drag on thing does happen. I also think that was very nice to let her look through before yard sale. Pick your battles! Don't get too petty. Then you look like the controlling one. You need to get to the core issue and resolve that.
Two years is/was more than
Two years is/was more than enough time for her to get her sh*t out of the house. I'd get her stuff, box it up and put it in the middle of his parking spot in the garage. That way he can't forget that it needs to be gone in 2 weeks. And Father's day is coming up - make his "gift" a new garage door opener. If the Ex somehow winds up in posession of a new remote programmed for the new opener you will definitely know just who it is he wants in his life.
2 years?? 2 weeks after i
2 years?? 2 weeks after i moved in with dh i threw all bm's shit out.......... she, too had over a year to get what she wanted before i entered the picture..... i even cleaned out the attic and threw more shit out... fortunately, we now live in "our" home and the only baggage of hers that i have to deal with in my house are the skids!
i would have her shit delivered to her and be done with it... if you find anything else toss it and don't say a word to anyone...
garage door opener ---- call the manufacturer and find out how to reprogram the number and change yours and bf's remotes all by yourself....... and then play dumb when her's doesn't work anymore!
SecondBest09, I completely
SecondBest09, I completely understand what you are going through. After my DH and I got married, I moved into the house he had built with his ex. They lived here for 10 years, so a lot of stuff has accumulated over the years. My DH was not respectful enough to go through the house and get rid of all the sentimental stuff, so I have slowly (and painfully, I might add) had to do it myself over the past two years. I am planning a yard sale sometime this summer and we are NOT telling the ex. SHE left the relationship (and the house) and what she didn't take...well, as far as I am concerned, it wasn't important then, so why should it be now!?! Her stuff will be sold or thrown away. My DH very much caters to his ex and it hurts me so much. My DH and his ex follow their divorce decree, except for when SHE is incovenienced and something doesn't fit with HER schedule. I understand that my DH is trying to avoid drama...I get it, BUT she is walking all over him, and they are not even married anymore. What is wrong with that picture? I really do wish you the best of luck.
I had a similar issue early
I had a similar issue early in my marriage. My husband is a passive, non-confrontational type too. There were several situations where I thought the BM was to intrusive. So, I went directly to the source, and basically told her to back off. I really haven't had any problems with her since. When you don't allow people to disrespect you, they generally don't.
I agree with some of the other posters. Once the one week passed and she didn't get her things, they should have been thrown out. End of story. She doesn't get to dictate what you store in your garage. You have to set boundaries and then BE FIRM.
As far as the Facebook thing, I really don't see that as being a big deal. Unless you put extremely personal info on Facebook, who cares if they're friends? My DH and BM are friends on Facebook. Their primary interaction on there is the exchange of pictures, or commenting on pictures each of them has posted of their son. I think stepparents have to really pick their battles, because, there will be plenty of opportunities for those.
And, as far as the garage door opener, I agree with another poster. Reprogam the remotes so hers does not work. She should not have access to your home whenever she feels like it.
Some of these situations you could actually have some degree of control over. Use it, since your BF clearly won't. One of you has to, otherwise, you're going to continue to have these issues. If he causes a stink about that, then, you may need to re-evaluate your relationship. I don't think he's "catering" to the ex-wife necessarily, he just doesn't want a confrontation.
I feel your pain. Good luck to you.
I sent everything that didn't
I sent everything that didn't belong to my stepchildren to a charity sale. I don't have the time to sort her crap and honestly, if it meant that much to her, she would have taken it with her when she moved.