..advice is needed. . .
So I'll try to make this short. I have been dating a wonderful man for over a year now. We already know we will get married and there is no doubt about that. He has two children. Daughter who is 2 and son who is 6. . their mother gets them most of the time, and we get them one day a week and every other weekend. but summers are different...they switch roles. . and starting yesterday, we have them full time. My bf is not strict enough. I am a firm believer in spanking, and time out but my bf always stays so calm and never raises his voice. I love that he is great with the kids, but I feel as if he wants to be more their friend then their father. I feel he wants his house to be the "cool" place, and better than their BMs. Last night at dinner he calmly told the kids to sit down 10 or 15 times and never once raised their voice...and did they sit? Nope..this morning, he told his daughter to get her hair brushed, she told him no and that she wanted to play with the dog..he rolled over and just said "okay but then after, we're going to brush your hair." Him and i both know they can talk to their BM as they want. she is a very passive person lets them do whatever. At her house, they sleep in bed with her, so at our house, they come in 5 or 6 times in the middle of the night because they arent used to sleeping alone. I constantly tell my BF that i am fed up of being the "bad parent" and he needs to be more stern, but he takes it as if im judging his parenting. He says he has done this for 6 years, and i dont have children of my own . . so i take it as if im not good enough to put my opinion in. I dont know what to do anymore. i feel like they rule the house when they come over and I'm pushed to the side until they go back to their BM's house. How can i sit down with my bf and AGREE on rules and parenting? How can i tell him how i feel WITHOUT offending him and making him feel like I'm bossing him around.
i appreciate the help of
i appreciate the help of making it work. leaving him is not an option in my mind...i want it to work out..i love his kids...but they need discipline and structure. . . thanks!
If you want to work it out
If you want to work it out than I suggest prepare a big bottle of red wine or maybe a stronger drink and learn to adjust and close your eyes above loooot of things. You will have to learn how not to see and notice things or otherwise they will drive you nuts and you will be the crazy stepmother who is making problems on every step. I grew up in a very strict family and rules in the house and my FH has almost no rules in the house even do his kids are very nice. I was going crazy and if I said something my FH was acusing me how I`m trying to spoil his time with the kids. Now I learned that I can`t change him (even if I tried to be strict but I got tired of being the "bad one" in the house)so I make a good gin n tonic on friday night before the EOW visitation and when they leave on monday I`m basically cleaning after them 10hours... Try to adjust it will be less painful than trying to change them and create frustration and tension. Good luck!
Frist off these kids have had
Frist off these kids have had 6 years of lack of parenting that they have lived by, so it is not going to be easy. Here you are the newbie and you want to change it up? The parents are not dissatisfied with the children you are. I would bet your the healthy one in the relationship also, how are you going to raise your children together? how ae you two going to parent, you should have these questions settled before you marry. I think your putting the horse before the cart.
I have to agree with KTL.
I have to agree with KTL. There is a history with the kids, and really, it's up to the parents to work out discipline. Unfortunately, what you want doesn't matter unless you are raising them fulltime. I mean, respecting you as in how they speak to you, etc...but changing up their parenting plan is not going to work. (Spanking, etc...all that is stuff that you should not be involved in at all) And take it from me, the more you bring up everything that you don't like about how your BF parents is going to make him feel like he's a crappy parent, and you don't want that.
My suggestion is for you to accept the little things (and most things are little) and try to enjoy having a fun relationship with them.
Also, as KTL mentioned, if you are planning on having children with your BF, you may want to consider his parenting style before running down the isle. One of the biggest causes of divorce is that parents are not on the same page when it comes to parenting and discipline.
It's not the end of the world if the kids need some extra attention from Dad, and need some re-assurance, or if his daughter doesn't brush her hair. That's trivial. What matters is their safety and happiness. As a step parent, your job is to foster a positive relationship between the skids and their Mother and Father. You are a supporting role in the family. I say this from almost 9 yrs of experience...In the end, your home will be much less stressful, and you will be able to enjoy your skids.
Your situation sounds a lot
Your situation sounds a lot like mine, I was raised in a very strict home and had quite a few expectations about how kids should be raised. My partner is not as strict as I am and at first it drove me crazy but for about 6 months I followed her lead and then I told her how I was feeling and how I thought the kids would benefit for some stricter guidelines in a few different areas. I also gave her examples of all the good things I had learned from watching her parent. She has started enforcing rules more and the biggie was following through on consequences and I have learned to be more flexible. I think that the kids have reacted very positively. It also helped that the BF is totally on board and we all are on the same page about acceptable behavior and consequences. Somethings still drive me crazy but I have to remember that they are not my kids and subtle changes have been better received. I do reserve the bigger discipline things to the birth parents and would not spank them, as I don't feel that is my place. I do try to have a lot of fun with them and assert myself where I can.