Visitation Dispute - I'm the cause apparently!
Hey guys need some help. Ive been with my partner for two years now. I have a daughter of 5years and my partner has taken her on as his own (her own father didnt want anything to do with her). I moved in with him after a year and he was having his two daughters every weekend, they are now 2 and 3 (tricky ages). Anyway i found this very overwhelming, and found that this put pressure on our very new relationship. After discussing this with my partner we both agreed that the best way was to have the girls every other weekend and for extended periods over holidays or when BM needed us to have them. (Is this unreasonable?) As a mother i have never disputed his responsibilty to his girls, however the BM feels that were trying to push the girls away, that eventually we will push them away altogether and that if we want time to ourselves i should get rid of my daughter too? She blames everything on me, and says that if we dont have them on the weekends she deems acceptable then she will stop visitation completely. Its hard enough being the step parent, without feeling that you have had all the blame put on you. Any advice without taking things to the court?
I dont doubt that she needs
I dont doubt that she needs the break, we all know how hard kids can be. There are more factors that come into this too that she doesnt take into account. My partner does roughly 4-5 hours travelling every week to pick them up/drop the off, works full time, has other commitments to his family during the week. Currently we have them three weekends and one half weekend in which the children are passed from mother, to father, to grandmother back to mother. We are looking for stability for the kids aswell as stability within our relationship. All the while trying to keep peace, but thats difficult when the BM makes things into a childish game, especially bringing it as low as to threaten to take my partners kids away from him altogether.
Sounds like you've already
Sounds like you've already spoken to her about this, but you could try again pushing the travelling as the issue (at those young ages they must be hell in the car)
I'd go back to the custody agreement & stick to the letter of that, if you want to change things, sounds like you're giong to have to do it officially, otherwise BM will start messing you guys around
So Im assuming you have your
So Im assuming you have your daughter full time. I can see how BM would feel a little like you are pushing them away even if that isnt your intention. In her eyes your partner was an active parent before you came along. Now, not only is he seeing his own children less but he is raising yours fulltime.
Let me add...Im not saying BM is justified in her feelings, just saying that I can understand where she might be getting these feelings.
I have to agree with the BM
I have to agree with the BM on this one, as much as I am choking on my words when I say that. If I was the BM and my children's father was active and involved in their lives and comfortable with the existing custody and then he met someone and decided to change things, I would not like that. These kids were in his life before you came along.
When DH and I got married he had 50/50 custody with BM. I might not have loved the arrangement, but I certainly never told him to change it and see his daughter LESS. In fact, eventually we had to change it so he saw his daughter MORE (70/30), and I not only supported that, I helped him put together the proposal to BM.
I'm sure having the stepkids every weekend if not the most ideal situation for you, but I don't think it's wise to tell your partner to see his kids LESS. That will come back to bite you later, in my opinion.
And I do understand about the driving issue. DH has to drive two hours if he wants to see SD. It's just a fact of life I have learned to live with.
When I divorced x got 50/50
When I divorced x got 50/50 with my two youngest 6mo, and 2, and the 7 yr old during the summer, otherwise, EOWE. I didn't like the kids being away from me that long. I didn't challenge it because I knew it wouldn't last. I made sure it didn't: when he had the kids--he had the kids... no help from me. Along came a new girlfriend... X called to say how about EOWE... How about it!! I was thrilled. Then he started skipping weekends or changing them to accommodate his social life, which interfered with the little social life I had at the time. I was losing my weekend babysitter... grrrr... (I do not think that your BM is worried as much about the pushing away, as she is losing her weekend relief.)
So what do you do? Can you take the kids EOWE and on the off weekends one or two nights during the Week?
I would never TELL my partner
I would never TELL my partner to stop seeing his kids EVER. Thats just pure evil. We spoke between us to try and find a solution to make the girls time with us more beneficial, whilst at the same time allowing our relationship to work. The girls are palmed off alot to the BM family, (so she has a break at least once a week) but thats not always enough i know. As a mother, i hate seeing my daughter go. In fact, id rather keep her as much as possible.
But know that sometimes my partner needs a break too, so i take that into consideration and do what i can.
We have no set legal visitation rights, its all done outside of the courts. What we want is to set up an amicable arrangement that works well for all of us, especially the girls. At the end of the day its the kids that are the most important thing. As the arrangement is at the moment, my partner is stressed, his time with the girls is strained at best. We've had a taster of the week on week off, and its seemed to work amazingly well. The girls are happy, their Daddy is happy and makes their time together means so much more. When they get to stay extra sleeps, they are very excited about it. Surely being less stressed and more giving and less time is more beneficial than more time and less quality.?
I have to agree with
I have to agree with elizabeth on this one. I dont think its fair to your partner for him to see his children LESS unless he wants to. My dh currently has EOWE (FOUR DAYS overnight A MONTH!!) with his daughter and its NOT enough time, even with extended visitation during summer and all that, but the BM in our case is crazy and doesnt actually parent SD, just lets her run amuck, so whenever she is over here, DH has to retrain her to act like a human being each time, so he needs to have more time with her, not sure about the BM you guys deal with... plus he lives almost 2 hrs away from SD, they meet at a halfway point so he drives an hour to pick her up. If distance isnt an issue, maybe you can do like what persephone said and have the kids EOWE and a few nights during the week...?