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Am I being selfish?

cain8cody12's picture

Okay, so a little background. My fiance and I have been together for 3 years. We are getting married on July 5th of this year. We moved in together last September and it has been a big adjustment for me. I have two bs's. One is 18 the other 14. I have raised them by myself their entire lives. He has 2 bd's, one is 15 the other 12. I have known both of them most of their lives. He has been divorced from their bm for almost 2 years. They had a really long drawn out divorce that lasted 28 months. The divorce papers state 50/50 custody with each parent getting the children on Friday to Friday. I have my sons 100 percent of the time, father is not in the picture at all. My boys go and do things on the weekends and always have so me having alone time was never an issue and my DF has never had to compete if that is the correct way to describe it. For the first year we were together he only had his girls every weekend and a day during the week, the rest of the time he lived at my home. We had some privacy and some alone time then. Now his girls are with us all but 2 days of each month and it is always in the middle of the week when we are both too exhausted to enjoy each others company. We work opposite schedules so time together is very limited. His girls get to see him on average about 6 hours per day while I on the other hand get 30 minutes per day except on Sundays when we are both off. I don't want to seem selfish but aren't parenting plans put in place for a reason? We pay her child support and she never has her kids or pays for anything they need. My DF says that she is not fit to be a mom so he doesn't mind having the kids all the time but my issue is that he is a truck driver and was gone for a lot of his kids lives and the bm was fine to have them all that time with no danger to them so why is now any different. Then on Sundays when we could spend any quality time together, his girls want to take off with him alone when he is off all day on Saturdays with them. I am really starting to resent them and I don't want to. They are constantly telling their BM things that don't really happen at our home. For instance, sex for us is very limited. If we ever have the time or energy is very rare. They have told their BM that they had to go outside because they hear noises coming from our room. That is very disrespectful and also completely untrue. When we do get a chance to spend any time together in our room we are usually interrupted every couple of minutes with mundane requests from them. I am not a young lady, I am 40 and so is he but that doesn't mean that we don't wish to be intimate and show our affections when the children are not present. My feeling is that they are old enough to know that we need some privacy and alone time too. How can I approach this with the DF and not sound like I am telling him to ship off his kids. I don't mind them being there I would just like to have some alone time with him and not have to worry about who might be listening. Any help would be appreciated.

Kb3Hooah's picture

What about having a date night out of the house once a week? The kids are old enough to be at home by themselves for a few hours.
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"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."

cain8cody12's picture

Thats the problem, the only night we are home together is Saturday night but I have been up since 4 and he has worked all day too so neither one feel much like going out anywhere.

Storm76's picture

If Sundays are the only day that the two of you are off work together, then you can make that your date day (or half day). Get it set out clearly that Sundays from say 1-6pm are private time for the two of you. You guys then need to make sure you get out of the house - go for a walk, a coffee, even a drive someone pretty & sit in the car, just so you have that time to connect.

Also, if the SDs are with you all but 2 days a month, then he needs to go get a CS modification, so BM starts paying you guys!

"God never gives us more than we can cope with, I just wish he didn't have such faith in me!"

cain8cody12's picture

I have told him to tell their bm that he is gonna take her back to court for an adjustment if she does not take advantage of her visitation and his response is if he tells her then she will start getting them when she is supposed to. That is kind of the idea,lol. I just don't understand why it is so much different now for them to be with their bm when it was fine for them to be with her for months at a time without him present when they were married. Sorry, it just doesn't make sense to me. Like I said my boys are with me 100% of the time but they go places and do things and can entertain themselves without being on top of me all the time and they never were like that. Is it just a girl thing? Sometimes I wonder if they took the place of his ex with him because they had such a horrible relationship. The oldest child doesn't really "compete" with me for his attention as much as the 12 year old. But it makes me really uncomfortable when she climbs up in his lap or kisses all over him. I never did those things with my dad at that age. It just seems really inappropriate to me and I have said something to him about it. He talked to her but she just continues to do it. Any advice on that one?

cain8cody12's picture

I have tried that tact and it doesn't work. He would rather have the kids with him anyway but I have told him the child support has to stop. She gets all the free time she wants with her new boyfriend while we get none. She also gets to spend her child support payments on herself cuz she damn sure isn't spending it on her kids. Wish I was that lucky too,lol. Like I stated earlier I don't mind the girls being with us I just wish they did not report everything that goes on in our home to their bm. It is none of her business the same as we don't ask what happens at her home (although they are there so little). I just want my children and his to get along and not resent each other for monetary things. My children do not have two parents, only me, so I am responsible for everything for them. Their bm does not work because she never has and doesn't feel the need to support her children which I feel is being forced on an already tight budget with 4 teenagers in the home.