I'm new here .....need some advice.
I've never posted any of my family life before. I'm usually able to deal with things on my on or with help from family and friends but......this is different. I feel pretty alone in this. I don't know anyone who is in a situation like mine so I'm turning to you all to see if you have some words of wisdom or advice.
I'm a step mother of 2 girls (ages 13 & 11) and I have a BS age 8. When my DH and I got together the girls were 3 and 1. He has had full custody since they separated. For the first 4 years their BM hardly saw them. She was on drugs, sleeping around, and really unstable. You can imagine the girls took to me almost instantly and I was their primary parent while my DH worked. I have loved them like my own from the beginning and truly feel like they are mine. Well when BM finally started to be a decent human being she started seeing the girls more. It has only been about three years of her actually being a parent to them. She has guilt and so she has compensated by trying to be the "Fun" parent. Now the girls have stated to rebel aginst me b/c they think I'm the strict one. They write stuff about how they don't like me and wish they could have their "real" family back together. (Yes I read things they write b/c I give a shit about what is going on in their lives. (Don't attack me for breaking their privacy ) It just hurts. I have unconditional love for them. It sucks knowing that I have sacrificed for them and loved them and their love and appreciation for me is so trivial. I know they are tween and teens but that doesn't make me feel better about all this. Please tell me there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My DH has always said that there would come a time when they didn't want me there but that when they grow up and see what all I did for them that their BM wouldn't do, they would thank me.....bit that's not making it easier for me right now. Help me out!!
dont feel bad about reading
dont feel bad about reading anything they do on the web, phones, etc. IMO (and others may disagree) children have no right to privacy with regard to communications with the exception of stuff they discuss with their parents. so if you are reading things they send to their BM or BD, then i dont think that's right.
all you can do is be consistent and stable. they wont like structure and rules on the surface, but as we all know children need and crave those two things for security, predictability,etc. even tho they will say they dont.
No reading of journals. They
No reading of journals. They were notes between school friends and letters they had written their father and I.but never gave us. Echo how did you do it? How did you cut ties that way. I'm sincerely asking. It would be like losing my own child. I don't know how I could just let them go like that. I know it's only a matter of time before they ask to go live with thwir BM.
The first step of letting go,
The first step of letting go, is accepting the (seemingly) unacceptable. As a stepmom, that means the harsh cold truth that no matter how crappy the birth mom is, she is preferable to you.
You must then mourn the loss of a future you thought you'd have with your steps. It was only the future you wanted and hoped for - not the one they wanted. Consider them to be like your first high school crush - like the unrequited love you felt when you were a teen. At the time, you thought you'd never get over it. But you did, eventually.
Finally, you come to accept our new role, which is not about them, but about you. Your role must make you happy, you must be content. You find yourself and create a life for yourself separate and apart from them. You feel happiness.
It can be done! Many of us have done it. Our broken hearts have healed, and we see we're better now. Hugs.
I agree, this isn't an attack
I agree, this isn't an attack either...but let me put it this way. I use this website to vent my frustrations. It isn't how I engage my skids, it's just a place for me to put out all my ugly thoughts and get advice so I can better engage in real life. Journaling is extremely therapeutic. It's actually GOOD that these girls want more of a relationship with their mother. It's very healthy, and shows they actually like her. While maybe not making the wisest decisions for them, they still enjoy being around her. If your SD's are not acting out against you in "real life" and your only concern is based on what you've read in their journals, then I wouldn't worry. We all think ugly things...we all have bad feelings, and writing them down is a very healthy way of dealing with those things.
When they become adults, they'll appreciate the fact that you were more strict, because adults understand that is what real parental love is all about: Actually giving a hit about how they turn out. They're teenagers, they're programmed to rebel against their parents. They're looking at their BM more like a big sister or cool aunt they can confide in... but when they need their rock, sounds like you and DH are doing a great job. Good for you for supporting their relationship with BM. I know it hurts sometimes, but it really is the best thing for them.
Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your sage advice. I wish I would have had this site years ago to prepare me for this. I would have never thought our lives would have turned around so much. I can see the resentfulness building towards me all the time. I will start excepting the new normal and try to make this transition as smooth as possible so that with some luck we have a healthy relationship. If I knew then what I know now....wonder how different things would be. Thanks again everyone! I know this place is going to give me some peace of mind over the coming hurdles.