BM has decided to stay with us for SD wedding

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I just read where the BM wrote to my SD on FB that when we travel for her wedding she plans to get a room next to ours. She feels we should all be together for this monumental event. I am just sick to my stomic about it as a whole week of this will be unbearable not to mention awkward as he--. And of course the SD totally agrees and is soooooo excited about it and my sweet DH doesn't want to ruin her big day or cause problems. And I don't either but I am just sick to my stomic about it. I knew that we were going to have to be there at the same time throughout the week but had NO idea that we would be staying at the same place the whole time...I am also afraid that we will have to go to dinner all of us together etc.....I want to throw up!! I really wish I had never seen that post on FB so that I didn't have to think on it...as I know I will until the fateful week. I was just getting over a sucky Easter due to the other SD now I have this to dwell on, as my DH would put it. What should I due? I am not good at being with them all. The girls LOVE to bring up the past and let me know that I am really not a part of their pasts! And because they feel like I stole "daddy's" attention they love to make me feel like the outsider.

This is what you do. Change

This is what you do.

Change your hotel. Don't stay next door to the BM. That's ridiculous and this whole event is stressfull enough on SM's, trust me, I'm going through it all myself right now.

I wouldn't stay next door to BM no matter what. And if DH demanded it he'd be there by himself thinking about which attorney to hire for the divorce.

Count your blessings though, my SD has decided to get married on the same day that her mommy and daddy did. Isn't that sweet?

"Count your blessings

"Count your blessings though, my SD has decided to get married on the same day that her mommy and daddy did. Isn't that sweet?"

I almost vomitted..lol

I would keep the room and

I would keep the room and have loud awesome sex every spare minute of the trip!!!

OK, THAT made me laugh out

OK, THAT made me laugh out loud! Good one!

You call the front desk of

You call the front desk of the hotel where the rooms are reserved and you speak to the manager - request that the rooms next to BM's just happen to be "unavailable" during that week, so you guys will just have to "settle" on a room on a different part of the hotel.....darn!

As for the dinners, will arr guys planning on eating out every night? Or just a couple of nights?

______________________________________
"Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments, they've had the same argument hundreds of times."

Thanks guys. Everyone has

Thanks guys. Everyone has had such great ideas that I'm am certain that something should work. URRRRRG! The whole trip is making me sick.....

Look at it this way, at

Look at it this way, at least you were warned and can do something about it. Think if you'd arrived and gotten a knock-knock from your friendly neighbor?

OMG!!! Thank you!!

Blessing counted!!

Wait until BM books - tell

Wait until BM books - tell SD to do a little reconnaisance for you in that regard, then once she is booked - you change your reservation!
Won't it be funny when she is knocking on the door next to hers to talk to BF and it's someone else!

Okay!!! LM-large-AO!!!

Okay!!! LM-large-AO!!! That's funny and so wicked I actually like it!!! I wonder if I could talk my DH into doing that one!!!! Thanks!!! :)~ (sorry new on here and dont know how to insert the smiles yet!!) LOL!!!

my stomach hurts for

my stomach hurts for you...

i was for changing hotels..... but the loud awesome sex was a great idea, too....

but after thought -- change hotels

I know, loud awesome sex the

I know, loud awesome sex the first day, then change to a whole other area of the hotel (that you reserved in advance) and say it's because the bed broke. teehee.

(rolling on the floor!!

(rolling on the floor!! Laughing my fool head off!) Gee and to think I was thinking this was going to be a rotten time!!!

giggle....giggle!!! (while rubbing hands together!) You girls are so helpful!!!

Thanks!!!

You're cute "There are two

You're cute

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

One thing that getting older

One thing that getting older has taught me is that it's important to be gracious in uncomfortable situations. Maybe this is an opportunity for you to learn this in life.
Everyone else seems happy and able to handle it. Why can't you be happy too? I guess I'd understand your wanting to avoid being in an uncomfortable situation if you entered the relationship with guilt, but if you have nothing to be ashamed of, why stress about it?

Maybe BM will have a hot, younger lover and THEY will be the ones having hot, loud sex next door!

Well let me explain it to

Well let me explain it to you then.....first off I have NOTHING AT ALL TO BE ASHAMED OF!!! Second you have no idea what the BM is like. But perhaps you've met someone with her condition...she is BiPolar and refuses to take her meds.

The first time we actually had to be around her, infront of all of my SD's classmates she called me everything but a white woman! That was just after I smiled and politely said "Hi!" And just for the record...I never said a word back at her and my DH asked me why I didn't just kick her a--. And I told him that it was the SD's mother and that would not be right. And after my SD said she was sorry to me I told her "don't worry about it sweetie...if you had said those things then I would be upset, but she didn't upset me" and between you and me...it DID UPSET ME!!

Perhaps now you can understand a little more as to why I might feel...oh I don't know....how did you put it...uncomfortable!!

Lifeisshort,,, I disagree

Lifeisshort,,, I disagree with you on this one.. I have loved my SD and SS and have been in their life since they were small children...and they love me too.. I also have nothing to be ashamed of as a SM... But there is NO WAY IN HELL, I would want to be on the same floor with my DH EX... Who by the way has done nothing but try and make the Skids choose between DH and me... And herself... And that is sick... So would I be uncomfortable even after 12 years, yes I would... I will go to my SD and SS weddings and I will have a good time.. But you can be damned sure it won't be because the BM wants me there.. No matter how much I love the kids, because she has not been able to lead my DH around by his kahunas these past 12 years she hates my guts.... And my stomach still turns when I have to see her face....

You obviously did not take

You obviously did not take my response in the manner in which it was intended. Instead, you responded defensively.
I don't care about who did this and how you didn't do that, and who told who what... not interested.
You can find a way to rise above the pettiness. It sounds like you're trying.

I agree with you

I agree with you life...grace and dignity under pressure and discomfort...it goes a long long way.

Wow, Lifeisshort. In the

Wow, Lifeisshort. In the course of two responses where you seem to be trying to give her advice, you called her both petty and immature. And told her you weren't interested in what she has to say.

There is another way to see this. As I've gotten older, two things that life has taught me are the following: First, it's important to be considerate of others and the potential that they might feel uncomfortable in certain situations. A considerate BM would recognize that it might be uncomfortable for the OP and her husband to have to be right next to her. A considerate BM, one who had thoughts of others besides herself, would not have booked that room.

Second, it is not a bad thing to decide to make a bad situation better for yourself if it doesn't cause harm to others. It is a wise and mature thing to recognize that it is alright to choose for yourself sometimes. Switching rooms is not at all petty. It is counteracting a thoughtless act with another act that doesn't hurt anyone but is better for her mental health.

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Thanks belleboudeuse. That

Thanks belleboudeuse. That is exactly how it made me feel. I was venting about an event that is and will be very uncomfortable. And due to the many...many experiences that I have had already with this woman I find that it makes me sick to think about having to face it again.

Now don't anyone get me wrong I ALWAYS think of the SD's when it comes to things such as this and if the SD got terribly upset I would grit my teeth, put on a smile and do it...but does it mean that I cant just vent and have feelings myself!

And I feel as you do belleboudeuse....what harm is it if my DH and I stay in another hotel!!?? How is that going to effect anyone and ruin this event????? Wouldn't you think that people who had any kind of heart at all would understand that??? I know I would. But perhaps I'm just slow......

From the OP, I'm assuming

From the OP, I'm assuming that the wedding is a destination wedding, or at least away from where everyone else lives. Why wouldn't BM choose to stay at the same hotel that her DD, and everyone else, is staying for the wedding? She wants to be near her daughter to share in the occasion. I see nothing wrong with that. I would do the same.

It's fine to want consideration from others. Expecting it, well that's a different story. For a parent, watching and planning a daughter's wedding, there are a lot of people to consider, lots of expectations, lots of feelings that could be hurt. Sometimes family members have to just suck it up and deal when these situations occur. It's not ideal, but it is what it is. If you cannot change someone else, then what happens? You change yourself, your attitude and your expectations. You change your perception. If the OP could change her perception, this wouldn't even be an issue. It's all in how you look at it.

While I agree with you that it is ideal for people to be considerate of others in uncomfortable situations, I can't see how the Mom is being inconsiderate here. At least, not purposefully. Her child is getting married. She wants to to stay at the same hotel with her family. I have to say, when my child gets married, my main concern will be my child and my experience in seeing her get married. I'm sorry, but I won't be concerned with whether or not someone is uncomfortable with my being at the same hotel. Not on my radar. Maybe this is how the BM in this case perceives the issue, as well. Again, it's all in the perception.

JMHO.

Well, from reading the

Well, from reading the original post, the OP says that the BM "plans" to get a room right next to the OP and her husband. I read that as in, right next door. Not "in the same hotel." You say that you won't be concerned with whether someone is concerned that you're in the same hotel, because it won't be on your radar. But from what the OP says, this is not someone who just "happened" to be booked in the room next to theirs, it's the BM planning actively to do that. That doesn't sound like it's not "on her radar." It sounds like she is doing it very much on purpose.

Perhaps I'm not reading that right. But if that is what she plans, and she didn't talk about it with her ex and her ex's wife, then I think that's inappropriate and the OP should feel fine changing rooms if she doesn't feel comfortable being that close. The BM has the right to do whatever she wants -- but the OP has the right to move herself to another floor if she doesn't feel comfortable. How is that harming the BM?

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

No she did not ask myself or

No she did not ask myself or the DH anything reguarding it. Infact if I had not seen it on FB then we would never had known. She wanted to know what rooms we were all in.

But hey....I am not second best or second class and will handle it accordingly. It is what it is and that is it.

I was venting and wish to hell that I had just kept it all inside. I guess it's a leason well learned. None of you can even imagine what this woman is like and really I don't have the time or finger strength to type it all.

But I do appreciate you belleboudeuse, as I do beleave that you are trying to genuinely help me with the situation. Though I do or rather did enjoy the silly visions that I got from some of the other posts.

Thanks

We don't know that when BM

We don't know that when BM asked where "everyone" was staying that her objective was to get a room right next to SM. Really? Does the SM think that she's so important to BM that BM's real objective in all this is to be near her? And even if it is, so what?

For all we know, BM asked where everyone was staying so she could book a room to be near her daughter so she could be right there when she puts her dress on and absorb all the memories being made. I don't think BM should be obligated to run her hotel plans by SM for approval. I agree with you that SM and BD should feel free to change their arrangements, if that's what they BOTH want to do. I think the BD should have a say as well. I mean, his child is getting married, right? Doesn't what he wants hold any sway?

Sometimes, in families, we have extenuating circumstances that call for us to rise above the pettiness and just deal. Everyone has to do it at some point. And acting gracious in those circumstances says more about our character than anything else.

I'm not so self-important that I think my feelings should be considered on the subject, should the situation be reversed. That's her child getting married, my feelings and insecurities shouldn't be their concern.

JMHO.

lifeisshort... I don't know

lifeisshort... I don't know you and am not trying to start a war here.. From reading your responses I am wondering are you a SM, who has ever had a hellish relationship with the BM??? I understand your point of trying to be gracious and rise above for the sake of SD..
Which many of us do everyday of our lives.... But I don't think is is a coincidence that the rooms are next to each other, I personally am not that gullible..It would be different if everyone was comfortable with everyone else but it doesn't seem to be that way to me or the SM would not be worried about this at all.. Regardless of this it is the SD day and everyone is there to show her that they love her and are happy for her.. And I am sure that if she loves her SM also she would not want her to be uncomfortable and would not object to having the room changed.. And as for DH.. I am sure he does not want his wife to be miserable and uncomfortable..This is supposed to be a happy time in all of their lives, including the SM..

She can be gracious from afar she does not have to be gracious with a joining walls...

And this is my opinion, I love my Skids, but I still would not want a room near BM...and can understand why this SM feels the way she does...

JMO

Okay, this is getting

Okay, this is getting technical, but it's true that the devil is in the details.

If the details are at the root of the problem, then we should have all sides of the story. We do not have that and probably will never have that. We only have one side of the story, and we all know that there are three sides to every story - his, hers and the truth. So we have to try and find the middle.

Do we know for sure that the rooms are RIGHT next to each other? No. The OP said that she saw on FB that the BM mentioned that the rooms were "next to each other." Not RIGHT next to each other. So, that could mean any number of things: The rooms could be adjoining. The rooms could be across the hall. The rooms could be on the same floor. I think sometimes people exaggerate for effect, and it's entirely possible that the BM is being general in her description of where the rooms are in relation to each other. So, before SM gets too stressed out about it, she should find out exactly where the rooms are. Then she would know for sure what steps to take.

Why stress over so many possibilities and interpretations? That doesn't help. I was only advocating trying to let it go. At times, that can be a hard thing to do. I have learned to let things go quickly because I value my health and my emotional well-being. It's not peace at all costs, it's me loving my self enough to let things go. I want to be like a Teflon pan - nothing nasty sticks to me for very long. It might initially tweak me a little, but I have to let the negative feelings go because I value myself, my health and my mental well-being more than I value being angry, resentful and bitter. Me being angry, resentful and bitter toward someone else doesn't hurt them - it hurts ME. It's taken a long time, but I've gotten into the groove of it now. But that's my choice for my self.

I hope the OP can find peace and not stress too much over something that really doesn't amount to much in the grand scheme of things.

JMHO.

No lifeisshort you don't

No lifeisshort you don't know the "all sides" of the story and to be honest, and I don't mean to sound rude or in any way cruel, you really don't need to know all that this woman has put...not just myself, my husband or the other SD, but the child that she is wanting to now be a part of because of a wedding. A wedding that she paid $0.00 for. I vented about the rooms on this blog not knowing that you or anyone else would have to know all of our history with this woman...who yes I will say is mentally ill and I am not saying that being "cady" or hateful. That truely is NOT her fault....but the fact that she refuses to take her medication is! And that fact my friend frightens the living hell out of me...I DO want the wedding to be fantastic....but I also know that I don't want to have to be any where near the woman if I don't have to be. But would I do it for the SD? Yes lifeisshort I would..And again...I do not mean to sound rude or cuel but you not only don't know the whole situation but you don't know me.

You don't have to apologize

You don't have to apologize to me for sounding cruel or my not knowing everything that has happened between the two of you. You don't have to share anything about the history you share with her if you don't want to. It's not my business.

But it's obvious you don't like and don't want to be around this woman. But with family events, like a wedding, that is not realistic. You're going to have to be around her for this event, at least some of the time. You're right, she should be held accountable for NOT taking her meds, but her mental illness is not something that can be held against her. Since you know she is mentally ill, try not to read so much into her intentions in booking that hotel room. Try to find out where her room is and then see if it bothers you enough that you need to switch rooms with the hotel. Go from there.

Like I said before, being angry and resentful toward someone else doesn't hurt them, it hurts YOU. If you can make a plan to lessen your stress level, great. Just try not to assume that she's doing these things to get to you. If you can, when you're all in the same space, do some visualizing: separate yourself from her in your mind by drawing an invisible line between you and her, picture her in a bubble, where you cannot hear her, or picture yourself like a duck, letting the water (her presence) roll off your feathers. I've had to do this in uncomfortable situations, and it's helped me a great deal.
Just trying to come up with some coping mechanisms for you...

Ditto, Ms. Freeze....I am

Ditto, Ms. Freeze....I am done... She sounds like our BM also..

Okay, well even so, even if

Okay, well even so, even if everything you say here is true, then why is it a problem for the OP to change rooms?

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

BB, this is what I wrote in

BB, this is what I wrote in my response to you:
"I agree with you that SM and BD should feel free to change their arrangements, if that's what they BOTH want to do."

If they want to change their room, that's their decision. Why would I have a problem with that?
I think you're reading a lot into what I've been saying here. I'm advocating for the OP to let the stress fall away from her, to find out for sure what the arrangements are instead of assuming someone what else's objectives or intentions might be, and to enjoy herself in being a gracious, happy SM at the wedding, enjoying herself, her husband, her SD and the joy of the occasion.

I get that you feel that

I get that you feel that way. And I'm sorry if you feel that I'm being harsh with you -- I was reacting to what I felt was an attitude of condescension on your part. Perhaps not everyone else saw that, so I may be wrong. Yes, I agree with you that it would be great if she could let the stressed fall away from her. But what she's saying is "This is really stressing me out" and your response is essentially, You're being petty, stop being stressed, stop feeling the way you do.

You're telling her to stop feeling this way and become gracious and happy. I'm telling her that if she's unable to stop being stressed about this, then she should change the room. I will say, the OP reacted with strong offense at the way you phrased your responses. And as I read them, I didn't blame her for reacting that way.

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

As I said in a previous

As I said in a previous response, I have learned to let things go quickly. Perhaps I forget that others cannot let things go as quickly and I might use language that could be interpreted as pushy. I apologize, if that is the case.

I just hate to see people stress over things that really don't amount to much in the grand scheme of things... I also know that sometimes people can read things with a certain "voice" in their head, just as some did on this thread when they assumed I was "their BM." I try very hard not to do that because it's not fair to the other person, but I know it happens. I try not to take offense to that.

I'm not necessarily telling the OP to "stop feeling this way and be gracious and happy." I'm trying to communicate that when we see things a certain way, they WILL be that way. When we change our perspective, everything else changes. And usually for the good.

I also think if she can apply this to her thinking, she can stop feeling like a victim, like the BM is always out to get her. That is a powerless position to be in. I know what that feels like and it's debilitating. If the OP can find her way out of that "fog," she will have accomplished so much for herself.

That's a lot to try and get across in a post, but those were my intentions in my posts. They got side-tracked by my trying to defend myself, but that was the jist of it.

Fair enough. Thanks for the

Fair enough. Thanks for the explanation.

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Ok...either I can't read

Ok...either I can't read into the real meaning behind lifes post or I'm slow today. I didn't see anything offensive in her post . The way I took it was life saying basically "why r you stressing about this?? You have nothing to be ashamed of and this is a perfect opportunity to be graceful and dignified in a less than ideal situation...and who knows...bm might surprise you and embarrass herself by having some young buck in her room all noisy...don't stress the small stuff." THAT is what I took from her post...I have been wrong often though:)

Yes, that is what I was

Yes, that is what I was getting at.
I don't see how I was criticizing her. I was just advocating for letting it all roll off her back. Stress is a killer!

Maybe it is me that is slow

Maybe it is me that is slow today... I do have times when I have to be around BM, and even after 12 years it is uncomfortable for me.. I have forgiven this women only to have her kick me in the teeth again.. what I did not understand was this statement...I guess I'd understand your wanting to avoid being in an uncomfortable situation if you entered the relationship with guilt, but if you have nothing to be ashamed of, why stress about it?

What does ... if you entered the relationship with guilt mean ?? But if you have nothing to be ashamed of, why stress about it... I would have nothing to be ashamed of and believe me I would stress.. I just don't enjoy being around BM... For my Skids sake I do and am gracious when I have to be.. and smile and keep my mouth shut for the sake of the Skids... But there is no way I would want to have the room next to her in the hotel during what is supposed to be a joyous time for my SD..

Maybe I took the post wrong myself...

I took that part as ,"if you

I took that part as ,"if you entered into it w guilt then there is reason to be uncomfortable,but if you didn't enter it in a guilty way then don't waste your time stressing"

BBB ok Got it I guess I am

BBB ok Got it I guess I am the slow one today... But I still don't want a room next to our BM, unless everything changes back to the way she was when we all got along... Then I don't think I would care..

JMO Hugs

Well...if I'm in "high

Well...if I'm in "high road"mode...then i'd want aanother hotel. I don't trust myself not to act as a snooty,sexy biatch if frizz was in the room next to me...although H might enjoy it bc he'd get his world rocked. I'm a freaky girl though, it'd be such a rush knowing frizz could hear me pleasing the man she let slip right through her wrinkly little hands:) but...I think it would be smarter to be far away from her

Wow! This is all scary

Wow! This is all scary because one day I'll be attending SD's wedding to her fiance..might be a year from now, but one day.

I'd rather curl the BM up in a ball and roll her over the Grand Canyon than sit anywhere near her sorry ass at a wedding let alone a baby/wedding shower which I will also be attending one day as well.

..and with the ex-lunatic.

I'll attend all with a smile on my face because it's for my SD but it won't be something I would wish on anyone. Things like this give the psycho chances to act like she's still large and in charge...maybe I'll have to remind her that she's in public and those bench warrants might have to come into light....call the nearest police station and tell them she's there. Or guide them to her stash of pot that she has growing in her tiny hotel room that is a wide known chain of hotels. Or let her freak out and go "Gangsta" on all of us when we don't give her the attention she feels she needs on her daughter's day and let her language come out that would put the movie "Goodfellas" to shame.

Our BM is a just a total loser. She can act anyway she wants - I plan to take the high road.

Good luck, exhausted! I'm with ya,girlfriend. I'll be in your shoes soon.

You are here

BM has decided to stay with us for SD wedding