Am I Wrong to be Upset?
Hubby and I have been married since Valentine's Day of this year - his ex is a total loser who lives in a hotel and lives off the state. We have custody of their 17 year old and they also have a 19 year old daughter who lives with her fiance.
My hubby talks about all the BS his ex put him thru - I do believe that his ex put him thru total hell compared to myself and my ex was not a saint at all. He talks about loathing her all the time.
She caused problems with us many times in the past sending text messages and emails causing us to really battle it out over why it was going on and I told him he was to stop her or I was done. He then changed his number and she was not given it back in December.
He works around 65 hours a week and I hardly see him. So today I was between offices so I called his phone - it went to voicemail so I left a message telling him I loved him and missed him and hung up. About 5 minutes later he called me and when asked what he was doing he replied he was getting ready for work and was going to stop by Walmart. He acted funny but I put it off to him being tired.
When I got home I looked at our cell phone bill and checked each phone for data charges for they are outrageous lately - I then looked to see what calls had been dialed or received - and no I don't do this normally - but there was a 25 minute conversation with his ex wife - at the time I called him and he never answered. I remember how he had returned my phone call so he had to have been talking with her as I was leaving the voicemail.
I was floored - his 17 year old had gotten in trouble in school this week and is going to be spending a week with his mother for spring break so if for some reason my hubby decided to call this woman after all these months of no conversation I guess I'm wondering why and why he wouldn't tell me??
She had already picked him up so he called her after she picked their son up and was headed to her hotel. I guess I'm upset and confused at how each time my ex or his family has either called or emailed me I have told him - EVERY time. I have nothing to hide on the situation. I know his ex likes to get personal and I know he knows I don't like that so I'm sure he didn't want me to know.
But still - I am his wife now. Nothing should be hid..especially if the ex picked up their son and they were communicating on his care??
Am I overthinking this? If so, blast me for it. But what the hell would the reason be? This woman feels he and she are best friends and acts like if she could she'd call him daily. He and I have went around about this very thing - his kids are too old for them to have to contact each other.
She doesn't pay support for her son and hardly sees him but once every couple months.
This makes me feel very funny towards him - if he can talk smack about her with me yet keep the fact they spoke for a while on the phone after months of no contact...then why?
Am I crazy here? This woman would stop at nothing when it comes to starting trouble.
Hi Step - and I agree with
Hi Step - and I agree with you. I surely don't want to take all of it on.
I think I was just hurt to know that he couldn't be honest with me and just say he had just spoken to his ex when it never bothers me to tell him every time I talk with mine for any reason. I feel it's nothing to hide you know?
Yet I've watched this woman pull all kinds of stunts to get his attention and I really wonder why we can talk about anything and everything - yet he simply couldn't admit he had been talking to her.
Just bothered me I guess..:(
thanks for your honesty!
Have you seen him since? I
Have you seen him since? I think the way I would handle this, since it so recently happened, I would wait to see if he mentioned it.
You might even give him an opening next time you see him like, "Oh, I noticed SS forgot to take such and such with him for his visit with BM. I guess he'll be okay without it."
Then see if he confesses. I'd probably even give my husband as long as I could to mention it. Also, if it only happens that once, I might overlook it entirely. Maybe he just doesn't want to upset you with babymomma drama. But keep an eye on if it keeps occurring.
Nope - he's on 2nd shift so
Nope - he's on 2nd shift so I haven't talked to him. Not sure how to address it but I am sure it's to do with his son's visit with his mother out of town. I've heard him say that his son is almost 18 and can deal with his mother so I guess it kind of surprised me the sudden need to talk to her after many months of no contact.
She is broken up from her man and is known to pursue him when she's down and out and he would tell me how she acted after their divorce.
So I have to trust in him that the conversation was ONLY about their children - and only that. If it was anything more then I do believe he and I would have to discuss it to find out why the need for personal stuff to be talked about.
Oh no - lol. Nothing like
Oh no - lol. Nothing like that at all.
I guess I am just all about honesty. Even when it comes to phone calls from the ex - you know? Every day stuff in our lives that we talk to our spouse's about.
In my world, my ex calls and I say what has to be said and I can tell my husband without thinking that we talked. That's because it means nothing to me. I've never lied about it to him and never intend to. Never hid it either.
If I ask what he was doing and he tells me nothing and was having a lengthy conversation with his ex - it surely wasn't nothing.
I think it's the fact that he just kept me out of it. I'm just a little hurt more than I'm angry or upset. I can't think of a thing I haven't shared with him and that includes phone calls with my ex.
Does that make sense? Or am I just becoming an insecure wife who is blowing this out of purportion?
Step, believe it or not I do
Step, believe it or not I do get what you mean.
And I knew I was getting in too high with this. My hurt feelings got the better of me and I know it will be like this for a while. I'm more open about my relationship with my contact with my ex and my daughter and deep down I thought he was too. I see now that it is a learning game.
I've tried very hard up to now to do exactly that - keep his kids and ex out of our marriage...yet he's the one that keeps telling me he wants all of our children to be included in everything. So I try very hard to do that..yet in this situation I guess it was just something I had to not be informed about and I'm sure he has his reason - as to which I'll respect.
thanks for your honesty - I truly respect it.
I agree with stepberg. What
I agree with stepberg. What he does concerning his kids should not be up for aquisition. He will resent you if he feel like he has to consult you EVERY time he co-parents. Despite her flaws, it doesn't mean that he should cut off communication with her completley, that is unfair and hasty. Additionally you should not be encouraging that. Also, I live by this motto: When you snoop, you will find. Don't get mad at what you find, you shouldn't have been snooping.
Between you just finding out
Between you just finding out about this and his busy work schedule has he had the opportunity to discuss the call with you?
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"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”
I go thru this with my BF.
I go thru this with my BF. I don't want to hear about her calls but if I know she has called, I am very curious as to what is going on.
Usually BM only calls if she needs a shoulder to cry on (he is starting to hang up on those calls those b/c of the blowout we had a few weeks ago...yay) or if one of the kids has gotten in trouble.
Maybe he didn't tell you at first b/c it was a complicated sitch and he didn't have time to go into it all right then. Or maybe he was upset at something with his boy and BM and needed to work some things out.
I have to try really, really hard to keep my jealous/nosey self out of calls they have if he doesn't want to share.
And if I do get him to tell me what they were talking about, I'm usually pissed at some stupid stuff they have done and then regret ever asking.
Hi all - I talked to my
Hi all - I talked to my husband about this phone call. And just as I suspected she had her usual 'woe-est-me' attitude going on.
He HAD called her to discuss their son who is staying with her until next Wednesday. She proceeded to tell him that she cried on our wedding day - as to which I had to remind him that this is the scenerio each and EVERY time the 2 of them 'discuss' their son.
There are always personal comments made by her to direct the talk off of their child. Being that she does not see him but once every 2-3 months and doesn't pay support and has nothing to do with his school of any kind, I find it very ridiculous for my husband and her to have to discuss anything. No matter what the conversation it always turns towards her feelings and how bad her life is.
The fact he told me about the conversation was helpful - but what I want him to understand is that not only do I see her behavior - I see HIS as well. How well he diverts her in cases such as this. I look at if he entertains her when she speaks of stuff such as this - if so - why would he? People only treat you as you let them - if she feels a door is open she will continue her talk.
While I understand that a parent needs to converse with the other parent on their children, I do NOT agree with the fact that a child can be a mutual topic to bring up bullshit such as what she said.
He tells me it's every time they talk - her discussing their past and how much she misses him.
Now tell me - would anyone want to sit with your husband's ex wife who proclaims she is miserable, still loves him and whines about her life - at their stepdaughter's baby shower this upcoming summer? That's what I am expected to do - I feel she has WAY too much access to our lives as it is - and also is not working so how she plans to plan for a baby shower and pay for it is beyond me. I am about ready to plan one with my family and his - and let the bitch just plan to have one for her daughter on her own. If that sounds mean, I'm sorry - but I just feel sometimes the ex can be shoved down the new spouse's throat wayyyyy too many times.
I feel she's had way too much rope over the years - she ruined a couple relationships of my DH's due to her involvement and I am sure if she wanted to she could really raise all kinds of hell more than she has. If she had genuine intentions I could see the possibility of having something together - but her intentions are far from genuine.
He now left me a voicemail saying we should change our numbers so neither one of our exes can have our new numbers - my daughter is 19 and I feel can deal with her father on her own and his kids are 19 and almost 18. What kind of hurts me about all of this is this discussion that I am having is one we've had numerous times - I've tried to explain it's not healthy to allow your ex to go on about her problems and issues and try to make your marriage a good one - we've only been married 7 weeks so it's not good to allow her to act this way. YOU are the one that has to let it be known your kids are what are mattering - not the ex.
Why do I feel this is a talk I've done to death only to now have it come to a head because he's not liking my ex calling me for any purpose? He says he really doesn't like it either - but what he is NOT realizing is that my ex does not call to tell me he loves me nor does he say he cried on my wedding day - we discuss our daughter and nothing else. IF the conversation turns personal on his part - and it has - he has been told LOUDLY to stop - I leave no bones about what I mean. My DH has heard me tell him where to go in the beginning of our relationship when he got personal about my relationship with DH and I don't hesitate to remind him I'm with someone so shut the hell up! If it's not about our daughter, our conversation is over.
Thoughts?
Can I be honest? I think
Can I be honest? I think that he probably didn't tell you because he knew that you'd flip out about it. I would think that, especially since the 17 year old is in trouble, talking to her about it would be the responsible thing to do. I think that for the two of you to be a team, you may need to relax about him speaking to her and once that happens, he may feel comfortable in confiding in you about these things.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".