all the birth mother and step child hardship aside....
Forums:
How do you cope with the idea alone... That your husband has kids with another woman.... You did not and can never bare him his first born.... And you will never be #1 in his life because it will always be the children that came before you with another woman that come first.... How do you make those negative emotions go away?
I know that I am the woman
I know that I am the woman that he will have loved the most in his life.
And that makes the child that we had together his most special of all. 
love this ;0
love this ;0
I think that if he is the
I think that if he is the RIGHT man, he WILL put you first. The center of any happy, thriving family is the couple. The children derive their stability from the stability of the adult spouses. A partner who says, "My children will always come first" is telling you that your needs will always come after their WANTS. That is not a recipe for success.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
BB, "A partner who says, "My
BB,
"A partner who says, "My children will always come first" is telling you that your needs will always come after their WANTS. That is not a recipe for success."
That's a really great way to put it, thanks for that
I'm writing it down so I remember it..
"You can complain because roses have thorns, or you can rejoice because thorns have roses." Ziggy
Hmmm... well my husband
Hmmm... well my husband never loved anyone before me. He got some girl he didnt even know preggo did the right thing married her, and it ended in divorce of course. I never looked at it as anything else. I have never been jealous over his ex or any of our children.
My hubby always tell everyone him and I are one person and we make all choices together. If they dont agree he tells them to buy a bible.
DH puts the kids first I
DH puts the kids first I think in many things but honestly, I do as well so I push the negative emotions aside by saying "Kids are the future so we must be responsible and put them first for certain things."
However, when it comes to the child bearing thing, that is very hard to push through. I DO take solace in how SS9 and SS11 have my mannerisms and this helps to push the negativity aside.
We try to keep each other first in things like conflicts or child rearing. The kids go first with money like braces, food, clothes ... but we save a little for s.
NomadMommy - I think it
NomadMommy - I think it helps to realize that relationships aren't always about "firsts" they are about loving and supporting and growing WITH each other, instead of away from each other.
You have had your share of firsts with other men, and boys, as well, don't forget. There was your first kiss, first sex, first orgasm, first real adult love ... While each of those relationships had their firsts...as you grew out of them, you became the person that you are.
Your husband may have had to go through those things to grow into who it is that you love. Don't hold those things against him.
If I could tell you anything, it would be to love him for who he is now. And realize that you are his first in some other ways, too!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
You all are so very helpful,
You all are so very helpful, thank you.
If I think too much about
If I think too much about it, I start to feel like I can't breathe and that I'm slowly being crushed. My dad once told me though that the way to look at it would be to know that BF would probably love our children the most. It's not because ours would be better than the others but simply due to circumstance. BF would be around our children all the time. He'd be able to tuck them into bed every night. He'd get to see their first steps, be the only one called Daddy. He would be in a parenting unit and not just the EOW dad. Those are the thoughts that I hang onto when I start to feel sad about the fact that he is already a father.
"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
I think that most good
I think that most good fathers would put their children "first", even when married forever to their mother. I don't mean that they will bow down to their children and just push their wife aside, but I think that if a father has to choose between the well-being of their spouse vs. the well-being of their child, they're going to choose child. It's a balance in every parent-child-spouse relationship. Besides, the kind of love you have for a child and the kind you have for a spouse are so different that there's no point in comparing the two.
You know I use to agree with
You know I use to agree with this line of thought but after growing up as a child that was put first, I can now see how it hurt my parents' marriage. I know that I'm one of the lucky ones. My parents were absolutely amazing and each of them put my brother and I before the other. It really did some damage to the marriage. They actually get a long one hundred percent better now that we are grown compared to when we were young. I can remember my dad being sad because my mom was so wrapped up in raising us and would ignore him at times and I watched my mom struggle with tears because my dad was too busy chasing after us to help her when she needed it. They were an extreme case though.
I think it's about finding a good balance, like you said. It is my hope that I can be the amazing parent that they were but that I can also learn from their mistakes and be a better spouse.
"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
Silver, I agree. My mom,
Silver, I agree. My mom, especially, put me first, and the results were:
1) I was completely smothered (I was an only child)
2) My parents grew apart and so when I left home, they had essentially no relationship left.
In my case, I would have been a much happier child if they had put their relationship first a little more. A kid needs to know that her parents love each other and that they have a strong bond. I think this is true for stepkids as well, frankly. I know that especially for my YSD, it's really important for her that our marriage is solid. On more than one occasion, she has said to us, "You guys won't ever get divorced, will you?"
Parents who set up a relationship where they put their child clearly before their new spouse are just asking for trouble, in my opinion.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved
Ooooohhh number one for me
Ooooohhh number one for me too! They had me so sheltered that I honestly had a hard time adjusting to real life when I went to college. I was so naive and people took advantage of that. Even now, BF tells me that I am oblivious to so many things because my parents smothered/protected me from everything.
I think that parents do a child a big disservice by not showing that their partner is number one. It doesn't show a healthy model for relationships.
"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown
Wow, it's great to hear a
Wow, it's great to hear a man's point of view. Thanks.
I completely agree, SBS.
I completely agree, SBS. Women do think about this a lot more. "Coming first" for us feels like it equals "being more important." But frankly, we all know that's not the case. Was your first boyfriend more important to you than your current boyfriend/spouse? Of course not!
If your boyfriend/spouse loves you and treats you as their number one, then the "first" thing is irrelevant. I also felt this a lot at first. But as I became a more central part of my H's life, and as we created a new home together and new traditions for us and our household, that feeling has gone away for the most part. Now, I only get the occasional twinge when someone brings up something like a vacation from back when they were married, but I just consciously make the decision to change the subject in my head and move on. Remember. They had your SO's past. You have the FUTURE.
BB
You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved